Original subtitles

I bet we've been together for a million years.

And I bet we'll be together for a million more.

Oh, it's like I started breathing on the night we kissed.

And I can't remember what I ever did before.

What would we do, baby, without us?

What would we do, baby, without us?

And there ain't no nothing we can't love each other through.

What would we do, baby, without us?

Sha -la -la -la.

Mom, I still don't think that a woman in your condition should be traveling

alone. Alex, you know, if you had it your way, Mom would be locked in her

for nine months wearing a veil. Oh, come on. That is not true.

I see no need for a veil.

Mom, what if you have the baby on the plane?

Well, then we name her Amelia Earhart Keaton.

Don't worry, honey. I'm not going to have the baby on the plane.

Elise, are you sure you don't want me to come with you? Oh, no, honey. The kids

need you here.

What would you do at a convention with 200 women architects?

Arm wrestle for money?

Hi there, folks.

Oh, my God.

It's time. You're going to the hospital, right? You're going to have... I had a

feeling it was going to be today.

Skippy, I'm not having the baby today.

I'm going to Michigan.

Oh, I see. You want the baby to have dual citizenship.

Never mind, Elise.

Mallory, try and explain it to him. Elise, come on. You're going to miss

plane. Oh, yes, yes.

Goodbye. Be good. Oh, thank you, love.

So, uh, I'm free for the afternoon.

Why are you telling me?

Because I thought we might do something together.

Oh, excuse me, I've got a friend coming over. We're gonna try new makeup and set

each other's hair.

What's his name?

Jane.

Jane?

That's a funny name for a guy.

Hey, Mal.

I found this girl wandering around outside. She claims she's a friend of

I have a name. Oh, congratulations.

It's Jane.

Oh, and you know it, too.

You're brighter than most of Mal's friends.

Hi, Mallory. Hi, Jane.

That's my brother. I apologize.

Uh, what's this?

Oh, that's Skippy. Just think of him as a lamp.

Oh, Skip.

What's wrong with him?

I don't know.

Yo, Skippy.

Alex. What happened to you, Skip?

What happened?

Suddenly my life has meaning.

Suddenly I know why I was put here on planet Earth.

Suddenly I feel alive.

Is he about to sing?

I just met the girl of my dreams, right here in this very room. Look, Skippy, we

all know how you feel about Mallory. No, no, I'm not talking about Mallory. I'm

talking about the other one.

The one with the funny name.

Jane?

I'd better write it down.

Jane.

Jane.

J -A -N -E.

A sudden skip? I mean, you just met this girl. Alex, it was love at first sight.

I will not rest until I have made that girl mine.

How are you planning to do that?

Well, I was kind of hoping you'd talk to her for me.

No way, Skip. Just keep me out of this, all right? Alex, please, you've got to

help me. You know I can't talk to girls.

I get too nervous. I get all tongue -tied. I try to speak, but I just freeze

I don't know what to say.

Well, tell me. by yourself you know discuss your good qualities okay what

they uh you have never been convicted of

a federal offense you uh you buy your clothes right off the rack

and you You don't spit when you talk.

I'm going to write these down. I'll get a notebook.

Skippy, you don't need a notebook. You're not going to have any trouble

to her.

She's just a girl, right?

You're going to be okay.

We're going to get something to eat. You guys want anything?

No, no, not right now.

Yes?

anyone comment on my soybeans Rockefeller yet.

That's not that bad.

She went into the pantry.

Ow, it's so bad.

I'm checking the light fixture.

Ow, the light can't fly.

Oh, yeah. You ever hear of Mighty Mouse, Jen?

Skippy.

Hi, Skippy.

Oh, hi. Uh, Alex, did you get a chance to talk to her yet?

Skippy, didn't you hear me? I just said hi to you.

Yeah, yeah, I heard you.

Hi. Uh, Alex, did you get a chance to talk to Jane yet?

Uh, no, no, not yet.

Why do you want Alex to talk to Jane?

Actually, Skippy's got a bit of a crush on her.

Oh, really?

Actually, he's crazy about her.

I mean, you never even talked to the girl. You don't know anything about her.

Anyway, I thought we had some sort of understanding. You worship me and I

you.

Mallory, those were wonderful years.

But it's over.

Try to be strong.

By the way, does Jane talk about me much?

She doesn't even know you exist.

That's good.

Because once they know I exist, that's when I run into trouble.

If she means that much to you, I'll talk to her.

I don't know how that mouse got away.

I'm sure I had him cornered.

Face it, Dad.

He was toying with you.

I'll get him, Jennifer.

He's in this house somewhere.

And I'll find it.

I'm not so sure, Dad. This is one smart mouth.

Not smarter than you and I put together.

Come on, write this down.

All right, we're going to need some plywood, a couple of hinges, some nails,

chicken wire, a bell, a quart of varnish,

and some cheese.

You know, Mr. Keaton, my dad once built the mousetrap, but it never worked.

Maybe he didn't use the right kind of bait.

No, no, the bait was fine. I know, because I used to eat it before the

mousetrap.

Come on, Jim, let's work on these plans upstairs.

Oh, can I come?

I might be of some use.

Sure, Skip.

Yeah, coming.

What a pleasant surprise.

Sorry to bother you, Alex. I'm just here to study with Mallory.

Oh, no, no bother. No bother at all, Jane. Come on in. Sit down. Sit down.

So, what are you studying there?

Medieval English poetry.

Oh, really?

Do you know who is a real expert on medieval English poetry?

Skippy.

Skippy?

Uh, yeah, Skippy Handelman.

Remember the tall, good -looking fella who was here yesterday?

You mean the lamp?

Uh, Jane, can I ask you a personal question?

Go ahead.

Are you seeing anybody right now? I mean, do you have a boyfriend?

No one special.

Oh, so in other words, you are not dating anyone on a regular basis?

No. That's great news. That is great news. I'm very glad to hear that.

Really? Oh, yeah. I can't think of anything that would make me happier.

I can't think of anything that would make me happier than hearing you say

Alex.

What do you mean, Jane?

Alex, I've had a desperate, passionate yearning for you ever since I was a

little kid.

Oh.

Oh, that's what you mean.

I didn't know you then, Jane.

But I knew you.

I used to watch you across the playground when you were playing with

kids.

And in high school when you ran for student council president, I voted for

300 times.

I'm sorry you didn't win.

Well, you did all you could.

Alex, I waited for this all my life.

That was a terrific kiss, Alec.

Thank you.

You know who's also a terrific kisser?

Skippy.

How do you know?

We went to kissing school together.

sure you want to talk about Skippy?

Who?

Alex, you've been telling Jane about me for three days. When am I going to get

to go out with her?

Well, I'm not through telling her about you yet, Skip.

How much is there to tell?

Your life is not easy to explain.

You're a very, very complicated guy. Now, why don't you just go home?

And be patient, and I'll let you know how it's going.

All right. I'm going to go home and practice for when I get to talk to her.

idea. Good idea.

Hello, Jane.

I'm Skippy.

Skippy sounds so babyish.

Hello, Jane.

I'm Ricardo Montalban.

Thanks.

Dad, are you sure this mouse trap won't hurt the mouse?

I'm positive.

It'll just trap them in the box.

And we'll just set him loose in the field somewhere.

Poor mouse.

We'll be taking him far from his home.

To a place where he doesn't have any friends.

Maybe he doesn't even speak the language.

He'll be lost.

Homesick.

Lonely.

What kind of life is that?

But on the other hand, it'll open up new, exciting opportunities for him.

Expand his horizons.

Give him the kind of life he's always dreamed of having.

He's a mouse, Dad, not an exchange student.

I'll go put another coat of varnish on this.

Hello?

Uh, hi, Jay.

Uh, just thinking about me, huh?

What a coincidence.

I was just thinking about me, too.

Uh, no.

No, no, no, no. Not on the phone, Jane.

No. No, come on, please. It's not on the... All right.

All right, okay.

Bye -bye.

Who was that?

Skippy's girlfriend.

How are they getting along?

Dad, this has gotten completely out of hand.

You see, Skippy saw Jane, and he fell instantly in love with her, and he tried

to talk to her, but all he could get out was, So he asked me to try and talk to

her, which I did, only to find out that she's been in love with me since the

first grade.

So Skippy thinks I've been telling her about him for three days, but every time

I bring up his name, she cuts me off with a kiss.

How much of this does Skippy know?

Oh, everything up to the... I see.

What am I going to do, Dad?

Well, let's face it, Alex. If you wanted to, you could have put a stop to this.

Yeah, but I'm attracted to her, Dad.

She's attracted to me.

We're beginning to develop a very significant, very meaningful lust.

For each other.

Well, look, Alex, obviously this girl is a lot more important to Skippy than she

is to you.

I think you know what you should do.

Yeah, you're right, Dad. I should have put a stop to this a long time ago.

And I'm going to, right now.

Or at the very least, next week.

Alex? All right, I'll call her.

Hi, Jane.

Yeah, yeah, it's me again.

Listen, I was wondering, how would you like to have dinner at Guido's?

Oh,

that much, huh?

All right, okay.

Yeah, it'll be great.

Candlelight and quiet music and Skippy.

I'm very nervous. I'm more than nervous.

I'm petrified.

What if I say the wrong thing? What if I do the wrong thing? Look, Skippy, just

trust your instincts, okay? You can't go wrong.

All right.

I, uh, I brought along $10.

I thought I might give it to Jane as a gift.

On second thought, ignore your instincts, okay?

I can do that.

Hello, guys. Oh, Jane, um...

You'll have to excuse Skippy. He's just feeling a little peppy tonight.

Why don't we all just sit down and get to know each other a little better?

I'm all for that.

So, oh, Skippy, why don't you tell Jane a little bit about yourself, huh? Tell

her about that time you saved your little sister's life.

Well, it was nothing, really.

It was just a matter of simple reflexes. That's all.

gonna go wash my hands okay uh you two get to know each other a little better

please don't leave me skippy

we're very close skippy i'll be right

back okay

How long have you known Alex?

I can't

remember.

Do you live next door or across the street from Alex?

Are you all right?

You're not having some kind of attack, are you?

I'm really glad we had this opportunity to talk.

Ray, hi. I hope I gave you two enough time alone together.

I think so.

Excuse me.

I'm going to go wash my hair.

Excuse me, you mean your hands.

Right. I mean, I'm going to wash the hair on my hands.

quite a guy, isn't he?

I'll say.

I missed you while you were gone, Alex.

I was only gone for two minutes, Jane.

I don't know what it is about you, Alex, but you bring out the animal in me.

Hope I'm not being too forward. I understand.

pick up a pizza for Keaton, please?

Mallory, look.

Jennifer and Mallory, what are you guys doing here?

Um, we're... Come on over and say hello to Alex and Jane. Oh, no.

Sorry, Mallory, but I'm spoken for.

I better be getting back to my date.

Skippy, don't.

I

can explain

this. No, Alex, don't bother explaining. I think I can see what's going on here.

So I turn around, and there's Alex kissing Jane.

He was kissing her.

Look at me when I'm talking to you.

Now pay attention.

Move over here to the glass.

March.

Hi, can I come in?

This is Alex.

Hide your women.

Skippy, I owe you an apology.

Alex, you ruined the whole evening. The date was going so well up until then.

I mean, she was really starting to warm up to me.

Look, you got to understand.

She has been in love with me since the first grade.

She idolizes me. When I ran for student council president, she voted for me 300

times.

So did I.

Sorry I didn't win.

Skippy, we just, we got to talk this thing out.

No, no, Alex. I don't want to talk.

Skippy, we've been friends for too long for you to just bounce out of my life.

You stabbed me in the back, Alex. I know I did, Skippy, and I'm sorry. I was

wrong.

Look, this is ridiculous, Skippy. Will you stop doing that?

I can't stop, Alex.

Skippy, listen to me.

I'm sorry about everything.

I didn't mean to hurt you.

But you did, Alex.

I've always trusted you.

I know you have, Skip, and...

I'm,

uh, I'm gonna stand up.

Alex, why did you do it? You could go out with any girl you want. Why couldn't

you just say no?

Come on, Skippy, it is not that simple.

It's like there's two Alexes, you know?

There's a good Alex and there's a bad Alex.

The good Alex said, leave her alone.

She's Skippy's girl.

What did the bad Alex say?

Shut up, good Alex. Take her. She's yours.

Shut up, bad Alex.

Don't worry, Skippy. I'm not listening to him anymore.

Look, you're my friend.

You know, that's the important thing.

I just want to be worthy of your friendship.

All right.

You know, it's partially my fault, Alex.

Maybe next time you'll speak for yourself.

Now, you really got to give yourself more credit, Skippy.

You know, you are a wonderful guy.

If I'm such a wonderful guy...

Why aren't there any girls that like me?

You have to be patient, Skip.

I mean, somewhere out there is a girl who is going to love you.

A very special girl.

Maybe that's her now.

Hi,

Skip. I just want to see if you're all right.

Yeah, yeah. I guess I am.

You know, Mallory,

There are two Skippies.

A good Skippy and a bad Skippy.

Would you like to go out with either of us on Friday night?

No.

No.

Great to be back, guys.

Sit, Ubu, sit.

Good dog.