Original subtitles

What would we do, baby, without us?

And there

ain't no nothing we can't love each other through.

What would we do, baby, without us?

Oh, I'm writing a play for my history class. It's about the final days of

Richard Nixon's presidency.

Oh, a comedy.

Well, it's got a little bit of everything, Mom. You'll laugh, you'll

it Ain't Missed the Haven. All right, maybe I am.

Wait, listen to this.

From the discussions I have had with Congressional and other leaders, I have

concluded that because of the Watergate matter... Dick! Dick, you finally come

for me!

Dick?

Alex, pull yourself together. It's just a tape. I'm writing a play of the day

Nixon resigned.

Hey, Jen, that is great. That is great. Do you realize that you are writing a

play about the greatest president this country has ever known?

Wait a minute, Alex. You've always said that Ronald Reagan was the greatest

president. I heard you say that too, Alex. Which is it, Nixon or Reagan?

Oh, boy.

Well,

Nixon...

Has a better body.

Why isn't Mallory home yet? Who cares? More oxygen for us.

I don't know. She's probably still out with Nick. She knows I need the car by

four o 'clock. You'd think between the two of them they could tell time.

Yeah, well, maybe if Nick takes the big hand and Mallory takes the little hand.

Nah.

Hi. Hey.

Young lady, do you have any idea what time it is?

Well, no, Nick, do you?

Just glad Darwin isn't alive to see this.

Didn't I tell you to get the car back by four?

I've got something very important to do today.

Oh, sorry, Dad, we tried, but the Artist Alliance for Peace meeting ran a little

late. Hey, I want peace as much as the next guy, but I've got to get a new pair

of galoshes.

This is ridiculous. There are too many drivers in the house and not enough

It's true, Dad. In a few months, I'm going to be driving, and I'm going to

a car, too.

Yeah, and on Wednesday, August 11, 2003, I'm going to need the car to take

Marion Davis to the movies. She said she'd consider going out with me

next century.

Dad, you know, I've been saving up, and I think I have enough for a really fun

car. Oh, and you may remember, my dad runs the...

biggest and most often sued used car lot in the Midwest.

Well, I think it's a good idea. We could definitely use another car. Definitely.

Great. Then Nick and I will go down to the showroom and pick something out.

wait a minute, wait a minute. I better go with you. It's very easy to get

swindled in one of those places.

Dad, it's Nick's dad.

Oh, hey, hey. All the more reason.

All right, Bill, we'll take care of you. Congratulations on your vehicle.

Hey.

Hey. Hey.

Hi.

Oh. Joe, do you remember my dad, Stephen Keaton? Oh, yes, yes. Very nice to

resume our relationship.

Always a pleasure.

Dad mouths you to buy a car.

Oh, la, la. Well, you came to the right place.

Oh, I like that one.

No, no, honey. The only thing that works on that is the glove compartment.

Well, uh, hey, we don't want to waste your time, so we might as well, uh, get

down to business.

Oh, what business? Oh, whoa, take it easy.

Come on, let's schmooze a little bit.

Your family.

Well, in as much as we're both in the family of man.

Stephen, what I am trying to tell you is that you...

Can never waste my time. Now, come on, sit down. What's been going on in your

life? Well, I got just the car for you.

Oh, this is, yeah, I like this.

This looks like a very sturdy vehicle.

Ted, it looks like something that broke off a glacier.

I mean, I think this looks nice.

Oh, I like that one, that cute little car, McGee. Oh, Mel, Mel, come on, I

know about that. Are you sure this car is safe? Safe?

I can assure you that it's safe. I personally use it to drive back and

the small claims court.

Which is a lot of round trips.

Oh, I'm crazy about it. How much is it?

Mel, Mel, come on.

You gotta play these things cool.

She's crazy about it. How much is it?

For you?

$3 ,500.

Isn't that a little high?

Okay, all right.

Tell you what I'm going to do.

I'm going to give you this beauty for 3 ,000 even.

I've never done this before.

I'm doing this only because I love you.

I love you too, 2 ,500.

I love you slightly less.

The deal. Oh, honey, it's yours for $2 ,500.

Dad, that's way out of my range.

No problem, Mallory. Go to a bank and partake of a loan.

No, I would never qualify.

No, we just better look for something else.

Well, how would it make you feel if I were to co -sign for the loan?

Really?

You are the best daddy in the whole wide world.

You are the best daddy in the whole wide world.

I'm not co -signing nothing for you.

I don't want your help. Come on, Jen. I just came by to see if you needed any

more source material.

No, thank you, Alex. I have The Final Days by Woodward and Bernstein. I have

manuscripts of the Watergate hearings. And I have several back copies of the

Washington Post.

Well, that's great,

Jen. But I have a much more reliable publication.

Nixie.

magazine of the Richard Nixon fan club, of which I've been a charter member

since 1967.

He's been the only member since 1967.

Oh, God, who would want to see him in a swimsuit?

With the nose clips.

Hey, Jen, turn the page.

Come on, he looks great on the bearskin

robe.

Hey, where have you guys been?

At the mall.

Yeah, I went to the auto accessories store. You should see all the great

got. Look, shopaholic on board.

And for our driving comfort, sheepskin seat covers.

And matching pants.

And for complete cosmetic care on the road, a visor mirror that just happens

to be full length.

That's great, Mel.

Looking at that while you're driving, you'll be the prettiest girl with the

three -car pileup.

Dad, I so appreciate you doing this for me. I love you. Mel, these are the kinds

of moments a father lives for.

Dad, I love you, too. The moment is over, Nick.

Everything has been approved for your call loan. Here are the pertinent

documents.

Oh, perhaps we should look these over, honey?

Yeah, you better look them over.

As a matter of fact, I better look them over here.

Oh, no, what was I thinking here?

I can't do this to somebody I know.

I can't do this to somebody I don't know.

See this?

I can go to jail for this.

I know.

I've gone to jail for this. This is a travesty.

Ethics, very difficult.

There we go.

A pure document. All that is required is your signature and the vehicle will be

yours. Mallory.

Stephen, your

plume.

Nick, this is so exciting. We'll finally get to take that trip we've been

dreaming about.

That's right.

Enjoy yourselves.

What trip?

Oh, Dad, I've got this all planned out. This spring break, Nick and I are going

to drive around the country. We're going to see the U .S. of A.

And after that, we're going to head south of the border straight into Rhode

Island.

Well, I'm not so sure I'm happy with this idea.

Why don't we just sign the papers and we'll chat about travel plans later?

Mallory, I don't want you gallivanting all over the country.

Oh, hey, hey, hey.

We are not going to gallivant.

We're gonna drive. Yeah.

Hey, Stevie boy, I hear you've got one humdinger of a signature.

How about a demonstration of same?

No.

Dad, what's the problem? Sign the paper.

I don't want you. Why not?

I don't want you to go on this trip.

What are you talking about?

Mrs. Keaton, you must be familiar with your husband's signature.

And so on his last day in office, Nixon stood and addressed the White House

staff, Nixon.

And so, friends, we leave with high hopes, with deep humility, and eight

settings of the good White House China.

Nixon turns to the helicopter, bumps into Gerald Ford and says, pardon me, if

you know what I mean.

Jennifer, how could you?

And with him sitting here the whole time.

Come on, Mr. President.

Go upstairs and I'll tell you all the bad things that Jennifer's been accused

of.

And we won't pardon her.

So, have you seen Mallory around recently?

Well, she still lives here.

I wouldn't know. She's not talking to me anymore.

Well, Stephen, you disappointed her. You said you'd co -sign for the loan, and

then you changed your mind.

Oh, sure, make me the heavy.

Okay, when we were 19, didn't we drive from Berkeley to Washington, D .C. over

Christmas vacation?

That's right, we did, and it practically drove your father insane.

I know, but wasn't it worth it?

Don't you remember what it was like out under the stars?

The two of us and that, uh...

Tattered old sleeping bag?

Mm -hmm.

Mm -hmm.

Oh, my God, Elise, your father was right.

I take it back. I take it all back.

We were bad, bad kids.

Hi, Mom.

Hi. Hey, Mrs. Keaton. Hey, Mrs. Keaton.

Oh,

I forgot.

Mrs.

Keaton, we are giving you the silent treatment.

Which means I am not at liberty to talk with you at the moment, though in the

very near future I'm sure we can chat like we used to.

Maybe we could discuss... When does your silent treatment begin, Nick? Because

I'm really looking forward to it.

Oh, no, no, no. It's on right now. Perhaps she didn't follow me. Hush!

You're not supposed to talk.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

You see...

I can talk with you, Mrs. Keaton. The point is, if I was to talk with Mr.

Keaton... There would be no point.

Nick, honey, let's go upstairs. We still have to plan our vacation.

Oh, hey, hey, we don't have to plan. It's just going to be you and me

in our bags under the stars.

You are bad, bad kids.

Mallory, you don't know what you're getting into with this trip.

You know anything about cars?

It can be very dangerous, you know. You know, if you recharge the battery the

wrong way, you can blow up the car.

How do you know?

He's done it.

Listen, Dad, Nick and I are going to go down to Nick's dad's place, and we're

going to find something that I can afford, and we're going to make this

That's all I have to say.

Joe, Joe.

I want to talk to you. Hey, Steven, always good to see you. Let me get the

papers, you'll sign them, and then we'll split a bag of pork rinds.

Joe... I didn't come to sign.

Then no pork rinds.

Joe, I need your help.

Man to man, father to father.

Which is it, Steve?

Joe, the kids are coming down here to buy a car, and I don't want you to sell

to them.

Steven, you don't seem to have a firm grasp of what I do here.

Yo, I don't think Nick and Mallory should go on this cross -country trip.

worried about the kids.

Hey, hey, I understand you.

I understand you because we're both fathers.

I know, I know. I haven't done a terrific job of controlling Nick because

haven't had a chance to be with him because I abandoned him.

No, but a daughter is different. If Nick wore nicotina, I wouldn't let him do

half of the stuff that he does.

What does he do? I don't know. What does he do? I never see him.

Joe, look, the kids don't have enough money to go anyplace else.

They're coming here, so I'm asking you not to sell them a car.

What am I supposed to tell them when they walk into this glorious showroom

they see all these automobiles?

Joe, I'm going to ask you to do something that's going to be very hard

to do.

I want you to lie.

Lie? Happily.

I thought you were going to ask me to give blood or something.

Hi, Joe.

I'm sorry the first car didn't work out, but we'd like to look at something less

expensive. You know, I've been thinking.

I don't see what you need with a car.

We got $1 ,500.

This is a quality establishment.

We don't have anything for $1 ,500.

What about this car here? It says $1 ,300 on the sticker. $1 ,300 a week.

Joe, that just about wraps up the research on my new documentary.

Floor mats. We never get to look out the window.

Dad, what are you doing here? What?

You came down here to talk Joe out of selling me a car, didn't you? He did

nothing of the kind.

All right, I did.

You're a very hard guy to get a fix on.

I understand your position now.

You have this irrational desire to deprive me of any joy in my life.

Get out of here, Nick.

And then Nixon says... Alex, stop. I don't want an alternate ending to my

Just give it a chance, okay?

Nixon steps up to the podium and addresses the American people.

My fellow Americans.

When I think of Jennifer Spring, one word comes to mind.

P .U.

Go see anything else.

Fiddler on the roof.

Hello, Dolly.

Or just stay home and watch reruns of Flipper.

In conclusion, Jennifer, and let me make this perfectly clear, I am ashamed of

you.

And did I mention, I hate your play.

What? What?

What?

Alex, that was complete nonsense from beginning to end.

Oh, oh, well, excuse me, little miss. I wrote one play, and now I'm Shakespeare.

Alex, you know what? I'm not using yours. There's only one copy of one

play that I am taking to school with me, and it's upstairs on my desk right now.

Oh, I'm pooped.

I'm just gonna, I'm gonna take a little nap.

Alex,

don't you dare touch my Nixon play.

Well, at least Mallory hates me.

What's going on?

I was so upset about Mallory taking this trip with Nick that before they went

down to see Joe, I went down there first and tried to convince him.

not to sell them a car, and Mallory found me hiding on the floor of a

Well, obviously, you meant to do the... Oh,

Stephen, how could you? How could you?

I'll be upstairs watching Nixon Masterpiece Theater.

I suppose the last thing you want to do is talk to me.

But really, I think we should.

You tried to stop me from doing something I have every right to do.

You went back on your word and you did it in front of Joe, the man who will one

day be my father -in -law.

It's just for 20 years I've had this job as your father.

To protect you.

Worry about you.

And it's just...

It's hard to wake up one day and say, well, Mallory's an adult now.

Stop worrying about her.

It's nice to know that you worry about me.

I mean, it's comforting.

I mean, I know when I was a kid and I had a problem, I would always come to

because I thought you had all the answers.

You know, I used to love it when you'd come to me.

Particularly since Alex never did.

He was always telling me to cut my hair, get a decent job, and stop listening to

that loud rock and roll music.

Dad, don't you know there's never going to be a time when I won't come to you?

I mean, I'm always going to want to know what you think.

And not just because you're my dad, but because I really like you.

I like you, too.

You know, I've been thinking.

As your father, I want to be supportive of you and the decisions you make, so...

I've decided to co -sign for that loan.

Thanks, Dad.

I think I should get it on my own, though.

If I can't swing it, I'll just have to wait.

You're no dope, Mallory.

Runs in the family, Dad.

Up next on KSWB, get wacky with Jackie. Jackie Chan Adventures, just part of

Kids WB. And at 5, stay tuned for the magic of Sabrina the Teenage Witch.

There's a full afternoon right ahead on KSWB, San Diego's WB. Watch the frog.

Sit, Ubu, sit.

Good dog.