Original subtitles

I bet we've been together for a million years.

And I bet we'll be together for a million more.

Oh, it's like I started breathing on the night we kissed.

And I can't remember what I ever did before.

What would we do, baby, without us?

What would we do, baby, without us?

And there ain't no nothing we can't love each other through.

What would we do, baby, without us?

Sha -la -la -la.

Okay, who wants more cocoa?

I do.

Okay, well, I'll make some more.

Stephen, why don't you give me a hand?

Let's lick the spoon.

So good to me.

So, Alex, if Mallory hadn't interrupted your interview, you might have gone to

Princeton, and I never would have met you.

Well, that's fine for you, Ellen, but there's some girl in Princeton crying

eyes out right now.

I got a great story to tell you, Ellen, now that my parents are out of the room.

Oh, I like the sound of this.

When I was 16, I had this boyfriend, and I stupidly went to Alex for advice.

Well, he and my dad were recording spontaneous family conversations for

Jennifer's school project.

So when I walked in, my dad put the tape recorder on without my knowing it and

left the room.

See you later, son.

I want to ask you a question.

I'm all ears.

Well, you're a guy.

Mallory, I'm not just a guy.

I like to think of myself as a guy and a half.

What's up?

Okay, I was wondering, how important is sex to a guy?

I'd say it has a certain importance.

Well, on a scale of one to ten. Thirty -five.

That's what I thought.

Why are you asking me this?

I'm just making conversation.

No, no, no, no, no. This is not conversation.

Conversation is, uh, how you doing? Uh, looks like rain.

Care for a waffle?

There's something going on here. You're not telling me.

Wait a minute, Mallory.

Uh... Has Rick asked you to visit his teepee?

You mean sleep with him?

Yeah. Yeah, has he?

Well, yeah, he has.

Oh.

Well, when you said you wouldn't sleep with him, I mean, you weren't nice to

him. I mean, you let him down easy, I hope.

I said yes.

I see.

Uh, just a moment.

Are you crazy?

Is this the way I brought you up?

Look, Mallory, you're making a big mistake here. You're 16 years old. That

too young.

Well, have you ever?

Have I ever what?

Had someone visit your teepee.

Me? Of course I have.

But I was much older than you.

You're 16.

I was 17.

I was 17, eight months and three days, and I was leap year. You're babbling,

Alex.

Look, Mallory, you just can't do this. It's wrong.

You're not ready yet.

What wasn't wrong when you did it? Oh, come on, that's different. I'm a guy.

That is such a double standard, Alex.

If a guy loses his virginity, he's some kind of hero, but if a girl does, she's

ruined her life. That's stupid.

Well, it may be stupid, but it's the law of nature.

You can't fight that.

Look, it's your duty as a woman to say no.

You know, if women shouldn't have responsibility, men, uh, men would never

any work done.

Well, Alex, it's obvious that you can't be objective about this.

Why do you want to do this, Mallory?

Well, I care very much about Rick.

And I'm attracted to him.

I'm curious.

Oh, Mallory.

Why don't you, uh, why don't you talk to Mom about this?

She lives for this stuff.

I can't do that, Alex. You know how hard it is to talk to parents about this?

All right, okay, well, whatever you decide to do, don't do it.

Alex, I know in your own warped way you've tried to help.

I appreciate it.

Why are these kids in such a hurry to grow up?

Well, I didn't go through with it. I decided I wasn't ready. I saved their

How can you say that? Oh, come on, Mary.

Hey,

what's all the noise about?

Nothing.

Look what I found scratching at the back door.

Hi, guys.

Skippy, have a seat.

Oh, all right. What are you guys doing? Oh, we're just telling stories, having

some fun.

Alex stories.

Oh, can I tell one?

Go ahead, Skippy.

Well, my favorite Alex story is the time he rented out the house while Mr. and

Mrs. Keaton were away.

Oh, this is a great one, Al. This is during Leland's homecoming game last

Okay, the ad is in the paper. What's her state of readiness, Skipper? All

systems are go, Chief. The baby's room is in a state of rental preparedness.

This feels weird to me, renting out a room in our own house.

Well, Jen, don't take of it as renting.

All we're doing is letting strangers use a room in our home.

For money.

You know what I think?

Don't ask the impossible, Mallory.

Alex, I think that Mom and Dad would not approve of this.

Oh, come on, Mallory. You underestimate our parents.

They are thoughtful, generous people.

And I think they'd be thrilled to know we were using their home to shelter

travelers.

You mean we're going to tell them?

What, are you crazy?

Things got out of hand real quick.

I believe the ad said 75 a night. Right. Wait a minute. We want that room. I'll

give you 80.

80?

80? I'm sorry, sir. That's not the way I do business.

Now, you offend me.

The Driscolls were here first, then they should get the room.

Make it 90. I'm not as offended anymore.

Do something, Jack. I'm not going to sleep in the car again. We slept in the

last year for homecoming. I still have ashtray marks on my neck.

95. 96.

97. 98.

98. 50. 99.

Wait a minute. Wait just one minute.

That's a big house.

What are we all bidding on one room for? I mean, there's lots of rooms in this

place. Please, look, there's only one room for rent. The others are occupied.

Little girl, do you have a room?

Yes. I'll give you a hundred bucks for it. You got it.

I have a room.

Everything was under control, but then Dad called to say he was coming home

early. We had to get everybody out.

Our guests had other ideas.

I hope you don't mind. I invited a few people. Oh, mind.

It doesn't matter.

We captured the other team's mascot. We got the Crawford Kangaroo.

They captured the Crawford Kangaroo.

This is a day we will never forget.

Dad was really furious at us. Mallory, I'd rather not talk about it.

Look, do you, uh, plan on being mad at us for the rest of your life?

That is my plan.

But, Dad, we're your flesh and blood.

Yeah, yeah, Dad, we're...

Remember how cute we were when we were babies?

Yeah, well, I'm still a baby, Dad.

Will you read me a book, Daddy?

Yeah, Daddy, read us all a book.

Come on, Dad, don't go away.

You always said that we should talk about these things.

Alex, parents are conditioned to accept a...

A few minor problems when they leave their children alone at home.

Spilled milk on the rug.

Broken dish.

There was a kangaroo.

In my living room.

He was just here for the party, Dad.

Then I guess I'm overreacting.

Dad, if you just give us a chance, we can explain everything.

Well, can you?

Can you explain the valet parking in the driveway?

The flashing vacancy sign in front of the house?

The billboard on Route 41?

Look, Dad, I just lost my head, you know?

When the money started rolling in, I got out of control.

I could smell it. I could taste it.

I could hear it calling me at night saying, Alex, at last we'll be together.

Dad, I guess you could just say that I kind of became a moneyholic.

Dad, I need help.

Did I miss anything?

Yeah, they're moving in for the kill now, Mom. I'm being held responsible for

everything except the thinking of the Titanic.

Where were you on that night, Alex?

I admit it, Alex. You do have a talent for creating disasters wherever you go.

That's true, but he means no harm.

At last, a lone voice cries out in my defense.

Careful, Mom. They'll go after you.

Does that mean you don't have any Alex stories to tell me, Mrs. Keegan?

No words to the wise?

I didn't say that.

You're my last hope.

Well, do you remember the big fight we had on your 18th birthday?

Well, Stephen was on a business trip, and so the girls and I were going to

Alex out to celebrate, but he decided he wanted to go with his friends to some

sleazy bar in West Virginia.

The Camelot Inn is a very elegant establishment, Ellen.

I'll take you there some night for the hog -calling contest.

Well, I didn't want him to go.

The girls and I had been planning this for a long time, and I didn't think that

he should drive 200 miles just to go to a bar.

But he went anyway.

Neil had set up some dates for us, but in order to impress them, he had to tell

a few small lies.

I'd like you girls to meet a couple of young airport cadets under my charge.

This is Lieutenant Lipman. Ladies.

And this is Colonel Keaton.

Uh, how you doing?

This is a big night for Colonel Keaton, girls. Tomorrow morning at 0500 hours,

he flies his first mission into hostile enemy territory.

Really? Come on, Neil.

Well, he's exaggerating.

A little.

What do you mean?

Well, it's not my first mission. It's my first solo mission.

Yeah, and I'm going with them.

What country are you attacking?

Oh, Canada.

You're not at war with Canada, are we?

Tell me, Buffy, what place is there for fear in a struggle whose ultimate goal

is nothing less than the survival of liberty?

I don't know.

Are you scared?

Let me tell you a little story about fear, Buffy.

About a year ago, I'm up in my F -14 doing a test flight.

I'm about... 70 ,000 feet up. I had that puppy going Mach 2.

All of a sudden, the fan belt goes out of me.

And you know something? Any other pilot in that situation might have felt fear.

But, uh, not this guy. No, sir.

Uh, Alec? That's Colonel Keaton. I'm sorry, Colonel Keaton, I mean?

What is it? Your mother's here.

I want you to come home with me.

Excuse me, but the colonel happens to be my date.

The colonel.

Uh, yeah, maybe some other time.

Tonight is a big night for him. Tomorrow morning he's in date in Canada.

have been radically changed.

Um, Mrs. Keaton, would you please not tell my mom that you saw me here?

Why is his mother here?

She probably came down to wish him luck on his mission tomorrow.

You had no right to defy me, Alex. I want you to leave with me right now.

No, Mom, this is crazy. Look, we can talk about this later, tomorrow morning.

You're invading... Canada tomorrow morning.

Mom, I'm not leaving with you. No way.

You are coming home with me right now, young man, and that is final.

Hi.

Uh, Neil, Doug, lady, I gotta go.

Have a safe mission.

The real firework started when Colonel Keaton and I got

back home.

He's still out there, Mom.

Is he going to stay in the car all night?

He'll have to come in for breakfast.

Can't we just put a bull out by the back door?

Then why don't we... I'm with you.

I'm with you.

Mom, I made a pact with myself never to speak to you again.

But I've given myself permission to suspend it.

Briefly. Because frankly, Mom, the curiosity is killing me.

How on earth?

Can you possibly justify doing what you did to me tonight?

Go ahead. I'm listening.

Oh, I know.

I know. You're mad because I disobeyed you.

Well, let me tell you something, Mom.

I only disobeyed you because you were wrong.

Without just cause or provocation, you denied me permission to do something I

have every right in the world to do.

Oh, sure.

Sure, this is your house.

And as long as it's your house, I gotta live by your rules. Well, that used to

be true.

Not anymore, Mom.

I'm an adult now. I got 18 years under this belt.

And my life is in my own hands.

Have you anything else to say?

I thought not.

All right, Mom.

Okay, I think I've refuted all your arguments.

Until you are ready to apologize to me, I am done speaking with you.

Oh, I didn't realize you started speaking with me.

What is that supposed to mean?

The past two days, Alex, you have complained to me, grunted at me,

me, and presented me with ultimatums, but not once.

Not once have you even come close to talking with me.

Semantics.

Okay, Mom.

All right, okay.

Okay, I haven't been very chatty lately.

I haven't been a million laughs.

That is not the issue here.

The issue here is my right to live my own life without having you try and

control it. You have every right to live your own life. I'm not trying to deny

you that.

Oh, no.

Oh,

no. Okay, then why did you drive a hundred miles and humiliate me in front

half the state of West Virginia?

You had a few hours to kill.

I did it because you defied me.

And even more important than that, I did it because I was hurt and angry and fed

up.

About what?

I've tried starting conversations with you only to be politely dismissed.

I've asked you to help around the house and been ignored.

You canceled out dinner plans that I had made without a moment's thought to my

concern in the matter.

I do not enjoy being made to feel like an intrusion and an annoyance in my

own...

Look, Mom, I'm sorry that I wasn't more sensitive.

Okay, I guess I should have been.

But I'm not used to thinking that way when it pertains to you.

I mean, I think of you as my mother, not as a person.

You know what I mean.

Surprise, Alex.

I am a real person.

sense i was wrong not to let you go out with your friends but if you want me to

respect your rights as an adult then you better start respecting mine okay i

didn't respect your rights and you didn't respect mine so uh how do we

out who's right and who's wrong here there is no absolute right or wrong

it's my job as a parent to to set boundaries and it's your job to

change them

in an argument because you wanted to walk to school by yourself.

I remember.

I remember.

And I was right.

And you let me go.

Yes. But I followed you.

And I hid behind trees and mailboxes to make sure you looked both ways and you

crossed on the green.

Did I?

Yes.

In fact, when another kid tried to cross in the middle of the block, he made a

citizen's arrest.

Yeah, that was little Timmy Dugan. I let him off for the warning.

It's unbelievable to me, Alex, that 18 years ago tonight, I

had a baby boy.

Me, right?

Ever since that night, you've been trying so hard to grow up, and I've been

trying so hard not to let it happen.

Well, considering we have been at cross purposes, I think we're doing all right.

Mom, I'm sorry. I've been treating you so rotten lately.

I'm sorry I ruined your dinner.

Ah, don't worry about it.

I had to go to bed early anyway.

I'm attacking Canada in the morning.

Good luck.

Thank you.

And happy birthday.

Thank you.

I love you, honey. Ah,

Mom, don't start that stuff.

I love you too, Mom.

Some night. I'll never forget it.

Not surprised.

No one in this family ever forgets anything.

Hey, everybody.

Andy's just about asleep. Do you want to come up and say goodnight to him? Oh,

yes.

Oh, uh,

are you two coming along?

No, we better not.

Who knows what incriminating stories Andy might have to tell Helen.

So, after everything you've heard tonight, do you, uh...

still like me, or should I take the calculator back?

Alex, do you really think anything your family told me came as a surprise?

I didn't exactly think it was common knowledge.

From the very beginning, I knew that there was something different about you.

Different as in good?

Different as in they've been a wonderful six months.

I love you.

Happy anniversary.

I love you, too.

Happy anniversary, Alex.

Did you really invest your father's money in the stock market?

Sit, Ubu, sit.

Good dog.