Original subtitles

I bet we've been together for a million years.

And I bet we'll be together for a million more.

Oh, it's like I started breathing on the night we kissed.

And I can't remember what I ever did before.

What would we do, baby, without us?

What would we do, baby, without her?

And there ain't no nothing. We can't love each other through.

What would we do, baby, without her?

Sha -la -la -la.

Okay, Andy, you ready?

Okay.

This is him.

This is the guy I've been telling you about.

Seventy -four years old, he still has his own teeth.

I mean, this is everything you'd want in a president.

Alex, put this away. You'll frighten him.

There you go again, Dad.

Republican.

Adam?

Adam who?

Adam Gillard, the boy you've been walking to school with every day for the

week.

Oh, him.

Yeah. I think Adam's a wonderful boy.

Yeah, well, he's really nice and smart and funny. And he likes baseball as much

as I do.

He's a boy I've been looking for my whole life.

Only shorter.

We're going to the sixth grade dance together.

That's terrific, honey.

Yeah, well, it was really romantic how it happened. We were playing softball,

and he was catcher for the other team, and I was on third.

I tried to score on a ground ball, but he was blocking the play.

I barreled into him, and I asked him to the dance as soon as he regained

consciousness.

That's how I met your dad.

Come on, Alex. Valerie, come on, just help me out here, will you? Mom, Dad,

Alex leave me alone.

What's the problem?

There's no problem. Look, I have to write a paper on IQ tests for my psych

class. Now, I have to submit two examples.

I mean, I got a smart example, and now I need another one for contrast.

I don't understand.

See, you'd be perfect.

Alex, IQ tests are not an accurate measure of a person's intelligence.

Elise, you and I took IQ tests in college, remember?

I vaguely recall I scored...

Seven and one -half points higher than you did.

As I said, they're not accurate.

Mom, I sincerely beg to differ.

Statistics show that this new Cosgrove -Roger IQ test is accurate to within

points. I myself scored 137, which is within a few points of genius level.

This being an example of the five -point variability.

Alex, I don't want to take your stupid test.

It's not a stupid test. test, Mallory. It's an intelligence test.

If it were a stupid test, you'd do well on it.

Look, there's no way I'm going to do this.

All right, I'll give you ten bucks.

Well, okay.

All right.

Give me the test after school, Mallory.

Where is he?

Waiting for Adam.

Adam who?

Ted, come on, we all know he's your boyfriend.

You got nothing to hide from us. We're family. We support one another.

No, it's not like we're going to make fun of you or anything.

Okay, I guess he's sort of my boyfriend.

Okay.

Jennifer's got a boy.

Alex,

stop tormenting your sister. Mom, I just started.

I got you this new red hat.

Oh, thanks. That was very nice of you.

You ready to go, Jennifer?

Yep, come on.

Just drop by any time, Adam. Have fun.

out of your system.

So,

who

do you think is the best first baseman?

Steve Garvey.

Well, who do you think is the best shortstop?

Jennifer Teton.

Are you?

I guess so.

Well, what's the matter?

He's not a very good dancer, that's all.

Neither am I.

What are we going to do?

Let's bring our baseball mitts just in case.

Okay, but we have to take them off before we dance.

Hey, Jake!

Have a great idea.

Finish eating your lunch outside.

We can eat outside.

Well, then let's just skip lunch.

Leave me alone, Red.

Knock it off, Red.

Who's this, Galardner, your mother?

Very funny.

Let's go, Jennifer.

Where are you going, Galardner?

Let me see it.

All right, yeah?

Yeah.

I'm warning you, Rick. Leave him alone.

You tell your girlfriend to get out of my way, Blardner.

Hold it right there.

Come on, Alex. That's the fifth time you've gotten over my test.

I couldn't have done that bad.

Mallory, look, I'm...

I've got to go over these figures one more time, okay?

Something must be wrong here. My calculator must be broken.

All right, okay, I'm going to go upstairs and go over these one more

no, listen, hey, Alex, I appreciate you trying to spare my feelings, but I want

to know my score.

Well, Mallory, you know, I really don't think you should torture yourself.

Mallory!

Mallory, don't jump day.

I mean, you can't possibly... I'm smarter than Alex.

What's the matter, Alex? Afraid of my being your intellectual superior?

Who wouldn't be, Mallory?

Mallory, give me that. Hey, what's going on?

Look, Bob, my IQ is two points higher than Alex's. No, it's not. Don't pay any

attention to that.

I gotta get to a phone.

No, not the phone!

No, no, no.

I just didn't add up the figures correctly.

Aha, poor math skills.

Mallory scored two points higher than Alex on an IQ test.

Whoa.

What do you make of this, Elise?

Well, I guess Mallory's brighter than the grade the school would indicate.

I always knew she had my brain.

What do you mean, your brain?

I meant our brain.

Our brain? Yes, our collective brain.

Of which you have custody.

Hi, Mom. Hi, Dad.

Hi, darling. Sweetheart.

Listen, I have something to tell you guys.

What is it?

I sort of got in trouble at school today.

I sort of punched a guy in the stomach.

And that's when you sort of got into trouble?

Sort of.

Are you all right?

Yeah, I'm fine.

The principal gave me this note to take home.

He was in a bad mood when he wrote that, so take it with a grain of salt.

Why did you hit this boy?

Because he was a big creep.

And because he was about to beat up Adam.

Well, you should have known better, Jen. You should have called a teacher.

There weren't any around.

Honest. It says here you'll have to stay a half an hour after school every day

this week.

Why don't you go up to your room? We'll talk about this later.

Okay, and I'm sorry.

But he was a big jerk.

He had it coming.

She understands the extreme gravity of this situation.

Oh, I'm sure she does, yeah.

I wish I'd been there to see it.

I hope she really decked that tree.

It was wrong. Oh, yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

Quite wrong.

Adam, come on in.

I can't stand Mr. Keaton.

May I speak with Jennifer?

Yeah, Jennifer, come on down.

Hi, Adam.

Hi.

Hi, Adam.

Listen, you don't have to thank me or anything. I mean, it's over.

Let's just put this thing behind us.

I just came by to tell you to get someone else to go to the dance with

Because I never want to see you again.

Yes, yes.

I am quite sure I administered your Cosgrove -Roger test correctly, sir.

Well, no, the purpose of my call, sir, is this.

My sister is a moron.

Yes, your test labels her as a genius. Now, I would like to speak to the head

your company.

Hello. Hello.

The intelligence business is full of idiots.

How you doing? Just one more to go.

There.

Okay. Now, if you do well on this, it'll prove the tenth has no credibility.

All right. Let's prove it.

According to this, Skip, you have no IQ.

Better than I did the last time.

Oh, maybe I'm making too much of this. I mean, the test is obviously incorrect,

right? I mean, Mallory must realize that.

Gee, she's probably forgotten about the whole thing by now.

Did you get that stuff, Mallory? Brains are us.

Oh, Alexander.

of remarks are simply wasted on someone of my smartitude.

Mallory, I need your advice. I have boy troubles.

Adam still won't converse with you?

Yeah.

Look, Jennifer, maybe if you acted more like the girl he expects you to be, he'd

get over it sooner.

Well, how do I do that?

Well, here.

You dropped your book.

Thank you.

Ah, Thomas.

See, Jennifer, that's all you have to do to get Adam's attention.

The male species is enamored by this kind of behavior.

It gives them an exaggerated sense of their own importosity.

Jennifer, Mallory is totally wrong.

Now, perhaps her methods of obvious manipulation would work on somebody of

Skippy's intelligence.

Thank you.

But they won't work on Adam. Now, guys like Adam and I... Adam and me.

Adam and me.

No, all about these silly games that women play, and we just humor them to

them happy.

Now, my advice to you is just don't play games and be yourself.

Jennifer, what you have here are a couple of conflicting opinions.

And I suggest you take the one which emanated from the more intelligent

individual.

Okay, all right, that's it. That is the last straw, Mallory. I challenge you to

an IQ test rematch tomorrow after school right here, 5 o 'clock.

I accept.

You know, I could beat you with one brain tied behind my back.

Yeah, you and what army?

I want you!

How could you do that to me, Jennifer?

Everyone in the school thinks I need a girl to do my fighting for me.

Look, Adam, I know how you feel.

But I wasn't trying to make you look bad.

I just wanted to help you.

I mean, just because I'm a fighter and you're not doesn't mean you should feel

embarrassed.

I admire you for being above violence.

I wish I was.

I see you got your bodyguard with you.

She's not so tough now that you're ready for her, right? You said it.

Did I say you could go anywhere, Gardner?

See, I don't like whips who have their girlfriends do their fighting for them.

I think you need somebody to teach you a lesson.

You're not going to hit me.

Oh? Why is that?

Because if you hit me, you'll get in trouble with the school and your

That'll make you real mad, and you'll probably beat me up again and get

suspended.

Maybe even Central Form School.

While you're there, you'll probably try to escape.

They'll catch you and put you away for life.

You could throw your whole life away with just one punch.

You could still hit me.

But I don't think you will.

back for you i'm holding her back for me my fight okay with me let's go

oh you're pretty tough aren't you rick beating up girls and kids that are

smaller than you kick any puppies on your way to school couple

go ahead beat me up

and if that doesn't satisfy you you can beat me up tomorrow and the next day and

the day after that you get out of your stupid system come on That's what you

want, isn't it?

I'll leave him alone, Rick.

Come on.

Yeah.

Yeah, he's not worth my time.

Let's go, boys.

A minute.

A minute.

Okay. All right.

Well, add up the score.

With pleasure.

Okay, Mallory, I assure you this will prove to you once and for all who is the

smartest. Smarter.

I knew that.

Me knew that.

I knew that.

Okay.

So?

A hundred and thirty -eight for me.

And... A hundred and...

You can't be positive.

My world is crumbling.

It's no big deal, Alex.

You can adjust.

A person of your intelligence can still lead a normal life.

He doesn't look good, Elise.

Lucky thing he's not smart enough to know it.

Mom, Dad.

I'm not... dumb, am I?

You're... You're a nice boy, Alice.

Cheer up, Jennifer.

What's there to cheer up about?

I mean, Adam's still not talking to me, which means we're not going to the sixth

grade dance together.

I'm sorry about that, honey, but even so, you should be happy for Adam. He

up to those bullies.

Well, I guess so.

Okay, I'm not going to worry about it anymore.

I'm putting Adam Gardner out of my mind once and for all.

It's Adam.

It's Adam.

Morning, Adam.

Mrs. Keaton and I were just going upstairs to... Install solar

panels on the roof.

The roof.

Right, right.

They didn't work very well in the basement.

I never got to thank you for sticking up for me the other day.

I mean, I know you only did it because you didn't want my face to get smashed

in.

You stuck up for me today, too.

I mean, weren't you scared?

Nah.

Yeah, a lot.

But I didn't want you to know I was scared.

Well, I couldn't tell.

Really?

Really.

Okay, I could tell.

But I don't care.

I... I like you, Adam.

Even if I'm not a tough guy?

That's why I like you.

Look, if we're gonna be friends, we've gotta get over this boy -girl thing.

We can't get hung up on this old -fashioned idea of what a boy is

and what a girl is supposed to do.

I agree.

Good.

Well, I guess I'll see you tomorrow.

Adam, as long as we're speaking to each other, maybe we can

celebrate by going somewhere together.

You mean like the dance?

The dance? What a nice idea.

That was so nice of you to ask.

You always know just what to say.

Sit, Ubu, sit.

Good dog.