Original subtitles

I can't believe we're going to miss our plane to London because of Mallory.

We're not going to miss the plane. We're ten minutes away from the airport.

The flight leaves in ten minutes.

Well, I hate waiting around airports.

It's not Mallory's fault, Alex. We're late.

We had to wait 45 minutes for you to comb your hair. Hey, Jennifer, do you

I want to make a good first impression on Europe.

Well, you might as well try them. It's too late for America.

Line 316, Rome, now boarding, gate 4.

All passengers, now be on board.

Great,

thank you.

All right. Will do. Bye -bye.

Now boarding, gate 9.

A little further.

There we go.

All right. You want to take the window? Go ahead.

Oh,

my God, wait. We can't go to London. The plane can't take off. Why? What's the

matter? I forgot to pack my blue dress.

Well, we can't go.

We can't go.

Mom, you tell the pilot I'll break it to the other passengers.

Yeah, excuse me, ma 'am. I have some bad news. No, Alex. Never mind. Sorry.

I think you're so hot, Alex, just because you got one little study

to Oxblood.

That's not Oxblood, Mallory. It's Oxford.

It's one of the most prestigious institutes of higher learning in the

world.

Hey, my new Steven.

Baby picture's out already. We haven't even taken off.

I'm sorry.

Couldn't we have taken him, Elise?

Honey, he had a cold.

Andrew can't travel with a cold.

It was either leave him at home with my mom or cancel the whole trip.

I know, I know.

Couldn't we have taken him, Elise?

Oh, honey, it was just a little cold.

And I know you're going to miss him, but...

It'd be foolish for us to spend the whole time worrying about him and pining

over him. Gee, isn't that a cute little bear, huh? Yeah, with the flair.

You're late.

I'm sorry.

I don't want to excuse you.

Do you have the film?

You've made this journey very dangerous for me now.

Oh.

Got my pillow?

Got my book. Got my honey.

I'm all set.

Okay. Just sit back and read.

I won't talk to you. You're on vacation.

I'll just talk to the person who sits next to me.

No. Well, why not?

Because, Elise, whenever we fly, you always talk to the person sitting next

you. And then we wind up spending the entire flight listening to some boring

telling us his whole boring life story.

Hi.

Hello.

What line of work are you in?

On behalf of British Caledonian Airways, we would like to welcome you on board

our non -stop flight to London Airport Gatwick.

We ask you please to give your attention to the cabin attendant, who will now

demonstrate the safety features of this aircraft.

The exits are now being pointed out by the cabin crew.

As we are flying over the Atlantic Ocean, we are required to demonstrate

of your life jacket, which is situated under your seat.

Oxygen masks will be presented from the overhead panel or the seat back in front

of you.

So then when Alex won his scholarship to Oxford, we just thought we'd make it a

whole big family vacation. Excuse me, but you can't possibly have a son old

enough to be attending Oxford.

Oh, I do.

I don't believe it.

Well, I do. It's true.

It can't be.

Well, it is.

That's remarkable.

I got married at a very early age.

I was 11 and a half.

Oh, allow me.

Oh, yes, the beige one. Thank you.

It's been a lovely journey.

I've enjoyed having you as a state mate.

The pleasure's been all mine, Mr. Markham. Thank you.

Good.

Honey, you know, with that charming Mr. Markham, it seems like, why don't we ask

him if he wants to join us for dinner?

Oh, uh,

Mr. Markham, my wife and I were wondering if you'd like to drop by our

this evening and join us for dinner.

Maybe some other time.

Well,

I guess dinner's out.

I can't wait till we get out and really see London.

Everyone said we'd feel jet -lagged for a few days, but I feel great. Don't you,

Stephen?

Steve... Stephen.

He's with me.

Come in.

Good morning. Hi.

Sir? Adam? Come on, let's go.

Lise, I love you dearly, but I resent the fact that you don't get jet -lagged.

Other than that, it's a perfect marriage.

It's time for breakfast.

How can we be having breakfast? It's only two in the morning.

It's two in the morning in America.

We're in England.

It's eight in the morning here.

I think the two countries get together on this one simple thing.

What are you having for breakfast now?

I don't know. What are kippers?

Tured herring.

What have they been cured of?

Nothing. Then I don't want them.

Do they have toast in England?

Yeah, I think a boatload just came in this morning.

Alex, you don't have to be so sarcastic, okay? We are in a foreign country. We

do not know for sure if they have toast here. Mallory, the United States was

started by people from England. They had toast before we did.

Oh, yeah? Who invented it?

Alfred Toast.

Okay.

It doesn't seem as though they suspect anything.

We should have no trouble retrieving the brush from them.

They seem like nice people.

Whether they are nice people or not is irrelevant.

They have what we want, and that makes them the enemy.

Enemy?

Wrong words, Frederick.

I'm not saying we should go to the theater with them, but really, they're

our enemies.

Why did you become a spy, Luther?

My parents pressured me into it.

I wanted to be an orthodontist.

Oh, kiddo, I got the whole day planned out. Now, I have to be at Oxford at 2 o

'clock, but we don't see all of London's major tourist attractions between now

and then.

if we follow my carefully constructed plan.

This ought to be good for a laugh.

Okay, now, right now, we are here.

No, we're not, Alex. We're here.

She's right, honey. We're over there.

Yeah, Alex.

Well, that kind of throws a wrench into the works.

Looks like they're getting ready to leave.

We should make our move.

Right.

What is our move?

To get the pressure.

Stay here.

Excuse me, madam.

Would you happen to have a hairbrush I could borrow?

A hairbrush?

This must be an old English custom, Elise.

We don't want to offend him.

Hand him your brush.

Of course.

Sure, I have one.

I packed an extra one. Oh, yes, an extra one.

It's my favorite kind.

Yeah, well, this one must be yours, Mallory. I've never seen it before.

I'm sorry, I can't find it.

I have a comb.

No, no, it must be a brush.

An extra brush.

I understand.

I'm sorry.

Thank you anyway.

Cheerio.

She claims she couldn't find it.

I say we stay with him.

You know, I like your hair that way.

Reverse, first, second, third. Well, that seems simple enough.

Everything's backward, but that should be easy to get used to.

Okay, just be careful.

Elise!

Please, driving a car is driving a car. I think I know what I'm doing.

Westminster Abbey has been much enlarged and altered over the centuries.

Alice, can you get rid of the whole history of England? Somebody has to.

make him stop.

Oh, kids.

Hey, look.

My God, how much can the people see in one day?

My feet are killing me. Stop complaining. I'm having a nice time.

You know, you and Ivy should do more type things.

You see, Elise, I knew we'd eventually get the hang of driving in England.

Of course you can do it, Dad.

This is the sign she usually drives on.

Alex! Why

are

you driving so fast?

Why are you driving so fast?

During the 12th century, Oxford became a meeting place for scholars.

Some theories claim that it was founded by English who have been expelled from

the University of Paris in 1167 While others hold that it is an Alex.

Yeah, we're here

Find a place to park, and we'll meet you at your room.

Okay, Mal and I will go with Alex. No, no, no, no.

Why not?

Because, Mal, look, my roommate is nobility. He's a direct descendant of an

aristocratic family. I mean, if I make a bad impression on this guy, he could

have me beheaded.

Well, make sure you get invited to it.

Well, you girls stay with us then.

Listen, Mom, I'm about to meet William.

Clive Hopkins. Lord, you're... How do I act in front of a guy like that?

Do this for yourself.

My lord.

My lord, I beseech you, welcome me, your humble roommate.

Don't you knock.

Ah, yes.

Forgive me.

Your Lordship.

Lord, it's nice to meet you.

I mean, it's nice to meet you, Lord.

I mean, my Lord, it's nice to meet you, my Lord.

William is my name. Lord is my title.

Alex is my name. Keaton is my name also.

I'm Alex Keaton.

Guy from America.

So, we're going to be roomies for the next couple of weeks, huh? I

suppose the answer to that is, unfortunately, yes.

My bed?

Yes, that's your bed, that's your wardrobe, and that's your desk.

And I guess we share the window.

No, the window's mine.

Now, how do you do, Mrs. Keaton? William Clive Hopkins.

I'm Stephen Keaton, and this is our daughter, Jennifer.

How do you do? Nice to meet you.

Well, listen, William, we were just going to take Alex out for a sort of

farewell dinner. Want to join us?

Oh, well, that's very kind of you, but I... Sorry, Dad, I felt kind of...

behind.

I... I'd love to.

eating something called blood pudding.

Oh, come on, Jane. We're in Oxford now. Get into the culture.

Just think of the centuries of man's thought, knowledge, man's yearning that

resides in the city. It's all inspiring. Yeah.

Someday I'm going to own this town. That's the spirit.

I'll ask you for the last time.

What is your real name?

Clifford Markham.

We know for a fact that your name is neither Clifford nor Cliff.

You're a communist spy with some ghastly, unpronounceable Eastern

moniker. Isn't that the truth?

I know nothing.

Nothing?

Rarely. Perhaps a few facts will refresh your memory.

The Battle of Hastings was fought in 1066.

An atom of hydrogen...

Has one proton and one electron.

Seventy percent of all women enjoy it.

It's all right. I know what I'm doing. I'm just trying to keep him off balance.

Nicely done, sir.

You were recently in the United States.

What were you doing?

I was at the wedding.

Not true.

We know for a fact.

that you are taking photographs of sensitive military installations with

ingenious spy camera.

Oh, thank you.

So, are you planning to follow your father's footsteps and go into the

television business, Mallory?

Um, probably not.

Maybe fashion design.

Fashion design? Well, I'm sure you'll be splendid at whatever you do.

Thank you. You're welcome.

Um, you're welcome, too. Thank you.

You're welcome.

Are you going to go into the Lord business?

Oh,

that sounded really silly. Oh, no, no, I'm the one who should be sorry. I

mean to laugh. Forgive me.

To answer your question, yes, I am going into the Lord business.

It's a great industry.

You see, I really don't have much choice. My father expects me to follow

footsteps precisely.

Oxford, the Foreign Office, House of Lords.

Yeah, I know what you mean.

I had to go to Camp Tioga, because that's where my mom and dad went. We

that you had the microfilm when you bought the plane. You didn't have it

you got off the plane.

We searched the plane, and it's not there.

Well, I'm stumped.

We located the plane. We keep it out. Very good.

Very good.

You're now being into a spy heavily, aren't you?

You realize that you're not dealing with fools.

May I, uh, please?

Very much.

Because we know hardings don't burn once. And then you just go, go harding!

Well, that is, that's remarkable. I've never seen anybody do anything like that

before. Really?

Really. Really?

No, never.

And I've never seen anyone quite as beautiful as you, if I may say so.

You may.

In fact, you may say it again if you want.

I'll get the laundry taken care of.

Nice people.

I hate to do this.

Now, you have our number if you need anything. Call any time, day or night.

please. Actually, Alex, just call during the day.

It's getting awfully cold.

You sure you've got my blanket?

All right, can you stop for a minute? Come on, darling, leave Alex alone.

embarrassing him in front of his peers.

Well, actually, in this case, his lords.

I'm just going to miss you so much. I'm going to miss you too, Lord.

You too, Lord?

Oh, thank you, Mrs. Casey. Mom, please, look, thanks for the ride up, and I'm

going to be fine, okay? So don't worry about a thing. I'll try to control my

anxiety.

Okay, now don't forget what I taught you. I won't.

Because we know Harding, you're number one. Go, Harding!

Congratulations, pal.

You just said arts were back 500 years.

Go, go, go.

Uh -huh.

Uh -huh.

Uh -huh. You stop sneezing, ma?

Oh, that's great.

Andrew stopped sneezing. No problems whatsoever.

Ah, terrific.

He's a fabulous kid, isn't he, Ma?

No, I think you can answer that objectively.

Listen, what time is it back there?

Four in the morning?

Gee, I hope I didn't wake you.

All right. All right. I love to you, too.

Bye.

Everything's good.

Andy's fine.

Your mom sounds a little cranky, though.

I wonder why.

Mom, I can't find my brush.

Oh, I think I have it. Yeah, here it is. That's not my brush. It's not mine.

It's not mine either.

I could hardly lift it.

Dad? I left my brush back home. I'm having some bristles replaced.

Well, maybe it's Alex's.

It's just about big enough for his head.

Oh, well, maybe we should just go down to Oxford down below.

At least it's only been a day. He's barely had a chance to get his hair

up. I know, but I miss him.

He's never really been away from home before. Yeah, we've noticed.

Lisa, I know how you feel, but Alex is only 60 miles away. We can call him

day. He'll be fine.

Okay, you're right. I'm sorry.

It's just my maternal instinct.

He probably has a whole new group of friends already.

There was only the other side to go through the books.

Ah, lads, I didn't believe you've met my new roommate, Alex Keaton.

Alex, I'd like you to meet Michael Avery, Viscount Withers, Jonathan

the Lord of Nevitt. Hi, how are you? I'm the Alex of Keaton.

I mean, I'm Alex the Keaton.

I mean, how you doing, fellas?

Ah, yes, hello, sir.

How you doing?

Keaton is a little nervous.

Oh, no, no, no. No, this is nothing.

I'm always like this at the start of school. My first day of college, I was

nervous, I forgot to bring my crayons.

My crayons.

There's really nothing to be nervous about, Keaton.

You're not the first outsider to come to this institution and have absolutely no

hope of understanding our rules or traditions.

Cheeson, I believe you will really enjoy this class.

I'm sure I will. History is one of my strong subjects. Really? That's

Professor Hardy is one of the great scholars at Oxford. But there are a few

things you should know about him.

Like what?

Well, he's quite deaf, so when you speak, make certain it's loud.

won't hear a word.

And if you want to stay on the old man's good side, sit right at the front of

the class.

Most important, ask as many questions as possible.

Hardy admires inquisitive minds.

Thanks very much. I will. Take nothing of it.

Today we're discussing the rebellion of the American colonies.

Don't you mean the American Revolution, sir?

Who are you?

I'm Alex Keaton. What are you doing here?

From America?

Why are you screaming at me?

Well... Are

you

Mallory Keaton?

Yeah. Well, I hope you're not allergic to flowers.

Thanks.

Wow.

It might be from the person who signed the card. It's from William.

Night falls on dusk's hopeful moments.

Open and smiling like a flower.

Warmth be my companion.

A tear like morning dew.

Adieu.

I'll do the bathroom strolling up if you need me.

That's beautiful, Mallory.

What does it mean?

You have no idea.

This brush is empty.

That was my brush!

Sorry, Frederick.

You idiot!

That's the brush I put on the American girl.

This brush is empty, too.

What do we do now?

So soon?

Leave it alone.

I can't bear it. It itches.

We need the disguise.

My idea was better.

To dress as bunnies.

Warm check.

Towel check.

Take it easy, please.

People are living here.

We're trying to find the brush.

We're at one second to whom we can do it neatly.

How did you learn to ransack?

In a barn?

Hi.

Dear family, Oxford is great fun and certainly everything I dreamed it would

Going out to play rugby for the first time today.

See, it's a lot like football.

Only there's a...

Greater chance of personal injury.

Well, are you ready, Keaton?

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, I sure am. I was just wondering where the rest of my equipment was.

What equipment?

Well, my equipment. You know, my shoulder pads, knee pads, elbow pads.

Protection. Protection?

Don't be silly. We're just going out to play a light spot of rugby. What could

you possibly need protection from?

John, I'm going to crack you something right here.

Just discuss my options here, okay?

Now, when I get the ball... My

goodness,

there are so many different things to see in London.

There is. You know, I'd love to do a documentary of London.

Why don't you do a documentary about a girl, an American girl, who comes here

vacation... She never gets to shop in any of the famous stores she's always

dreamed of. She winds up coming home with just a few sweaters bought off the

rack. Because it would be too sad.

Come on, Dad, we're not using our time here. All we've been doing is visiting

you.

could be a learning experience for us.

Be back at the hotel by 5 .30.

Are you sure you're comfortable with this? All right. Look, I'll tell you

girls. If we... We were having fun.

I was having fun.

You stick with the kids. I'll follow the parents.

Go.

Well, do we have to?

I like it when we work as a team.

Okay, I'm going.

Maybe we could meet for coffee later, huh?

No, it's just... I have a strange feeling that we're being followed.

Oh, honey, you're just tense.

You haven't gotten over that jet lag yet.

Maybe so.

Think the girls are doing okay?

Oh, I'm sure they're doing fine.

I guess it was a good idea that we separated.

Let them see London their own way.

Yeah.

I don't know why people think that English food is not good.

This pizza is great.

I guess they just don't know how to order.

You know, Mallory, I've been thinking.

If you marry Lord William, do I become a princess?

Well, I think you're rushing things a little bit.

Well, Mallory, he really likes you. I could see it in his royal blue eyes.

I like him, too. He's cute.

Why don't you get married?

Because I'm in high school, for one thing. What happens to Alex if you marry

royalty?

Well, there's a twit now.

I suppose he'll become a royal twit.

Everything is going great.

The rugby game was so much fun, I thought it would never end.

Right now I'm eating dinner, and I've got plenty of elbow room.

I just hope nobody yells out, food fight.

Hello.

Hello.

None of these seats are taken. Have you finished with the thought?

Salt. Yeah, the salt.

No, no, no.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

A good friend of mine... Just stop by to borrow some salt. We're very close.

Well, got to go. The guys insist on buying me a beer, or as you say here at

Brandstone College, a pint.

Cheerio. Your son, Alex P. Keaton. Esquire!

Well, I guess I was worried about nothing. Alex is having a good time.

having a good time. What could be better?

Hey, my count.

Hey, Duke.

How you doing? Say, Keaton, it's almost two o 'clock. You're going to be late

for Hardee's class. Hey, don't worry.

I'll be there.

Once again, the colonial stormed the fortress of Saratoga and his men...

Go ahead, come on, laugh.

Laugh, this is funny.

You guys think you're a riot.

I'll tell you what you are, you're a bunch of jerks.

You know, I came to Oxford because I thought I was going to be someplace

special.

A place to learn.

A place to grow.

I thought I was going to be part of a great intellectual community.

Tradition.

Well, if this is the great tradition, then I don't want to be a part of it.

Because I have pride in myself.

I am a good person.

You people would not know a good person if he came up and bit you in the nose.

Which I am going to do.

I challenge all of you to a duel.

Not you, sir.

Athos?

Athos?

Sorry.

Keith!

How's it going?

Well, let's see.

In the past week, I have almost been run over, been attacked by a dog, thrown

out of a pub.

I came within an inch of my life playing rugby, and I think I just hospitalized

a duck.

It's about average.

You know, it's not as difficult as it all seems.

What are you referring to?

Rugby?

Classes?

Duck? All of it, fitting in.

It's really not that difficult.

It's easy for you to say.

It's here or Lord.

I mean, people have to accept you or they get in trouble with the queen.

I must say, you're standing up very well under the strain.

Your rugby performance the other day was especially unique.

You think so?

Absolutely. I've never seen a team attack one of its own players before.

Yeah.

Yeah, I had a feeling that was kind of special.

The important thing is you stuck in there.

I admire that.

And I admire what you said before in Hardy's class, wearing only the towel.

Yeah, well, I had a lot more to say.

It's just getting kind of cold.

I think what I'm trying to say is, Keaton, I admire you.

You stand up for yourself, but you've got a lot of nerve.

You're all right.

Thanks. I'd like to help if I can.

Try and help you to fit in.

What are you going to do?

Have them united?

We've got our big race coming up, and we're short of a manned crew.

Well, it's summer session. It's the devil of a job finding someone to fill

Why don't you give it a go?

Yeah, I don't know that much about crewing.

Then we'd better start work immediately.

today, Keaton, with hours of practice, years of hard work, you might just

mediocre one day.

Lord knows I'm trying, Lord.

You know, I actually think I may be able to walk again in about a month.

Really, though, you were very good out there.

You're a natural athlete.

I'm a regular Willie Mays.

Who? Willie Mays.

He was one of the greatest baseball players of all time.

At one point, every father in America wanted his son to grow up and be Willie

Mays. Did you?

Yeah, I think so. Until my third year in Little League, the coach tried to trade

me to another team in Japan.

And he realized it wasn't going to happen.

Was your father very disappointed?

No, no. See, my dad's not like that.

He just enjoyed watching me play.

I mean, I still have the glove you gave me with Willie Mays' signature on the

inside.

You're very close to your father, aren't you?

I envy you that.

Yes.

That, uh... That was from the, um... Father... Father's son.

A picnic.

Sophomore year in high school.

Dad was the executive vice chairman of the father's committee.

Ah!

Which... It really means he got stuck making hamburgers and hot dogs for 200

kids. 200 kids? Didn't he mind?

No.

No, you see, you gotta know my dad. He loves that stuff.

He makes a game out of it. He used to say he had a secret recipe.

And then he'd bring the food out, surrounded by all the other fathers

armed guards.

Can't imagine my dad doing anything like that.

Chef's hat, father and son picnic.

Or even laughing with me the way your father's laughing with you here.

I just saved his life, too.

This is a beautiful spot, isn't it?

Very beautiful, yes.

I can't believe we're sitting here having tea. You know,

just 500 years ago, they were chopping off heads a few yards away at the Tower

of London.

Afterwards, they probably came down here to unwind.

They're good eaters.

I'm getting hungry watching them. Shut up.

Keep your eyes peeled with that brush.

So far, this vacation has been everything we could have hoped for.

Elise, I don't mean to put a damper on your spirit or anything, but do you ever

get a strange sort of feeling about this trip?

I don't follow. You mean about Alex? No, not about him. It sounds like he's

doing fine.

It's just that there have been a couple of odd, unexplainable events that have

been on my mind.

Like what?

Well, like the man you were talking to on the plane.

One that attracted half the police in England when we landed. Well, we talked

about that. Now, I admit that that was unusual, but we don't know for sure what

was going on there. What could it have been? He had an overdue library book?

I think we can assume the man was involved in some sort of serious

But why should we assume it had anything to do with us? This feeling I've had

that we're being followed.

Oh, honey, nothing strange is going on. You're just a little fatigued, a little

tired. Jet lag, call it.

So you think I've been imagining these things?

Nothing strange going on?

No. Sure?

I'm sure.

Okay.

Waiter?

a certain effect somehow, some way, for some reason completely unknown to us,

we've become involved in some bizarre intrigue.

Some weird mystery surrounds us.

I don't like this.

I've never been in a weird mystery before.

And I have.

So? There's some craziness going on here, Lise.

No one is to be trusted.

No one is to be believed.

We must check and double -check everything and everyone comes into our

At least I'd like to see some identification, please.

You know, I think the other guys are starting to warm up to me. Really?

Yeah, yesterday, Jonathan was walking by me and he said, Keaton, get out of the

way, move.

Well, it wasn't so much what he said, it was the way he said it, you know?

Something to build on.

They're actually very nice when you get to know them.

They are, how do you Americans say it, groovy guys. No, we Americans don't say

groovy, William.

Only people from California say groovy. And I think they stopped saying it about

ten years ago.

Now only my parents say it. I've never been to California. I'd like to see it.

Well, California's a very strange place.

You know, I think it's because the sun is shining all the time. But people are

too mellow. They're too laid back.

It's for people like my sister.

for whom getting a good tan is a religious experience.

You don't like your sister, do you?

No, I like my sister. I love my sister.

She's a very sweet person. She's got a good heart.

We just have different goals, you know. I want to be a captain of industry, and

she wants to be captain of the pep squad.

I like her, too.

A lot.

I noticed.

Has she said anything to you about me?

No, but she likes you.

She does?

Sure. Well, what makes you think that?

The other day, she came up to me and asked me if America was ever going to be

British colony again.

What a strange question.

You must have been surprised.

Yeah. I didn't know she knew it had been.

May I help you, sir? Yes. Do you have any... Oh, I'm sorry. You were here

Oh, no, really. No, no, please, please. Go ahead, I insist.

Have you got any messages for me?

What's your name, sir?

I'm Flynn Davis.

Mr. Flynn Davis.

I'm sorry, sir. We don't seem to have you registered as a guest here.

Are you ready?

Very well. Thank you.

What's this?

Don't turn around.

I wish you hadn't said that. It makes me want to turn around.

I think we're being followed by that man who was just here at the desk.

Can I look down?

Okay, you can look down.

Slowly?

Don't be obvious.

Just a man over by the fern reading a brochure upside down.

Well? I'm dizzy.

You see him?

Yes. You ever seen him before? No.

Okay, never mind.

Okay, let's try something. Let's just casually stroll over to the door, see if

he follows.

Sounds like a good idea.

Okay, ready?

Your mark.

Get set.

Okay, it's official.

We're being followed.

Okay, now what are we going to do?

Make a break for the elevator.

Well,

it worked.

Lead right up here. All the steps in place.

That's ridiculous.

Microfilm?

Spies? I don't believe a word of this.

You've got to believe me, Mrs. Keaton.

Somehow, in some way, Clifford Markham has managed to place that microfilm in

your position. How can you be so sure that it's Elise?

It has got to be her, Mr. Keaton. I checked all the other passengers.

Also, one of my men, Plant, on the plane, reported that Markham was engaged

an animated conversation with an attractive blonde woman about 25 years

Well, that couldn't be... Uh, that sounds like you, dear.

More towels?

Courtesy of the management, sir.

Well, put them in the bathroom, I guess. If you can find room...

I don't mean to be rude, and this is awfully nice, but even if we were to

continuously for the next ten days, I don't see how we can use all these

Take some of them home with you, sir.

I can't believe this is happening to us.

I'm afraid it is, Mrs. Keaton.

Somewhere in this room, somewhere in your position, is the microfilm.

I can sense it.

Would you like me to take that out and have it cleaned for you, sir?

I beg your pardon?

There's a brush.

Shall I have it cleaned for you?

It's a free service of the hotel.

That's my son Alex's brush.

He's up at Oxford.

Oxford?

You're in luck.

That's on the brush delivery route.

What?

Look, guys, I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to put my foot down here. No more

towels.

Well, if you don't like California, Alex, where do you think you'll end up

living? Ah, a little city in America called New York. Ah, New York. Yes, I've

heard of it.

Actually, it was named after my uncle.

See, New York, that's my kind of town. You know, power, action, finance.

They say walking along Wall Street on a warm spring day, if the wind is blowing

just right, you can actually smell the fragrance of money in the air. Money is

very important to you, isn't it? Oh, yeah.

Yeah, I put money on the same level of importance as oxygen and a well

diet.

It's one of the few things in life that's not good in moderation.

Well, what about art and literature, dance and theater? Yeah, I enjoy a good

dance as much as the next guy, but it's a matter of priorities, William.

See, you already got your title and your money, so you can relax. You can go to

the museum. You can buy art.

I'm going to buy culture, too, after I made my fortune.

I'm sorry to be the one to have to break this to you, Alex, but I don't think

your future lies in finance.

What do you mean?

You have the face of a poet. Shh, don't say that.

Poets make very little money. You're going to turn out to be a poet. I have a

very strong feeling about it.

Are you a psychic or something?

No.

I was wondering if you and your family would care to join me this weekend at

Randall Hall, our place in the country.

Wow, that sounds bloody lovely.

Spashing. Is that a yes?

You bet.

Your folks can watch you in the big race, and I can watch mine.

Wait a minute. You sure there's going to be room for us?

Yes, we can probably speak.

Welcome to Randall Hall.

I'm so glad you could come.

You grace our simple lodging with your beauty.

Thank you.

I don't think he means you, Dad.

Oh.

How do you do? How do you do, sir?

I didn't mean to startle you.

Honey,

you're going to have to try and relax.

You know, ever since you found out that we might be carrying some sensitive spy

photographs, you've been so tense.

Call me old -fashioned, but that's the kind of news that happens to tense me up

a little.

Oh, Stephen. Elise, this is not the vacation we signed up for.

Six days, five nights, London, countryside.

Case of foreign intrigue?

Honey, we're here for the whole weekend.

Just to try and relax.

You know that nasty spice in your pretty little head?

I had a wonderful time.

Just the two of us.

Surprise!

What are you doing here?

Why are you dressed like that?

What do you mean, what am I doing here? I needed some extra money.

No, I'm protecting you.

What do you think I was doing here?

You really think there's any danger here?

We can't take any chances.

Criminals don't take the weekend off, Mr. Keaton.

Well, I suppose they might do sometimes if they had tickets for the opera or the

ballet, but as a general rule, crime has no Sabbath.

I was just hoping we could enjoy ourselves this weekend.

This is just a precaution. My men and I are here in disguise, ready to act if

they should strike again. If they do, we are ready.

If they don't... Oh, we've had a weekend in the country, haven't we?

You're doing very well.

Good. Oh, thanks.

Thank you.

You know, I could get used to this life.

Yeah, it's not hard, is it?

I've completely forgotten about our other life. I mean, who are we anyway?

I can't believe we're here. It's like being in a fairy tale.

Hey, Mellie, you could be Cinderella.

What if William asked you to try on a glass slipper?

Ladies, ladies, please, a little decorum.

You're not in America now.

Sorry, Alex.

Sorry, Alex.

It's a wicked stepmother.

Give me strength, Lord.

Don't give up. You're doing very well.

Oh, I am? Yes, you have a natural instinct for the game.

The court's in that direction.

Oh.

Mallory, you're a complete revelation to me.

Oh, sorry, I don't mean to be.

No, it's wonderful.

You see, everything in my life has been so planned out. My schooling, my career,

even my friends.

And then you came along.

You're the first real surprise I've ever had.

I love surprises.

For the first time in my life, being with you, I don't feel like Lord

feel like William Clive Hopkins.

Billy Clive Hopkins.

Billy's a good name.

I've never been kissed by a prince before.

Frightened I'll turn into a frog.

Rub it.

Every male member of the Curitan family has gone to Oxford since 1235.

Yeah. I go to Harding High. It's eight years old.

Alex went there, and Jen will go there, too.

Tradition. Yeah.

Wow. What are all these?

The names of Oxford men who died in battle.

They were so young.

Oh, don't be sad, please. I didn't bring you here to make you sad.

This chapel has always been a very special place for me.

Ever since I was a little boy.

Whenever I had a problem or I was depressed, I'd come here.

Sometimes for hours.

Yeah. When I'm depressed, I go shopping.

I'd just sit here and I could feel the history of England in the room.

It would somehow make me feel a part of... Well, a part of something bigger.

Made my problems seem very small and manageable.

It's nice to have a special place to go. Do you?

Um, my room, I guess.

I go there when I want to be alone, or get away from Alex, or just think.

But it doesn't look anything like this.

But it's me.

Well, that's why I wanted you to see this.

Because in a way, it's me.

And I wanted you to like it.

To like me.

I think I'm falling in love with you, Mallory.

How can that be?

I mean, you're Lord Curitan, and I'm Mallory Keene of Columbus, Ohio.

Maybe that's why.

Earl, here's that.

I'd like to mention one word to you, sir, if I may.

And what is that?

Condominium.

I beg your pardon?

You could bulldoze this place down and put up condominiums. Make a killing.

Tear down Randall Hall.

It's been in our family for 400 years.

Well, it's time to move on then, isn't it, sir?

No, we're talking 600 first -class units.

Hot tubs, no kids, no pets.

Hey, Mal.

Oh, hi.

Hi.

What can I do for you?

I wanted to take a picture.

You got it.

Where do you want me to stand?

In the hall.

Oh, Mal.

Well, see, I didn't want to get one of you. I wanted to get one of the room.

Yeah, well, you see, you do it my way, you get me and the room. It just

the picture, that's all.

Well, I'll just come back later.

No, no, no, no.

Go ahead.

Take your picture. I'll get out of the way.

All right, Alex, you win. You can be in the picture.

Kind of a nothing shot without me, huh?

Okay, what kind of speed film are you using there? What filter you got on

Alex, I think you can be in the picture. You just can't boss me around and tell

me how to shoot it. All right, okay, you got it. You just tell me where to

stand. I am a pawn in your photograph.

Well, the table's fine.

No, the table's terrible, man. Alex, Alex.

Here we go.

Um, can you be a little bit more natural?

What, more natural than this?

Oh, you look like a stuffed walrus.

Well, I'm trying to... Gotcha.

Thanks.

You know what?

What?

I miss you.

Oh, Beth. I do. I mean, I'm as surprised as you are.

You're my sister. You're in a foreign country. I'm worried about you.

Did you think of that?

No.

How's your vacation going?

It's been great.

Yeah? How are things between you and William?

Alex. Come on. I don't mean to pry, but you're my sister. He's my roommate.

Legally, I'm entitled to know if you two are getting serious.

William and I are fine.

All right.

Well... You just let me know if you need me for anything.

Okay.

Well, how's Oxford?

I mean, is it everything you hoped?

Uh, yeah.

Yeah.

Oxford... Oxford is great.

And it couldn't be better.

I feel like I was born there, like I got tea running through my veins.

Well, good. I'm glad you're so comfortable there.

Did William say I wasn't comfortable?

No, he didn't say anything. He didn't say anything about me at all, about me,

you know, not fitting in, having problems.

No. You sure?

Alex may find it hard to believe, but we do find other things to talk about

besides you.

Right.

Because the fact is, it's been kind of tough for me fitting in.

I'm sorry.

I mean, except for William.

The other guys pretty much ignore me.

Well, hang in there.

Things will work out.

You know, for a while there, I actually thought it was me.

You know?

I mean, I don't know if you notice this, but... Sometimes I can get a little

pushy.

I haven't noticed.

You look up to me, so you're blind to my flaws.

Oh, yeah, I guess that's it.

You're different that way anyway.

I mean, you get along with people. You're yourself.

People like you right away.

Well, people like you too, Alex.

Not right away.

Well, no, not right away, but they learn to like you.

After a little while.

Well, not always after a little while.

After a long while.

Well, I...

How long until people like you now?

Until I live with you for 18 years.

Thanks.

Don't forget, lads. You'll be rowing for the glory of Minerva Hall today, a

tradition of excellence and spirit of competition that goes back for seven

centuries.

Pretty impressive, huh, Ma? Don't forget to dress warm.

Mom, I'm going to be wearing a uniform.

T -shirt.

Shorts. Carry a jacket.

Don't worry.

Well, we'd better be off. The race doesn't actually start for another two

No, we're going to have another cup of tea, pack, and meet you there.

Good luck, Alex. Well,

what about it, Father? What about a hug?

No, certainly not. We have servants. Thank you,

Cummings.

Okay, okay.

I've searched through everything and haven't come up with a blasted brush.

You should stop drinking so much coffee, Frederick. It makes you edgy.

You clown.

You think this is all a silly game, don't you?

What I mean is edgy.

Obviously.

They have no idea where the microfilm is being hidden.

We must keep them at the table until they realize the film is in their brush.

And then follow them as they lead us to it.

Yeah, yeah.

Oh, no, no, no more, please. We're stuffed.

But you must.

Your hostry be offended.

Now, these are nice, the watercress sandwiches with no crust.

What do you do with all those crusts?

We serve a high tea for pigeons, ma 'am.

Well, let's go over it once again, shall we?

Recount, if you will, the serious events that happened after you arrived here.

Anything that happened that you think is out of the ordinary.

Well, nothing specific.

Just a curious sensation that we're constantly being watched.

Yes, but what else?

Any strange event that you haven't told me about?

Well, now, you know, there was that strange man that first morning at the

You know, he came up to me and he wanted to borrow something.

Yes, that's right. Now, what was it he wanted to borrow, Elise?

It was a... Brush!

Excuse me.

Brush!

Wait a minute.

I think it was a hairbrush that he wanted to borrow.

Right, right.

I'm over there. Put the cup. I'm over there.

You know, that's right. It was so odd. He wanted to borrow my hairbrush.

I see.

And then we found that strange -looking brush.

And then Mallory couldn't find her brush.

And the guy in the motor scooter tried to grab my brush.

If only we could detect some common theme, a thread to tie it all together.

The brush!

Sorry, I don't follow.

Microfilm must be hidden in the brush.

Gosh, what will they think of next?

Markham must have slipped it into my bag before he was arrested. Well, then

here's the ten -pound question.

Where is the brush?

Why is it so quiet in here?

Is this a hospital zone?

Jennifer, where is that brush with a strange -looking handle?

I gave it to Alex.

I thought it was his. I stuck it in his bag.

He took it with him to Oxford for the race.

It must be quitting time.

I don't know what you're talking about. I mean, I don't know that brush. Alex,

please, the one with the carved handle. Find it now. All right.

I got it. I got it.

I got it.

I got it. You got it. Good.

This is an incredibly ugly brush, by the way. See if the handle slides.

Hey, slide. I'm sliding.

Yeah, there's something in here, Dad.

It's tiny.

It's film.

It's tiny film.

It's microfilm.

Now, Alex, listen carefully.

Some guys dressed as footmen are on their way right now to get the brush.

Dad, you've been up to Brandy. Alex, listen.

These men must not get it.

You hear me?

Now take the brush, go to the...

We'll meet you there. Dad, I'm going to have to come up with another plan.

Our friends the bookmen are here.

Hello! Ah, don't shoot!

Ah, don't... Don't shoot is an American expression.

It's very similar in meaning to, hello, how are you?

Hey, Mel, don't shoot.

Alex, we've only got 15 minutes to get down there. Father, I'm so sorry, you

can't stay for the rest. Well, I wish I could, but I've got to get back to a

session at the House of Lords. Good luck.

Oh, get off, William.

This is all your influence, young man.

Good luck.

I say, isn't that a beauty?

I've never seen one quite like it.

Consider it a gift. What?

The brush. Take it. No, no, no. I insist.

Take it as a token of Anglo -American friendship.

Take it to London. Take it to the House of Lords. Just take it.

Go.

Beep the pipe!

Beep the pipe!

Bye!

Bye!

Sonny! Sonny, maybe he hasn't heard me to you.

Come on, hold up. I can't sleep, man.

I can't sleep.

I can't sleep. I can't sleep. I can't sleep.

American citizens.

Now, I demand you stop this car right now and let us out.

No.

Okay, I got a date with a member of the royal family tonight, and you are not

allowing that to take place.

I'm sure that's some sort of crime in this country, isn't it?

Well, got them on the run now, Mel.

Preventing royal dating.

It's a matter of minutes before they surrender to us.

Check the door. There's no one there.

Hey!

Mr. and Mrs. Keaton!

Excuse me for screaming. I'm all excited.

Can I help you? No, no. But I can help you.

I wouldn't normally do this. I mean, it is technically treason and I could be

shot for it, but... You're such nice people. I hate to see you aggravated.

is it? What are you talking about? Who are you?

You don't know me, but...

I brought you a lot of towels in the last ten days.

You're such a nice family.

It has been a pleasure tailing you.

Alex and Mallory, they're such sweet kids.

Wait, what about Alex and Mallory? I never really wanted to be a spy, you

Orthodontia was always... What about Alex and Mallory?

They go to the House of Lords to find the Earl of Cureton.

Where's the...

Keep in touch.

In the year 1275, the House of Lords is a marvelous example of English late

Gothic architecture of the period.

The Lords' Robin Room is, as you might imagine, the room where

the Lords do their robin. I'm very sorry, but this room is out of bounds

tours. I'm...

terribly sorry, my lord. I had no idea.

But you see, these two young Americans are personal friends of the Earl of

Cureton. And Mary!

Alex!

That's all right, my dear old friend. I know these people.

What in heaven's name are you doing here?

We were in the neighborhood.

How nice.

How did you do it, crew?

We won.

He came in second.

And where is William?

He's coming.

He's coming.

I must go.

Why don't you watch proceedings from the stranger's gallery?

We can. We will.

All

right.

We have what we came for.

Let's get out of here.

Over there with these two. I don't suppose we could continue with the tour.

We'll deal with them later. Let's go.

Which way do we go?

Come on, Jack.

Find your Puritan stall and hurry.

I beg to differ with

you, my lord.

That is your lordship's privilege.

but I submit that your lordship's position is entirely without foundation.

If we were to eliminate all heavy industry from London proper, the per

capita tax base would fall like a stone.

And then I ask, where should we be?

Precisely where we are at the moment, my lord.

The middle class is leaving London in droves.

They're running, my lord.

They're running from the smokestacks. of heavy industry.

I believe Lord Finch has something to say in support of my claim.

Lord Finch.

Oh, well.

Lord Finch.

Finchy.

Please, I've lost, mind you.

Oh, really?

Oh,

Polly, the bison swine are dressed up as lords. They're all through there,

sitting there. Good Lord, my Lord.

And we have reason to believe that one of them has got the brush on his purse.

Yeah, but we know what they look like, so why don't we go in and get them? No,

we can't go in there.

Guns blazing, Alex. This isn't one of your western shoot -me -ups. No, this...

It's the House of Lords.

Air pollution is sneaky and nasty, and I think I speak for all

of us.

Can I have a word with you?

in this building as nowhere else

Old Oxford wouldn't be the same without you, Alex.

Yeah, well, that's true of wherever I leave.

I'm planning on coming to Ohio next summer to see you and Mallory and Willie

Mays.

Willie doesn't get up there as much as you'd like.

Mallory will be there.

It's not about lines on the map, is it, Alex?

I mean friendship.

No.

No, I think it would be crazy to leave our personal lives to the man -makers of

the world.

It's for our people.

Thanks.

Ah, before I forget, your crewmates had something for you. You're not getting

away that easily.

Congratulations. Now, this is from us all. It's a blade to remind you of your

time here with us all.

This is great, thanks.

Congratulations. Thank you.

And I have something I think I'd like you to remember me by.

It's the knight's breastplate emblazoned with the curate and crest.

A symbol of bravery.

Well, uh, thank you.

This is, uh... This, this is... This is not carrying a luggage.

So how do you feel now?

Great.

Things have been a little crazy, but, you know, for the first time, I think

really begun to relax and enjoy this vacation.

British Caledonian, flight 221 to New York's Kennedy Airport is now

Okay, come on.

That's us, honey.

Where's your book, honey?

Oh, okay.

Five tickets.

You bet.

Great. All right. Thanks very much.

Sorry. Excuse me. But I...

It was just, what does it matter? I got it. This is the final call for any of

the men. Oh, that's for me. I'm going to miss you, Mallory. I'm going to miss

you, too.

I don't know. Well, I've never felt about anyone the way I feel about you.

time together was so special.

Oh, it doesn't have to end.

Well, shall I come and visit you? Yeah, yeah, come visit me. I will. I will.

You and Alex and Willie Mays. Who?

I love you, Mallory.

I love you, too.

Hello What

brings you to America

Sit, Ubu, sit.

Good dog.