Original subtitles

I bet we've been together for a million years.

And I bet we'll be together for a million more.

It's like I started breathing on the night we kissed.

When I can't remember what I ever did before.

What would we do, baby, without us?

What would we do, baby? Without us And there

ain't no nothing We can't love each other through What would we do, baby

Without us Sha -la -la -la

I can't believe this. Is that the fastest he can count votes? Alex, will

relax? I can't relax.

Being editor is important to me. You're going to be the new editor. I can feel

it. How can you be so sure?

You ran unopposed.

I didn't vote for him.

How'd you mark your ballot?

Not him.

Thanks for your confidence.

All right, everybody. Let me have your attention, please. Here are the results

of today's election.

In the balloting for editor, Alex Keaton, 21, not him, 17.

I give you the new editor of the Harding Hurrah, Alex Keaton. Congratulations.

And thanks to all of you for giving me this opportunity.

The history of journalism is as old as the history of history itself.

Since the invention of movable type in the middle 15th century... It

sounded great, Alex. It's too bad that bell cut you off like that.

Mr. Winkler, you want to hear the rest of my speech? Well, it's just a matter

of... Well, how can I phrase this?

No, I don't want to hear it.

You know, I have got some big plans for this paper.

I'm going to put the Harding Herald on the map. The name of the paper is the

Harding Hurrah.

Oh, yeah, well, that's the first thing. We gotta change that.

It's not a real dynamic name, you know?

None of the big city papers have that name. There's no New York Hurrah or

Detroit Freehouse. Alex, let me give you some advice, will you?

We got a good little paper here.

Don't rock the boat.

Good little paper?

Mr. Winkler, last year's biggest story was Math Team Gets New Sweatsuits. Yeah,

it was an exclusive, Alex.

I'm still getting letters on that one.

There's a choice to be made here, Mr. Winkler. We can continue trudging along

with feet of clay printing unimportant drivel, or we can reach out for

immortality.

Which would you rather do?

Stick with the drivel.

Did you really mean what you said about printing serious stories?

You bet I did.

Well, what if I told you that I've been assigned to work part -time in the

principal's office and I have access to everything that comes in there?

I'd say the principal is crazy.

But I'd tell you to keep talking.

Okay, if I do, you gotta promise not to let on how you found out.

Hey, when you drilled that hole in the girl's bathroom, did I tell anyone?

You told everybody.

Okay, but I was an editor then. Okay, how do the words... Scandal and cover

sound to you.

Beautiful. Then listen to this. I'm sure you're aware that our high school has

the highest grade point average in the district.

Yeah, and it comes down to the category of unexplained phenomena.

And how we achieved that, Anna?

By cheating.

Ralph Rappaport got a hold of a copy of the algebra final and 27 students were

caught buying it.

Principal is sitting on the story because he doesn't want to lose his

rating.

This is fantastic.

I mean, it's terrible.

Let's just be glad it happened here.

I got a lot of stuff on this in my locker. I got a memo from the principal.

got copies of the... With the names, Howie. We need names.

I don't think you need names, Alex.

No, you could do the story without names.

Yeah, well, of course we could do the story without them, but I think names

would really spice it up.

Alex, one of those names is the same as yours.

Alex Friedman is on that list?

Not the same first name.

The same last name.

Mallory, that's the one.

Want to go out and kick around the soccer ball?

Jennifer, that would involve three of the things I most despise. Dirt, sweat,

and the possibility of breaking a nail.

Guess we won't be seeing you on the cover of Sports Illustrated.

Taylor, do you want to go practice soccer with me?

No, last time I practiced with you, I was black and blue the next day.

I'll take it easy on you this time.

Okay, just go on ahead outside and start without me. I'll be there in a minute.

You promise?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just go on outside, okay?

Don't humor me, Alex.

Listen, Mallory, I have to talk to you about something.

Can't wait, Alex. I'm really busy.

Well, it's kind of important.

I found out about the algebra test. I know you cheated on it.

How'd you find out? Nobody's supposed to know about that.

Hey, I happen to be editor of the Harding Herald. It's my job tonight.

Well, Alex, you haven't told anyone, have you?

No.

Good. Whatever you do, don't tell Mom and Dad, okay?

Okay. In fact, don't tell anyone, because they could tell their parents,

then they could tell Mom and Dad.

Okay.

So you keep this absolutely quiet. You won't tell anyone at all.

Okay. I can go along with that, except for one minor exception.

What? It may be the lead story in tomorrow's school paper.

What? Are you crazy?

Mallory, the principal is covering up a scandal here, and I think the people

have a right to know about it. Alex, you can't print that.

Can't print what?

Oh, it's a story about the football team.

Which is it?

The football team.

It's a prom for the football team.

Why are they having the prom in November?

Beat the June rush.

It's a practice prom. If it works out, then they'll have the real one in June.

Okay, that's not what it's about.

There's a big story brewing at school, and I don't know whether or not I should

print it.

What's it about?

Well, I'm not sure you need to know what it's about. You definitely don't need

to know what it's about.

Well, what's the problem then? The problem is I have a story that'll shake

entire school district to its very foundations.

Well, that doesn't seem like a problem necessarily.

But if I print it, some people might get hurt. Some innocent, defenseless

people. Aha, I see. Well, we certainly don't want that to happen, do we? I

understand we don't want to hurt people's feelings, but isn't there a

responsibility to be served here?

That's definitely true. Whose side are you on, Dad?

I'm not on anybody's side. I hardly know what we're talking about. Dad, the

details aren't important here. The issue here is this.

If there's important information being covered up by people in high places,

isn't it the responsibility of a journalist to uncover it? Absolutely.

It's important for the press to keep an eye on the people in power to make sure

they don't abuse it. A good example is when Woodward and Bernstein exposed

Watergate. Your mother's right. There is no higher standard in journalism than

truth. What if the truth embarrasses people?

Well, that's sometimes an unfortunate consequence.

Alex, whether or not you print the story is ultimately your decision.

As I look back over the history of journalism, I could point to countless

dilemmas of this nature. But just remember, ever since the invention of

type in the middle of the 15th century... A

word from Winkle?

Yeah, he's still reading it. Go to press in 20 minutes. He doesn't know I gave

you the story, does he?

Yeah, he knows. The byline is, by Alex Keaton, as told to him by Howie Samuel.

I've got to admit, Alex, I never thought you'd have the guts to write it.

Thanks. It's not a compliment.

But I don't care what you say, Alex. I think Winkler's doing a fine job.

Oh, hello, Mr. Winkler. Howie, would you excuse us for a minute, please?

Certainly. Take more than a minute if you like.

Alex, I read your story on the cheating scandal.

Very well done. Thanks. Excellent reporting.

Great. I think your documentation is flawless.

Your conclusions are well thought out. Wow.

It's a pity we can't print it. Perfect.

What do you mean, can't print it?

This is a private matter between the principal and the offending students.

I don't think it's our place to interfere, and I know he doesn't want

publicity on it now.

This is a major news story.

The public has a right to know. Not in this case. Alex, let me tell you

something. The principal of a high school is always right.

If Dr. Schulte believes that the world is flat, which he does, by the way, then

the world is flat.

Do you understand what I'm saying?

Yeah, but that's censorship.

Just what kind of things do you want us to print?

Well, that story about the sweatsuits was interesting.

Did you hear that?

I can't believe it.

He's scared the principal could get mad and punish him.

You don't think he'd fire Mr. Winkler, do you? He'd do worse.

Last year when he got mad at Mr. Peabody, he made him teach sex education

kids with behavior problems.

It's not easy talking about the birds and the bees when someone's throwing a

hubcap at you.

If I sit on this story, I'm going to be just as guilty as the kids who cheated.

What are you going to do?

I'm going to print it.

Aren't you forgetting that Mallory's on the list?

Howie, I'm not forgetting.

Crude is the highest standard in journalism.

Like I said, print it.

Morning, everyone.

Hey. Hey.

What's the story?

Maybe I should have phrased that differently. I don't think it would have

helped. What's going on, Howie?

Let me put it this way.

If you were ever thinking of leaving school and joining the circus, now would

a good time.

I don't understand. Why are they mad at me?

They think you're a fink.

But I was exposing a cover -up. The cover -up's not the point.

It's the people who are underneath the covers. You listed every person's name.

Now their teachers have to look at them like they're cheaters, and the principal

has to suspend them.

Well, I never thought of it that way.

I expected Dr.

Schulte to be mad, but... He is mad.

He's madder than he was when Ralph Rappaport gave that speech to the PTA in

drag.

I'm afraid to ask this, but how did Winkler take it?

I'm not sure. He lost the power of speech after he saw the article.

I'm sure he's recovered it.

Alex!

Alex, I think you owe me an explanation.

Um, Mr. Winkler, I'm sorry I had to disobey you. I really am, but...

I felt it was my duty as editor to publish the story. As of this moment,

relieved of your duties as editor. You are through, Alex. I don't want you to

write for this paper anymore. Come to think of it, I don't even want you to

it. And I'll tell you something else.

If Shirley makes me teach sex education to kids with behavior problems, I'm

bringing you along as a model.

In answer to your question, Alex, I don't think he took it very well.

I've got to find Mallory. No, no, you think that's a good idea.

Mallory's my sister. I think she knows I had a good reason for doing what I did.

Mallory, I was just going to look for you. I want to talk to you about the

story. Don't talk to me, Alex, ever again.

How much did the circus pay?

Is this true, Mallory? Did you buy a copy of the test?

Actually, I didn't buy it. Ralph Rappaport gave me one for free. I think

likes me.

Hey, look, Mallory, this is serious. Don't you realize that?

A lot of kids did it. It didn't seem like that big a deal.

Well, it is a big deal, and I think you owe us more of an explanation.

Would you be happier if I failed the test?

We'd be happier if you failed on your own than if you got an A by cheating.

If you hadn't cheated, would you have failed the test? No.

You probably would have got a C.

No, a C is nothing to be ashamed of. Your father got lucky. Lots of C's when

was in school. That's right. If you... I wouldn't say lots of C's.

Occasionally, a C crept in. I don't remember exactly, but in college

think I had a 3 .248 average.

That's exactly what I mean.

Grades are important to you.

How would you feel if Alex came home with a C?

Alex wouldn't come home with a C. He'd still be there arguing with the teacher.

Alex wouldn't get a C because Alex doesn't get Cs. Why don't we leave Alex

of this? Well, I can't leave him out of it because he's part of it. What do you

mean?

You don't...

Are you sure you're Alex Keaton's sister?

Well, for once.

Just once.

I wanted to get a higher grade than him.

I didn't realize it was that rough for you at school.

I can't help it that I'm not as smart as Alex is. It's not my fault.

It's not that you're not as smart as Alex. You're not as motivated as Alex.

Napoleon wasn't as motivated as Alex.

But that doesn't mean you can't work harder than you do. We've talked about

before.

Yeah, it's funny.

I thought I'd be so happy to get an A in algebra.

But instead I felt ashamed.

I'm sorry I did it. I really am.

Well, we appreciate you realize that what you did was wrong.

While we have a lot of sympathy for what you said, it really doesn't excuse what

you did.

Your father and I will talk it over and figure out what to do about it.

Okay.

Mom, do we have another soccer ball?

What happened to the one you were playing with? I gave it to Mrs. Obeck

door. It was kind of a surprise.

It must have been. She's 61 years old.

I think the surprise was the way it was delivered.

Jennifer, you didn't break Mrs. Obeck's kitchen window again, did you?

No, I broke her bedroom window. How?

With the advance of my allowance that I'm about to ask for.

We'll talk about this later.

Right now, you'd better go apologize to Mrs. Obeck.

Okay, but I won't be back for a while.

Mrs. Obeck always makes me listen to Lawrence Welk records with you.

Hey, Alex, do you want to go over to Mrs. Obeck's with me?

No, I'm not really in the mood for Lawrence Welk, thanks.

I guess she told you, huh?

She's pretty upset, Alex. The whole school is upset. The kids hate me.

Winkler fired me.

The principal yelled at me for two hours.

And when he left the room for 20 minutes, he had the secretary come in

Was printing the story worth all that, Alex?

Dad, don't you remember what you said to me yesterday? You yourself said that

there's no higher standard in journalism than truth.

I was speaking in general terms, Alex. You're the ones who said that the press

has to keep an eye on the people in power. And Dr.

Schulte abused his when he tried to kill the story.

We're not concerned about Dr.

Schulte. We're worried about Mallory.

She's going to be suspended for a few days, and she's been embarrassed in

of the teachers and her friends.

Wouldn't it be hypocritical of me to pull this story because I wanted to

my sister?

Alex, when I spoke to you about the importance of truth, I left out

just as important.

Compassion. Compassion? How much compassion did you feel when Woodward

Bernstein exposed the Watergate cover -up? Did you feel sorry for Nixon?

Yeah, I felt sorry for him.

Okay, I admit, we had a few people over.

We may have opened a bottle of champagne.

Or two.

We sang some songs, but in between the dancing and the fireworks,

we all felt a twinge of sympathy for the man.

It's hardly a seminar in compassion.

The situations are not comparable, Alex. Nixon was a public official who

betrayed the trust of an entire country.

That's a matter of opinion.

These are kids who cheated on an algebra test. Now, I'm not saying that's right,

but it is not an impeachable offense.

What is wrong with you guys? There was a cover -up going on here. Alex, I think

you had another option. That's all.

What was that?

To print the story on the cover -up.

without including all the names.

I never wanted to hurt anybody.

That's me.

The Fink with you?

No, no Fink.

All right, come on in.

that'll cheer you up. Alex moved out?

No, not quite as good.

But he won the soccer game.

Congratulations.

I scored a goal with my head.

Dad, I'm really happy for you.

I also scored a goal with someone else's head.

If you don't mind, I'd like to be alone, okay?

Look, I know you're feeling low right now, but I just want you to know two

things. What are they?

Well, first...

I think you're a great sister.

You make me laugh.

You make me really feel like you really care about me. And you're fun to be

with. Thanks. And the other thing I want you to know is that Alex wants to talk

to you and he's waiting outside.

I should have stopped after the first one.

Can I come in?

No, go away.

Thanks for respecting my wishes.

Try to go easy on each other.

I don't want to be an only child.

Are those for me you're trying to make up or antagonize me? Come on, I didn't

have time to buy new flowers.

Besides, it's a thought that counts.

Couldn't you have just had the thought delivered?

Look, I know you feel bad about getting caught cheating.

It's embarrassing.

It's humiliating. It's shameful.

So far, this isn't the greatest apology I've ever heard.

Okay, I'm sorry.

Maybe I shouldn't have printed your name.

Or any of the names.

I was just so excited to be elected editor. I guess I just got carried away.

Yeah, you carried me away with you.

Why did you do it, Mallory?

If you were having trouble, you should have come to see me. I'm great in math.

That's the problem. You are and I'm not.

So I would have helped you.

You always laugh at me, Alex. No, I don't.

I may chuckle.

An occasional guffaw.

You don't realize how hard it is to be your sister.

I mean, a guy who's got a straight ace in sandbox.

You could have done better in sandbox, too, if you'd just applied yourself.

Look, maybe there's some kind of therapy group you can join for sisters of

geniuses.

Thanks a lot, Alan.

We both made mistakes, and we're both hurting because of them.

But I don't think it's going to do either of us any good to hate each

Maybe we should help each other instead.

How?

I could help you with your homework. Then you wouldn't have to cheat again.

What do you want me to do for you? Clean your room? Dust your calculators?

No, all I want you to do is be my friend. That's all.

I'd rather dust your calculators.

Come on, Mallory. I made a mistake.

Don't you think it takes a big man to admit that?

Evidently not.

Am I friends again?

Ow! You dug your nails into my hand.

Oh, did I? So sorry.

Come on, let's do your homework.

No, Alex, you're just gonna make fun of me. I am not. What are you studying?

Math. Wait, how'd you do on your last test?

I got an A.

All right, here's where we are now.

Good. Okay. Two trains leave Central Station at noon.

One's heading east, traveling at 82 miles per hour. The other one is

west at 67 miles per hour.

What kind of trains are they?

What do you mean, what kind of trains are they? That has nothing to do with

problem.

It's not important.

Okay. Okay.

Um, eastbound train stops three times for a total of one hour.

Now, the westbound is an express, and it doesn't stop at all.

So after six hours... Which train has traveled the furthest distance?

All right.

You ready?

Yeah, how many trains did you say there were?

I'm kidding.

How many?

Two.

Are they going east or west? It doesn't matter.

Of course it matters. Say your family lives in California and you're going

south. You don't want them to end up in Maine.

You're absolutely right. I don't know why I didn't say that.

Okay, now, the first train's going... 82, Mallory. Right.

Eighty... two.

And second train's going... 57.

Sit, Ubu, sit.

Good dog.