Original subtitles

And don't you have a tissue?

For me.

I thought you guys said that Julie and I were rushing into this.

Where'd you get an idea like that?

Dearly beloved.

I do.

We are gathered together today to witness the marriage of Julie Lynn

and Michael Aaron Seaver.

Yeah!

Marriage is an honorable estate.

And as such, should not be entered into lightly.

So if anyone has just cause why this couple should not be wed...

Speak now or forever hold your peace.

Tough room.

I'm sure these God -fearing people would dummy up if you'd give them one good

reason why you two are getting married.

That's fine.

you, all right?

I mean, what guy in their right mind would want to grab you anyway?

Wait, Carol.

No, wait a second. I'm sorry, all right? Look, I'm just kind of spaced out here.

I didn't get much sleep last night.

Boy, I had this wild dream about me and Julie. Mike, please. I just lived that

disgusting dream. I don't need to hear about it.

Wait a minute, Carol.

These invitations are all wrong.

Look, right here.

As Julie and Mike celebrate the beginning of their life together.

It should be lives together.

I mean, hey, I got that wrong on an English paper last year.

Mike, I applaud your flash of literacy, but you're missing the point. You and

Julie are starting a life together.

One life. Get it?

Yeah, so which one of us is losing our life?

Wow. You got all the invitations?

done. Mom, look, I am not in the mood to hear one more time all of your sensible

reasons why Julie and I should wait.

So you admit they're sensible reasons?

Mom, you're missing the key idea here.

I'm sorry, you're right.

Like I promised last week and several times before that, no more negativity.

From this day forward, I'll embrace your marriage with gusto.

Mom, you make it sound like a beer commercial.

I just want to make this the best dang wedding you'll ever have.

Mom, it's the only dang wedding I'll ever have.

Honey, would you like me to lick your envelopes for you?

Mom, look, you don't have to pretend that much.

Yes, I do.

Mom, it's not like we haven't thought about this. Honey, you don't have to go

through all that again. I know how you feel because 20 years ago, I was you.

Your dad was Julie. My mom was me. Grandpa Ed was... Gosh, I'm starting to

like my mother.

Well, that's okay. Keep going. I mean, you were real near making a point,

weren't you?

Yes.

Mike, you're not getting married to please us.

You're getting married because this is something that you want to do, and you

know all the reasons why.

I do? But if you have any doubts, don't be too embarrassed. I have none. I am

very confident and extremely happy. And I'm bubbling for you.

Mike, honey, don't forget your stinking invitations.

I think he was wrong.

Dad, sometimes Mom makes me nuts.

Hey, I never said this, okay?

Tell me about it.

When is she finally going to understand that I am a capable, mature adult, ready

to stand on my own two feet?

Can I borrow 50 bucks?

For what?

Well, for stamps, for the invitation.

For old time's sake. All right.

Thanks.

Mike, I know it's upsetting your mom.

Dad, look, I did not ask her for a dime. No?

Now, what day is this?

Saturday. And what's under your arm?

Hair.

Mike, it's the wedding invitations. You're mailing them out today.

Right. To your mother, that represents the point of no return.

Oh, I never thought of it that way.

No, no, of course you didn't, Mike.

That's because you've been sure about this thing all along.

For your mom, Mike, well, let's just say it's going to take her some time.

As for me, Mike, I'm with you, okay?

And that's because 20 years ago, I was you. And your mom was Julie, and her mom

was your mom, and my father was... Starting to sound like my mother -in

Hey, Dad, look, can I ask you something?

Mm -hmm.

Well, okay, it's about the wedding.

Well, see, um, Julie and I have to write up our wedding vows. You know, and we

have to put into words all the reasons why we're getting married. And there's

just so many of the darn things that... Well, I'd like your help in narrowing

them down. I mean, Dad, let's face it. You are a dynamite narrow -downer.

Well, thank you.

Okay.

Well,

let's go over the reasons. Oh, right. Well, I love her. You know, and, uh...

All the same reasons why you married Mom. Oh, Mike, Mike, I... I just

imagine spending another day without her.

I mean, from the moment that I proposed right up until this instant, Mike, I've

never had any doubt that your mother was the only one for me.

Never a doubt?

Not one?

This is Mom we're talking about.

Well, come on, I had cold feet just like you're having now, and don't you deny

it, but that's...

Well, that's not the same as dope, Mike.

It's normal.

In fact, I think it's required.

Really? Mm -hmm.

Well, then, what did you do to get over the cold feet?

Oh, it's a little different for everybody. I think for me it was a song.

Is it in her face? Oh, no, that's just her charm.

In her warm embrace?

No, no.

No, that's just her arm.

If you want to know if she loves you so, it's in her kiss.

That's where it is.

Shoop, shoop.

And that's what got you through? Hey, I got the record upstairs. No, Dad, I'll

listen to it later, okay? I got lots of wedding stuff to do, and I'm late now.

Heck, Dad, just listen to that song. My cold feet are warming right up.

Mike, I didn't... Gee,

what was that for?

I just want you to know that I cannot imagine spending another day of my life

without you.

Aw. And I mean that. I am as sure of that as I was the day that I proposed to

you. Well, I don't know what to say.

You don't have to say anything. Let's just sit down right here and just be

about the fact that we are getting married.

Gotta go.

Oh, right, the invitations. Yeah, I wanted you to look at the invitations

I said I'm out. See?

Gotta go.

Mike.

Lots to do, Julie. Look, I gotta get my tuxedo, and I'm meeting you and the

minister at one o 'clock. Plus, I gotta get stamps and lick them all by myself.

You are so sweet.

And so dependable.

And so sexy.

And so mature.

All right, Carol addressed them. I didn't.

Before you go...

One last kiss?

Julia, I am scared out of my mind. I mean, I don't know if this is just cold

feet or what.

I'm not sure about anything.

Real mature, Mike.

Real mature.

Look, I don't like this one either. You've tried all in 40, son. What's

with this one?

I don't know. It's a lapel.

No problem.

How's the crotch?

Over on Sunday, it'd be cheaper if you buy the tuxedo in rent, so I...

Uh, sir, are you married?

No.

For the past 56 years, I've been waiting for the right gal to walk through that

door.

But isn't this a men's store?

My God, I've wasted my life.

No, to tell you the truth, I am married.

To the same woman for 35 years.

And why did you two get married?

Sex.

Well, what happens when the sex goes away?

We'll cross that bridge when we come to it.

Excuse me, you mind if I change this song?

What do you got against the Shoop Shoop song?

It's a very long story.

Let me show you some cummerbunds.

Our phone lines are open. sports fans, because it's time for Ask the Coach, the

man who knows all, the man with all the answers.

Ask the Coach?

That's right.

Ask the Coach.

Whoever the hell is calling me on my one and only stinking day to sleep late

better have a pretty good dandy reason.

Hello? Collect call from your favorite former student.

Oh, sure, sure, I'll accept it. Put him on.

Yo, coach.

Robbie Countryman. So how are you doing?

Oh, no, coach. It's not Robbie. It's Mike.

Mike who?

Mike Seamer.

My favorite former student?

Remember back in high school when you said that if I ever had a problem that I

could talk to you?

No.

But go ahead anyway.

But make it fast.

This is my nickel.

Okay, all right. Well, see, I'm engaged now, okay? And my fiancée is the

greatest, but it's just that...

I still don't know if what I'm doing is the right thing.

I said fat.

Why do people get married?

Why? Well, what the hell else are they going to do?

What do you mean?

Look, Steven, you're a man.

I'm assuming your fiancée is a woman.

You meet, you get married. That's how it works. For you, for me, for everybody.

Well, Coach, I don't understand.

That's because we're talking about the mystery of love here.

Oh, well, what's that?

If I knew, it wouldn't be a mystery, lug nut.

Oh, so you don't understand it either?

I don't have to understand it. I'm living it.

Look, Silver, isn't there somebody else you could talk to about this in your own

area code?

Yeah, I guess.

I'm going to go back to bed. And if you ever, ever, ever call me about something

like this again, I'll be here.

Thanks, Coach.

Just don't make a collect.

See ya.

They'll know.

Mike! Oh, Mikey!

Hi, girl.

Oh, I'm so glad to see you. Oh, thanks. Your father isn't with you, is he?

No.

Good to see you.

Thanks.

Uh, yeah, I thought that, uh, heck, as long as I was in your lobby, I might as

well come up and say hi.

Well, you can surprise me any time.

Well, that's what your grandmother tells me, too.

Oh, Wally.

Yeah, I, um, just wanted to see how you two lovebirds were doing.

Well, um, we were just going to have our, um, fiber.

Care to join us?

Uh, sure.

Sure, heck. Give me a scoop.

What's the matter?

Nothing.

Hi, Grandma. Nothing's the matter.

Julie, she's got her gown, and I've almost got my tuxedo. And we're meeting

minister today at the church. Are you having second thoughts, Mike?

No.

Okay, I mean, look, are we going to talk about this, or are we going to have

some fiber?

All right, if I tell you guys something, can you keep a secret?

You can trust me.

I've never told anybody about your grandmother's tattoo.

Oh, why?

Yes, but I didn't tell him where it is.

Ignore him, honey.

Okay.

What was the reason that you two got married?

Oh, when you love somebody and you know it, what else do you need?

Yeah, but how can you know that?

How can you not?

You meet, you get married. That's how it works.

You and Julie are starting a life together.

One life.

You're getting married because this is what you want to do. And you know all

reasons why.

Is it in her face?

No, no. That's just her charm. In her warm embrace?

No, no.

That's just her arm. If you want to know if she loves you so, it's in her kiss.

That's where it is.

Shoop, shoop.

The oldest man ever to play in the Major League.

Uh, Minnie Minoto.

Wrong. Satchel Paige.

He's right.

I got one for you, Nick.

The last man in the National League to win the Triple Crown.

Joe Ducky Medwick St. Louis 1937.

Hey, you're good, pal.

Ask me anything.

Why do people get married?

Look, son, we're talking sports.

Hey, marriage can be a sport.

Yeah, a contact sport.

Well, no, no, I'm serious. I mean, I've asked basically everyone that I know,

and all I can come up with is that I know as much as anybody else.

Then, kid, you know it all.

How can he know it all? He's only a kid.

What do you know, kid?

Well, I know that Julie loves me. Then that's a start. I mean, if it's Julie,

you're going to marry.

Wait, wait, wait.

This girl wants to marry him.

That makes the marriage right?

Well, she's usually right.

Are you sure?

Look, I can't ever remember her being wrong.

I mean, Julie is smarter than me.

And she knows more than me. And she is definitely more mature than me. A man

needs a mature woman.

If Julie doesn't have any doubts, then...

What am I worried about?

I am going to marry Julie.

Are you sure?

I have never been more sure about anything in my entire life.

Look, I can't thank you guys enough for helping me put all this together.

Thanks.

I am going to meet my future wife.

Comes the groove right in the room.

Can I help you?

Yes, I'm sorry. My name is Michael Seaver, and my fiancée and I are meeting

minister here at 1 o 'clock. Mr. Seaver, yes. Well, this was left for you.

Oh, well, thank you.

Dear Mike, by the time you read this, I'll be on a plane.

And I've never written a letter like this before, so I don't know how to

I've been thinking about you and me and marriage, and, well, I know you think

that all the time I've been the mature and the sure one, but I have to say,

it comes to us, you've been the mature one.

I've been the mature one?

Don't deny it. I just want to know how you can know so much.

Mike, I've got so many questions and I've got so many doubts.

Maybe I'm crazy or just scared out of my mind. I don't know. Maybe it's just

cold feet.

But all I know right now is I can't go through with this.

And I wanted to tell you all this this morning when you came by, but how could

I? I mean, you look so determined with all the limitations under your arm.

Well, by the time I got out my courage, I ran out to the hallway and you were

already gone.

And look, I know my confusion must be hard for you to understand.

It's not that hard.

Mike, I'm sorry.

I wished I could be more like you and... But I'm not.

So take care of yourself.

Love, Julie.

Before you go, one last kiss.

Julie, I am scared out of my mind. I mean, I don't know if this is just cold

feet or what.

I am not sure about...

Anything.

Don't you pick out a tuck?

No.

Mike, you have to have a tuck.

You're not getting married in some field, are you?

I'm not getting married at all.

What?

Mike. The wedding's off.

It's over.

Honey, what happened?

I'd say I got a bargain. Yeah, and I'd say you've lost your mind.

It says a man lives here.

Michael, if it says anything, shoot it. All right. Here, hold my moose. Yeah.

Got it? Yeah.

Mikey, are you alive or what?

Alive and kicking.

We'll be back in a moment.

There's Carol, a straight -A student, and when she doesn't get welcomed with

open arms to the college of her choice, well, it's surprising.

Me? A job?

I mean, I never pictured myself actually working.

Honey, that's all the more reason to do it. Come on, you can do it.

Have some guts. Be a quitter.

Drop out of school.

I missed an awful lot, didn't I?