Original subtitles

I bet we've been together for a million years.

And I bet we'll be together for a million more.

Oh, it's like I started breathing on the night we did.

And I can't remember what I ever did before.

What would we do, baby, without a...

What would we do, baby, without her?

And there ain't no nothing we can't love each other through.

What would we do, baby, without her?

Sha -la -la -la.

improving, don't you, Mal?

Yes, definitely.

Couldn't she learn to play something quieter, like checkers?

Alex, we all put up with you when you were learning how to play the accordion.

Come on, Mallory, that was different. I had a rare gift for that instrument.

Your teacher wound up in an institution.

Hey, hey, Mrs. Billington had serious personal problems way before I played

of Spain.

Hasn't Uncle Ned here yet?

Can't wait to play for him.

He should be here any minute. I think you should keep practicing. Uh, outside.

Come on, come on.

Acoustics are better outside.

Dark out, Alex.

It'll get you in the mood, Jennifer.

You can play the blues.

All right, but just call me when Uncle Ned gets here, okay?

So, Mom, think Uncle Ned's gonna stay for a while this time?

It's hard to predict anything about my brother. The only thing you can predict

is he'll be unpredictable.

Even that we're not too sure about.

Yeah, well, if Dad gets him this job at the station, he'll be able to settle

down. Don't get your hopes up about this. Your dad's trying to set up an

interview, but I think you should stop bugging him about it.

What, me?

I haven't been bugging him.

Alex, you're wallpapered our bedroom with Ned's resume.

Hey, what's Jennifer doing outside?

She's practicing her clarinet.

Well, that explains all the cats.

Dad, you think you're going to be able to get Uncle Ned that interview?

Alex, try and be a little more sensitive.

Did you have a good day, honey?

Well, actually... Great. Did you get Ned the interview?

Yes.

I talked with Mr. Wirtz. He says if Ned's interested, he'll see him.

Did the question of Ned's path come up? Of course it came up, Elise. I couldn't

tell Wirtz that Ned just arrived from the planet Xenon.

Sure beats pilling any embezzled $4 .5 million from his last job.

Come on, Mom. He did not embezzle anything. He didn't make a penny from

simply hid that money in the computer to prevent a merger that would put a lot

of people out of work. It was an act of conscience.

One man's act of conscience is another man's felony, Alex. He made a great

sacrifice, Dad. He was vice president of a major corporation.

He gave that up for something he believed in.

Why are all those cats out in the yard rolling on their backs?

Jennifer's practiced enough tonight.

Look who's here!

Hey!

He's around on a curb, and it's a good thing I haven't bought, because two guys

in a truck were trying to make off with him.

Oh!

Well, she's in uptown, girls.

Alex, hey, you've grown a hair.

Hey, how are you? Steven, you've grown many hairs.

My favorite sister.

Oh, how are you? Oh, good. Well, here I am. Huh?

Let's celebrate, huh?

Alex, you got any beer? Yeah.

Great, great.

Beautiful. Here, put this back for me, would you?

So how was the train ride? Good, good. Next time, I think I'm going to ride

inside.

Hey,

what's with the clarinet?

I'm taking lessons.

Do you want to hear me play?

Yes, okay, that's great. This is one of my six best categories.

How are you in geography, Mallory? Well, let's put it this way, Uncle Ned. We're

happy when she finds her way home.

He's trying to break our concentration, Uncle Ned. Just ignore him.

Ignore whom?

Don't worry about it now.

There's not a lot in this category that Ned Geography Donnelly doesn't know. Go

ahead, fire away, sis.

What country? Oh, no, a country question!

drinks the most beer per capita. We give up.

West Germany.

What, they're ahead of us in that, too? All right, Alex, Alex, it is our

patriotic duty to catch up with these jokers. Get some more beer in here,

Got it. I'll have one, too, Alex. Oh,

gosh, it is late, guys. Time for bed.

Do we have to? I don't want to go to bed yet.

Yeah, Uncle Ned's been good. Can't he stay up another hour? Come on, it's

10. We'll finish tomorrow.

Yeah, but I wanted to play a number for Uncle Ned before bed.

No!

Good night, guys.

Good night, guys.

Oh, here you go, Uncle Ned. Oh, great.

Alex. Hey.

It's all pretty heavy on that stuff, aren't you, Ned? Uh, Jennifer and

Mallory aren't having any, so I'm just helping the family meet its quota.

Come on, sit down. I want to talk to you.

Oh, golly, this sounds like some brother and sister stuff to me.

Yeah, it is.

Come on, you know what I'm going to say?

Don't you think it's time you got a job?

Oh, gee, Elise, I just got here. Come on, give me a chance to unpack my

I still got rail lag.

It's time you got settled. I mean, you haven't had a decent job in a year. No,

no, no, that's not true. I had a great job for three weeks in Denver. I was a

doctor.

Be serious.

Elise, you be serious.

Who is going to hire me now?

Well, if you're interested, there's an opening down at the station for a

consultant.

The interview's officially ended last week, but I was able to pull a few

and get you one.

I think you might be good at it.

I'd be great at it!

Does that mean you're interested?

No, it means I find you irresistible.

This calls for a celebration. Barkeep, a few more beers in here, please. I'm

buying.

How come that? I didn't know you were there.

I'm sorry.

Are you okay?

Depends.

Just how important is the heart?

Come on, sit down and have a drink. It'll make you feel better.

What are you doing up so late, anyway?

Ah, I gotta pull an all -nighter for an economics final tomorrow.

Oh, well, then you're gonna need a beer.

It'll help you study.

Because if you've got the time, we've got the beer.

We haven't got the beer.

Well.

Alex, what do you say we go make a beer run, huh?

Uncle Ned, it's after two. You know how to make a beer run, don't you? Just

tickle him under his pop top.

Oh, well.

Yo,

Uncle Ned, are you okay? I'm fine. I'm fine. I'm fine.

Let's see. There ought to be some alcohol in here somewhere.

Marinated artichoke hearts. Do you ever have a real good artichoke high, Alex?

Cut it out, Uncle Ned. You really don't need this.

Oh, oh, oh, oh. Here we go. Now, it may not be milly time, but it is vanilla

time.

Look at you, kid.

Now, remember, don't drive and bake.

believe this. You just drank a whole bottle of vanilla extract.

I'm sorry. Did you want some?

No.

No, I didn't.

Well, come on. Sit down. Maybe I can help you with a test of yours tomorrow,

huh? I am not totally unfamiliar with the area of economics, you know.

Thanks. I think I'll do all right.

You, uh, you don't think your Uncle Ned has it anymore, huh? You're ashamed of

your Uncle Ned.

You think I might give you the wrong answers?

Let me tell you something. I spoke in front of the World Bank.

So why don't you just come down from this high horse and ask your Uncle Ned

some help, huh?

What's the matter? Don't you like your Uncle Ned anymore?

I like him.

I like him a lot.

And yet you're too good to sit down and have a glass of maraschino cherries with

him? Come on.

I've never seen you drunk before.

You think I'm drunk?

You think I am drunk?

Let me tell you something, buddy.

I'm drunk.

Why shouldn't I be?

I don't like to see you like this.

You are just like that mother of yours, aren't you? You always think you can

tell me what to do.

Uncle Ned. Let me tell you something. Ned Donnelly marches to his own drum. So

don't think you can come in here and prop me up with some pious platitudes

because you were wrong.

Why don't you just get out of here, huh?

Beat it. You're beginning to get on my nerves.

Why don't you just come up there and sleep it off? Oh, no.

I'm, uh... I'm gonna go out.

Uh... Taxi!

We don't get out of here, you...

Just get out of here!

All right, I'll get out of here.

More cherries for me.

Hey, good morning, Alex.

Did you sleep all right?

No, no, not so great.

Oh, why not?

What do you mean, why not?

You know why I didn't sleep well last night.

Oh, yeah, yeah, I had that same problem as a teenager. Well, I don't know, take

a cold shower, think of Buddy Hackett.

Morning, Alex.

Oh, morning, Mom.

Ned down yet?

Uh, yeah, yeah, he was just here.

Uh... Listen, Mom, we have a real problem here. Yes, what's that?

Well, it's Uncle Ned.

He's been drinking a lot, Mom.

Look, this is a very difficult time for him, Alex.

Just because he's drinking a little more than usual doesn't mean he's a drunk.

No, you've got to listen to me. If you had seen him last night... Now, the main

thing is just relax.

Be yourself at the interview, Ned. Wurtz is tough, but he's fair.

Tough, but fair?

I like that in a woman.

interview. Oh, great. Oh, they're beautiful.

One from each of us. Thank you, guys.

I've got to go in early today. I'll drop you off, girls. You coming, Alex?

No, thanks, Ned. Pete's going to be here and pick me up any minute. Okay.

11 o 'clock in my office, Ned. See you there. Oh, I'll be there with socks on.

Ned seems fine to me.

Trust me, Mom.

Uncle Ned has a drinking problem, and you've got to do something about it.

Alex, don't you think you're over -dramatizing this?

Why, in the name of all that is pure and sacred in this great planet of ours, do

you always accuse me of over -dramatizing things?

All right, all right. But, um, this time I'm not exaggerating.

Look, Alex, I've known Ned a lot longer than you have.

He was always a drinker in school, but he's been able to handle it.

Mom, he drank a whole bottle of vanilla extract last night.

He was rummaging through the pantry looking for anything with alcohol in it.

That's my ride. I gotta go.

Listen, uh... Can I please, Mom?

Well, hey, this place cleared out fast.

Are you feeling okay?

Couldn't be better.

Are you worried about the interview?

Oh, a little.

I figure I'll do all right, though.

Well,

where did you come from?

Oh, yeah, I remember now. Yeah, nonstop from Chicago to Phoenix last August.

Well, it is good to see you. Oh, well, it's good to see you, too.

Why don't you put on your orange shoes now?

Uh, a little vodka.

Dad, the interview's in just a couple of hours. Take it easy.

Oh, Elise, this is just a little vodka, so I won't have any orange juice on my

breath.

You've been drinking heavily ever since you got here.

Should I be worried about you?

Oh, Elise, this is your brother Ned you're talking to, not some old drunk.

I don't have any problem with this. I can stop this any time I want to.

Then stop.

Now.

Is it really that important to you?

Yes.

All right.

I'll stop.

No big deal.

Mr.

Donnelly, this is a very impressive resume.

Two years at... Kelton Electronics?

Yes, yes. It's a fine firm. They recruited me right out of Harvard.

And from there you went to Centram?

Eastern regional manager and then junior vice president. That's right.

Stephen told me about your difficulties there. Perhaps you'd like to expand upon

that.

Well, uh, Mr. Wirtz, I could tell you what happened to me at Centram, but I

think I could say it best with music. And one, two, one, two, three, and...

Hello. Just a second.

Mr. Wirtz, it's for you.

Oh, thank you.

Hello?

What's gotten into you? What's going on? Oh, nothing. I'm just a little nervous.

I thought the clarinet would sort of break the ice.

I would have gone with a handshake and a smile.

It's too late now.

Look, just try to relax.

Be yourself.

Be myself?

That is just crazy enough to work, Stephen.

Ned, Ned.

Sorry about that interruption.

Oh, no problem at all. Ned and I were just stretching our legs.

Well, actually, Stephen was stretching my legs and I was stretching his legs.

Jokes are out. Got you.

Please, sit down.

Oh, I'm sorry. That was me.

Okay. So, well, Keaton, tell us a little bit about yourself.

Ned, what are you doing? You should be over here with me. Why don't you come on

over here with us? Now, come on. Move over, Wurtzman.

Ned, get over here.

Oh, all right. Come on, Wurtzman. Ned! I'm sorry. He is so adorable, what he's

saying. All right!

Let's quit!

Take this thing seriously.

Haven't you forgotten something?

What?

Socks. No, no, no. I got mine right here.

You want to try them on? Oh, I'm sorry. That was me. That was me. I'll get them

for you.

Mr. Wirtz, I'm very sorry about this.

Hey, Wirtz, you're not wearing any socks either.

I most certainly am.

Well, then whose feet are these?

Please get up now. All right.

Mr.

Donnelly, I think this interview is over.

Well, Wurtz, I think you did a fine job.

And I will let you know in a few days.

Boyd?

What happened at the interview?

At least he showed up drunk.

Without socks.

He made a fool of himself, of me, and of Mr. Worth. No.

He promised me he wouldn't drink.

How much more evidence do you need, Mom?

Let me tell you something. What I saw today was much more than a man who had a

few too many drinks.

What I saw was a sick, self -destructive individual.

What are we going to do?

Well, he obviously needs help. I don't know. Maybe he should call Alcoholics

Anonymous.

I guess I'm starting on Monday, huh? You want a carpool?

Hey, Alex, Alex, open that up and get some glasses, because we're going to

ourselves a little celebration, huh?

That was quite an exhibition you put on today.

Yeah, well, I aim to please.

Ned said you wouldn't drink.

Oh, I haven't been drinking, Elise. I just had a couple of beers. I ran into

old friend of mine, Mike, Mike Griffin, and he insisted I have a drink with him.

Now, I couldn't turn him down, could I?

Ned! All right, all right, all right, all right, all right, all right. I

meet Mike Griffin.

I met Merv Griffin.

And he insisted that I had a drink with him. Now, what could I do? You don't say

no to Merv.

Would you stop lying, Ned? Not now.

I'm on a roll.

Listen to yourself.

No, try that. Not now. I'm on a roll.

I sound fine to me.

This interview could have been a new start for you, Uncle Ned.

Dad went out of his way to set it up. You didn't even give it a chance.

Alex, what difference does it make?

Wurtz was never going to give me that job. I never had a chance.

That is not true. You had a very good chance.

But you were afraid to face it head on. You made damn sure you turned Wurtz down

before he could turn you down.

Well, what difference does it make, huh? You Keatons are always going to be

around to hold the family banner high.

Alex here will probably be running the country before he's even 35 years old.

Now, what difference does it make if old Ned falls by the wayside, huh?

It's the most pathetic speech I've ever heard. Oh, no, no, no. The most pathetic

one is coming up now.

You guys have any idea what it's like to be washed up before you're even 30

years old?

Olga Corbett, the Mouseketeers, Ned Donnelly. We're all happy.

You can go ahead and you can act like a kid, but you have an adult's problem and

it's not going to go away by itself.

You have a drinking problem, Ned. You need help. I do not have a drinking

problem, and I do not need any help. Yes, you do.

Admit it.

I think you should call Alcoholics Anonymous.

You've got to be kidding, Elise. You actually think that I'm an alcoholic?

Ned, you're sick. You have a disease.

If you don't do something about it, it's going to kill you.

I don't care.

It's over for me.

It is not over for you, Uncle Ned.

You were at the top once. You can make it back up there again.

Do you remember these clippings?

Young Executive of the Year, 1980.

Your speech before the World Bank.

When you made junior vice president at 28.

Alex, what are you doing with this stuff?

Whenever I think I can't achieve something, I look at those.

Yeah, well, Alex, these are ancient history.

They're garbage.

Hey, Uncle Ed, don't do that.

Hey, give me those. Leave me alone.

Give me those. Leave me alone!

What the hell are you doing?

I don't know.

I don't know. I'm sorry.

Sorry, Alex.

That's it.

It's over.

Right now, either you get some help or you get the hell out of my house.

How could I do that?

I hit Alex.

How could I do that?

Now would you call AA?

I guess I could look upon this as a way of meeting women that share a common

interest with me.

Hi.

Yes. Would you be interested in subscribing to the Columbus Express?

No, no.

My name is Ed Donnelly, and I have a drinking problem.

Sit, Ubu, sit.

Good dog.