Original subtitles

What would we do, baby, without us?

What would we do, baby, without us?

And there ain't no nothing we can't love each other through.

What would we do, baby, without us?

Sha -la -la -la.

Hi. Hi. Hi, Jennifer.

Notice anything different about me?

No.

I'll give you a clue. It happens when you're 16, and once it happens, you're

never the same again.

Yes,

yes. I got my learner's permit.

That's a relief.

I don't even know why.

Jen, you must be so excited. Getting your learner's permit is a big event.

And you've got something else to get excited about.

driving lessons with your good old dad.

Boy, excited is such a subjective term.

You know, Dad, I really appreciate that you want to teach me to drive, and it

means a lot to me.

But I've been thinking of the lessons you gave Alex and Mallory. Oh, yeah,

those were great lessons. They could drive through hell if they had to.

And in a sense, we did.

Dad, I want Mom to teach me to drive.

Well...

Oh, well, no, that's fine,

Jen. Just fine.

Your mother will be a wonderful teacher.

If you want to learn to drive that way.

Who is that?

You know.

Okay, boys.

Stephen, I know I can teach Jen to drive better than you ever could.

Not if I hide the keys, you can.

This is going to be hard. The learner's permit says there has to be at least one

adult in the car.

Hey. Hi, you ready to go?

Yes, I am, my little psycho -political cupcake.

We're going to the movies, Mel. You want to come?

Oh, you guys don't leave me now.

Skippy's on his way over. His new girlfriend, he wants to introduce her to

That's great.

When did this happen?

How did this happen?

I don't know, but this could be just what Skippy needs. I mean, he hasn't

since Amy transferred to Yale.

Didn't they decide to see other people?

Well, yeah, but Skippy didn't know what that meant.

So for months, he just walked around looking at other people.

Hi. Hey, Skip, buddy. Come on in.

I'd like you all to meet someone special.

This is Darlene. Darlene, this is Alex, Lauren, and Mallory. Hi, Darlene. Hi.

Hey, why don't we sit down and get better acquainted, all right?

I know.

Um, so have you two known each other long? Yes. No.

Um, we just met this morning.

So this is your first date?

Oh, no. This isn't a date. We're lab partners.

As soon as I met him, he asked me to come home and meet his neighbors, which

is... Weird enough.

Thank you.

Oh, but I said yes because you begged me and I have real trouble saying no.

Will you marry me? Not that much trouble.

Look, I hope you won't mind if I see myself out.

I won't. I don't suppose this engagement ring is going to change your mind?

There must be something we can do. I mean, such a sweet, lovable guy.

There's got to be someone out there for him.

There's not, I looked.

That little vixen. She's playing hard to get.

No, she's not. Who am I kidding?

She hates me. They all hate me.

Skippy, come on. That's not true.

How come last week I asked Lisa Tobin if she wanted to go to the movies with me

and her head spun around a full 360 degrees?

Well, she's had the flu, Skippy.

Skippy, look, the odds are always huge against meeting the right person, but

somehow it happens.

Look, look at Lauren.

She wanted the best, and, you know, darn it, she got it.

Well, sure, Alex, you've never had problems with women, but all the women I

reject me. Even the women I don't meet reject me.

Listen, Skippy, I think maybe I can help you.

Why don't you come to my lab at school and I'll assess your psychological

profile. Maybe we can find out what type of female you're compatible with. I

don't care if she's compatible, as long as she's human.

All right, pal, one time around the maze, then lunch.

Come on, it's easy. You can do it.

That's it.

That's it. Just a little further.

I don't know where to start.

Hi, Skippy. I'll be done in just a second. We're trying to find the cheese.

It's right here.

Very good.

Are you a little nervous?

Well, yes, just a little, though.

I'm not too good with these things.

When I was a kid, my parents sent me to a psychologist, and then a week later,

he spotted rollerskating naked through Woolworths.

Well, Skippy, I don't skate, and I'm sure this is going to go fine.

Just relax.

Tell me a little bit about yourself.

Oh, I think you're asking the wrong guy.

See, I'm pretty much a mystery to me.

Okay, then we'll both discover you at the same time.

Skippy, why don't you tell me a little bit about your past relationships with

women?

Okay. Well, you know about Amy.

And before that, there was, oh, let's see.

Nobody. Unless, of course, you count Mallory.

What exactly was the nature of your relationship with Mallory?

Somewhere in between close personal friend and dog.

You know, I've got to admit, I was a little nervous about doing this. I mean,

because we're friends, and sometimes it's hard to work with people you know

well. But I have to tell you, I feel very comfortable talking to you.

I feel very comfortable talking to you, too. I just wish I could be like this

around other women.

Well, maybe you're scared of women.

Maybe you're scared of relationships.

Does the word love scare you?

Well, maybe. I guess it depends on how it's used in a sentence.

How so?

Well, I love my mother. It's fine.

We'd love to beat you up and take your bike. Worries me.

Okay, let me rephrase the question. Does the concept of being in love scare you?

Not if I could find the right person. Well, who's the right person?

Someone who listens.

Someone who cares.

What does she look like?

Well, she's got long, dark brown, lustrous hair.

Beautiful pale blue eyes.

Pink shell -like ears.

And...

Cute little orange freckles across the bridge of her nose.

Wow.

Sounds like a knockout.

She is.

So, you ladies prepared for your adventure on wheels?

Stephen, don't start.

At least I'm not. I just want to help. I happened upon this Ohio driver's

handbook, and I thought I might give you a little quiz.

Dad, I think we'll be fine on our own.

Come on.

This will be fun.

When making a left turn from a two -lane street onto a three -lane highway, does

the car turning left onto the street or the car turning right onto the highway

have the right of way?

Let me think just a minute. Quickly, Elise, there's no time. Here comes the

tractor trailer.

Too late, Elise.

All right, all right. Let's, uh...

Let's try an easy one.

At what speed do you require a Class 3 license to tow anhydrous ammonia?

It's impossible.

I don't know that.

And you call yourself a driver.

Do you think you could do better?

Yes, I do.

Okay, big boy, you got it.

Oh, no, Mom, please don't leave. No, honey, I'm sorry. I cannot take the risk

what might happen on some wild night when you and your girlfriends decide to

out and toe ammonia.

Okay, Jen, out to the garage for a few words about tire pressure.

Oh, hell, Dad's taking me to the garage.

I really need to talk now.

Okay, I'll get out of your way.

I meant to you.

Oh, oh, okay.

What? Mallory, I'm having uncontrollable romantic feelings. Oh, I knew it,

Skippy. Stop.

You've got to stop pining for me.

I mean, sure, you're lonely.

Yes, I'm desirable.

But it's got to stop.

It's not you.

Oh, okay.

That was really embarrassing.

Well, sure, I felt that way about you once, but now you're more like a sister

me, or even a brother.

No, no, more like a third cousin on my mom's side, Uncle Nestor's boy.

It's all right, Skippy, I'm over it. What's up?

I think I'm in love with Lauren.

Well, that's great. Lauren who?

Lauren, of Alex and Lauren.

That Lauren?

Is keeping you crazy?

I know. I feel so guilty. I feel horrible.

You should.

How can you do this to Alex? I know. I know. There's nothing you can say that I

haven't said to myself already.

Have you said this?

I'm a jerk.

I was much tougher on myself.

It even got physical. Twice I had to separate me.

But she's just the only thing on my mind. She's the only thing I can think

all day and all night. All I say is Lauren.

Lauren.

Lauren, I'm thirsty.

Lauren?

Skippy, perfect. You know, we got some great news for you. Tell them.

All right, I hope you don't mind, but I matched up your profile with some other

women I know at school, and I got you a date.

Alex and I are going to double with you. Isn't this exciting?

Skippy!

Sorry, we're late.

I guess I'm in charge of the introductions.

Alex, this is Pippi.

Hi, Pippi.

Pippi, this is Skippy.

My folks love Pippi Longstocking, so... My folks love peanut butter, so...

Pippi and Skippy.

Will you two ever get married? Your kids could be Flippy, Snippy, and Dippy.

You look beautiful, Lauren.

Oh, thank you. Thank you.

Don't you think Pippi looks terrific?

Pippi who?

Pippi Longstocking.

Oh, yes, that Pippi, of course. Yes, you look very nice. Very peppy, Pippi.

Uh, bread, anybody?

Sure. What? Hey, no, don't hog it.

No, thank you. Are we ready to hear the specials?

Sure. Will you wait just a minute, please?

Lauren, are you ready to hear the specials?

I think so.

Wait a minute, wait a minute. I don't think I'm ready yet.

All right, I'm ready.

Tonight I have a lovely veal scallopini, a delightful little chicken in a

mustard sauce, and of course...

A number of selections from our brand -new fresh seafood cart.

We have lobster, crab, ruffy, and scrot on ice, and you can select the exact one

that you'd like.

All right, I'll have the lobster.

I think I'll have the lobster, too.

Oh, I'm sorry. We only have one lobster left.

Oh, you go ahead, B. No, that's all right, Lauren.

Lauren, you get the lobster. B, you get the scrot. Oh!

Alex? Flip me a fly!

I've got to go. Oh, you can't go. It's flying fish night at Guido's.

That's okay.

I've lost my appetite.

Did you drive her? Yeah, absolutely.

I was the designated driver anyway. It's funny. I thought I'd be driving someone

home because they drank like a fish and I got hit by one.

All right, honey. Save me that lobster, all right?

See you in a while.

I had a very nice time, Pippi. I hope we can do this again.

I'll bring my snorkel.

All right, I don't want you to blame yourself.

Everything was going fine until you started throwing fish.

It's all my fault. I'm a stupid, clumsy oaf.

You're also sweet, sensitive, and caring.

I know what your problem is. You just tend to get overly excited around women,

and your senses overload.

And that only happens around certain women.

Well, then maybe Pippi's still a good bet.

Pippi wasn't the only woman here tonight, Lauren.

That's very sweet, Skippy, but what I meant was... Not that! I'm sorry. I

couldn't help myself.

Sort of felt like you helped yourself.

I'd better go.

The Keaton Driving School is now in session.

Dad, would you mind if we didn't go out in the car for the first time at night?

I mean, it's going to be hard enough in the daytime.

Well, who said anything about a car? We are going to simulate a driving lesson

right here in the kitchen.

Two more chairs and we have a back seat.

I can't do this. I get car sick.

Okay, everybody in the car.

Don't slam the door.

Everybody buckled up?

Okay. Here.

There you go.

Start the car.

Okay. Now pull carefully into the street, checking both ways for traffic.

Stop!

You almost hit that bicycle.

Everybody calm down. We're in traffic now.

Jennifer, watch the road.

Take a left at the line.

Where's the light? What light?

It's right... There!

You just ran a red light, young lady.

Oh, uh -oh, there's a cop behind us.

Where?

Right there.

I'm going to try to lose him. Jennifer, you're...

Oh.

You teach her.

She's too much of a daredevil for me.

I quit.

You can't take the heat.

Get off the highway.

Ah, Skippy flipped out at the restaurant. He tossed a scrod and kissed

the mouth.

Well, good thing it wasn't the other way around.

Oh, that's Skippy. Do you mind if I talk to him alone? He'd be crushed if he

thought you knew. Yeah, that's all right.

Hello, Skippy.

Hello, Lauren.

I'm glad you came over. I think we should talk.

I think so, too, and since I have to catch a plane for the Arctic Circle,

go first.

I just want you to know that wasn't me who kissed you in that restaurant

tonight. That was my evil twin.

Bad Irwin.

Phoebe, I think we should talk about what happened at the restaurant tonight.

I'm sorry.

I really am. It's just that, uh... Well, you were so close, and, um...

I started to...

Have these feelings.

What feelings?

That I loved you.

Skippy, you don't really love me.

You just have this need to be loved by someone, and you transfer that need to

me. What's wrong with me?

I make a complete fool out of myself every time a girl is nice to me.

Fortunately, it doesn't happen that often.

Skippy, when we were alone at the lab, you were charming and relaxed and funny,

and I liked you.

And someone else will, too.

If you can be that way around me, you can be that way around anyone.

Do you think so?

All you've got to do is be yourself.

All right, I'll give it one more year, but then I'm going to be someone else.

Well, now there's just one more thing I have to do, which is talk to Alex.

Alex? Yes?

I think I'll leave you two guys alone.

Alex, there's something I have to tell you. I fell in love with Lauren.

But we talked it over, and I'm getting over it, and this will in no way affect

you two or your happiness.

You fell in love with Lauren?

Whoa.

Whoa, Skippy, this is a shocker.

I mean, I'm not sure exactly what to say.

I mean, it's a pretty painful... It's a pretty painful thing to spring on a

fella.

And I'm just gonna need some time to absorb it and get over it.

All right, I'm over it.

Oh, Skip, hey, don't worry, because somewhere out there is a wonderful girl

you.

She's telling me this. Where the hell is she?

Watch

the

vlog. Don't go away. There's more Family Ties coming up in less than 30 seconds.

And tonight at 6, check out San Diego's favorite comedy lineup. That's right.

Friends, Will and Grace, and everybody loves Raymond. Doo -dah, doo -dah.

You're watching San Diego's home for comedy, KSWB. Watch the frog.

Sit, Ubu, sit.

Good dog.