Original subtitles

I bet we've been together for a million years.

And I bet we'll be together for a million more.

Oh, it's like I started breathing on the night we did.

And I can't remember what I ever did before.

What would we do, baby, without us?

What would we do, baby? Without us And there

ain't no nothing We can't love each other through What would we do, baby

Without us Sha la la la

Lisa, I can't believe all this luggage. There shouldn't be more suitcases than

members of the family.

I'm not going to break this to you, Stephen, but these are Mallory's. Ours

still upstairs.

Okay, ready to go.

Let's hit those slopes.

Mallory, where are your skis?

Skis? Why would I bring skis? It's a ski trip.

Oh, that's the outdoor part, Mom.

Let's not forget the great indoors.

Parties, boys, games, boys.

I'll get your skis.

Are you going to ski with me this year, Alex?

No way, Jennifer. I tried skiing with you last year and it didn't work out.

I'll stay on the bunny slope with you this time.

I promise.

You said last year, and then as soon as we got up there, you dragged me off to

Dead Man's Gulch.

Why do you always have to ski the top?

Because it's there.

Okay, this should do it.

Everybody grab a bag or two and let's...

Good to me.

Maybe we could open up a few Christmas presents early. Now you're talking my

kind of Christmas.

I don't know. I'm against it.

Tradition says you don't open presents until Christmas morning.

Hey, does that be blue one for me?

Keep your tiny little hands off that. That's my present to Mom.

Stephen, I want you to open this one first. It's for me to you. Well, really,

it's for the whole family.

I missed my guest's brand -new camera to go along with it.

No, no camera.

Oh, just an album, huh? No camera?

Just the album.

Don't you remember we said we were going to be creative this year and make gifts

instead of spending a lot of money Christmas shopping?

I know we said it. I just didn't know we meant it.

Hey,

Peace Corps pictures.

I'd rather have a trash compactor.

Where'd you dig these up? Well, that's...

from the time that we met until the present. Oh, thank you, honey. That's

sweet.

Hey, look, there's one of Alex as a baby.

Why is he wearing a tie?

It's a bee.

Alex wearing bee?

I want this one enlarged.

Hey, look.

It wasn't my choice to be born in Africa.

Me too.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Are you okay?

Yeah, is it hot or is it just me?

Oh,

109. It's just you.

Did you have him to hear the weather forecast for tomorrow?

I did, Elise.

It's going to cool off a little tomorrow.

They say the old mercury will be dipping down to about 105.

should be about minus 14.

Is this at least a record -breaking drought we're living through?

No, there was a longer one last year.

In fact, this is still last year's drought.

Sorry I brought it up.

Shouldn't talk about it. The more I talk about it, the more it bothers me.

You're right. Let's not bring up the drought again.

Dry enough for you?

I'm sorry, Elise. The drought is really starting to get to me.

It's not just me, either.

I saw a camel buying an airline ticket.

Look, look, Max, it's not that bad. And don't forget, tomorrow the villagers are

doing that big rain dance.

I'm glad you told me I was going to wash my car.

Look, we can't let them go through with this rain ceremony, can we? Why not? It

sounds fascinating.

No, it's ridiculous.

Look, I want to see the end to this drought as much as the next man, but...

We can't have the people going off and performing some crazy ritual that

perpetuates superstition and fear.

Why not?

Gives me the willies.

There's something to be said for their way of life as it is now. You know, they

live in harmony with nature. They have a close, intimate connection to the land.

You can't take that away and just give them a toaster oven and an alarm clock

and return.

How about we throw in some flashlights? Some of those guys get a big kick out of

that stuff.

Can I ask you a personal question, Lex?

Yeah, sure.

Why did you choose Africa as the place to do your Peace Corps service?

I didn't. My first choice was Miami Beach.

I mean, why did you join at all?

Oh, um... It was Kennedy's speech, I guess.

It really inspired me.

It made me ask not what my country could do for me.

But rather, ask not what my country... have done.

Could do. Or I could do.

Oh!

Hey, it's a tough speech to remember.

Here comes the baby scream.

Oh! I want to take that as a yes.

Max, can we go get Dr. Ellis, please? Sure.

Okay, honey, hold on. I'm coming.

You know, I think I remember it now. It's ask not what your country... No!

You okay?

It's fine. I'm just a little nervous. Okay, okay.

Just relax.

Try to take your mind off this.

Oh, okay.

So, uh, read any good books lately?

Oh! Forget books.

What about movies?

We haven't seen a movie in ten months, Stephen.

Do you realize what's going to happen?

We're going to have a baby.

I know.

It doesn't feel real.

It does from here.

It's raining!

Come on out here!

I'm busy, Steven!

Oh, it's a miracle!

Oh, let me have a sip of your sleeve.

I'm gonna be a mother, Elise.

I mean, we're not both gonna be a mother.

One of us will be the mother.

The other one will be the father.

I'll be the mother, okay?

I don't want to be the kind of father who says, do this.

Don't do that. Eat all your peas.

Eat all my peas.

I think we should treat him or her as an autonomous individual.

A unique personality.

A one and only. What?

Please shut up.

You look beautiful.

So do you.

What a day.

Let's try to remember every detail.

I don't think it'll be easy to forget.

So what happened next?

I don't remember. Do you, Liz? No.

Well, of course I remember. Dr. Ellis came in and pretty soon Alex was born.

Made a pretty big hit over there, too. Everyone thought he was so cute.

Must have been the heat.

Where are Max?

He lives in Miami Beach.

Runs Max's Kosher African Deli.

Closed on Saturdays and Nigerian bank holidays.

Boy, am I glad I was born right here in the USA.

I'd hate to think I started life someplace where they'd never heard of a

clearance sale.

Oh, no. When you were born, there were other problems.

There's one.

Well, Mrs. Keaton, you are definitely in labor.

Lucky for you, I majored in labor relations.

See, that's the play on the word labor.

It's a joke.

I know it's a joke. I didn't think it was funny.

I won't belabor it.

That's one, too.

No, it isn't.

Nurse, could you ask Mr. Keaton to come in, please?

You're in the very earliest stages of labor. I think it's going to be a while.

How long do you think?

Your guess is as good as mine.

Yours is supposed to be better.

Is everything okay, doctor?

Well, I've got this pulled muscle in my leg, but other than that, I'm fine.

Now I see why you two get along.

What do you two do for laughs?

Oh, I see what you do for laughs.

Why don't I start all over?

I'm Dr.

Waxman. Stephen Keaton. Nice to meet you. Your wife is doing just fine. Oh,

great. Wait a minute.

Wait a minute.

Stevie Keaton?

Camp Cuyahoga, right?

Hey, don't you remember me? I'm Larry Waxman.

Larry Waxman?

Crazy, Larry!

Ready? Ready.

We'll be going to Cuyahoga when we go. When we go. When we get there, we'll be.

It's just that I don't get to sing that song too often. You can sing anything

you want tomorrow.

You can record it tomorrow.

No.

Steve, I want you to know this baby stuff is easy. You've got nothing to

about it. It's a breeze, routine procedure.

You're going to pull through this just fine.

I know. My second baby.

Really? My first.

It seems to be okay. You feel all right, honey? Yeah, I'm fine. What about the

test? You don't need a test. You're pregnant, I'm sure of it.

Steven has a poly -sci finally in about 20 minutes. Oh. I can skip it. You can't

skip it. I can't leave here.

Steve, it's gonna be a while.

It could be hours.

It could be tomorrow.

I think you should go. I'd feel better if you did. I'll be fine.

You sure?

Yeah. Steve, you go take that final.

Cuyahoga guys don't skip finals.

All right. You sure it's okay?

I'm sure, baby. I'll be back just as soon as I can.

Hey, remember when they showed us the movie Psycho? Oh, sure. That's what made

me want to be a doctor.

Oh!

Oh!

Steven!

Nurse!

Crazy Larry!

I was delivered by a guy named Crazy Larry.

That explains a lot.

Did Dr.

Crazy hear you call for him, Mommy? Yeah, and the funny thing was, he turned

to be a terrific doctor.

How did you do on the poli -sci test, Dad?

Not too well. For name the Bolshevik leaders, I put Mallory if it's a girl,

Lennon if it's a boy.

I got partial credit.

Boy, it's coming down worse than ever.

Oh, great. Now we're going to be stuck here together.

I don't think stuck is the appropriate word, Alex.

Okay, trapped.

Dad, it's light flurries, that's all. We can make it.

I can't even see the car from here.

Dad, you don't understand.

Donny Hayes is up there waiting for me. His family went last night.

Mallory, you don't want your whole family to risk their lives just so you

meet Donny Hayes, do you? No.

Maybe Alex could drive me.

Maybe we can open up a... A few more presents if we're going to be in all

Good idea.

Okay. Merry Christmas, Mallory. Thank you, Jennifer.

Oh, that's great.

It's a very nice, woolen, all -purpose, practical gift.

It's a hat. I made it myself.

No kidding.

That's great. I wish I had a hat like that. You do.

Oh, I changed my mind. I love it.

Well, I think it's beautiful, Jennifer.

Thank you.

Well, I've got something that I'd like to give now.

It's for you, Elise.

Should I take it back? Don't you dare.

A flute! Oh, Stephen! I made it myself.

It's beautiful.

Mommy, I didn't know you could play the flute.

I've always wanted to learn.

Aren't there supposed to be holes in this?

I got a late start.

I'll give you the holes next year.

In a couple of minutes, they're going to be under the table.

Look, maybe you better tell us the story of when Jennifer was born.

Do you really want to hear it?

No, but it's probably the only way to stop the kissing.

Dr. Carroll, surgery, please. Uh -huh. This is interesting.

Childbirth can be described as four stages.

Defacement, dilation, transition, and expulsion.

These stages are accomplished by the muscular action of the uterus called

contractions. Which stage are you in, Elise? I'm in pain, Stephen.

We're only on page 114. You shouldn't be in pain until page 156.

Turn to page 156.

Uh, pain.

They have discomfort. They don't have pain.

Write it in.

You know, most people don't cram for childbirth.

You see, she's way ahead of schedule. The baby wasn't due until next month. In

fact, we were on our way to vote when the contractions started.

Yeah, I really think we should have voted first.

I know what you mean. I think it's going to be a very close election, and our

votes could have put McGovern over the top.

Well, I just came from an X in victory party.

Does that give you any clue?

A little early to tell, isn't it?

Well, there's 1 % of the vote in, and McGovern's losing by a 6 to 1 margin.

1 %? What can you tell from that?

It's McGovern's hometown.

Shouldn't we get her into the delivery room? A delivery room's bound to open up

in a few minutes. We're very busy today.

Oh, oh, I'm sorry. Should we come back next week?

Sarcasm is not called for.

Now I need some information.

Name? Oh, Jennifer if it's a girl, David if it's a boy.

Not the baby's name, sir. Oh, sorry.

Stephen Keaton.

Not your name, the patient's name.

Please, Keaton!

Thank you.

Leave it four more years with that guy?

Hey, Dad, did you hear the good news?

Yeah, Alex, we heard. We're very happy for you.

Guess all my hard work paid off.

Yeah, I think that last -minute mailing you sent out had some effect.

Sir, if those are your children, they must wait in the waiting room.

That's how the room got its name.

I know, that's what they were. Why don't you go on back now?

How are you feeling?

Truman Shepard had puppies.

She had eight, and you're only going to have one.

It's not the same as a dog having puppies.

Is that why you're not having it in the garage?

Dr. Hanson, report to obstetrics, please. She's about eight centimeters.

check on her delivery room.

Hi, Dr. Rogers, even.

Hi, Elise. How are you feeling?

Great. I don't think you've met Alex and Mallory. Hi, kids.

Hi.

Well, birth is a wondrous event, isn't it, kids?

The mystery of nature's miracles.

You must have a lot of questions about all this.

Yeah. How much do you make a year?

Alex, you were just leaving.

Right.

Now, Alex, you look after Mallory, and we'll be back just as soon as we can,

we'll have a brand -new baby brother or baby sister for you to play with.

I'm hoping for a brother.

I think I'd rather have a German shepherd.

Don't worry, Elise. We'll get you into a room in a minute.

How you doing?

Well, she started having some discomfort about two hours ago. We were in the

kitchen. That is, the kids and I were in the kitchen. Elise was upstairs getting

dressed. See, this is totally unexpected.

Not the baby, but tonight.

We haven't had a chance to vote.

The election's over, Stephen.

See that?

Irritability. She's right on schedule.

What comes after irritability? Let's try another breathing technique.

The one where you go like this.

They say you should do it in 4 -4 rhythm.

To the tune of Yankee Doodle.

Really, Lisa, it's in the book. Here, look for yourself.

I'll give it a try.

Delivery room 4 is free now.

Let's go.

Okay, you're doing great, Elise. Now, during the next contraction, I want you

resist the urge to push.

It says here that to avoid pushing, you should relax and blow out as hard as you

can. That doesn't sound too tough.

Why don't you try it sometime?

Good.

Two.

Slow it down.

Good.

Easy.

That was perfect.

I can't believe how well you're doing.

It's over the bed just now. Oh, well, thanks. But there's nothing to it.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, there must have been some kids.

Okay, Lee, start pushing.

Push, push.

Good, good.

Oh, hey, I can see the baby's head.

It's a burger.

I can't tell from the head. I don't see any ponytails or anything.

Okay, good.

Push. Good.

Push. Good.

There you go.

You have a baby girl.

All right.

And then you opened your mouth and let out a big scream.

We haven't been able to shut you up since.

Yeah, it was really terrific having your daddy in the room with me, too. He was

such a big help.

So, Alex wanted Nixon.

Mallory wanted a puppy.

What did you want, Daddy?

Me?

I just wanted one thing.

A healthy, beautiful child.

And that's what I got. Three times.

I'm a very lucky man.

Well, hey, as parents go, you two aren't so bad.

Thank you.

Dan, here's a present from us kids. We didn't exactly make it, but... But we

worked hard to earn some extra cash.

And now that Ron's got inflation under control and our dollars are worth more,

we thought we'd stimulate the economy by buying an expensive American product.

However, we ran out... A little short in the liquid assets department. What he

means. His mom's put up the risk for the money.

Well, that's another way of saying it.

Merry Christmas, Dad.

Oh, hey.

Oh, this is great. It's that new car. Oh, this is really fantastic.

Oh, thanks, everybody.

It's all loaded and ready to go, too.

I am so glad it snowed so hard. I've had such a good time looking at these old

photographs. Yeah, remembering all the glory years when I was still an only

child.

Do you still see Crazy Larry?

We visit him on weekends.

You know, this could turn out to be the best Christmas ever.

You're right, Dad.

And it's a really special night.

Christmas is a time for sharing those moments that are more precious than any

material gift.

It's a time which renews our spirits and makes us aware of the beauty that

surrounds us and of the beauty within us.

Jennifer, that's really lovely.

Yeah, but it's more effective with the wings.

Wings?

I'm a part of my school play. Remember?

I was a Christmas angel. You played an angel?

It was either that or stick a tree branch on my head and be a reindeer.

Okay. Everybody in front of the tree. I'm going to take a Christmas portrait.

I've got a timer on this thing. Okay.

Oh, what a great... Oh, get down.

Get in place.

Oh, everybody looks great. Get down. Right there.

Okay. Great.

Okay. Come on, Dad. I'm here. I'm here. I'm here. Good. Wow.

What's happening?

Give me just a second.

I can get it.

All right.

One more time. Just give it a little more time.

All right.

Everybody say Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas.

Sit, Ubu, sit.

Good dog.