Original subtitles

Okay, this should do it.

You guys were only going for the weekend. Napoleon took fewer bags when

invaded Russia.

Well, we know what happened to him, don't we?

Are you meeting the Davises up there again? Yeah.

Why is it every time you go up to the lake, it's with them?

Well, it's tradition.

We met Ron and Suzanne when we were all on our honeymoons, and it's just kind of

nice to see them every year.

Kind of like an old -timer's baseball game, you know? You don't really

how to play, but you go through the motion.

All right, I think we're all set.

Well, I don't have any idea what Ron is bringing. I have to be ready for him.

Wait a minute. You're not going to get into that competition thing again, now,

you promise?

Of course not. We worked that out years ago. Now it's just friendly survival of

the fittest.

If you guys don't get going, you're going to get stuck and trapped. We're

We're going. You have the hotel phone number?

You wrote it down in every room, along with numbers from police, fire, doctor,

every neighbor in a six -mile radius, and our congressman. Sounds good. Ready

go, Elise?

Yeah, I guess so. As ready as I'm going to be, anyway.

Hold down the excitement level, dear. You don't want to peak too early.

I've got to admit, I'm kind of nervous about leaving the kids alone.

What's the matter?

You think we're babies?

No, no. It's just we've never left the three of you alone before.

Mom, don't worry about a thing. We're going to be fine. Remember, I'll be in

charge. Wait a minute.

I thought we were all in charge.

Isn't each of us responsible for his or her own life?

Jennifer. I appreciate existentialism, even in a nine -year -old. But Alex is

the oldest.

He's in charge.

Why don't we go by height instead?

Why don't we go by life expectancy?

Why don't you knock it off? Look, maybe it's not fair to leave Alex in charge.

Maybe we shouldn't go.

No, of course you should go. You two deserve this time together.

And you know the thing? The more I think of it, the more I... begin to realize

that Alex is an excellent choice to be in charge. Thank you both for suggesting

it. You have to lay it on so thick, Mallory. We're going. Okay.

Take care. Call if you need any help. Don't worry about a thing. We're going

be fine.

We'll all turn in early tonight. I'll probably read the kids a book first and

maybe make them some hot chocolate if we won't get them too excited.

I bet we've been together for a million years.

And I bet we'll be together for a million more.

It's like I started breathing on the night we kissed.

When I can't remember what I ever did before.

What would we do, baby, without us?

What would we do, baby?

Without us.

And there ain't no nothing we can't love each other through.

What would we do, baby, without us?

Sha -la -la -la.

Jennifer, Jennifer, what are you doing? Jennifer, what are you doing?

I'll bet Mommy and Daddy are taking a picture of there to show us.

I want to show them how we spend our weekend.

Uh, Jennifer, that's not a good idea.

You see, these two kids are involved in something very delicate. He's got

something in her eye, and he's trying to take it out.

Is that what you really think they're doing, Alex?

Yeah. I think we better have a little...

Anyway, Gene, nice party.

Hi, Eric.

Helen, Helen, I've got to talk to you. What is it? Don't look over my left

shoulder. I told you not to look.

You're going to give me whiplash. The boy over my left shoulder, is that who I

think it is?

I don't know. I'm not allowed to look. Okay, you can look, but don't be obvious

about it.

Now, is that or is that not Eric Morrison?

Yeah, that's him. You know Eric Borson. You didn't even tell me. Will you cut it

out? I'm going to end up in the hospital.

Introduce me to him.

I don't want to bother him. Alex, he's captain of eight varsity teams. He's

really cool. All the girls' parents hate him.

That is a good recommendation.

Yeah, all right. Maybe later. He's coming over here now.

Hi, Eric. How you doing, Keaton? Nice party.

Well, what have we here?

This is nobody, just my kid sister.

I'm Valerie Keaton. I'd like you to meet... I know who it is. You're Eric

Morrison, aren't you?

Yeah.

Kind of lucky for me, isn't it?

Hello.

That goes double for me.

Oh.

Well, I was going to get myself something cold to drink. Can I get you

something? I'd like a soda. Not you.

This is amazing.

I mean, it's really kind of scary. I was just thinking.

About a nice cold drink.

Must be on the same psychic wavelength.

Must be.

Hello, Eric.

Hey, Kate.

Hi, Albert.

Alex.

Whatever.

You know, this is really a terrific party, Keaton. You're a wonderful host,

really. Thanks. I'm glad you're enjoying yourself.

Oh, yeah.

The way I see it, my biggest problem right now is trying to decide which one

these girls will take for a ride in my new car.

Well, anything I can do to help, if you want me to screen a few of them for you.

I think I can handle it. But just remember, when you hear that horn go,

I'm on the ground.

Well,

here we go.

This isn't the kitchen hour.

She knows I like to drink my soda in the kitchen.

So, come here often?

You think the kids miss us as much as we miss them?

You want the truth?

Not necessarily.

Well, then I think they miss us terribly.

Thank you.

I am so glad that we're up here. Me too. I've got great things planned, Elise.

So do I.

I thought we'd start with a short jog for distance, then swimming, doubles,

tetherball, and ping -pong. That should get us warmed up for the volleyball

tournament. You're on vacation, not training for the Olympics.

You're right.

You're right. We'll skip the javelin.

I'm getting worried. Ron isn't even here yet, and already you're competing.

I'm not. I'm not. Well, you'll see. It's not like you're here with a couple of

kids. We're two mature adults.

Forgive me for being concerned, but if I recall your last words to Ron where I'm

taller than you are... Well,

I am.

I'm just kidding. We can have a great time without the competition.

I love their company. So do I. Oh, I wish they'd get here.

Yeah, we really beat them here, didn't we?

Steve! I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

I'll get the stuff put away.

Not that way, Elise. I moved our stuff into the other bedroom.

Why? Why? Because that room is 18 by 24 and our room is 18 by 26.

Stephen, no one in the world could tell the difference between those two rooms.

Oh,

I'm sorry we're late.

Mr. Shortcut thought the paved roads might slow us down.

I just want to try out the four -wheel drive vehicle.

You don't have a four -wheel drive vehicle, do you, Steve?

I'm sure he will by sundown.

Come on, come on in. First event, here we go.

Not that one.

Ron, you've got the other bedroom.

Sorry.

You know, Elise, I had a long talk with Ron on the way up here.

Lord knows we had the time for it.

I think that... competition thing will no longer be an issue.

Took the big room, didn't you, Keaton?

Hey, hey, hey.

I like fun as much as the next guy.

With these lights must remain on, house rules.

Hey, there's no reason we all can't have good, clean fun with the lights on,

okay?

Bet we can have more fun with the lights off, Albert.

Alex.

Oh, what the hell? There is an energy crisis.

Hello?

Dad.

Yeah, yeah, it's me, Albert. Alex.

What happened?

Noise? Um, no, I don't... Oh, oh, that's the TV. There's a commercial for

firecrackers.

You want to talk to Jennifer?

Just a minute. Jennifer.

Jennifer.

It's Mom and Dad. Now, you can talk, but don't let them know what's going on

here. Don't worry, no thing.

Hello, I'm fine, Daddy.

Hi, Mom.

Uh, nothing much.

I was just taking pictures with my new camera.

Nature stuff, birds and the bees.

Uh, well, you two must be in a hurry, so I'll just let you go.

Uh, Mallory, just a minute. Jennifer, where's Mallory?

She left.

She left. She couldn't have left.

She did.

With some guy.

What guy?

Your friend.

The guy with the... bedroom eyes.

Why didn't you stop him?

You're too fast for me, pal.

Uh, Mallory can't come to the phone right now.

No, she's, uh, insulating the attic.

Yeah, yeah, it's a surprise, but when you get home, you'll love it.

Okay, I will.

All right, bye -bye.

Alex, will you stop pacing? You're making me nervous.

When you have kids, you'll understand.

That's why I'm so upset.

You mean he's not a nice boy?

Let's just say he might not be a gentleman with Mallory.

You mean if he burps, he won't say excuse me?

Right, right. That's exactly what I mean.

You know I feel like it's your fault, don't you?

Yeah.

Alex, don't feel so guilty.

Jennifer, just let me feel guilty, all right? That's the way I'm supposed to

feel. In that case, you blew it with me, too.

You shouldn't have let me have a third bowl of peanut butter popcorn.

My stomach is killing me.

Is there anything I can do?

Could rub my tummy.

That's what Mommy always does.

Lift him up.

How's that?

Mommy usually rubs in circles.

Counterclockwise. Not bad.

But it still hurts.

I don't know what I was thinking having a wild party like that.

I mean, I'm supposed to be babysitting for you kids, not throwing orgies for

you.

What's the matter? Don't ask.

I try to be a responsible person, but sometimes the human side of me takes

You know what I mean?

I can't deal with it now, Alex.

Could you please sing to me?

Mommy always thinks it don't feel well.

The only song I know all the words to is the Star -Spangled Banner.

Don't sing that.

I'll have to stand up.

I don't know the words to anything else.

three. There's no one in the place except for you and me.

Set him up, Joe.

Alex! Valerie!

I'm glad you're up. You know... Up?

Of course I'm up.

Do you think I could sleep with you God knows where doing God knows what with I

know who?

I don't believe you.

You don't believe me.

Good night. Good night, Alex.

Oh, no, my dear. You're going to sit down right now and you're going to tell

exactly what you've been doing for the past two hours.

Alex, I don't have to tell you that. Good night. Good night.

Good night.

Good night.

Kidney. Hey,

come on. It's just a trophy.

Don't make such a big deal about it.

It just means that we're the best dancers at the resort. That's all.

It's just one resort.

And there may be dancers somewhere in the world who are better than we are,

they're obviously not at this resort this weekend.

But it's possible.

Personally, I thought the band quit a little early.

I was glad they stopped when they did. My feet were getting sore.

Really? Mine weren't. No one was walking on yours.

I was just trying to get you to dance a little faster. It was an up -tempo

number, and I thought we had a really good shot at winning.

You got a point total there, Steve.

Yeah, let's see. The dancing was worth 14, and you won the swimming

and Suzanne the golf.

driving for distance.

I told you that weight training was going to pay off for you.

Well, we caught the archery and the spelling bee, so for today, you guys are

up by 24.

Overall, we're still ahead by 134 points.

But the evening is still young.

So what's next, guys? Skate shooting?

Tag team wrestling? Or how about the old who can hold his breath longer and turn

blue first contest?

All right, go over those choices again.

Come on.

Just making a joke, Elise.

Some of us aren't laughing, Ron.

Okay, time for Monopoly. Places, everyone.

I'm the racing car. Uh -uh, my set.

I'm the racing car. Okay, I'm the thimble, then.

Go get my dice, Suzanne. They're in the top drawer.

I'm not getting your dice.

I'm tired of these games.

I'm tired of sharpening your spikes.

I'm tired of oiling your glove.

I'm your wife, not your equipment manager.

Ron, I'm going to bed now.

If you care anything at all for me, you better be right behind me.

I think under the circumstances, Steve, we better play the short game.

Ron, I think you better go talk to her.

Yeah, you're probably right.

I gotta get my dice anyway.

I'll set up the board.

Stephen! Then I can make up with my wife quicker than you can make up... Ron!

All right!

I don't know what happened to you.

I'm sorry, honey. I really wanted this weekend to be special for us. When you

say us, do you mean you and me or you and Ron?

Maybe we should stop coming here.

Look, I'm sorry.

I thought we could all come up and have a good time. I thought Ron and I were

past it.

Guess we're not.

You're a different person when you're around him.

I know.

It started on our honeymoon when they edged us in the newly -wed potato sack

race.

It's no fun coming up here anymore. And unless you and Ron can work this out, I

think this should be our last vacation with the Davises. You're right.

Ron and I have been acting like idiots, and it's going to stop.

Well, you've said that before.

I know, but I never realized how childishly we were behaving.

I'm really sorry.

Well, I guess I can forgive you.

I mean, how could I act like that here? Of all places, this is our honeymoon

spot.

Maybe I haven't been acting like it, but this place means a lot to me.

I know. It means a lot to me, too. Lots of memories, huh? Yeah.

I'm going to talk to Ron tomorrow.

You know, I think it's too early to give up on him.

You know, underneath it all, he's a very sensitive guy.

I'm sure he's capable of having a good time without competing.

Well,

that's one.

Mallory, I'd like to talk to you for a second.

Can you believe that?

I'm half out of my mind with Worry, and she's mad at me.

It's because you yelled at her. Of course I yelled.

I was concerned about her.

I know that, and you know that.

Don't you think you ought to tell her that?

Communication is so important in a relationship.

I heard that on Donahue.

I don't know how the bubble gum got in the oven. Mallory, I'd like to talk to

you. Alice, I have nothing to say to you. I'm going to go up and sort my

thoughts.

Remember, communication is a two -way street.

Listen, I'm sorry about the way I acted last night. I was way out of line.

You don't have to tell me anything you don't want to tell me. You're entitled

your privacy.

Thank you. So what happened last night?

Look, Eric's a smooth guy. A young kid like you must have been putty in his

hands. I was not putty in his hands.

Just what were you in his hands?

Mine on my own. I mean, I don't let a boy do anything I don't want him to do.

Should I take that to mean nothing happened? Oh, you could. Or you could

to mean that nothing happened that I didn't want to happen.

Okay.

Let's narrow down those options a little.

Do you realize how insulting you're being?

I mean, if I were your brother and you were my sister, you wouldn't be asking

all these questions.

If you were my brother, Eric wouldn't have been interested in you. He would

been interested in me.

And then you'd be standing here asking the exact same questions I'm asking you,

because then I would be the girl.

And I'll tell you something else, I wouldn't even have gone out with him.

So you believe in the old double standard, then, don't you?

No. No, I believe in a triple standard. One for girls, one for boys, and one for

sisters.

Eric, what are you doing here?

I came to give Mallory these flowers.

Yeah, well, my sister doesn't want your lousy flowers, and I don't even want her

to talk to you, so why don't you just go home?

Why don't you let Mallory decide if she wants to talk to me or not?

It's a good idea. After all, Eric came to see me, not you.

All right.

All right, Mallory, take the flowers. Take the flowers. I just want you to

one thing.

You're breaking your brother's heart.

Thank you for the flowers, Eric.

I don't want your lousy flowers. What are you doing here, anyway?

Well, actually, I came by to give you another chance. I mean, obviously, you

weren't thinking clearly last night. I mean, your biorhythms could have been

off.

You're not the kind of guy to hold a grudge.

What you are is an egotistical, conceited jerk.

I know you think you're charming, but personally, I think you're obnoxious.

I never want to see you again. In fact, I don't even want to see you now.

Out, out, out.

Okay, well...

hard feelings about this at all. Well, that makes one of us. Goodbye.

Um, Mallory, I think you gave me back the flowers. I got two more stops to

Well, I guess you really can take care of yourself.

It's about time you realized it.

He must have really had a horrible time last night.

It was unbelievable.

He kept feeding me these corny lines about how he can make me feel like a

I told him I'd feel a lot more like a woman if I weren't with such a little

Whoa.

I'll bet that made him back off.

No. Then he drove me up to the point, and that's where the wrestling match

started. I'll kill him.

You don't need to. I'd say it's about two more weeks before his bruises heal.

Anyway, I really am sorry about the way I acted.

I know.

You were just thinking of my welfare.

You were concerned.

You're overprotective, and you are yet.

I know what you were thinking, Alex, and I appreciate it. I really do.

Second floor's still there.

So, everything went okay, huh?

Oh, yeah. A little quiet, but bearable.

Things were fine. Great.

Never better. In fact, probably actually perfect.

Shame you couldn't have been here to see it.

Sit, Ubu, sit.

Good dog.