Original subtitles

How is this dump out of breakfast already?

The sun just came up.

I know. I can't live off weak coffee and the airplane peanuts I hoarded on the

flight out here.

You want some?

Thank you.

Wait a second.

Are you guys that Cedar Rapids improv troupe nobody's talking about? Oh, my

I'm being crazy.

You're Dobson Embed.

You guys smell something?

What? Is that Lovett's cologne?

Yeah, I'm detecting a hint of Jack Stone's asshole.

My feelings really hurt.

I'm so sorry, guys. I sent my intern to get all the breakfast food and bring it

upstairs. You have interns?

For being in first.

In a few weeks, Dobson, he'll be out of the race. You'll be back in D .C.

fetching coffee and, if you're lucky, filing blog posts about my coverage of

presumptive nominee.

In a few weeks, you'll be at Gold's Gym working as a towel boy.

I gotta go. I gotta take my rental Corvette to the next campaign stop,

Later, losers.

Corvette.

I don't know what Lovett's so happy about. His phone's going to die in an

What are you talking about?

You look like you robbed a genius bar.

Even better.

I stole all their chargers.

I love you.

Cream and two sugars?

Just the way I like it.

Hey, can I run the lead on my post by you?

Yeah, sure.

All right.

In an attempt to keep his campaign from falling into a nosedive, Governor John

Dobson will attempt to woo young voters today at Iowa A &M.

Nosedive's a little harsh. I'd amend it to revive his stalled campaign.

And woo?

Who woos anymore?

I woo.

People woo.

No, they don't.

Wish you were my editor.

If I was your editor, we'd just talk about friends episodes all day.

Oh, whatever.

We bust our asses to file stories and you're just writing a diary.

It's not a diary.

Dear diary, I hope today's the day.

The day I finally reach puberty.

I'm writing a book. Oh, is it a coloring book or a pamphlet?

My take is that Dobson's going to get a bump in the polls today. He's never

addressed college kids. I think he'll win them over.

Win over college kids?

Not until you use the Walkman. Yeah, he's stuck at 4 % and he's going to stay

there. Oh, hey, hey.

Are you on Grindr?

Yeah. Oh, that one. Kind of has a Mike Huckabee thing going for him.

That was a good thing.

Yeah.

Now you have to ask yourself, why is Iowa...

Such a special state.

I'll tell you why.

It's the fertility of the soil.

You know, when I was back in Newport in short pants and I was in school, I was

kind of a geology nut. He's a walking Xanax.

Why doesn't he talk about the Rhode Island economy, which is, you know,

Probably because if he did, our bosses would pay even less attention to him

they do now.

Always take marble for granite. A little geology joke there.

How many geology students do we have here today?

What is Sid doing back there?

A group of students found photos of Dobson in the 80s dressed as Geronimo

Halloween. They're saying he appropriates Native American culture.

How does she manage to pinpoint a sexier story every time?

So I had this dream last night about rocks.

Let's cruise around campus and find out where the party's at tonight.

We can't party tonight. We've got Dobson's fundraiser at the chop house.

Look, for once, we're not in a soybean field or a pig farm. Hey, we're on a

college campus with cheap beer and women open to experimentation.

I'm not waiting outside of a chop house for Dobson to walk by and give us a

thumbs up.

You know what? It may not be much for me and Iowa College Party, but it'll be

fun watching Noah out drink the locals.

Ooh.

Should we, uh...

Drawing or waking up?

Noah.

Reagan.

Everyone's so friendly here. It's like the first day of summer camp.

Every day.

So true.

Hey, do you think we would have been friends if we went to college together?

Woo! It is on, bitches. Party tonight at Pi Sigma Mu. That's my friend from when

I was at Michigan.

Cool story, bro.

Fall fling, day drinking, night drinking.

So what do you say? You losers down to get jacked up on jungle juice, make

horrible decisions? Down.

No, uh... Oh, ew. Don't worry, guys. I am not interested anymore.

I'm going to pass with our job to cover Dobson. Yeah, so cover this Dobson doing

a body shot of a sexy sophomore.

Sure. Yeah, I agree. I'm not too... Suit yourself, Nanny McPhee. Everyone else,

I will see you at 5 o 'clock.

Let's get lit.

Peace, bitches.

Ha -ha!

Love college.

You get an A. You don't.

You're wearing a tie to take out a fundraiser? You look like a student from

Hogwarts. No, it looks like you're taking communion at St. Jude's School

Boys.

Oh, is there anything else? Yeah, you look like you're going to an ice cream

social at a country club in 1957.

Just looking professional.

You should try some time. Oh, or maybe... Maybe you're getting dressed up

because you're going on a date.

Marissa has a boyfriend.

He's 1 ,500 miles away.

And here you are, out in the cornfield underneath the stars.

No way. Oh, come on.

Newsflash to Marissa. You are just a hoe in a different area code.

I don't even know what that means.

You're Marissa's whore.

And we're in a different area code than we typically are in.

Really? Didn't get that?

How do you not get that? Can you guys help me?

Absolutely not. Take that shit off.

Hang on, Quinn.

Hey. What's up?

Whoa. I'm going to the prep party. Are you coming?

If you are, don't wear that.

What? No, I'm going to the Dobson fundraiser. Come on. I thought you

hang with us. We're in a college town.

Farm boys?

Wrestlers? How many wrestlers?

What's your name by a wrestler?

That sounds fun, but I have a boyfriend, and I need to do my job.

Whoa. You never stop.

What does that mean?

No. It's good. I get it.

You walk the straight and narrow.

Well, I'm in Iowa to cover daps and not go to frat parties.

Totally.

Have fun at your event. I'll miss you.

Stop denying yourself.

Give in to the pure physical chemistry. Unleash the passion. Easy there, E .L.

James. Hey, if you don't make a move, you're going to regret it later, man.

Look, if there was a world where she and her legendary boyfriend broke up, would

I make a move?

Sure, why not? But that's not reality.

Here's your reality.

You are never getting laid in this lifetime.

That's, like, really mean.

Wow, you, like... Yeah, um...

with you you're wearing that the adoption i'm raising nope i'm wearing it

fat party let's go

Uh, if it's just me or is everyone here, uh, cut.

Oh, yeah, probably take a move with a jock fray. Yeah, in Michigan, we're all

baseball players, but in Iowa, everyone's a fray.

You'll be fine, man. I'm on my lead.

Time to teach these trucker Roman shows how to drink.

Ooh, solo kickstand!

Okay.

Oh.

Oh. So how do you even do a solo kickstand?

It's all about your core.

Oh, shit.

Looking good, girl.

Sorry to break up the nerd conference, but I'm going to play beer pong. Now, I

know neither of you know what that is. Hey, screw you. I was the Yale all -time

beer pong champion.

That is like saying you're the top mountain climber in Kansas.

Or Iowa.

I'm going to own you. Ooh, hello, Marissa. I like this new shit -talking

think. Go play some motherfucking pong.

I need to see that.

They

really

do take beer punks seriously. Yeah, that and a cappella.

Hey, can we talk?

Oh, um... Yeah, sure, okay.

This is absolutely crazy, right?

Did you ever think we'd be at a frat party in Iowa? No, not really.

Okay, sorry, it's my turn.

Is that a full beer in your hand pledge?

Oh, I'm not a pledge. I'm actually just a... Stop talking and chug.

Come on.

Let's go. Okay.

There's a lot of beer in there.

Let's go. Let's chug.

All right,

you Iowa freckles. Time to get lit.

Everyone grab a beer.

Shocking on three.

One, two, three.

So funny. Yeah, this party is super dope.

Dominating. Dude, I told you I was good.

So, uh, Quinn.

He's kind of cute, right?

Quinn? Yeah, he's cute.

All right.

I'll be right back. Keep dominating.

Hey, Pledge.

Better pace yourself.

So, Marissa thinks you're cute.

She said that?

You're messing with me. Come on.

Get over there.

No, no, no. I don't play beer pong. Dude, get the hell over there and play

pong.

You need a teammate?

Yeah, you're up.

Alright.

filing my observations of life on the campaign trail for a book I'm writing.

Would you, uh, like to hear some of it?

We were somewhere around Cedar Rapids when the bathtub mom began to take aim.

Her name?

Even if I remembered, it'd be irrelevant.

What the hell, dude?

I'm gonna kick that guy's ass.

Oh, it's, uh, almost tapped.

On me?

Ah, here we go.

Thanks, man.

Well, yes, you're not from here.

Everyone here is a wrestler, and you're clearly a baseball player.

Okay, what the hell? How'd you get here?

I'm on the team here.

We played Michigan last season. You were the middle reliever.

Good memory.

This is what the campaign trail's all about.

Brass displays of bravado, bursts of violence in defense of one's honor.

What? I'm about to get into a fight.

With that D -bag.

Yeah, you heard me.

Steve Kemp?

Dude, conference champ in his wrestling class.

What class?

Super ultra featherweight?

Dude, you have my back? No.

Okay, Steve, the wrestler, let's do this.

That's my friend.

Open your mouth, close your eyes.

Vodka fairy has a surprise. What are you doing?

Will you hold my sock? No, Clint. No, I'm not your assistant.

Okay, do it, or I'll call my dad to fire your ass. Okay, Clint, once again, I

don't know how this works.

Stand up real quick.

Yeah, I... You gotta turn around.

Clint, if I'm being completely honest, if you were to... to keep these pants on

like the button is buttoned and the zipper's just undone, I would fuck you.

These pants are part of the deal, though, so find me later if you're

Vodka fairy, yay!

Get on your knees, boys!

Oh, hey, bro.

Bro, I've been looking all over for you.

I'm sorry about earlier.

I should have had more chill.

Cool, don't worry about it.

I'm sorry I triggered you.

Let's go again.

You're going down, soybean.

Just wear that underneath.

You fuck with the wrong motherfucker, motherfucker.

Okay, I was not anticipating that.

I'm Derek, by the way.

Shit, we haven't done intros.

We haven't done intros.

Okay, I'm TJ.

No, I'm a political embedder for the John Dobson campaign.

I'm a journalist now.

Dobson the Republican?

Sounds like a nightmare assignment.

Why?

He's a good guy. A gay guy?

saying Dobson gets it is like a Michigan guy saying Ohio State seems cool.

Hi.

I'm Rachel. I'm a student at Iowa.

I'm looking for my boyfriend Ross.

Cool party, right?

Yeah. I actually think I'm a pledger now, not by choice, of course.

You know that question you asked me today?

What question?

You asked me if we would be friends in college.

Oh, right, yeah. I was just thinking out loud.

Well, the truth is, I think we wouldn't have been friends.

I think we probably would have dated.

Rachel! Why am I explaining to the big city journalist that he's enabling a

bogus politician?

Okay, Dobson may be conservative in some ways, but he's... I'm just trying to do

my job so voters can decide if he should be the next president.

Can we just go back to making out?

Dude, no.

I just got cock -blocked by Dobson.

You want to compare Red to Shitty or Night?

Sure. I almost broke my leg doing a catch stand. I have been rejected by

girl at this party.

Oh, and I got my ass kicked by a jacked Oompa Loompa.

A year ago, I was the king of NYU.

Now I can't hang with these Iowa hicks? Why are we covering Dobson the way we

do?

We set up our camera, we record whatever he says, and we don't inject any

thought into it.

I guarantee you that in the next election, embeds will be replaced by

Well, then why don't we do something to make a difference now?

Nah, I'm writing my book.

How's that going?

Well, my manuscript got karate chopped out of my hand, so... Not great.

No more jungle juice.

It's fun in there.

Yeah, I guess.

It's fun out here, too, though. Yeah, I like it a lot better out here.

I like you.

I like you, too.

No, no, no, no. Like, I like you.

But I'm not going to make out with you.

Listen.

Tune box.

Um, that's your...

Oh, shit.

Oh, it's my boss.

The Dobson pain incident is everywhere. Where are you?

What pain incident?

I have no idea.

Hey, I'm glowing up. What happened to Dobson? He's probably having an affair

with Fertile Iowa Soil.

Dude, check Twitter.

Something actually happened to Dawson and we weren't there to cover it. Must

have been one of those kids protesting his Geronimo costume.

None of you noticed the account that video came from?

But Sid shot that? No, Sid is with us.

No, she isn't.

She texted me an hour ago and said, Marissa's super drunk, you could

beat her to strip cut.

She got the story.

She's sick of hearty undies.

We got played.

I gotta email my boss right now or I'm in deep shit tomorrow.

My laptop's dead.

Mine too.

Mine's done 1%. Mine dead.

Where's my charger?

Yo, where the fuck is my charger? I can't find mine.

Yeah, me neither.