Original subtitles

Thank you. Bye. Bye. Bye.

Make way for the champion squash.

Oh, come on now. I haven't won any championship yet.

You'll know today after the squash contest who the champion is.

It's a matter of time before they give you the blue ribbon.

I admit it is a... Fine -looking squash, but that doesn't mean it's going to be

the best one there.

Let me tell you something.

On the evening news, they will say, and here is Mrs. Claire Huxtable, beautiful

mother of five children. We're here live at the Eastland Mall, where the winner

of the squash contest is now about to receive the blue ribbon. And then

Hollywood will call, and you'll have your own TV show.

Let's talk squash.

People will be driving cars that are designed to look like squash, and

be listening to the hit record, Squash Me Baby, the number one tune in the

sung by the squash head. Squash Me Baby, downtown all night long.

You are a disturbed man.

I'm not entering this contest to become famous. I just want people to see my

squash, okay?

Now I have to go back outside. I have to turn over the soil. Well, turn over the

soil, baby.

Turn it over all night long.

And I will sit here and guard this national treasure.

Hello there, Squash.

Do you know I remember you when you were just a glimmer in my wife's eyes?

Aye, Mom Squash, yes.

So, when are we leaving for the mall?

Oh, about a half hour from now.

Oh, so I guess I better check the movie schedule.

Oh, Theo, I'm going to have to pass on the movie. I want to look at new

I want to go get some new toys.

No, no, no. We are not going to the mall for shopping. We are going there to

support your mother in the squash contest.

Dad, don't do this to us.

Don't do what to us?

Make us go to the squash contest.

Yeah. Saturday is our only day of fun. We work hard.

school all week. Yeah, we don't want to look at vegetables.

To people who are ingrates, it is a vegetable.

Yeah, but Dad, the squash has spent its whole lifetime alone in the backyard.

I don't think now I want us standing around staring at it.

First of all, we're talking about support.

Do you remember the recital when you played the clarinet?

That wonderful clarinet?

Where you broke three, four reeds playing notes backwards.

Your mother stood up and clapped for you like you were good.

And, sir, may I bother you one second to tell you about the Shakespearean

play you were in whereupon you had the lead part and forgot every

word.

for a suit.

Your mother stood up at the end of that play and said, that's my baby.

That's my baby.

Mom came to my dance recital, but I'm good.

No, you weren't, dear.

I'm telling you guys that you're going to this mall and you're going to root

Mom's squash.

Dad, can I ask you something?

Go ahead.

to eat the squash for dinner. If mom wins, they'll keep the squash there on

display at the mall for a month. And then, maybe a world tour.

So if the squash wins, we don't have to eat it.

No. Go squash, go!

Go squash, go!

more exciting than I thought it would be.

Me too.

Mom, I'm very, very, very proud that this squash is representing the Huxtable

name. Are the children supportive, dear?

Your father put you up to this, didn't he?

Yeah.

Why would you say something like that?

You told us to always tell the truth.

Yeah, but I didn't tell you to tell the truth at the wrong time.

Mom, I gotta be honest. I can't really get excited about our...

Room full of squash.

So is it okay if we cruise the mall for a while? Please?

Cliff, I really don't think it would hurt to cut them loose for a little

Okay,

back here in a half hour. Take your little sister with you. Rudy?

Yes, Rudy. You remember her. She lives in the house with us.

Yeah, I want to cruise, too.

Dad, you're going to slow us up. We want to have some fun.

Make up your minds. You want to cruise with your little sister, or would you

like to watch squash?

Okay, Rudy, you can come with us. Thank you.

Thank you very much. I'd love to join you.

Claire, I'm telling you, you got it. You got it. I'm looking at this other

squash. It's beautiful.

It would be nice to have my squash acknowledged.

Now you're thinking.

I think I'll go over and see what my man has under this cover.

Hi. Hi.

You want to look at my squash, don't you?

What I was wondering was why you had it covered with the sheet.

Well, protection. You see, my squash is very sensitive.

You know, when I was growing it, I awakened it every morning with some cool

legs.

So your squash likes jazz?

Oh, you know it, Daddy -O.

I've been in this competition for 14 years, and I've lost every year. Now, if

you'll excuse me, I've got to get back to Edna. And so, stay cool, man. That's

just the only way I know how.

Okay, the record store is to the left. Follow me. The license is that way. I

want to look at clothes.

I want to go to the toy store. Come on, you guys. We only got 20 minutes. We

have to decide where we're going and get there. Okay, I got a plan. What?

Well, I'm the oldest, so we'll do what I want to do.

That plan stinks.

Oh, my.

Oh, my.

It's him! He's here!

Who? Him! Him!

Isn't that the guy you talk about on the phone, the guy that is ugly? Yes, but

that's when he was going with Donna Gaffney.

They broke up.

Oh, so now he's not ugly.

Just look at him.

Oh, my.

Oh, my.

I have got to meet him.

Then go on over there.

I can't. He's too cute.

You have to help me. Please, please, please. You have to help me. Vanessa,

am I supposed to do?

Go over there and have a key make.

Then I'll follow and we'll have a conversation.

Vanessa, that's dumb.

Okay, I'll make you a deal. If you help me with this, you can leave Rudy with

me, and you can go to the record store.

You're on.

How come you two get to make the deal? I want to make a deal.

Rudy, you got your deal. Yeah, we let you come with us.

That's a raw deal.

Come on.

Can I help you? Yeah, I need to get a copy of this, mate.

Hi, Theo!

What are you doing at the mall?

Well, you know, I had the day off. so I figured, why not have a key made?

Hi. Hi.

You're Vanessa Huxtable. Right, we're in the same class.

Hey, you're both in the mall today.

Unbelievable.

I didn't know you knew how to make keys.

Yeah, I can make three or four at a time. Really?

You must be a genius.

Nobody can do that.

Watch.

You're really good with that machine.

Thanks. It only took me a couple hours to learn how to use it. Wow, I'm

impressed.

What's that machine do?

Oh, this is for engraving on metal.

Would you like your name on your keys?

You engrave, too?

Oh. What would you like, print or script?

That's a hard decision.

I may have to stay here a while and think about it.

Uh, Vanessa.

What? Where's Rudy?

Where is she?

That's what I just asked you.

Hey, Rudy!

Rudy!

Rudy?

Kim? What are you doing here?

Trying to figure out where I am. What are you doing here? This is my dad's

bar. It is?

Yeah. Are you allowed to go to the mall by yourself?

No, I was with my sister and brother.

But they're stupid.

I don't have a sister.

But if I did, I bet she'd be stupid.

Come on, I'll show you the restaurant.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Oh, man, I can't believe we lost her. We didn't lose her.

We just can't find her. I hope she's all right.

When I was eight, I once got lost in the supermarket.

I felt like it was the end of the world.

Tears were running down my face. I was so scared.

I thought I'd never see Mom and Dad again.

Vanessa, don't say that. You're making me think of Rudy standing somewhere

crying. Well, she probably is.

I said don't say it.

You know this is your fault. You're supposed to keep an eye on her.

Well, so were you.

Vanessa, the only reason this happened is because you've always been boy crazy.

You know, I knew your problem was going to get me in trouble one day.

Good afternoon, shoppers. The judging of the squash competition is about to

begin near the main entrance.

No, we can't go back there. We don't have Fruity. What if Fruity heard that

went back to Mom and Dad?

She would tell them we weren't watching her. Aw, we've had it.

Look, you're faster than me. Try to get to Mom and Dad before she does, okay?

Good idea. You check the toy store. Okay, and if I see her there, I'll

apologize. No, no, no, no, no.

If you apologize, she'll think we did something wrong.

Tell her we let her walk off on purpose.

Yeah. Tell her we thought she was old enough to go on her own.

Now,

Cliff, you said 30 minutes. It's been 30 minutes and the children are not back

yet. Well, Claire, this is the mall, see? This is where time stands still.

Very nice.

Do you mind removing it?

Yes. No, of course.

Very nice.

Very nice indeed.

Do you mean it? Yes, I mean it. Do you really mean it?

Yes, I really mean it. Thank you, thank you.

Edmund, he really means it. I'm dead, isn't it?

You're very dead.

You made him happy. I'm so glad.

Claire.

Yeah.

You've got to do something, dear, about this presentation.

What's wrong with a presentation?

Well, see, you need some color. You need some spirit added to it. You need to do

something to it. No, no, no, no, no. I'm not going to... to be stupid to

showmanship here no no we're not talking about showmanship dude look everybody

else i see stuff things got the other little squash around they got ceramics

everything looks so colorful and beautiful now just try this okay

cliff the sweater can stay ah good thank you now

you know what else i think some argyle socks put your foot down hey

Theo, where are Vanessa and Rudy?

Oh, well, they're not here.

We know that.

Where are they?

Oh, they're in the mall somewhere.

You didn't stay with them?

Well, yeah, of course I stayed with them.

But then I gave them a little slack because sometimes it's better for

get to know each other.

Theo, please go get your sisters. The judging's already started.

Sure, okay.

You didn't find her?

No, I looked everywhere. The toy store, the pet store, the video arcade. She

wasn't anywhere. This is a nightmare.

We're in trouble.

Trouble?

Vanessa, we lost our little sister. We're beyond trouble.

Well, what do you think Mom and Dad are going to do to us?

Oh, you're lucky. You're only 14.

You're still lost to protect you.

But I'm older.

You know, they could send me to the penitentiary. Theo, you're only 17. I

think you're old enough for prison yet.

Yeah, but I'm old enough to go into the service.

Dad's gonna sign me up to the Marines.

You know, he's been wanting to do that for a long time, but he was waiting for

major screw -up like this one.

Vanessa, we gotta find Rudy.

We can have a pace in the peace system. We can't do that.

If Mom and Dad hear it, they'll know she's lost.

Okay, then let's talk to a policeman.

Okay. We'll search every corner of the mall, and if we don't find her, then

we'll get a policeman.

Then he can come with us when we tell Mom and Dad we can't find Rudy.

We're going to need the protection.

Wow, that's neat.

My dad can do all kinds of things. He's flexible.

Oh, hi, Akiko -chan.

Hi, Rudy.

Hi, Mr. Ogawa.

What brings you down here?

Rudy was with her brother and sister, but they're stupid.

Are you lost?

No, if I was lost, I'd go up to a policeman and say, the name is Ruby

live at 10, dig what happens.

Fine, you're not lost.

But I would feel better if your mom and dad knew that.

There's the squash.

Well, let's see them. Okay.

I think this judge has got to come on now. I'm starting to get a little

here. Don't worry about it. All you have to do is concentrate on this. And don't

forget, Behind every great woman is a great man.

Hi, Rudy. Hey, Mom. Hi, Mr. O 'Guy. Hi, Mrs. Hector. How are you doing, Tony?

Dr. Honey, the ball's everything.

Rudy was at my sushi restaurant.

She tells me she's not lost, but I thought I would check with you. Well,

very much. Where are Vanessa and Theo?

I don't know.

You mean they just let you wander around? They had better things to do.

Oh, I see.

Can I go back to the sushi bar?

Well, it depends on Tony. Sure.

See you and Kim are having a good time. Yeah.

All right, we'll come and pick you up after a while, all right? Okay. All

Mom, I hope your squash wins, but if it doesn't, I'll be happy to eat it for

dinner.

Thank you, Mr. Ogawa.

I'll see you later, Kim.

Bye -bye. See you, Kim.

Bye -bye. Have fun.

Okay, so we're going to have a word with Theo and Vanette. I'll tell you what,

when they do show up...

You just follow what I do, okay?

Okay. Oh, here, they're coming.

Hi, Mom. Hi, Dad. Hey, how's everything?

How's them all been?

Oh, fine.

Listen, about Rudy.

What about her?

She's not here.

You're saying you don't know where she is?

Dad, we were watching her. We really were.

Uh -huh. We turned around and she wasn't there. She was with you, right?

Yes. She's lost.

Yeah. Oh, well, then.

Let her stay lost.

Let her stay lost?

Now, she was told to stay with the two of you, and she didn't listen, and she

went out there wandering around, so just leave her out there. That's all.

You're going to get lost and never see us again. It would teach you a lesson.

Listen, and it would make it a lot easier on our lives, I'll tell you that.

It's a good thing you two made it back in time for the judging.

Don't you want us to look for Rudy?

Let me tell you something. First of all, we have five children.

We have five children. By the time you get to the fifth one, and you have to

tell that child the same thing over and over and over, you get tired of talking

to hard -headed people. So just leave her out there.

Your father is right.

She knew she was supposed to stay with you. She didn't do it. Fine.

She's got to pay the penalty. There you go. Yeah, but, Mom, what if somebody

grabbed her and ran off?

You think that might happen?

Yes. She's only eight.

Then why didn't you?

before you let the girl go wandering all over the mall.

I don't know what it is between your ears and your brain that's dislodged.

Every time we say, watch your sister, by the time it goes through your ear and

travels, it changes to, let her go wandering around the mall.

And I just wish to the heavens that I could find something that could fix it.

screwdriver or maybe a brick.

She's fine. She's in the sushi bar with a friend.

She is? Yes.

Oh. You're not kidding? No.

You don't know how worried I was.

Me too.

Since she's not lost or anything, is it okay if I go over to the kiosk?

What is the kiosk?

It's a place where they make keys.

Vanessa, I think by the time this day is over, you won't have a place to put a

key in.

Why don't the two of you go outside and wait in the car for us? No, no, no, no.

Wait under the car.

Go ahead.

Do we really have to wait in the car?

Under the car.

Oh, lovely.

Simply lovely.

I didn't win.

You won.

I didn't win.

You won.

And now the results of our...

15th annual winter squash competition.

Just say I didn't win, sir.

In third place, Estelle Drake.

I couldn't even make third place.

Norman Kirby.

Put it on there.

Thank you, sir.

Thank you very much.

When in the course of human events, a man grows a squash, and he hopes that

squash will one day be known as the big one.

Edna's my big one.

My only regret is that my wife couldn't be here to share this moment.

I guess she walked out one year too soon.

Wait for Claire Huxtable and her prize -winning squash torpedo.

I think it was just as good with a red ribbon. Yeah.

Question is, now this is all over, what do we do with it?

I think we ought to cut it up and eat it, dear.

Oh, if you can.

But, dear, if we put it up on the shelf somewhere, the thing is going to start

to get old, and then those little black flies are going to come all around.

Well, at least it wouldn't suffer.

No, listen, you're talking to a surgeon. This thing will never feel it. I just

don't want to have to watch it. Well, you don't have to.

Come on, little fella, torpedo.

We're going to...

No, no, wait, wait, wait. What are you talking about? What?

No, there's not a knife in here.

No, no.

Really, see, look.

Spatula. I'm just taking you out, digging all around, okay?

You don't mind if I do that, huh?

All right, boy.

Here we go.

What?

What's behind? You want to see what's behind my back? Oh, no problem.

Going for a little walk. No, no, come on.

Don't try to fight.

This show is taped before a studio audience.