Original subtitles

the best elevator music I've ever heard.

Boys and girls of all ages, this is Cliff's neighbor, Jeffrey Engels, and

like to tell you a story about the trouble Cliff had with a sausage

It all started late one night.

Cliff? Uh -huh? Are you eating a sausage sandwich?

Dear Slate, go back to sleep.

Now, was that smell in the room?

Dear, I have been delivering babies for the last 72 hours. The only thing that I

had to eat was a can of soup and some soda crackers.

So, I need this. Please, please, please.

It's so pitiful when you beg.

I'm not eating this just for myself. It's for Mrs. Dugan, dear.

She's going to deliver in the morning, and this gives me the protein that I

to stay alive and deliver that baby.

But you know that that kind of sandwich disagrees with you.

It does not disagree with me. Let the record show.

Oh, Lord.

The last time you ate a sausage sandwich at this hour of the night, you dreamed

you were pregnant and gave birth to an 18 -foot hoagie and a gallon soda.

And let the record show that it was not the sandwich. It was the water.

The water.

First begging and then lying.

Sad.

Very sad.

But if you're going to eat that sandwich, if you just have to have it,

go right on the head. You enjoy that little nasty sandwich and you pretend

I'm not in this. Just pretend I'm not even in this. Give me a kiss. Give me a

kiss. I can't pretend I'm not in the room. You want to kiss something, you

a little nasty sausage sandwich.

Well,

he's kissing that sandwich now, but in a little while, he's going to be sorry.

As a matter of fact, as soon as Cliff falls asleep, he'll understand that he

should have listened to his wife.

It's good, isn't it, Cliff?

Well, all I can say is I hope you're enjoying it.

Now, Cliff thinks he's still awake, but he's not.

He's actually dreaming.

And you're about to see what a sausage sandwich at three in the morning can do

to a man.

Vanessa, what are you doing in my bedroom with a band?

This is my band.

Dad, I have finally decided what I want to do with my life.

Because I love you very much, and I know how much you did jazz, I have decided

to play funk jazz on the sax.

Play a saxophone? You've got to take lessons and practice for years. You

know how to play a saxophone.

Oh, man.

I always try to make things sound so difficult.

This is easy.

Here in his own bedroom was Vanessa playing the saxophone. And she could

Uh, can I try it?

Oh, my life.

One, two, one, two.

What's the matter with this thing?

Yeah, yeah.

Just don't have the chops.

What? Well, if Cliff thinks he's confused now, wait until he steps into

hallway. Little does he know, he's about to go back in time 200 years.

That's why I gathered you all here today.

Ladies and gentlemen, I would like 2 % for you.

The formula for penicillin.

And you said penicillin can cure all kinds of infectious diseases?

That's what I'm saying, Pierre.

Sacre bleu. Sacre bleu, me too.

You're a genius.

I know.

You must come with us and study at the Academy of Science. There are so many

questions that need to be answered, like how to make milk safe to drink.

And have you found a cure for a runny nose?

Blow it.

Mademoiselle Olivia, you must come with us.

I can't. I want to stay here and play with my friends.

Oh, but, mon petit genius, we will bring your friends to you.

I don't have any friends. I live in this house with a bunch of old people.

These old people you live with?

Are they as smart as you?

Yes, especially Dr. Huxtable. He's the brightest, and he's good -looking, too.

Mademoiselle, please reconsider.

The world of science needs you.

I'm sorry. I cannot.

These old people will be lost without me. I'll never, ever leave them.

I wouldn't be in such a hurry, Cliff. You've just

had the nice part of your dream.

Now, the kitchen might look like it's empty, but it's not.

Cliff is going to have some juice now.

He's in for a big surprise.

How did I get back in the service again?

Well, at least I'm a captain.

Captain Heathcliff Huxtable Front and Center.

And you're in the Navy, too.

Look at you. Hey, hey.

Give me a bow. Ten hut.

How dare you try to shake an admiral's hand?

If you can't do that, Dad, I can have you court -martialed. Yeah, well, you're

my son now. Well, you're my son, sir.

Look at me. I'm just a captain. How'd you get a rank higher than me? Because

have poor eating habits.

Ten -hut!

If you do that one more time, I can have you court -martialed for

insubordination.

Sausage sandwich at three in the morning.

Man, I could have you put in a brig for that. Bread and water, no sausage.

I'm sorry. I'll try to do better, sir, son.

Yeah, sit down.

Thank you, sir.

Let's get down to business.

You put in for a new assignment.

Yes, sir. Says here you'd like to be restationed in Hawaii.

That is correct, sir, son.

Request to Hawaii denied.

Well, uh, can I go to Lake Tahoe?

Uh, you're begging.

I'm gonna have to make a note of that.

Shameless begging.

But, sir, where am I going to be stationed?

I have the perfect place for you.

Antarctica.

Antarctica? It's freezing down there.

Sure, but the cold will keep you bright, and the loneliness will give you time

to think about what you want to make out of your life, Captain.

Wait a minute!

I can't go that far. My family will miss me.

No, they won't.

I talked to them earlier today.

Fat Captain Huxtable, Antarctica was their idea.

But sir, won't you reconsider? I'm sorry, my mind is made up. Captain

Wait a minute!

That sounded very much like Claire screaming.

So naturally, Cliff wanted to save her.

Slow down.

Where's the fire?

Well, there's Claire screaming in there. Is there a fire?

No worse.

What? Can't say.

But it's not pretty. Not pretty at all.

That's my wife. She's in there. I gotta go in there. Yeah?

Do you have identification?

Driver's license? Marriage certificate?

Passport? Library card?

Let me talk to your superior.

Chief!

All right, move it out. Show's over.

Hey, show's over.

Denise, it's me, Dad.

You got some ID?

Look at me!

Yeah, well, you look like my dad, but you never know. There are a lot of

out there posing to dance.

Can I go in, please?

All right, you can go in.

But at your own risk, boys.

Step aside.

What are you doing outside there?

This is your fault.

I told you to pretend like I wasn't in the room and look what you did to me.

Now you...

Claire seems a little upset.

I guess I'd be upset, too, if I was hanging out of a window.

Help me! Do you have a ladder?

Of course we have a ladder. We're firemen.

Here you go.

Be sure to bring that back.

Hey, you want a pet Sparky?

No.

He's on his way to find a ladder. But Cliff won't be finding that ladder

this dream is about to become even more peculiar.

Where are you going?

Who are you?

I'm the Hippocratic Oath. Remember?

When you graduated from medical school, you took the Hippocratic Oath. You

pledged to take care of everyone who was sick.

No, that's the Hippocratic Oath. You weren't listening. Wrong.

It was the Hippocratic Oath. You just weren't listening.

Oh, he never listens to anyone.

His wife told him not to eat me, but he did anyway.

He knows I disagree with him.

You don't disagree with me.

Yes, I do. No, you don't. I do.

No, you don't. I do.

Why am I here arguing with a sandwich when my wife is hanging from the

here? I've got to go save her. Doc, you're coming with me. You have to make

delivery at the hospital.

No, Mrs. Duke, it is not due until the morning.

We're not. talking about Mrs. Dugan. This is another delivery and it's an

emergency. Well, I can't go to the hospital now.

Yes, you can.

No, I can't. I can't.

He's disagreeing with me. I'm not disagreeing with you. You are.

I'm not. You are.

Put that sandwich down and help me. See, I've got to go save my wife who's

hanging from the building.

Are you coming to the hospital or not?

No.

He's not cooperating.

Hey, fellas!

Okay, you're coming with us.

This'll be easy.

He's got your whip.

I'll be back.

No, you won't.

He tried to run from the monsters as fast as he could, but you just can't run

that fast with a sausage sandwich in your stomach.

Mr. Rudd? Hmm? You're the proud...

of a baby boy.

He looks just like you.

The mom took Cliff to the hospital where he works. Only now, the hospital was

very, very different. Are you taking the tablets and call us in the morning?

Wait a minute!

Do you have to squeeze my arm so hard?

We don't have to, but we enjoy it, right?

Yeah! Oh, yeah!

All right, Dr. Huxtable. Go over to the admitting desk and they'll tell you what

to do. And remember, you took that hypocritic oath.

So do me proud.

Say,

you're Dr.

Huxtable?

Huh?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I hear you're making an emergency delivery.

Yes. You know you can't get up there without an elevator pass.

I need an elevator pass?

Sure.

You're lucky you ran into me. I could sell you one for only $5.

Normally I charge a lot more, but I like you. Hey, don't tell the boss I did

this, okay? All right, $5.

Is that what you want, $5?

Yes, $5. There you go.

Okay, thank you. Hold the phone.

You have an elevator pass to get back downstairs?

An elevator pass to get back downstairs?

Back downstairs. Do you have one?

No, no, I don't. Oh, well, that's going to be like $1 ,500.

Yeah, $1 ,500.

Let's see.

That'll be $1 ,505.

Okay.

Here. Here's $1 ,500.

Come to Papa. I'll take the elevator.

Yeah. Did you drive a car here?

Yes. Where did you park it? On the north side.

Oh, that is too bad. Just too bad.

What's the problem?

Well, you got to give me $3 ,500 more.

To get my car out?

$3 ,500 more.

Because that's all I have. I'm glad I made it. Thank you.

Thank you. All right.

Is there a doctor in the house?

Yes, I'm a doctor.

Oh, thank goodness.

Doc, would you take a look at this?

See,

something is wrong with me.

Yeah, it doesn't look good.

I know that. I need you to help me. What do you want me to do?

Well, you have to hit me like you'd hit a TV set.

No, no, I don't want to do that.

Oh, come on, please, Doc. I need it. Okay.

No, that isn't going to get it. Come on, let me have it. No, I can't do that.

Doctor. Why don't you fix him? Yeah. I can't.

And you call yourself a doctor.

Thanks. I feel 100 % better.

Keep practicing.

Nurse! Nurse!

Yes?

Wait a minute. You're not a nurse, are you?

Well, what do I look like in this outfit?

A good human woman?

Well, now, you don't talk like that to your father.

My father wouldn't leave his wife hanging out of a window.

Hey, but let me tell you something. I was going to save her, but the monsters

dragged me away.

If I had a nickel for every time I heard that story, I'd be a millionaire.

Now, please, that's my face.

Yeah, well, I'll get out of your face. Look, you know, you're pushing it just a

little bit. Here.

Pushing? Boys, come show this man what pushing is.

Good evening ladies and gentlemen and other things

to Operating Theater.

Now, tonight, we have something really spectacular.

Right here on our stage, we are going to see the first delivery ever of a

Koosbanian. Yay!

Oh, boy! And now, the man who's going to make this delivery, the one,

the only, Dr.

Heathcliff Huxtable.

Who's he?

I don't know. I never heard of him.

It doesn't look like he can deliver a baby.

He doesn't look like he can deliver a pizza.

So, you ready, Doc?

Uh, well, I don't know. I've never delivered a Cousbanian before.

I know. And we all admire you for attempting something so dangerous.

Dangerous? Wait a minute. Is the patient in trouble?

No, you are.

I thought I was in danger when I performed an appendectomy while being

of a cannon.

But that's nothing compared to this.

Why don't you go shoot me out of a cannon?

No. You're going to be suspended upside down in a tank of water while playing

Lady of Spain on the accordion.

Oh, no. The Koosbanian is resisting. Put a muzzle on her second

mouth.

Oh, no, the Cruzbanian has escaped.

You can all go home. There'll be no delivery today.

Come on. We want surgery!

We want surgery!

We want surgery!

We want surgery!

Operate on that guy, Huxtable.

I'll cut him. I've got the steadiest hands in the business.

Well, I suppose Cliff now realizes he should have listened to Claire and not

eaten that sausage sandwich.

Boys and girls, always listen to your mom, and husbands, you should listen to

your wives.

I have a wife and a mother, so I do quite a bit of listening.

So Cliff decided he would go downstairs and begin the day.

Hey, morning, Dad.

Dad, you don't look so good.

Did you sleep in your clothes?

Well, I had a rough night, so don't give me any grief, please.

Looks like Dad didn't sleep too well.

He probably ate something and gave him nightmares again.

You know, there was a sausage missing from the refrigerator this morning.

Dad probably ate it.

Well, I did have a bad dream.

And you were in it, and you were in it, and you were in it. But I'm just happy

to be back in Brooklyn, because there's no place like home.

You should be more careful, Dad.

Mom's always telling you not to eat that stuff late at night.

Yeah, Dad. You can't take it at your age.

Well, listen, I cannot argue with you. I have learned my lesson.

Good for you, Dad.

Come on, guys, I'll drop you off at school.

Bye, Dad.

Bye -bye, Dad.

Wait a minute.

Who turned on the light?

Oh, look, it's Sausage Man.

You're not going to eat again.

Wait a minute. You guys heard what I told my children. I'm not eating bad

anymore.

If I had a nickel for every time I heard him say that, I'd buy my own

refrigerator.

He's back.

So's his stomach.

end of our story. Good night, boys and girls. Eat the right things and sleep

tight.

The Cosby Show is taped before a studio audience.