Original subtitles

I bet we've been together for a million years.

And I bet we'll be together for a million more.

Oh, it's like I started breathing on the night we did.

And I can't remember what I ever did before.

What would we do, baby, without us?

What would we do, baby, without her?

And there ain't no nothing we can't love each other through.

What would we do, baby, without her?

Sha -la -la -la.

Thanks for dinner, Mr. Keaton. Everything was delicious.

Yes, my wife has a way with seaweed.

What's this over here?

That's cooked lawn.

I mow it.

I rake it. And I cook it.

Come on, Elise.

We better get going. The car dealer's closing in an hour. What kind of car are

you thinking of buying?

A sports car.

Mallory, the whole reason for buying a new car is to have more room for the

baby. What would be the point of buying a sports car?

I'd look great in one.

Come on, Mallory, they'd be crazy to let you drive the new car anyway.

I happen to be a good driver, Alex. I passed my road test on the third try,

I almost passed on the second try.

And she could have if the examiner hadn't been thrown from the car.

I don't care what kind of car we buy. As long as it doesn't have those fake dye

things from the rear view mirror.

What are you guys going to do tonight?

Well, Alex and I are going to interview some students for our new business.

The Jarrett and Keaton Tutorial Service.

That's right. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. You mean the Keaton and Jarrett

Tutorial Service.

Keaton and Associates.

Why not just Keaton?

All right. Okay. Have it your way.

Who would come to you? you guys to be tutored anyway.

We could get rich off your friends alone, ma 'am.

Well, I think it's nice to see you guys cooperating for a change.

What does that mean, Mom?

Oh, come on. You two are the most competitive guys I know.

Us? Compete?

Why do we ever compete over?

Okay, Elise, you ready to go?

Jan, you gonna look after the baby?

I think Alex will be okay on his own, Mom.

Oh, you mean the other baby?

Yeah, I'll stay.

We'll see you later.

Yeah, hopefully in a Maserati.

Bye -bye. Good night.

Okay, let's get this place cleaned up. We are professional tutors now. We gotta

make a good impression on our tutees.

We are gonna have a very successful business and... we're going to be

a service for the college community.

And we're going to be rich.

Right. And we're going to split everything down the middle.

54 -46.

Keaton, I recognize that look in your eye.

What look?

That competitive look, like when we were teammates in that bicycle race and you

kept trying to ride away from me off in your own direction.

Come on, Jared, I saw a shortcut.

We were on a tandem bike.

And so basically what we offer is a bi -weekly tutorial on those subjects

not performing up to your top standards in.

That's great, but what I really need help in is my schoolwork.

Well, that's what tutorial means, William.

Oh.

Okay, well, I'll see you guys Tuesday then, huh?

Hey, by the way, where do I go?

Uh, well, the tutorial will take place here, William.

I mean, where do I go now?

Go home.

Go home.

See you Tuesday, William.

Woo, okay.

Hey, we did it. We bought the wagon master. We pick it up next week. Whoa,

congratulations.

Yeah, it's economical.

It's well built. It's roomy. Ugly. It looks like a refrigerator on wheels.

I wanted to get the Panther 4000 Turbo XK at 0 to 100 in two seconds.

Mallory, I don't like buying a car that requires a parachute to slow down.

I heard the Wagon Master's a real nice car, Mr. Keaton.

Oh, it is a beauty, James. The salesman says it seats eight comfortably and ten

uncomfortably.

I'm going to go check on Andy. It's time for his bath. Oh, I'll come with you,

Lisa. I want to show him these dice.

Okay, so who's next?

Uh, just one more. Uh, Robin Green.

I don't know, I spoke to her on the phone. She sounded pretty dull.

Hey, if we can tutor William, we can tutor anyone.

Hi,

I'm, uh, I'm Alex Keaton.

Robin Green.

Nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you.

This is my partner, James Jarrett.

Hi.

Come in, come in, come in.

Thank you. Would you like something to drink?

No, thanks.

Can I take your coat?

All right.

Please sit down. Have a seat. Have a seat.

This is a beautiful coat.

Thank you.

Am I in the right house for the tutoring?

Well, uh, William, that just about wraps up today's session.

How am I doing so far?

Not bad.

You'll do even better next time if you bring your book.

Bring book, bring book.

Okay. Okay, now remember that this Thursday is the 31st.

30 days past Thursday, April... It's a good thing we don't offer

a money -back guarantee.

Okay, who's next on the schedule tonight?

Uh, gee, uh, who's next?

Uh, Eddie Fenton canceled, so it's just, uh, Robin.

Robin?

Yeah. Robin.

Right.

Robin.

Alex, let's be honest with each other.

I think it's safe to say that Robin is a girl that one might consider to be

attractive.

Really?

Yeah, okay, now that you mention it, I can't see how one might find her

attractive, sensuous, incredibly erotic.

Well, personally, I hadn't noticed.

I hadn't either.

But, you know, if two guys are trying to run a business and they were to compete

over something like, say, a girl.

It could destroy the whole foundation

of their partnership.

Yeah, of course it could. So what? So they shouldn't compete.

Right. So let's not.

Right. Let's remain cool.

Detached.

Professional. Professional.

Right.

Professional. Right.

Hello. Robin, I had completely forgotten it was your night tonight.

Enter, enter.

Well, I brought my economics and my poetry books.

Who's going to tutor me first?

I am.

Well, it doesn't matter to me.

All I know is that when I study, whatever I do last stays with me best.

Then do poetry first.

Do poetry. Take your time. I'll be back in, what, roughly 40 minutes.

James, that is really funny.

I bet you never thought that Alexander Pushkin was such an amusing poet.

But I always expected it.

Time's up.

Alex, that could not have been 40 minutes.

You guys are on a tight ship here.

Evidently. Though we seem to be a little lacking in professional courtesy. Oh,

hey, hey, hey, hey. I'm professional, buddy. I don't giggle when I tutor.

You know, James is really wonderful.

He is?

He's one of the brightest and most interesting people I've met since I've

at Leland.

Yeah, well, uh, yeah.

He does make a good first impression.

In a superficial sort of way.

Oh, I think you'll find that I'm pretty bright and amusing in my own right.

Only with more depth.

I'm sure I will.

Uh,

uh, Robin.

Uh, would you like to go out with me tomorrow night?

That's really nice of you to ask, Alec.

But James already invited me to a poetry reading tomorrow night.

I can't believe it.

Great. Great.

Excuse me, Alec, can I use the phone in the other room? Sure, go ahead.

I got a book.

How could you?

I just forgot it, that's all.

No, no, no. You forgot more than a book. You forgot our agreement.

You asked her out. And so did you.

How did you know? I was listening at the door.

How dare you.

That's it, Jared.

That's it. Our partnership is over.

Suits me just fine.

It was an ant.

And make certain to unfasten your seatbelt before getting out of the car.

Dad, how much longer do we have to do this?

There's only one more section to go.

Ah, your trunk, and welcome to it.

Now, where are you going?

I thought I'd drive the new car over to Chrissy's house.

No, she's kidding.

It's Mrs.

Opec. She got the new Panzer Turbo.

I can't believe it.

I specifically set aside this time to play with the baby, and he's asleep.

I mean, Mom, I love that kid, but he's inconsiderate.

Alex, you've been in a bad mood all day. What's your problem?

It's you, Mallory.

No, I'm sorry. It's not you.

It's just a reflex.

It's James.

What happened?

Oh, Dad, you're not going to believe this when you hear it. I mean, are you

ready for this? He invited Robin Green to a poetry reading.

And he always seems so nice.

No, no, Dad, you don't understand. See, she's one of our two T's.

Who's your other T?

Anyway... You see, James... James and I are both attracted to this girl, so we

made a gentleman's agreement not to ask her out.

Why?

It's obvious, Elise, without such a contract, they might compete for her and

destroy their friendship in the process.

That's ridiculous.

They should be stronger than that.

Well, Elise, the male ego is a very fragile thing.

Oh, that's stupid.

I'm hurt.

Alex, I'm surprised that James would do such a thing. Yeah, me too, but he did.

Well, now, how did you find out about this?

Well, because she told me when I asked her out for tonight.

Well, if you asked her out, then you are just as guilty as James.

No, no, that's not true, Mom. See, I only asked her out because I suspected

James had asked her out, which he had.

It was entirely a defensive move on my part.

Then had we gone out, it would have been purely a preemptive tactical date.

How romantic.

Hey, hey, no way. I'm tired. I don't want to play now.

Coming, Andy?

Wait, Mom, Dad.

Mallory, Mallory, listen, you've got to help me out with something.

You're sort of a girl.

James and I are both attracted to the same girl. Now, what would you do if you

had two good -looking, intelligent guys interested in you?

What's that got to do with you and James?

Come on, Mallory.

All right.

Look, if a guy was interested in me, I'd want to know about it.

Really? Look, all you can do is express how you feel.

And if you and Robin are meant to be together, it'll happen naturally.

Just be yourself.

Okay.

That's a very sensitive, perceptive point, Mallory.

Thanks.

I read in Cosmopolitan.

Wow, wow.

Robin, James, what a surprise.

Hi, Alex. It's good to see you. Yeah, well, I never miss a poetry reading.

I have season tickets.

Mal, your attention, please.

This evening, the Poetry Club is pleased to have with us the Horace Newton Award

winner for poetry, Zane Axelrod.

Mr. Axelrod is one of the best and most incomprehensible poets of his

generation.

Where are the chairs?

Just sit on the floor, Alex.

Right.

Bohemians.

holocaust in you a christmas poem

intercontinental

ballistic missiles assembled in the silos

of our soul multiple warheads the fragments of our

unfulfillment

and a hickory dickory dot.

This is art, Alex. Something you obviously know nothing about.

Oh, hey, hey, hey. Don't, uh, don't.

Don't pretend to be Mr. Culture. You're only here for one reason and you know

it. Born pure and tarnished by distrust or

born tarnished searching for a shine.

Shaboom.

I can't believe you'd be so loyal to just barge in on my date.

Ah, a date. A date. So you admit it's a date. I admit nothing.

Why don't you get lost, Keaton? Oh, yeah, who's going to make you? I am.

No, I am.

Hey, this is a private discussion, so you want to just stick to your stupid

poetry? Oh, yeah?

Well, I'm rubber and you're glue.

whatever you say bounces off me and sticks to you.

This guy's good.

What is it with you two?

A few weeks ago, you seemed so mature, and now you've turned into a couple of

third graders.

He did first. Oh, did not.

Look, Robin, we both obviously like you a lot, and I think the ball is in your

court now.

Look, Robin, you can settle this whole thing right now by just saying which one

of us you like better.

I never had the chance to find out.

I hardly know either of you, and all of a sudden I'm in the middle of some kind

of tug of war.

I don't enjoy being the object of some adolescent competition.

And until the two of you grow up, I don't want to spend any more time with

either of you.

I still haven't got the baby seat in. I want to swing by the hardware store and

get an acetylene torch and a power wrench. I have to take out the back

That's ridiculous.

That we wouldn't have this problem with the Maserati.

Hey, everybody.

Hey, Alex, I'm glad you're here. We need the Volvo to go shopping.

Oh, Dad, uh, Sam hasn't figured out the new car yet, huh?

You got it. Okay, let's go.

Oh, Alex, Andrew needs to be changed.

All right. No, Mom!

Mom, wait a minute. Don't do this to me, Mom. I've only had one lesson, Mom.

All right. Okay.

Andy, it's just you and me.

Bear with me.

Okay.

I know this seems like a great deal to you, but, uh, you know you're gonna have

to give it up sooner or later.

Yeah, hold on.

Just...

Try and stay in that position.

Oh, it's you.

What do you want?

I just came by to pick up some of my books.

Well, come in and get them.

What are you doing?

I'm gardening.

What does it look like I'm doing? I'm changing Andrew.

Oh. Need any help?

No, I don't need any help. I'm perfectly capable.

Could you, uh, hold this leg and, uh, grab a diaper?

How could you bust up my date like that? Oh, hey, you shouldn't have been on

that date in the first place. Give me the powder.

Here's the powder, and you shouldn't have asked her out either.

Hey. I only asked her out because I knew you were going to ask her out, which

you did.

Pins. And I only asked her out because I knew you were going to, and you did.

Here are the pins.

Yeah, well, thanks to you, I made a fool of myself.

I made a fool out of myself, too.

Okay.

All done here.

Goo.

It doesn't look right. No, let's try again.

You know, Alex, when I left the poetry reading, I took a walk down Foxwood

past the Little League field.

Remember that team we used to play on?

Wilson's House of Fine Lingerie?

We had the nicest uniforms in the league.

Lace cuffs.

See -through jerseys.

When I was standing there, I thought of all the stuff we've been through

together. All the Cub Scout meetings, the camping trips, the low -interest

you've given me.

We're supposed to be friends, Alex. Why are we always competing?

Competition is the backbone of our relationship, James.

I mean, we just push each other to do better.

Whoa, okay, moment of truth. You want to put your finger right there?

Here? Yeah, right.

And got it.

Okay. All right.

Okay.

There you go.

All right.

There you go.

Oh, we're still a great team.

Yeah, you know, this could be our new business.

Keaton and Jarrett, tutoring and diapering.

What do you mean Jarrett and Keaton, diapering and tutoring?

No, that's not what I said. I said...

That's what I meant to say.

And I meant to say what you said.

It's going to be a great business.

We'll keep your grades high.

And your babies dry.

Sit, Ubu, sit.

Good dog.