Original subtitles

I bet we've been together for a million years.

And I bet we'll be together for a million more.

Oh, it's like I started breathing on the night we hid.

And I can't remember what I ever did before.

What would we do, baby, without us?

What would we do?

And there ain't no nothing we can't love each other through.

What would we do, baby, without her?

knew this was the one for us the moment I backed into it with the car.

We get more things that way.

Oh, look, it's starting to snow.

Oh, that's perfect. Snow on Christmas Eve.

What could be better?

They can put a man on the moon, but they can't stop this white slob from falling

out of the sky.

Merry Christmas to you, too, Alex.

Take it easy with the Merry Christmases, will you, Ma?

This holiday is a silly, sentimental farce. It's phony.

People just pretend to have this so -called Christmas spirit.

We can't all have this natural yuletide verb that you possess.

Do you remember you got the cough syrup for Jennifer?

No, I forgot. I'll get it tomorrow.

Tomorrow's Christmas, Alex.

Yeah, so?

So the stores will be closed.

All day?

Boy, this thing is really getting out of hand.

Look, sorry I forgot. I'll tell you what. If this thing gets any worse, I'll

take you to the emergency room myself.

All right.

But don't try to count that as my present.

Can't be the present he gave me last year.

I gave you a present last year?

Yeah, you took the garbage out for me.

Right, right. Well, uh, don't expect any of that sloppy sentiment this year.

Oh, that reminds me. Listen, I know it's kind of late, but can we make an

arrangement here?

Uh... I say we don't exchange gifts this year. Huh? How about it?

A heartwarming thought, Alex.

But we've already got our gifts for you.

Ah.

You know, Alex, just because you're an old Scrooge, why do the rest of us have

to suffer?

Because we're family, Jennifer.

We do things together.

All right, I think it is time to take a picture. Everybody.

Take your positions for the traditional Keaton Christmas photo.

Come on, join us, Alex. You know your spot. Come on, Alex. The timer is set.

You've got 11 seconds. Forget it. Forget it. I refuse to participate in this

ridiculous ceremony for a ridiculous holiday. I can't believe you got the

old stupid poses.

Oh, and don't try airbrushing me in later.

Merry Christmas.

Christmas cheer.

Jesus. Just another holiday?

You don't see people falling all over themselves on Columbus Day.

Hey!

Hi, Mr. Heaton. Christmas cheer to you, sir.

Get off the lawn before I call the cops.

And take the rest of those clowns with you.

Oh, sorry, Reverend.

Greetings. God bless you, Alex.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

What is wrong with these people?

You show them a little snow, they break into song about chestnuts nipping at

your nose.

Christmas. Bah!

What are you doing here?

I am not Jennifer.

I am the ghost of Christmas Path.

Yeah, and I'm Ed McMahon.

Get out of here, will you? You're smoking up the whole room.

On second thought, why don't you sit down?

Arise, Alec, and come hither, for I am charged with showing you the true

of Christmas.

Hey. I'm not coming hither. Uh -uh. No way.

Alex, come hither.

I'm coming hither.

I'm hither.

A ghost, huh?

Of course I'm a ghost.

If I were a person, I would have come through the door.

Where are we going?

Just grab my sleeve.

We're going to a place you know.

Hey, look out for the wall. Whoa.

The living room? You got me out of bed to show me the living room? Wait a

minute. What's with this furniture?

This isn't our living room.

Yes, it is. Ten years ago on Christmas morning.

Hey,

it's Mom.

Hey, Mom.

Mom, over here. It's me, Alex.

She can't hear you, Alex.

She can't see you either.

Oh, Mom, I've been looking all over for you.

Hey. Hey, that's me.

That's me.

I finished balancing your checkbook, Mom.

Oh, thank you, Alex.

I started on your tax returns, but I can't do much until you get your W -2s.

I don't want to repeat what happened last year.

Yeah, I'm sorry about that, Alex. That was our fault.

Yeah, but I'm the one that sweated out the audit.

That's Mallory.

We've had a way with words.

In a minute, honey.

Mallory, all you think about are opening the presents. Can you please exercise a

little discipline and self -control?

I already exercised today. So there, Alex.

Never was an even match, was it?

Alex, please don't turn on the TV. We're going to open the presents in a minute.

Mom, this won't take long. There's something I have to see.

And further evidence emerged today linking President Nixon...

the Watergate break -in of last year.

This is a witch hunt.

The perfect human innocent man. Look at that.

Is that the face of a crook?

Alex, turn off the set. He's spoiling my Christmas spirit.

Come on, now, sit up here.

Mallory.

Getting too smart for me. Actually, I better stick with Jennifer.

That's how it began.

You can't open yours now, Alex.

No, you open your presents first.

That's the real joy, watching other people enjoy your presents.

Hear that, Alex?

I heard it, I heard it. Hey, I have an idea. Before we open the rest of the

presents, let's take a picture around the tree.

Yeah. Okay, the camera's all set.

Let's pose like we're decorating it.

singing. It's so nice. I don't want to go yet.

I'm sorry.

Can't we stay just a little longer, please?

No, we can't.

Regulations, Alex.

That was beautiful.

That was really beautiful. Can we go back there later?

I'm sorry.

You can't go home again.

Well, here we are, home again.

thing tonight.

Look, I realize I may have gone a little overboard earlier this evening.

Maybe I have lost some of my youthful zest for Christmas.

And I feel badly about it, and I'm gonna change.

That's good to hear.

Okay, so, uh, Merry Christmas to all, and to all, particularly you,

a good night.

Uh, you mind closing the wall behind you?

Oh, no. You too, Mallory?

My shift is over, Alex.

She's here to relieve me.

I don't believe this.

Farewell.

I hope someone gets me a smoke alarm for Christmas.

Arise, Alex, and come.

I know. I'm hither. I'm hither.

I am the ghost of Christmas future.

Uh, look, can we do this later? I just got in from Christmas past, and I'm a

little tired.

You must go, Alex. You must see what the future holds.

Am I going to like it? I don't think so.

Then I don't want to go.

You have no choice.

Welcome to the future, Alex.

What a dump.

This can't be our house.

How did this happen?

The Keaton family fell upon hard times, Alex.

All of us?

Oh, you're okay. You live in New York now. You're a very wealthy man.

What a shame about the family.

Just how wealthy am I?

Hey, that old lady looks like Mom. That's Mom.

She's all spruced up for Christmas.

What's with the laundry?

Oh, that's how they eke out in existence now. Mom takes in people's laundry.

Tom, look at this tree!

Is that a tree?

How do you like it?

Wonderful!

The most beautiful tree we've had in years.

Why didn't I buy him a better tree? You said I had a lot of money.

Uh, by the way, when you said a lot of money, did you mean like, uh... Alex,

that's not important.

Right, right.

Hello, Mother.

Whoa, she really put on weight.

She's pregnant, and I think she looks radiant.

Where's her husband?

Oh, he's in debtor's prison. You put him there. He couldn't repay the money you

lent him for his grandmother's operation.

Jennifer's home from work early today.

Park your wheelbarrow outside, honey!

Wheelbarrow? She sells dirt.

What's the matter with her voice?

She has a very advanced sore throat. She's had a cold for 30 years now.

I'm trying to save up for some cough syrup.

Jennifer, I'm sorry. I meant to get you the cough medicine. I really did.

Forget it, Alex. She can't hear you.

What a beautiful tree.

It's a terrible tree.

Why didn't Dad just back over a tree like he used to do?

No car.

That wheelbarrow's our only means of transportation.

Let's decorate it.

Do we still have our tinsel? Right, right, right here.

It's beautiful.

Oh, why?

Why are you crying?

new one, Jennifer, I promise.

of holy

trying to eke out an existence in a depressed economy.

Are you still harping about losing your job?

No, I thought it over and I decided you were right to fire me.

Oh, will you stop that infernal c...

like the other four.

Well, as long as you don't expect me to treat them like family.

Oh, Alex is right, Mallory.

He's been so good to us already with this visit and the laundry.

Well, I'm glad you enjoyed my company.

I don't feel comfortable here.

I'm ashamed of all of you. Merry Christmas.

Wait, wait a minute. These people need food.

You can't leave them like this.

Listen to me.

Come back here. Look, I'm your... I'm you.

Ciao.

Save your breath, Alex. You can't be... Wait a minute. Come back here, you...

Come back. Give him some money.

Boy, I didn't enjoy that at all.

Not a pretty picture, eh, Alex?

Horrible. Tell me, Mallory, I got a note.

Does that future have to be? Can I change it?

I don't want to be bald.

Relax, Alex.

The future is the only thing you can change.

I can.

What do I have to do? Tell me.

Be good to your family. Share your good fortune with others.

And most importantly, massage your scalp every night.

I will.

I promise.

Oh, thanks.

Thanks for showing me the jerk I've been in the past and the jerk I'm going to

be in the future.

And don't forget the jerk you are in the present.

Can we open the presents yet?

Can't we? Please, please, please, please, please.

All right, maybe just a couple.

We could open mine.

Maybe that's his present to us.

Ho, ho, ho!

Merry Christmas!

Alex. Hey, can't fool Dad.

What have you been?

Shopping. You know, I realized it was Christmas morning.

And I had no way of showing how I feel about all of you.

How much I care about you. How important you are to me on this day of days.

Maybe the beard's on too tight.

What's in the bag?

Presents. Something for everyone.

Now, you gotta keep in mind with these gifts that it's the thought that counts,

okay? The only place open this morning was the 7 -Eleven.

Dad, Merry Christmas.

A cup of coffee.

Alex, how did you know?

You've been hinting all year.

Mallory?

Alex.

Beef jerky.

You must have read my diary.

For you, Mom. It was the last one.

A TV guide.

I'm speechless.

Hey, you don't have to speak. You can read.

Here.

A six -pack of cough syrup.

You are never selling dirt while I'm alive.

Sure.

What else is in here, Alex?

Oh, nothing, nothing.

Balls no more.

Massaging the scalp every night.

Alex,

this is a very nice surprise.

You know, last night, I learned a little something about myself.

I realized I've been missing out on something.

And I have, uh...

I have Mallory and Jennifer to thank for it.

Oh, oh, my God, one more thing.

I found a one -hour laundry open.

I had everyone's clothes cleaned and pressed.

I don't want you to ever do laundry again.

One more thing.

Allison, what has gotten into you?

I'm happy.

Can't a guy be happy at Christmas?

I mean, look.

Look at this house.

There's no laundry hanging across the room.

We have a tree with real needles.

Jennifer's clean.

Mallory's not pregnant.

What?

I said, Mallory's not president.

But hey, in this country, she could be.

I just want you all to know that, uh, you're the most important people in the

world to me.

And I know I don't show it sometimes, but I love you all very much.

Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas, Alice.

All right, it is time for a picture.

All right, I guess we don't have to be so formal this time. Just pose any way

you want.

Wait a minute. Dad, this is Christmas morning. We've got to do this right.

Traditional Keaton Christmas positions.

All right. Okay.

Hurry up. Careful, honey.

Got it? Oh, yeah.

Sit, Ubu, sit.

Good dog.