Original subtitles

I bet we've been together for a million years.

And I bet we'll be together for a million more.

Oh, it's like I started breathing on the night we hit.

And I can't remember what I ever did before.

What would we do, baby, without us?

What would we do, baby, without us?

And there ain't no nothing we can't love each other through.

What would we do, baby, without us?

Come

on,

son. Hey, show Daddy how smart you are.

Okay. Watch me.

No, you do it.

Come on, Andy. Where's the old confidence?

What's going on?

I think we have a major problem, Elise. Read this.

Ring -toth. Hours of fun.

Oh, no. What are we going to do?

Keep reading.

Ours are fun for ages nine months and up.

Nine months?

And how old is Andy?

He's 11 months. What's your point, Stephen?

He... He doesn't know how

to do this, Elise.

It's something for a child much younger, and he doesn't know how to use it.

See?

Easy, Steve. The boy on the box can do it.

I think he needs help, Elise.

I want him to start preschool now.

He's too young now.

I want him to start preschool, Elise. I want him to learn how to use the ring

toss and to use computers.

Hey, what's in the bag, Alex?

An amazing little item. that's going to finally bring this family up to date and

into the 80s. You bought a calendar?

Even better.

Telephone answering machine.

Listen to this.

You have reached the home of Alex P. Keaton.

You leave your name, number, and message. The in -house staff will see to

that Mr. Keaton turns your call as soon as possible.

Thank you, and have a nice day.

Might have mentioned the rest of us by name, Alex.

Oh, I don't know. I like being referred to as the in -house staff.

Tomorrow's my first day as a teaching assistant.

I want to sound important.

Probably going to get a lot of calls from my students.

Still can't believe they're letting you teach a course, Alex.

Jennifer, I told you. Every year, Professor Spanos picks three of his top

students to teach a freshman economics course. It's an honor.

And I'm even invited to the faculty wine and cheese party.

although they've asked me to bring my own cheese.

You're teaching a class?

Alex, if I were going to Leland, I'd want my money back.

Now, if you were going to Leland, everybody would want their money back.

Alex, would you keep an eye on dinner, honey? Jen and I are going to give Andy

bath. Oh, let me come with you, Elise. I want to discuss this preschool thing

with him.

Andy is not going to preschool.

Elise, it's his life.

I've got to hear this again.

You've reached the home of Alex B. Keaton.

Hi.

Hey, Ellen. Hi.

You want to see something funny?

What? What is it? Take a look at this.

What's this?

My class schedule for next semester.

Economics 101, Section 2. Ellen, that's the class I'm teaching. I know.

I signed up for the other class, but I guess the registrar made a mistake.

I'm going to transfer to the other section tomorrow.

Why?

Alex, you don't really think I could be in your class, do you?

Ellen, why not?

Because you wouldn't be able to treat me like all the other students.

You'd favor me.

Come on, that's not true.

All right, maybe if you answer the question correctly, I'd give you a

kiss.

That's it.

Alex, that's very sweet of you, but I don't think it's going to be a good

Ellen, come on, look, we always say we should support each other, right? I

that's why I go to your poetry readings. I go to a dance recital.

You don't think I like that stuff?

You said you did. I know, Ellen. See, that's how we support each other.

We lie.

I want you to be a part of my world. I want you to see me teach. I want you to

be proud of me.

I want you to call me Mr. Keaton.

Okay. I'm going to give it a try.

Settle down.

Settle down.

Welcome.

To Economics 101.

My name is Mr. Keaton.

Or sir.

And I will be your teacher for the semester.

Let's start with some basic theories in economics.

For example, inflation. Does anyone know what causes inflation?

Anyone at all?

All right.

Young lady in the second row wearing glasses?

Well, I'm not sure, but I think that... Excuse me. Your name, please?

Ellen.

Ellen Reed.

And how do you spell that?

R -E -E -D.

Okay, go ahead, Miss Reed. It is Reed, isn't it?

Yeah.

And I'm assuming it's Miss, it's not Mrs. or Mrs.

Miss will be just fine.

Fine, go ahead, Miss. Read.

Let's read.

I forgot the question.

The question was, what causes inflation?

High prices.

Oh, my, my, my, my.

No high prices are the result, not the cause of inflation.

Miss what was it?

Maybe you won't be so quick to raise your hand next

time.

Well, since there seems to be an abundance of ignorance in this class,

all dismissed so that you can get to work on your papers.

That's right, I want a five -page essay from each of you analyzing the first

chapter of your textbook, Money, Keep It Coming.

That's all.

Well, how'd I do?

Fine. Maybe a little rough on me, but fine otherwise.

I wasn't rough on you.

I just...

I just want to prove to myself that I can do this without favoring you.

Well, prove that to me.

Don't worry about it. Everything is going to be fine, Ellen.

In a little while, you're going to get used to being totally subservient to me.

Hey, any calls for me?

I don't know. We just got it ourselves, but Sherry has called Mallory 27 times.

Mallory, this is Sherry again.

Why don't you skip over that?

Oh, no.

The only thing that would be less important than a message from one of

friends is a live conversation with one of your friends.

Ellen, can you stay for dinner? Oh, I can't. I've got too much economics

homework. Skip it.

I would, but my teacher's a little crazed.

Tell me about it.

Uh, this is Mr. Herman from the Harper Preschool, returning Mr.

Keaton's call.

I'm responding to your request for information on our program.

Toddlers. Wrong number.

Harper Preschool Early Admission Plan. Stephen, what is all this? I thought we

decided against preschool.

We did. I can't help it if Andy sent for these brochures.

I'm going to run.

I can meet you later if you want to get a cup of coffee.

I'd love to. I've got to go over these papers.

I'll call you.

Okay. Talk to you later.

Oh, you've got to look at this.

Rich Albert copied his entire paper from the latest issue of High Finance

magazine. How can you tell?

Little things only an experienced teacher would pick up on.

Figures he quotes, writing style.

Subscription offer at the end of the paper.

Guess that's where he slipped up.

I don't know. It's a shame, Ellen. You try to get through to these kids.

What happened?

Oh, smart mind yet?

Ah, yours.

Uh, I don't know.

I think I might have, could have possibly gotten to yours.

Or not.

Let's get that coffee, huh?

What did I get?

Come on, Alan. You gotta wait till tomorrow like the rest of the class.

Alex. What did I get?

All right, all right. Okay, let me see.

Read, read, read. Ah.

Here it is.

You gotta... He might have...

I see.

Mine is.

Oh, come on, Ellen. It's the first paper. I understand. I mean, a lot of

did not do well. Of course. So the average mark was a C.

Ah, so I'm below average.

Come on, Ellen, let's get that copy, okay? My treat.

All right, Alex, you proved your point. What point?

You want to show me how fair you can be by deliberately giving me a lower grade

than I deserve.

Ellen, are you accusing me of trying to show you how fair I can be by

deliberately giving you a lower grade than you deserve?

Don't twist my words, Alice.

Ellen, you got what you deserve.

In fact, I think I might have been a little generous.

This is a very superficial analysis.

I did not deserve a C - and you know it. I've never gotten anything less than a

B on any paper.

Maybe if you spent a little more time studying and a little less time dancing.

Get a better grade.

I cannot believe I was worried about you treating me like the other students.

You've had it in for me since the very beginning.

Come on, what are you talking about?

If I answer a question wrong, you really let me out. If I'm a minute late to

class, you yell at me. Why are you late? If I lag behind on a field trip to the

bank, you get angry at me.

Ellen, come on, let's face it.

You have been a problem since the first day of class.

Oh, yeah?

You want to see a problem?

I'll show you a problem.

Oh, what's that, a threat?

Well, you'll just have to wait till class tomorrow, Mr.

Keaton.

Excellent analysis, Beck.

Albert?

Mr. Keaton?

Yes, Albert, what is it?

I can't make out your comments. What does it say?

Plagiarism is illegal.

Thanks.

Sometimes it's hard to read your handwriting.

Hello, Miss Reed.

Hey, Teach. How you doing?

Fine.

I handed out the papers.

Here's yours.

Hey, what do you know? I got a C -.

I'm even dumber than I thought.

Today we will begin our discussion on the formation of the modern banking

with an emphasis on the relationship between savings and commercial

institutions, the formation of the National Bank.

Let's read.

You chewing gum?

No.

Not at all.

These bubbles just form naturally on my lips.

And I can't figure it out.

All right. That's it.

Get rid of it. Come on.

You heard me. Get rid of it now.

It's on your shoe.

Hold on, Mr. Keaton.

While you're here, I got some junk to get rid of.

Now, as I was saying, new capital

was required to finance the purchase of livestock.

Do you have something you'd like to share with the rest of the class?

Why not?

A rabbi and a priest are in a rowboat.

Rabbis row and priests are down in the water.

Can I talk to you privately, please?

I know you're upset about your grade, but this is not the best way to express

it. Why don't you just graciously accept the fact that you wrote a lousy paper?

I did not write a lousy paper.

Yeah, I know what you're trying to do, and I cannot be intimidated.

Now, take your seats.

Now, many of you will remember that speculation caused the panic of 1837.

This was the first... and a long line of panics, followed by the panic of 1845,

the panic of 1853, and the general nervous tension of 1877.

Each of these incidents confirmed the growing need for...

Sorry. All right, that ought to do it. Play it back.

Hi, I'm Mallory. And I'm Jennifer.

If you're calling for either one of us or our parents, please leave a message

after the beep.

If you're calling for Alex, he doesn't live here anymore.

Well, it's a step in the right direction.

I hear your dinner's almost ready, Alex.

Oh, great. Any calls for me?

Not just the usual death threats from your students.

That's it, though, huh?

Ellen didn't call?

Oh, sorry.

I was kind of hoping she'd call.

Something the matter between you and Ellen?

Uh, yeah.

Listen, Mel, do you mind if I have a private conversation with Mom and Dad?

Come on, Alex. I know what's going on here.

You and Alan are fighting because she's in your class.

Alan probably feels you expect her to do twice as well as everyone else.

And you probably feel she's not working hard enough because she's your

girlfriend.

Nice try, Mel.

How did you know?

I just had to substitute you and Alan for Nick and me and imagine what it

be like if I was taking a class that Nick was teaching.

Where would that class be given now?

College on the moon?

Alex, is what Mallory said true?

I don't know.

Everything was fine at first. And then Ellen got upset when I gave her a C - on

her paper.

And now we hardly talk outside of class. And inside class, she is an academic

menace.

Well, you don't really have a problem here, you know.

You and Ellen have a relationship that's based on trust and love.

And now you're in a position of absolute authority over her.

So what's the problem?

The problem is, these arguments can go into big fights very quickly.

Well, it's like this preschool issue.

Your dad wants Andy to go to preschool, and I don't. And this could have turned

into a great big fight. Instead, we sat down and we talked about it.

We compromised, and Andy is not going to preschool.

What's the compromise?

I get to keep my preschool brochures.

Now, actually, there is a solution to this.

Ellen and I can take her paper to Professor Spanos, let him read it, and

his evaluation.

Well, that sounds reasonable.

Of course, when he finds out I'm going out with Ellen, he's going to be

Teaching is not supposed to be romantically involved with the students.

It's only for full -time professors.

Oh, and don't forget, tomorrow we're going to discuss what to do when the

automatic teller machines run out of money.

Professor Spano should be here any minutes.

He's read your paper. I'm sure he'll decide this fairly and in my favor.

Mr. Keaton?

Class is over. You don't have to raise your hand.

We can be informal here.

Miss Reed?

I just wanted to say that I'm sorry for the way I behaved in class the other

day. I was completely out of line.

It was just an immature response to your...

Insane, lunatic, tyrannical behavior.

I accept your apology.

I have another question, Mr. Keaton.

Go ahead, Miss Reed.

I just want to know how you're doing.

Excuse me?

Well, I mean, it's just that we haven't spoken to each other in a while, and I

was just wondering how you were doing.

Doing nicely. Thank you.

Yourself? Fine.

Thanks.

Miss Reed?

Yes, Mr. Keaton.

I miss you.

You do?

I want things to be the way they were between us.

Mr. Keaton, I have a confession to make.

I reread my paper the other day and I realized it wasn't all that good. I

try as hard as I could have.

Miss Reed, don't blame yourself. I was too hard on you.

You know, I thought I could handle having you as one of my students. I

I'd treat you like the rest of the class. I couldn't. I mean, I went crazy.

I'm sorry.

Mr. Keaton. Oh, Miss Reed.

Worked it out yourselves, did you?

No, no, Professor Spanos.

Welcome. I was just explaining the concept of deficit spending to Miss Reed

here. Oh, I see. Do you understand it now, Miss Reed, or do you need another

hug?

We seem to have a conflict of interest here, Mr. Keaton. You know, a

part of teaching is exercising good judgment, and it doesn't appear as

you have been.

Professor Spanos, please don't hold this against Alex. He's a wonderful teacher.

You know, before I took this class, I thought economics was really boring.

All the statistics about inflation and interest rates and the devaluation of

dollar and trade imbalances.

You know, it really is boring.

Thanks for helping me out here, Ellen.

But Alex changed all that. He makes economics interesting.

but everybody in this class has learned something.

Well, you don't have any other students in the class I should know about, do

you, Mr. Keaton?

Cousins, children, army buddies.

Yes.

Good.

Well, now, as to this paper, I think you were a little harsh on Miss Reed, Mr.

Keaton.

I agree.

I was much too harsh.

Although it was a very sloppy effort, Miss Reed.

I agree.

He was much too harsh.

Well, good luck to both of you.

You know, I must admit this scene is somewhat familiar to me.

I met my wife when she took a microeconomics course I was teaching at

I gave her an A on her final exam and she agreed to marry me.

That's sweet.

Yes. Of course, if I knew then what I know now, I would have flunked her.

I'm sorry about all this, Alex.

Me too.

I love you.

That paper wasn't really a theme minus, was it?

Well...

Considering everything that's been said and done here today, everything we've

been through, I think I could bump it up to a C.

Sit, Ubu, sit.

Good dog.