Original subtitles

I bet we've been together for a million years.

And I bet we'll be together for a million more.

Oh, it's like I started breathing on the night we kissed.

And I can't remember what I ever did before.

What would we do, baby, without us?

What would we do, baby, without us?

And there ain't no nothing we can't love each other through.

What would we do, baby, without us?

Sha -la -la -la.

Well, that was interesting.

Leland Art Council presents an evening of mine.

I prefer an evening of dentistry.

Let me get this straight. You didn't enjoy it.

Well, Ellen, I got to admit, for the first couple of minutes, it was pretty

interesting watching a guy in white face walking around going like this.

After ten minutes, you want to start slapping people around.

Alex, if you just give it a chance, mine can really be exciting.

I did give it a chance.

He kept getting up and yelling, louder, louder.

Look, Ellen, I'd like to sit around here and argue with you about this, but I

got something more important to do. What?

Give you this.

Six -month anniversary.

Ellen.

It's beautiful.

A pocket calculator.

You don't already have one.

Not with a slide rule.

Oh, look, they're at it again.

Hey, hey, come on, give us a break. It's a special occasion tonight. It's our

six -month anniversary.

I just gave Ellen a present.

When does it mature?

It's a pocket calculator and slide rule.

Sounds like love to me, Ellen.

Joke, if you will, okay, but these have been the six best consecutive months of

my life.

Me too.

I liked him, too, for the first six months I knew him.

Then what happened?

Well, let's just say there's been a lot of water under the bridge since then.

I could tell you some stories.

Come on, now. Ellen likes Alex. What happened in the past isn't important.

I was just going to tell Ellen about the time Alex secretly invested Dad's money

in the stock market.

Oh, Ellen, you've got to hear this.

Come on, come on. Ellen doesn't want to sit around here and listen to a bunch

of... Boring old story. It's too yelling.

You invested your father's money in the stock market without telling him?

Alex was taking a high school course all about the stock market.

He found this stock he really liked and he asked me to invest in it and I said

no. I hate nostalgia.

So Alex called up pretending to be my dad and invested in the account.

At first the stock was doing great.

Then Alex went over to the brokerage house to see how much money he was

Mom and Dad were on their way down, and I was going to surprise them with all

the money I'd made by investing everything in VIP industries.

Oh, hi, Alex. I'll be with you in just a second. I'm having some trouble with

the computer here. It keeps jamming.

Circuits must be down.

Oh,

have you tried this?

See, sometimes you have to clear it during this phase, or it's a real pain.

I knew that.

Look at that transalloyed upper point.

That Petramco up two and a half, that's terrific.

Yeah, it's terrific.

Yeah, you're as hot as a pistol, Alex.

You got the mightiest touch, buddy boy.

Well, I'm glad I talked my dad into investing. Oh, and that setback with

Well, regrettable is certainly understandable. Excuse me.

What setback with VIP?

Uh, Mr. Matthews, what was that you just said about VIP?

Oh, there was a typhoon in Manila last night. Millions in damage. Stock dropped

28 points. Excuse me, Alex.

Uh, are you sure?

About what?

About the typhoon, the stocks. Are you sure?

Of course I'm sure. I'm surprised you didn't know about it. What am I, a

weatherman?

I've been at school all day. I'm a kid.

That's right. I forget sometimes.

Alex, take it easy. So it's dropped 28 points.

He bought it at 29.

Whoa. All he has to do is meet the margin call by closing tomorrow.

How much is a margin call?

$2 ,700.

That's no big deal.

Excuse me, Alex. I've got some customers to take care of.

That's not good for business, Alex.

Look, Mr.

Matthews. Those people out there are my parents.

Well, my dad doesn't know about the typhoon or the margin call. Look, Alex,

way your dad plays the market, he understands that a $2 ,700 margin call

the end of the world.

Yeah, well, let me just tell him in my own way, okay?

You don't understand. He takes these things very hard.

When he was a boy, a typhoon wiped out his village.

Okay, Alex. Alex, if he's going to take the news anywhere close to the way

you're taking it, maybe you're right.

He

found

it.

Great. Come on in.

Alex, what's going on here?

Uh, here? Here, this is a brokerage house. They buy, they sell.

Alex, you just slammed the door on us.

Yeah, well, I didn't want you to come in until everything was just right.

Clean up that desk, will you?

Why did you want us to come down here? What was all this talk about an

anniversary present?

Yeah, well, I just thought this would be the best place to give it to you.

Happy anniversary, Mom, Dad.

I love you.

If that weren't bad enough.

Saved by the yell.

Thanks, pal.

I owe you one.

I'll get him. Oh, thanks, Jim.

Well, I guess that ends that little storytelling session.

Maybe we can trade some more lie landers and half -truths next week.

It wasn't so much the money that upset me, Alex. It was that you had acted so

irresponsibly that I couldn't trust you in that type of situation.

Look, Dad, I'm older now. I'm much more responsible.

Alex, you're an intelligent, ambitious, well -dressed young man, but when it

comes to making difficult business -related decisions, you're not

Remember the housekeeper incident?

There are two sides to every story.

What housekeeper?

Well, I was pregnant at the time, and we needed someone to help us clean house.

I was knocked out from interviewing different housekeepers for the job, so I

told Alex to screen the rest of the applicants and let me know if anyone

came by.

Two sides.

Hello. I'm Karen Nicholson. I've come to apply for the housekeeping position.

You have?

Yes.

Uh, Min. Min.

Uh, here.

Thank you.

Won't you please sit down?

I have a few questions here I must ask you.

Do you have any references?

No.

Do you have any experience as a housekeeper?

No.

Can you cook?

Cook?

No.

So, you have no experience, no references, and you can't cook.

That's right.

You're hired.

Well, you really run a tough interview, Alex.

Hey, Karen was all right. She was starting to come along, too. We just

give her enough time.

Alex, if we'd given her any more time, this house wouldn't be standing.

Hey. Hey, can I fix you a cold drink? Uh, the ice maker's not working, Alex.

Karen broke it a week ago. No, no, no, no. She told me that she took care of it

today. I'll get it myself, Alex. Thanks.

So, uh, how was your day at school?

I mean specifically that English class. You said you were having a little

trouble with it.

Doing great, Dan. I'm doing great. Here, hang on a second.

Take a look at that.

Good, Dad, good. I'm really glad I chose Newland. You know, and the economics

department's everything I hoped it'd be.

Who are we kidding, Alex?

She's not working out.

She's totally incompetent. She has got to go.

Dad, will you quit being such a perfectionist?

Alex, Alex.

Alex, look around you.

I'm afraid to, Dad.

Alex, this woman cannot do one thing we need her to do.

Okay, well, Dad, let's keep thinking until we think of something that she can

do. We have to fire her, Alex, for our own safety.

If this had been a Pop -Tart, we'd be dead now.

I miss Karen.

She may not have been a good housekeeper, but she sure was fun to

Look, I took control of the situation, and it didn't work out.

It's happened once in my life.

Oh, yeah, Alex?

What about the quiz -off?

Okay, maybe twice.

What was this quiz -off?

Well, a couple of years ago, Alex was the leader of the Harding High quiz -off

team. There was going to be a big match held live at my dad's PBS station.

Alex needed to fill one more spot on the team, and he picked me.

Mistake of my life.

Well, he made my life miserable trying to teach me everything in a couple of

days.

Let's turn to the next question.

Alex, we've been doing this for hours. I'm getting tired.

She needs her rest.

Jennifer, I don't think you fully appreciate what an enormous task I've

undertaken here.

I'm taking a simple peasant girl whose greatest prior

achievement was coordinating her eye shadow with her sweater, and I'm turning

her into someone, someone who could have a conversation with me.

You're going to have to give her more incentive than that, Alex.

Alex, let's just get this over with. You're getting a little too pompous,

for you.

Okay.

Now, we went over this one yesterday.

It's a geography question.

At the southern tip of Chile lies a body of water named for a famous explorer.

Name this body of water.

Uh, a body of water, right?

Name for the famous explorer.

Come on now.

Another tip of chili?

Hudson River.

That's not right.

No, it's the Straits of Magellan.

You guys are still at it? It's so late.

I'm glad you're here. We need your help with another dry run. We've had five dry

runs in the last two days, Alex. Just one more. We're at a turning point here.

Mallory actually named all the cabinet members.

That was me, Alex.

Alex, I'm tired.

Just a couple more questions. Now, what do the letters in the acronym SCUBA

stand for?

Well, it's kind of like skin diving, isn't it? Yes.

Yes. It is. Now, what do the letters stand for? We've gone over this before.

Self -contained underwater breathing apparatus.

What did you say?

Self -contained underwater breathing apparatus.

Again?

Self -contained underwater...

We got to the studio. We were all prepared.

Then the questions started.

There's a body of water at the tip of southern Chile that's named for the

man to circumnavigate the globe. What is this body of water?

Alex Keaton, Harding High.

The body... To the camera.

Right, to the camera. The body of water.

Five seconds, Harding.

Straits of Mass.

Mass.

Mass.

Anyone else on the Harding team?

Mallory Caton.

Straits of Massachusetts.

No, no, I'm sorry.

The correct answer was the Straits of Magellan.

Straits of Massachusetts is incorrect.

Wait a minute. What's the judges say?

Close enough.

Wait, wait, wait.

Wait a minute. That's the wrong answer.

But as I said before, the decision of the judges is final.

Harding will get credit for that answer.

The score is tied 5 -0.

Thanks to me, we almost won. I think it's cute you had stage fright, Alex.

No, I don't accept that, Ellen. I still think one of the teachers from the

opposing team drugged me.

Alex, the other team's teachers were all nuns.

That's what they wanted you to think, Dad.

You know, I am not the only member of this family who's made the occasional

blunder.

Occasional? Ha.

Mallory, you made your share.

Like what?

Princeton.

I went down to Princeton for an interview, and Mallory wanted to come

because her boyfriend was a freshman there, and she wanted to surprise him.

Yeah, well, it worked.

When she walked into his room, he was kissing another girl.

And while this was going on, I was down at the dean's office ready to knock his

socks off in my interview.

Anyway, he asked me to wait in another room, and then when I stepped inside...

Whoa.

Yes, Dean Memminger, I certainly do want to attend Princeton.

I've always had a certain, oh, shall we say lust?

No, not lust. An admiration for the Ivy League.

What about Jeff? I saw Jeff and the desk kissing.

Jeff was kissing the desk?

Are you crazy? I don't want to

see you. Let me explain.

Mallory, let him explain.

Jeff, why don't you take her out for dinner? Here's a couple of bucks.

Mallory, I had every intention of telling you about Sandy.

Sandy? Did you hear that, Alice? Her name's Sandy.

Great, here's some more money. Take Sandy with you.

I'm sorry you have to find out like this, but don't forget, we did agree to

other people.

Say, that's right. Well, I guess this is settled, huh?

Just go away, okay, Jeff, because I don't want to talk about it anymore.

Mallory? Jeff.

Ellen!

Has there been a coup?

Well, hello, team manager.

Just wishing Alex good luck. I think you'll really like him.

He's a swell kid.

Well, that's good enough for me.

Congratulations.

Welcome to Princeton.

We'll talk later, Mallory.

Well, so long.

And who is this?

Hi.

She was just leaving.

I want to go home right now, okay, Alex?

Mallory, please be reasonable, okay? Just wait outside. I'll be down here in

few minutes.

Okay, I'll wait out here.

Good. And try to keep your mind off Jeff.

Okay,

I'm ready.

You sure?

Yes, sir.

This interview has not got off to a good start, Mr. Keaton. If there is any

further interruptions, I may have to hold it against you.

Yes, sir. I'd do the same thing if I were in your shoes.

By the way, did I tell you how much I liked your shoes?

Sit down, Mr. Keaton, please.

Yes, sir.

I must say, I'm very impressed with your application.

Very impressed indeed.

I can always spot sincerity and commitment in an application.

Well... Thank you, sir.

I tried to throw a lot of both in there.

Uh, Dean Meminger, as you could probably tell, I regard Princeton as perhaps the

finest... educational... in...

Ever since I was a young lad of about, oh, I don't know, six or eight months of

age.

Excuse me.

Hello?

It's for you.

Mallory, would you please... Look.

Look, I know you want to go home right now, but I can't.

Mallory, Mallory, don't leave without me.

No, no, don't leave the building. I repeat, do not leave the building.

You think she'll call again?

No, no, that's it.

Fine, then we can get on with this interview.

Please. All right, Mr.

Keaton, could you tell me what unique qualities you possess which might enrich

the Princeton community?

Well, sir, I'm glad you asked that.

How much time have you got?

Well,

sir, at the risk of sounding immodest...

You see before you a young man without a flaw.

Unless, of course, you find me a modest, in which case I have one flaw.

I see that you're very involved in extracurricular activities.

Oh, yes, sir. Yes, sir. You see correctly.

As a matter of fact, if I may speak extracurricularly for a moment.

If you can, please do.

Well, sir, I...

She's leaving.

Huh?

Just a second.

Valerie, come back here, will you? What is going on here?

Uh, uh, Dean Manager, is there any possibility of rescheduling this

Maybe later today or tomorrow.

There'll be no rescheduling of this interview.

Oh, I'm, uh, I'm sorry to hear that, sir, because I really have to go.

What?

Look, that's my sister out there.

She came up to Princeton with me to surprise her boyfriend, and she's on

another girl.

She's very upset, and I should probably go talk to her because I am her brother.

So I got to go.

Sir, I hope my record can stand on its own because I really do want to attend

Princeton.

I love this place.

I love everything about it.

I have ivy grown on my bedroom walls.

Go Tigers! Beat Yale!

I mean that.

Sit, Ubu, sit.

Good dog.