Original subtitles

I bet we've been together for a million years.

And I bet we'll be together for a million more.

Oh, it's like I started breathing on the night we hid.

And I can't remember what I ever did before.

What would we do, baby, without us?

What would we do, baby, without us?

And there ain't no nothing we can't love each other through.

What would we do, baby, without us?

Okay,

Jennifer, ask me one from the geometry category.

Alex, I'm tired of doing this. I need a break.

Come on, Jennifer, you can't let me down now.

You've helped me through the first four rounds of the high school quiz. The

championships are only three days away.

It's going to be on television.

I've got to be prepared. Come on, just one more.

Alex, you're violating child labor law.

Please.

I love it when you beg.

Hi, guys.

Can I clear those books off the table? We've got to get dinner going.

Mom, I really don't want to break my concentration.

Why don't you guys go out for dinner?

Here's a couple of bucks.

Alex.

Don't worry, Mom. I'm just excited about the quiz off. That's all.

Oh, me too. In fact, this morning I dropped off my plans for the set at the

station. How did Daddy like them?

Well, he didn't have a chance to see them yet, but I know he's going to love

ideas. All right, Jennifer. Hit me with a literature question, please.

Okay, but this is the last one.

In Act 5, Scene 5 of Macbeth, Macbeth reflects on the nature of life.

Quote the passage exactly.

That's a tough one. Give me a second.

Oh, hi, gang.

Hey, Alex. How you doing today?

Life's but a walking shadow. A poor player that throts and frets his hour

the stage and then it's heard no more. It is a tale told by an idiot full of

sound and fury signifying nothing.

He seems a little depressed.

He's practicing for the tournament final.

What did you think of my set design?

Well, it's a little elaborate, isn't it? I was thinking more along the lines of

the kind of set we used last year.

Well, last year's set was so dull.

Well, maybe.

It's hard for me to talk about the plans without having them in front of me. Too

bad I left them at the office.

Good luck. I happen to have an extra copy right here.

What a break.

I'll get that.

Hello.

Just a second. Alex, it's for you.

Yellow.

Oh, hi, Ted.

What?

What do you mean you can't make it Sunday?

104 temperature.

So what?

It's not even life -threatening until it gets up to 105.

You can make it, Ted.

Come on.

Ted.

Oh, I'm sorry, Doctor.

You know, I didn't mean to excite him.

Listen. If Ted regains consciousness, could you have a... Hello?

Great. Just great. Ted Quinn can't make the finals on Sunday. Why not?

I don't know.

Some gibberish about infectious pneumonia.

Now our team is a man short.

What about your friend Susan Aronson? She's very bright.

No good, Dad. She's in the 11th grade.

Each team must consist of one player from the 10th, 11th, and 12th grades.

am I going to find an incredibly bright, informed, quick -thinking 10th grader

by Sunday?

Alex, I know we don't usually get along, but it hurts me to see you in a

desperate situation like this.

I'm in 10th grade. I'm willing to be on your team.

Maybe if we set Ted up in a glass booth, he wouldn't...

You?

Yes, her.

Alex, what is it? Do you think you're the only one in this house who's

interested in an academic challenge?

Yeah, I love academic challenges.

Besides, it's going to be on television.

An exchange student from Brazil is pretty bright. Dad, by any chance, could

ask some of the questions in Portuguese?

I'll adapt.

Okay, okay.

Petey. One more question.

Grover Cleveland.

was elected to the presidency twice, in 1884 and again in 1892.

Who was Cleveland's Secretary of the Treasury during his second term?

I

don't

think this is going to work out. I mean...

Let's face it, most of the questions are going to be in English.

Eu compreendo, Alex.

Nice try, pal. É, nada que.

É, que sera, sera.

Ciao. Ciao.

Jennifer.

Yes? Bring in the next guy, please.

Um, he was the last one, Alex.

Oh, he can't be. There's got to be at least one qualified kid in the 10th

There are plenty of smart kids, but none of them wanted to be on the team with

you. I can't understand that. I merely asked them to comply with a few simple

rules.

Alex, you wanted them to loot you.

I'm the captain of the team, Jennifer. These kids have got to learn to respect

authority.

So what are you going to do now?

I don't know. I don't know. I've got to think.

I'm sorry, Elise.

So it's resistant to my ideas.

I'm not resistant to your ideas, Elise, but I just don't think theater in the

round is what we want to do here.

Are you saying you don't like it?

I'm not saying that.

You do like it.

I'm not saying that.

I'm saying this is a high school quiz show, not My Fair Lady.

My Fair Lady.

That's it.

The quiz will be like My Fair Lady.

Well, we've got the set for it. No, no, no, you don't understand.

What I've got to do is find my Eliza Doolittle.

A 10th grader who knows virtually nothing about anything.

An empty vessel that I can fill with my knowledge, my insight, my wisdom.

Someone whose mind is a total blank.

A clean slate.

Come in the kitchen.

I'm trying to make a snack. I forgot how the blender works.

Mallory.

All right, Mallory.

Let's turn to the next question.

Alex, we've been doing this for hours. I'm getting tired.

She needs her rest.

Jennifer, I don't think you fully appreciate what an enormous task I've

undertaken here.

I'm taking a simple peasant girl whose greatest prior achievement

was coordinating her eye shadow with her sweater, and I'm turning her into

someone, someone who could have a conversation with me.

You're going to have to give her more incentive than that, Alex.

Alex, let's just get this over with. You're getting a little too pompous,

for you.

Okay.

Now, we went over this one yesterday.

It's a geography question.

At the southern tip of Chile lies a body of water named for a famous explorer.

Name this body of water.

Uh, a body of water, right?

Name for the famous explorer.

Come on, now.

Southern tip of Chile?

The Hudson River.

That's not right.

No, it's the Straits of Magellan.

You guys are still at it? It's so late.

I'm glad you're here. We need your help with another dry run. We've had five dry

runs in the last two days, Alex. Just one more. We're at a turning point here.

Mallory actually named all the cabinet members.

That was me, Alex.

Okay, okay, we need to work. Please, Mom, Dad, do it for Mallory. Well, maybe

for a few minutes. Great.

Okay, uh, Elisa.

And Jennifer, sit over there representing one team. Mallory and Alex,

And I'll stand here.

Maybe you should stand in a chair, Stephen.

Why? Because according to my revised, revised plan, the moderator's podium is

elevated.

Yeah, well, look, I'm not quite sure we're going to be doing it that way, at

least. Why not?

Well, there are a variety of factors involved.

Could you guys discuss this later, please?

I mean, it's getting late.

It's very important that Mallory gets some sense of what the actual tournament

will be like. Okay? Dad, go ahead.

Okay. First question in the area of mythology.

Mythology. Great. You're good at this. Remember I showed you the pictures? They

get a guy with the wings on his feet.

I remember.

Okay. Who was Romulus' twin brother?

I don't know that one, Mom. Do you?

Yes.

Would you like to share it with us?

I'm not answering.

I have designed six perfectly good sets for the show, and I don't understand why

your father refuses to use any of them. At least I thought you were going to

design a very simple set. Most of our viewers will not have 3D glasses.

Mom, Dad, please.

We're on television here.

Now it goes over to Harding High.

Who was Romulus' twin brother?

Uh... Uncle Remus.

Not Uncle Remus, just Remus.

Well, I'll bet he was somebody's uncle.

I mean, if Romulus had kids, then Remus would be an uncle, wouldn't he?

I suppose he would have, yes.

All right, then he was Uncle Remus.

Maybe we practiced enough for one day.

Anyway, I have some other plans we can look over, Stephen.

Actually, you can never practice too much.

Stephen. Okay.

Okay, now how about interlocking plexiglass platforms?

They can be powered hydraulically. Okay, we'll talk plexiglass.

Okay, Mallory, let's drill a little more.

Alex, I'm tired.

Just a couple more questions. Now, what do the letters in the acronym SCUBA

stand for?

Well, it's kind of like skin diving, isn't it? Yes.

Yes. It is. Now, what do the letters stand for? We've gone over this before.

Self -contained underwater breathing apparatus.

What did you say?

Self -contained underwater breathing apparatus.

Again?

teams, aren't you? Uh -huh. The Harding team. Great. Good luck.

Thanks. We're the guys that won the tournament last year.

Really? How exciting.

This year we're the judges.

Really? Yeah.

I'm sort of the head judge.

Well, I'm the co -head judge. Well, I'm the alternate head judge.

Well, it's nice to meet you all.

I'm so nervous.

Hey, don't worry. You'll do fine.

I hope so.

Mallory. Mallory, I've been looking all over for you. What are you doing talking

to these clowns?

Alex, these clowns are the judges.

Hi. How you doing? I'm Alex Keaton.

Nice jacket.

Like the tie, too.

I'll probably be back in style again real soon.

Why didn't you tell me there were the judges?

You didn't give me a chance.

Yeah, well, forget it, forget it. We've still got a couple minutes. Let's go

over a few things here. Have you memorized the Greek alphabet yet? No.

Never mind, never mind. Name the four galaxies closest to the Milky Way. Alex,

stop it. You're making me more nervous. I've been studying as hard as I can.

Just leave me alone now.

Alex, Mallory, come on. Take your places. We're about to start.

Come on, girls. Get over here and take your places.

Hurry up.

Yeah, great.

Hey, everybody, just relax and try to forget you're on TV.

Make believe nobody's watching, you'll be fine.

Okay, let's go. Count it, Andy.

Five, four, three, two... Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I'm Stephen

Keaton, the station manager here at WKS, and I'd like to welcome you to the

final round of WKS High School Quiz -Off.

Let's meet our two teams.

On my right, we have the finest minds of St. Mary's High School, Mary Catherine

Robbins, Mary Beth McAllister, and Mary Margaret Dunn.

And to my left, the top minds of Harding High School, Grover Garver,

Mallory Keaton, and Alex Keaton.

Our judges are the champions from last year from East High School. Now let me

remind you that the decision of the judges is final.

And now let us begin.

The first question.

It's easier to answer the question when you know what the question is.

I'm quite certain I'll know it, Mr. Keaton.

Let's begin again.

Who was the last U .S. president to be born in a log... cabin?

St. Mary's.

James A. Garfield.

Correct!

Now.

Born November 19th, 1831 in Cuyahoga County, Ohio.

He was shot by Charles J. Gouteau July 2nd, 1881.

It was a Wednesday. Very good. Mr. Gouteau was wearing... That'll be

Mary Margaret.

Okay, next question.

There's a body of water at the tip of southern Chile that's named for the

man to circumnavigate the globe.

What is this body of water? Alex Keaton, Harding High. The body... To the

camera. Right, to the camera. The body of water.

Five seconds, Harding.

Freaks of math.

Ma. Ma.

Anyone else on the Harding team?

Mallory Caton.

Straits of Massachusetts.

No, no, I'm sorry.

The correct answer was the Straits of Magellan.

Straits of Massachusetts is incorrect.

The judges say, close enough.

Wait, wait, wait. I'm sorry. Wait, wait, wait a minute. That's the wrong answer.

But as I said before, the decision of the judges is final.

Harding will get credit for that answer.

The score is tied 5 -0.

The next question.

What is the name of the military alliance between the Soviet Union and

Eastern Bloc nation?

Mary Margaret of St. Mary's. The Treaty of Moscow?

No, I'm sorry. The question now goes over to Harding High.

Alex Keaton.

Mallory Keaton, Harding High.

You're right. The correct answer is the Warsaw Pact.

What is the longest suspension bridge in the United States?

Grover? The Veradano Narrows Bridge.

Correct. Five points for Harding.

The question was already answered, Mallory.

Yes, I thought you might like to know what the second longest suspension

in the United States is. No, not really.

But apparently the judges do.

The Golden Gate Bridge.

Now it's all tied.

Here's another five -point bonus.

Question. How many bones in the human body?

That was very close. I don't think I can call it, judges.

Mallory.

Okay, Mallory.

How many bones are in the human body?

206.

27 in each hand, 26 in each foot. That's correct.

Now, the final question.

For ten points, which will decide the match, consider

your answer carefully.

Masters and Johnson are

known for their research in what

area? Mary Catherine.

for being with us. Good night, everybody.

Alex. Are you okay?

Hey, Alex.

Alex, come on. Alex! Straight to Magellan.

Are you okay?

Tom?

Dad, is that you?

Yeah.

What happened?

Nothing serious. You just had an attack of stage fright.

Alex, you should have seen yourself.

You look like a zombie.

You couldn't move. You couldn't talk.

I can't believe it.

This must be a nightmare.

All on videotape, Alex. You can see it for yourself.

Alex, she's exaggerating. It wasn't that bad.

How did the team do? Well, you lost, but not by much. Mallory was fantastic. She

answered questions in history, literature, biology.

You should be very proud of her.

We lost, huh?

Well, yeah, but Mallory... Okay, okay, if I'm not mistaken, we have 26 days to

file a complaint with the commissioner. We can say that the captain of the team

was incapacitated and we can...

It can't be over. We didn't win.

Excuse me, Mr.

Keaton.

My teacher said my answer to the crusade question is correct.

What's the difference, Mary Beth? Your team won.

We want to win by more.

Isn't it possible that your teacher is wrong?

I don't think so.

She really knows her crusade.

She'd like to talk to you.

Uh, I'll be right back.

I was so ready for this contest, Mom.

I knew everything there was to know.

Ask me any question.

Why are you like this?

No, no, general knowledge stuff. History, really.

Well, maybe not on this set.

Maybe you turned it into the Spanish Inquisition.

Spanish Inquisition, 1478 to 1834.

Pope Sixtus IV gave Tassin approval... See what you're doing?

I'm sorry, Mom.

Connie, you're pushing yourself too hard. There is a limit to how much a

being can accomplish.

You've got to slow down.

Mom, Dad needs your help. Those St. Mary's girls really have him on the

this mother to mother you don't look

so good alex excuse me i've been comatose for the past two hours i didn't

chance to freshen up can i talk to you for a second sure

on a scale of one to ten how obnoxious have i been to you alex i'm tired of

quizzes just talk to me in normal sentences for change okay

I guess this has been a pretty rough week for you, huh?

Good training.

If I ever have to stand up for questioning by the secret police, I'm

I was only doing it because I wanted our team to win the contest.

You know, Alex, sometimes I worry about you. You take everything so seriously.

You gotta learn to relax more.

Have you ever thought of spending a few weeks at a dude ranch?

Not really.

Why don't you just kick me or something every time I get out of hand?

Every time? There wouldn't be enough places to kick.

I'm sorry.

Eh. Come on, Alex. Let's go home.

You know, this has been one of the worst days of my life.

Yeah.

Why are you smiling?

I knew the answers, Alex. Maybe I'm smarter than I thought.

Maybe so.

What was the Fifth Amendment to the US Constitution?

I'd answer that, but I have the right to remain silent.

Sit, Ubu, sit.

Good dog.