Original subtitles

I bet we've been together for a million years.

And I bet we'll be together for a million more.

Oh, it's like I started breathing on the night we hid.

And I can't remember what I ever did before.

What would we do, baby, without us?

What would we do, baby, without us?

And there ain't no nothing we can't love each other through.

What would we do, baby, without us?

Sha -la -la -la.

Okay, Andy, these are your choices for dinner.

Dude beef, dude prunes, dude peas, dude figs.

Or chocolate fudge ice cream.

Says he wants the ice cream.

Does he know that this is not as nutritious as the other thing?

He does.

But he says you've got to live a little.

Hi, guys.

Guy, you look awful, Dad. You're all flesh.

You feeling all right?

I feel fine.

You sure you're not getting sick? Of course I'm sure. I don't get sick.

I guess you just look awful for no reason, then. That's right.

You see, it's all a matter of mind control. You can't give in to sickness.

You gotta face it head on and tell it, get lost, brother.

You're not using my body for your wild party.

He's delirious.

Well, I better get Andy out of here before he catches it. What? I am not

I'll go get the thermometer.

I'm not sick.

Look, I don't care if we do need the exercise. The car broke down. We should

have taken a cab home. The car broke down? I wasn't going to waste my money

car fare. There's nothing wrong with a brisk walk.

Well, where did it break down? A brisk walk? Mom, you overtook a moving train.

If I was going too fast, Alex, you should have told me. I tried to, Mom.

stream behind you drowned out my voice.

Hi, guys.

Where'd you come from?

It's not important. Look, just please tell me, where is the car now?

Oh, it's up on 23rd and Hill. I'm going to call a tow truck. No, don't do that.

I'll just drive over there and take a look at it. Hey, Dad, the car is dead.

You're not going to be able to fix it.

What did it do before it died?

I don't know. It made some kind of a noise.

Was it like, um...

Sounds

like a private conversation.

I'll come back later.

Obviously, the problem was in the carburetor.

The choke must have closed up. All you had to do was stick a screwdriver in the

top of the carburetor to get it started up again.

How'd you know that?

Well, it's very basic, Alex. Auto mechanics won.

Anyone who drives a car should know that sort of thing.

You know, Steven, you're right. What if Andrew were sick and I'm taking him to

the doctor and the car breaks down?

Mom, at the speed you walk, you'd be better off leaving the car at home.

You know, Elise, if you'd like to take an auto mechanics course, there's a good

one over at the community college.

Wait a minute, Dad. Mom, in an auto mechanics class, that'd be like you

course in embroidery.

Embroidery. You know, I've always... Dad.

Wait a minute, Alex. What are you trying to say?

Oh, come on, Mom. Women do not belong in auto mechanics classes.

Men are just naturally superior in that field.

Oh, well, then maybe you can tell me why you couldn't fix the car.

I could have.

If I'd had gloves.

Proper tools.

A mechanic.

Alex, women can fix cars as well as men.

All right, Mom.

All right, what if you're fixing a transmission and you break a nail?

Or you have to give birth.

Alex, if you're so sure about your point of view, why don't you take that course

with your mother?

All right.

All right, I will, but only to prove my point. Mom, I'm going to be twice the

mechanic that you are.

Ha! Ha -ha.

Ha -ha -ha! Ha -ha -ha -ha.

I'll come back later.

All right, if you'll all gather around here, right around here, we can get

started.

What's in the briefcase?

Oh, uh, Wall Street Journal, Fortune Magazine, latest economic forecast for

third quarter of 86.

I'm glad someone had the good sense to bring that stuff.

Thank you.

Okay, now, the basic goal of this course is to provide an understanding with how

an engine works and to make simple repairs when it doesn't.

Uh, excuse me.

Hey, what is it? I was wondering if you could tell us a little bit about how

your grading system works.

Glad to.

No grades.

What I mean is, let's say I'm better at automotive mechanics than, well, let me

pick someone at random, this lady.

No, no, come on, Mom, let me finish.

Let's say I'm better than she is. Now, how do I know I'm going to get the

recognition? Well, the gold star to your forehead.

Fair enough, fair enough.

Okay, now we're going to start by identifying different parts of the

Now, what I'm going to do is I'll point to a pot, and anybody who knows what it

is, just yell it right out, okay?

Ann.

Ann?

How about you there, Mr.

Wall Street Journal?

What's that called?

Well, let me see.

It's name is derived from the Latin root

carparticus.

It's a fan belt.

If you want to use the vulgar term.

All right, does anybody know what this is here?

Hmm?

Huh? How about you, lady? Come on. Oh, uh, Sam.

Sam. Uh, this... This lady is my mother.

Recently released from the kitchen.

She doesn't know that much about cars, so try not to embarrass her in front of

the whole class.

It's the carburetor.

Right. Sorry to embarrass you.

Okay, does anybody know what this is?

That's where you pour the water in, so it's the radiator, right?

Very good, okay.

Let's see if you can make it three for three. What's that?

Oh, that's easy, spark plugs. Hey, this lady's hot. I mean, she's on a roll. She

knows her way around an engine here. Can we get back to work, please?

Since you're so anxious to get back to work, come here, I got a special job for

you. Well, certainly, Sam. I'm your man. Do you recognize real automotive talent

when you see it?

I do.

And while your mother shows us the rest of the parts of an engine, why don't you

go get me a cup of coffee?

Me?

Yeah, you.

You can recognize a coffee machine, can't you?

It's derived from the Latin coffee machinicus.

102.

Got a minute now, Dad. You're sick.

I'm not sick.

Here, Dad, I heated up a nice can of soup for you. Make you feel better.

Thank you, Mallory. I will eat this because you made it for me, not because

think I'm sick.

It's a little thick, Mallory. How much water did you add?

Water?

Why don't we ask the teacher's pet?

That's not fair, Alex. No, I'll tell you what's not fair, Mom. Be instant to get

coffee while your mother plays Mrs. Goodrich.

Did anything else happen we should know about?

No, no, no, nothing else happened.

Here, Alex, let's get some ice on that hand before it swells up.

Are you sure nothing else happened?

I don't know how they could expect anyone to change a tire with that rusty

jack and not hurt themselves.

Alex, you hurt yourself trying to take the jack out of the trunk.

All right, I admit, I got off to a bad start today, but I assure you I'll be

better than her.

In fact, I'm going to be the best student in the class, and I won't have

the teacher's pet to do it.

Alex, this is not a competition. We are taking this class to learn.

No, Mom, you read books to learn.

You take a class to show how much you've learned, to get A's, to be the best, to

beat your mom.

To beat your mom. Isn't that the Harvard motto?

Okay. All right. All right. Make your little jokes at my expense.

But don't come to me when your cars break down.

Because I'm going to be the one who's laughing then. Don't come to me to

recharge your carburetors.

Not this guy.

Recharge batteries, not carburetors.

I knew that.

Watch carefully, Skippy. You're about to see an automotive genius at work here.

Now, this goes this, this goes here, and this

goes right... Then what?

This thing is impossible to put together. There isn't a student in this

who's going to finish this project.

Mom did.

No. Admit it, Alex. Mom's just a better mechanic than you are.

You're just saying that because she's your mother.

How's your project coming? Fine, Mom. Fine.

Looks like you're having a little trouble.

Uh, no, no. As a matter of fact, I was just about to show Skip he had to put

this together blindfolded. Right, Skip?

Oh, yes. Right, right. And then after that, he's going to put it together with

both arms tied behind his back while his entire body is submerged in a tank of

water.

Well, if you need my help, I'll be happy to work with you.

Help?

Oh, Mom, who do you think you're dealing with?

Hey. Hey.

Hey. Hey.

Welcome to cave world.

Hey, Miss Keaton, this is a buddy of mine, Cleet.

And he's got a little problem he'd like to discuss with you. Oh, what is it,

Cleet? Well, Nick here told me about how you fixed his bike the other day. He

said you're a real grease monkey.

Oh, Nick, you always know just what to say.

Could you take a look at my car?

When the engine is really cutting out at high RPMs, it's beginning to get on my

nerves.

Well, I mean, maybe the plugs are fouled or the injection system might be too

rigid. Let's go take a look.

I can't believe this.

My mother is the underworld's mechanic of choice.

Hey, I like that.

What are you doing with that motor there?

He's been trying to put it together all day. It took my mom five minutes.

Here, you know, let me help you out.

I mean, you know, the first thing you got to do is get comfortable with your

motor. What do you want me to do, Nick? Take it out to dinner?

Wait, you know, I'll get you started here. All right, now, give me that.

Okay, and hand me those gears.

All right, give me that plate.

Go give me a cup of coffee.

All right, okay. All right, Nick, look, I am supposed to be doing this. Not you.

Come here.

Stop.

Hi, everyone.

Why does your dad sound like Lauren Bacall?

I'm sick.

No, I'm not, and I don't sound like Lauren Bacall.

I'm sorry. I meant you look like Lauren Bacall.

You wouldn't be having this trouble if you weren't undershifting, Cleek. You

know, you've got to wind it out in third gear.

You're more aggressive, and for God's sake, stop babying that engine.

Thanks, Mrs. Keaton.

Pleasure.

Are you going with anyone?

Over here.

Hey, yo, Nick, Mal, I got to take you for a ride in this car. You have got to

hear this engine hum. All right, let's go.

I hope I didn't spoil a fun evening for you, dear.

What are you doing out of bed?

I can take you back upstairs.

Please, I want to help put together the ceremony.

No, I...

Steven, you're too sick to be walking around.

I'm not sick. Why does everybody want me to be sick?

Because we love you, dear.

Alex, how are you going to put this together?

What I need is to see one of these in one piece.

My mother's in the kitchen. I'm going to take a glance.

Whoa.

This is where it all begins, Skip.

This is what starts the car.

I thought the key starts the car.

What do you think, Skippy, that the key wasn't connected to anything?

That there was nothing underneath the hood?

Yes.

Let's see.

That goes there.

That goes there. Still can't see how the connection's made.

You're going to have to disconnect it.

What if you can't put it back together?

Come on, Skip, you've been screwing one bolt.

A baby can put it back together.

You think your mom's going to notice?

I can't believe I took this whole thing apart.

This project is due tomorrow, Skippy. I gotta put this back together.

But you don't know how.

Alex, you're never gonna get this working again.

I gotta get it at least into one piece or she's gonna know I messed with it.

Alex, stop.

If you don't tell your mom about this, she's gonna go into that class tomorrow

thinking it works fine and she'll flunk.

She'll have to go back to automotive kindergarten.

She'll be a little embarrassed.

That's all.

I can't believe I'm hearing this. You want me to admit that she knows how to

build a starter motor and I don't?

Oh, I'm sorry. I don't know what I was thinking, Alex. Why don't you just slap

me?

Look, Skippy, I may be doing this for my own reasons, but she is too.

You know, in the brutal world of auto mechanics, it's every man for himself.

Especially if that man is your mother.

Some other four.

Enough to rewire her son's starter motor.

All right, who wants to go first?

How about you, Al, huh?

Let me hook your starter here right up to the battery.

Ah, look, Sam, what's the point, really? I mean, who am I kidding here? My

starter motor is not going to work. I don't know the first thing about putting

these things together.

I've got to admit, you surprised me, kid.

Let me hand it to you.

I had you figured for a locks.

But you're hung in there and you'll learn something.

Right. Sure.

Next.

I don't believe it.

It worked.

Well, I have a little confession to make.

Last night I went downstairs to get some milk and I sort of ran into your

starter motor and I sort of fixed it for you.

You fixed it?

What was all wrong?

Why did you do that for me?

to help you.

We're in the same class and the same family.

Mom, I feel terrible.

Well, why? You'd have done the same thing for me if you knew that my starter

motor was going to blow up. I know that, Mom, but blow up?

Yeah.

When you say blow up, do you mean that any starter motor that's hooked up that

way would blow up? That's right.

Like, say, for example, if your starter motor was hooked up that way, it would

blow up.

Right.

for two. We're really cooking here. Thank you.

How about our soft pupil next, Elise?

Is it ready?

It's all ready, Sam.

Ah, don't do it. Why not?

Well, because we all know she's an expert and really it's a waste of the

time, not to mention a waste of electricity that could be used to start

privileged people's start.

That's another sentiment, kid, but I got a class to run here. Ah, you don't

understand. Excuse me.

Do you know anything about this?

Jennifer, what are you doing down here? You're supposed to be upstairs playing

cards with Dad.

He said he wanted to take a rest.

And you fell for it? Jennifer, you know we can't leave him alone for a minute.

He's going to get out of bed and try to sneak downstairs.

Mom will kill us.

I just feel sorry for him. He says he hates being sick.

He thinks he's letting us down or something.

I know, but if he doesn't stay in bed, he's never going to get better. Let's go

check on him.

I thought he was coming home with you.

He went in a separate car.

Well, I'm tired.

I'm going to hit the old bedroom trail.

Nighty -night, sleep tight.

Night.

It's five o 'clock, Alex.

Jennifer, I need to talk to Alex alone, please.

Alex, what do you have to say for yourself?

I got an A on my starter motor.

Look, I'm sorry, Mom. I just wanted to sneak a peek at your starter motor to

how you put it together.

If you wanted my help, you should have asked for it. I'd be more than happy to

help you. I know.

I just, I couldn't bring myself to admit that I needed your help.

So instead, you took my help when I wasn't looking.

Sorry, I should have had the decency to admit that you're a better mechanic than

I am.

than that alex all right all right mom you you've beaten me down

off that women

can't do anything men can do

and should never be prejudged on the

basis of sexual stereotypes i said it it's more than that you mean i said

for nothing?

Alex, we got into an auto mechanics course to learn a few things, but you

it into some major competition.

I mean, what difference does it make who is better at auto repair?

You're right, Molly. What difference does it make?

Although I could have been better than you if I'd been given the... Sorry.

You are my son, and I love you very much, but sometimes you are so

stubborn.

Sometimes you're just so proud that you can't even admit that you're wrong.

We both know where you got that trait.

Yeah.

From you.

Not from me, from your father.

He's too stubborn to admit that he's even sick. He doesn't want to admit that

anything has got the better of him.

Just like you.

I guess we are.

I like it that way.

It's just so unnerving to realize that there's some things in your life that

can't control.

You put so much pressure on yourself. You know, sometimes I lie awake in the

middle of the night worrying about you.

You do?

I want you to have a happy, healthy life.

But you're going to be so busy trying to be better than everyone, you're not

going to let it happen!

I'll take it easy, Mom.

I promise.

You promised to ask for help if you need it.

I promise.

Listen, Mom, I wanted to tell you that I am proud of you for being the best

mechanic in our class.

Thank you.

And I want to ask your help with something.

Very good.

What is it?

The car broke down on the way home.

It's at the intersection of 6th and Franklin.

I'll get my tools.

Sit, Ubu, sit.

Good dog.