Original subtitles

What would we do, baby, without us?

What would we do, baby, without us?

And there ain't no nothing we can't love, it's full of truth.

What would we do, baby, without us?

Sha -la -la -la.

to rehearse this again. Just one more time, Andy, to be sure you know your

lines. Okay.

We're going to the dentist. He'll be there in a while.

He's really not a menace. He's there to help us smile.

He'll clean your teeth and make them white. Your mouth will look like new.

check your gums. He'll fix your bite.

And afterwards, if you didn't cry, your mom and dad can take you to the zoo.

I'm not so sure about this rhyme, Andy. Who wrote this?

My teacher. It's very good. It's very, very good.

Hey, what are you guys reading?

Well, it's a school play about dental hygiene.

Andy got one of the lead roles.

Are you playing the dentist?

I'm the permanent mauler.

Oh, that's very good. That's how Marlon Brando got his start.

I remember I was in a dental hygiene play in second grade.

We did our production of Annie Get Your Gums.

I played the ingenue. I was Jamie Lee Dental Floss.

I still remember my line.

I'm going to get between you two mowers if it's the last thing I do.

Mommy, help!

Jamie Lee, stop being Dental Floss.

You're scaring your brother.

Alex isn't here yet, is he? No, no, not yet.

Good. He's been driving me crazy lately.

Jennifer, you've got to be a little more patient with Alex. He's really worried

about whether or not he's going to get this job.

O 'Brien Mathers and Clark is one of the biggest investment banking firms on

Wall Street. This is the big time.

Or, as Alex so lovingly puts it, his ticket out of this dump.

All right, I understand his anxiety, but we live here, too.

I mean, I can't believe he won't let us use the phone just because he's

expecting a call from O 'Brien Mathers and Clark.

Well, he's not here now. There's no reason you can't use the phone.

Oh, yeah?

Mallory, put down the phone.

I repeat, Mallory, put down the phone.

That's better.

This has been a public service announcement.

And let me tell you, that's not the worst part about this whole New York

He's acting like he lives there already.

Yesterday, I went to get in the car. He throws up in the car door, throws me

out, and says, find your own cab, pal.

Look, I'm sure once Alex hears about this job and hopefully gets it,

will be fine around here.

Well, I hope so, because if I hear one more word about New York, I'm going to

scream.

Start spreading the news.

I'm leaving today. You've been a wonderful sister.

I'm going to be a part of it. Get yourself a little something.

New York, New York.

That's wonderful.

Why are you congratulating him, Dad? He didn't sing it that well.

No, Mallory, he got the job.

You did get the job, didn't you? Because you really didn't sing it that well.

I got the job. That's great.

Do you hear that, Mom? I'm going to be the youngest executive in the history of

O 'Brien, Mathers, and Clark.

Mom, I am going to be rich.

That's wonderful.

I'm so excited for you. Yeah, we hate to admit it, too, Alex, but we're excited

for you.

Thank you.

Thank you. You have something for me, thank you.

Yeah, we're excited for you. How rich?

Well, Mel, you know how much money Nick is going to make in his entire lifetime?

I should pass him by Thursday.

Well, at least you're staying humble.

Come on, Dad, it's hard to be humble when you're going to make $75 ,000 a

Alex, that is a lot of money.

It's very impressive. But don't forget to ask this question.

Will it bring you fulfillment?

Dad, it'll bring it.

It'll clean it.

And it'll have it pressed for me in the morning.

I can't believe this. This is the culmination of all my dreams. I'm going

winging to Gotham.

I'm going to be hobnobbing with the bigwigs, lunch at the plaza, date with a

different rockette every night.

Well, just don't get them mad, because they could kick the hell out of you.

So I guess this means you'll be moving to New York. Well, of course I'll be

moving to New York, Mom. That Columbus to Manhattan commute is really a bear.

So when will you go? In the fall?

Mom, get real. The fall?

They got me.

They know what they got. They want me next week.

I mean, would you wait until the fall to get me?

Well, Alex, that's not enough time. Will we have to get your plane ticket? No,

I'm done. Paid for.

We have to get you a place to live.

Done. Paid for.

You want sheets and towels, pillowcases?

Done. I'm taking yours.

This is not right. I mean, don't they understand that this really isn't enough

time? Okay, Mom.

Mom, if they want him there in a week, I'm sure we can get him out of here in a

week.

That's right, Mom.

Alex, I'll be happy to help you pack.

You want to start now?

Girls, girls, girls, girls.

Now, you're being very cavalier about this, but let's face it. I mean,

you're going to miss me.

We know that.

We already miss him.

We're just simply saying that if you want to start packing now, then you want

what we want.

Look, look, look. Let's not rush this. This is the moment to be relished. Alex,

we're all very proud of you.

Thanks, Dan.

I'd like to savor this moment myself.

I can't believe it. Alex is finally leaving the nest, huh?

Sprouting wings, flying out on your own, huh?

journeying beyond the borders of Keaton land to the uncharted regions of the

unknown.

Flying against the wind.

Fighting the odds.

Dad, Dad, we could have had him out of here by now.

Alex, you okay up there? You need any help with your stuff?

No, it's okay, Dad. I can manage.

Come on, Jan, let's go. Chop, chop.

Have a good old day.

Alex, I can't do this.

Alex, you can't carry all that stuff.

That's right. Your sister is not a Grand Canyon mule.

Thanks for noticing, Dad.

Jan, come on. One more trip. All you got left is the dresser.

Alex, I can't physically do this.

I can't physically do this.

Do you want me to live here for the rest of my life?

I'll get that dresser.

Maybe things will smooth out if I supervise. Yeah, go on up there, Mom.

a load up there for you, too.

Alex.

Dad. Come here. Come here.

Anything you

want to ask me about life as a young man on his own for the first time?

Not really, Dad, no.

Well, there's been a fine tradition of father -son farewell discussions in the

Keaton family.

You may remember what my father said to me as I left to venture out into the

world.

Get out and take your brother with you?

Well, I don't remember the exact words, but the important thing is the

sentiment.

Passing of advice from one generation to the other, and, well...

I'd like to do the same thing for you, my son.

Thanks, Pat.

All right, what advice did your father give you?

Neither a borrower nor a lender be.

A penny saved is a penny earned.

A bird in the hand.

Makes blowing your nose difficult.

Your mother and I have done our job well. Now, Alex... Alex, when you get to

the big city, you're going to be walking down the street and some woman may

sashay up to you.

Dressed in some sort of provocative and scanty garb.

You mean Aunt Miriam still lives in New York?

No, Alex, these women are even friendlier than Aunt Miriam.

And, um, thanks for your advice. I'm trying to keep it in mind.

You know, Alex, you and I have disagreed on, well, almost everything.

But one thing I've always admired about you is your passion for what you believe

in. Look, when you get into the business world, there's going to be a lot of

pressure on you to compromise your beliefs.

But, Alex, don't lose your passion.

More importantly, don't lose your keys.

I'm going to miss you, Dad.

Listen,

hey, one more thing.

This is for you. Dad.

Come on, come on. Let me take that. Let me take that. Look.

This is just a little something to get you started in life. Your mother and I

want you to have it.

Dad.

$200, Dad.

Now you only owe me $74 .50.

It's in your bedroom.

Were you just going to take it?

Uh, yeah.

I'm sorry. I was going to ask you, can I have it? It's got a lot of sentimental

value for me. It's my favorite picture. You mean that.

Well, fine. Sure.

Take it.

It's okay.

Well, hey, if you're going to be that way about it, I don't want it. You take

it. No, no. I've got a million pictures. I don't need it. You take it.

Hey, look. I'll tell you what.

Why don't you keep it?

Get a copy made.

You can bring it to New York when you come visit me.

Well, Alex, we're not supposed to be flying all over the country for you.

What's the matter with Mom?

Oh, you know her.

She hates to fly.

What the hell are you doing?

Me?

Well, um... Well, you know, since you're leaving soon, I just wanted to see your

room the way you like to keep it once more.

It's very nice.

How do you explain the tape measure?

The tape measure?

Well, um...

I've taken woodshop in school.

Uh -huh.

And I was going to surprise you with a new floor.

Well, sorry to spoil your surprise, Jen.

Okay, I admit it, Alex.

I was going to bring my stereo in here and turn this into a music room after

leave.

I'm sorry.

A music room, Jen?

I've calculated national debt in this room.

And you're gonna play the devil's music in here?

Jen, I'm shocked.

I am shocked. No, I'm dismayed.

No, this room is gonna stay exactly as it is.

It's gonna be a... It's gonna be a shrine.

It's gonna be a shrine to me.

And after I'm gone, you put up the little velvet robe.

You can bring on the tour bus and charge a buck a head.

Great. In two years, we'll be able to buy an ice cream cone.

Now, Jen, I'm telling you, people are going to line up just to see this

autographed picture of Nixon.

Oh, the picture of Nixon. I'm sorry. I completely forgot.

We're going to have to get valet parking now.

You know, Jen, you always surprise me.

How can you be so politically naive being as smart as you are?

I mean, Jen, you're as smart as I am.

Well, Alex, you know, since you're leaving soon, I can break this to you.

I'm smarter than you are.

Obviously, my imminent departure is...

Clouded your excellent but slightly inferior mind.

No, I'm smarter than you, Alex.

Try me.

I'm not going to try you. 74 .9 is the cube root of what number?

You have five minutes. Take your time.

400 ,189 .75.

That's close.

Exactly.

Annoying.

But interesting.

All I want to know, Jan, is what good is that going to do you if you stroll

through the third most popular city in Tanzania purchasing its three major

exports?

Well, it would give me pause for thought as I strolled through downtown Zanzibar

with an armful of cotton coffee and tazel.

Such a lucky guess.

Alex, to be fair, you did teach me everything I know.

I'll never do that again.

Why don't we just call it a tie?

I mean, the most important part about it is you've always been there for me,

tutoring me, pushing me to do better, to achieve everything that I could

possibly achieve.

And I thank you for that.

Thanks, Jim.

So I guess the question is, what use are you going to put all that

knowledge to?

Well, I was thinking of going to law school, maybe becoming an antitrust

attorney, and possibly putting you in jail in a few years.

Hang on to your dreams, Jim.

I think I'll go now.

I feel much more comfortable measuring your room after you move out.

You're a sensitive gal.

Hey, Mel.

What are you doing?

Me?

Well, with you leaving and everything, I

was feeling nostalgic, so... You're measuring it for a music room.

No.

What do you want us to do?

Put up little velvet ropes when you're gone and keep it as a shrine?

What kind of a pompous fool do you take me for?

Oh, forget it.

You know what, Alec?

Know what, Mel?

I guess I'm really proud of you.

Thanks, Mel.

That means a lot to me.

I mean, I don't know anything about what it is that you do.

But I know that you do it really well.

And I think it's terrific the way you went out and got what you wanted.

Whatever that is.

And I mean that.

Well, Mel, I'm proud of you.

And I mean that.

Really?

Because sometimes I feel like you don't have respect for what I do.

Oh, wow.

Come on, you fashion designs are brilliant.

I mean, you're very talented.

Well, thank you. Thanks for noticing.

Now that you're leaving, I want to talk to you about something.

What's that?

Your overcoat.

Don't get mushy on me, Mel.

You've got to promise me that when you get to New York, you will buy a new one.

This one's too stuffy.

Mel, I'm going to work for O 'Brien, Mathers, and Clark.

They like stuffy.

Their president's name is Bob Stuffy O 'Brien.

Alex, you've got to listen to me. Give this one to Mr. Stuffy and start fresh.

When you're on Wall Street and you're wearing one of those, one of your boring

black three...

Peace, pinstripe suits.

Add a little splash of color somewhere.

A red handkerchief or a rose or a little button that says, I'm really not this

dull.

I'm going to miss you, ma 'am.

I know.

Well, I'll be the next one to move out, Alex.

I hope I'm as successful as you are.

I mean, in fashion.

Not in whatever it is that you do.

I'll warm up New York for you, man.

Oh, excuse me, Ox. I didn't know you were in here.

Watch the broadcast.

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Sit, Ubu, sit.

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