Original subtitles

These. This.

Thank you, Michael. Oh, please, it's a joy receiving 15 letters a day addressed

to Arthur Strong Solutions, Arthur Strong Industries, and Google.

What's Google?

It's a postal service wherein people send me questions and I search for

among my extensive files. I charge a small fee.

Oh, I see, so it's like Google, but very inconvenient and actually costs money.

That's the idea.

Why, boogle. Oh, that's the clever thing. Comes first in the phone book.

I'm always one step ahead of me.

Here.

There's no need for that.

It's not ideal for me either.

I'm the one that's had to have his letter book sealed up.

Why do you have to do that, Arthur? It's private, Eggie. I'd rather not discuss

it. I mean, what is going on here?

Oh, that's a fruit postal service I set up a subscription to. Can you... You

believe this banana made it from the other side of the world in just five

So every time you fancy a banana, you just have to wait five weeks until it

plopped through your letterbox.

Gosh, the modern world.

Good, isn't it?

No. No, it's not, is it?

Can't work out how to cancel it. Oh, Bulat, my good fellow, how about a cup

tea on the house for all my years of dedicated custom?

This is a business.

I run a cafe. This is a cafe.

All right. Go on about it. Dedicated custom. You do nothing for this cafe.

You use it like an office. You bring your own food. You spend as little as

possible.

What the hell?

You're having food posted now?

This can't be better than my prices.

Oh, God.

What is this now?

It's all a set of encyclopedias.

It's a theory, Thomas.

Close enough.

Oh, my goodness, this is such an honour.

Oh, calm down, Meryl Streep. It's not an Oscar.

No, but it's a sacred crust.

It's one of the cornerstones of our democracy.

I've always been able to get out of it.

Last time I was up for it, I managed to convince the judge I was some sort of

unstable lunatic.

Come now, Bulunt, a single cup of tea.

Michael will pay you for it when he gets back from wherever he is. Birdie,

where's Michael gone?

Jury service.

God, Arthur, every few minutes you have to be told again.

After all I've done for this cafe. What do you do for this cafe?

I'm your local colour.

I'm why the tourists come in.

You are a tourist repellent.

The last time there was a tourist here, you thought he was picking a fight.

He kept spitting at me. He was Dutch.

Yes, hindsight is a wonderful thing, isn't it? Isn't it, Michael?

Where's Michael gone? Bernie!

Oh!

Afternoon all.

Oh, thank God!

There he is, Postman Pat.

Don't start calling me Postman Pat. I'm doing you a favour.

You still haven't told us, Arthur.

Why did you have to seal up your letterbox?

Well, Eggie, if you must know, I caught a dog watching me through it when I was

in my underpants.

Remember the good old days, Arthur, when you could just leave your front door

open? These days, it's just perverted dogs.

I had me Kevins on. Maybe that was it.

Kevins? Kevin Clines.

Their underpants, which I'm told, are quite fashionable.

You were Calvin Klein's? Kevin, Michael, Kevin Klein's. They wouldn't do Calvin

Klein's at the market.

About a week ago, I bought three dozen pairs, along with a Carol Lagerfeld coat

and a hat designed by Victor Beckham.

Can I get your opinion?

Do you think this jumper says, I respect the law?

It actually does.

Michael, you're doing a good thing, but you need to calm down a bit.

Just excited.

You can see the courtroom. It's very intimidating.

And have you seen a judge up close? They're much bigger than you think.

Oh.

No, they just sit high up.

I think the judge and I have some sort of silent rapport.

It's like he knows I'd be a good judge if I wanted to be a judge.

Well, I think you have to be a lawyer first.

Oh, yeah.

Pay for me. Pay for me, tea.

What's the magic word?

Now.

Uh, no.

No, I don't think so.

What? No.

Sorry, Arthur. I'm not doing it anymore.

How dare you withhold money from Bullard?

If there's one thing that the last couple of days have taught me, it is

are all part of a magical interlocking mechanism that I like to call society.

And society only works if we are all pulling our weight. Otherwise, you're

like... A dog peeping through a letterbox, trying to get something for

Well, it appears we have reached an impasse.

You'll find that in the early parts of this program, we'll notice that there

some connection between...

I'm

going to have to live with that for the rest of my life.

Look, he's a judge.

You're in the jury. You're not besties. You're not peers.

I want to kill myself.

Oh, please don't. I can't be single again.

Michael.

I loved what you said yesterday about society.

What a beautiful way of putting it. The mechanism.

Yes.

In contemplating it, I felt very like Professor Brian Cox does when he looks

a dinosaur or some salt.

I'm going to think about the bigger picture because we're all part of

bigger. It really, really does make you think.

It's my phone.

Hugely annoying.

I didn't choose it. This is you messing with my settings again.

People think I'm about to make a speech every time I get a text.

I didn't mean to do that. I was just trying to sort out your sodding

Radiating chimes. You should be ashamed of yourself.

Just leave my phone alone.

I can't connect to the internet anymore.

Last night I was woken up by a U2 album.

Passcode, anyway.

Guessing 4 -3 -2 -1 does not make me a criminal, Master Chief.

Would it be a bad time to ask for my post?

I am not making a speech.

Oh, here, Michael, this is one of yours.

Oh, no, leave it, Eggie. I'll give it to him later on.

I see you've got your tea privileges reinstated.

Oh, Michael, he always comes good in the end. There's nothing he wouldn't do for

me. Oh,

what was that?

Oh, are you all right, Arthur?

Oh, I've got a funny warm feeling in my stomach.

Somehow it seems to be connected with Michael.

I know what that is. That's an emotion called gratitude, Arthur.

And most humans would have that.

Oh, it's lovely.

It reminds me of when I was trying to get Michael to get me a cup of tea when

was banging on about Brian Cox.

It's that sort of feeling.

I'd call it a Brian Cox rush.

sense back there, even if you were just trying to get a cup of tea out of him.

Now I'm getting a sort of horrible opposite feeling, like someone has

salt on Brian Cox.

That's called guilt.

How do I get rid of the salty Brian Cox feeling and get the dinosaur one back?

Maybe you could do something nice for Michael.

I see.

You could pay him a visit at the courtroom and give him a boost.

Great idea.

Now, Arthur, he won't want that.

Oh, come on, Eggie, don't be so selfish.

What could make him happier than looking up and seeing a row of friendly faces?

Now you put it like that.

Yeah, and that's why they have seats, you know, so everyone can go and cheer.

Oh, it'd be like going to the films for free.

We'd only have to pay for ice creams and drinks.

I'm in.

What about you, John? Are you coming? There might be a juicy case on, like a

murder, or maybe they've caught a witch.

Better not, Arthur.

Why not, John?

Well, Birdie, in my youth, I fell in with a lot of bad apples, and I wouldn't

want them to see me in a courthouse and think that I turned grass.

Oh, John, what are the chances of that happening?

If you're not in a firm and you're sitting in a courthouse...

This is not a very good look, Arthur.

Oh, come on. Stop thinking about yourself, John. We're all part of

bigger. Let's go and make this an unforgettable day for Michael.

This'll be the one.

Are you sure this is the right courthouse?

I am, Birdie. It'll be in this one.

Oh, look. The circus is in town.

Oh, this feels good, doesn't it? I feel a warm glow.

You're doing something nice for someone, Arthur.

That's... That's the feeling you get.

Is it?

Look, there's Michael.

There you are.

Good luck, Michael.

With you on the way, Michael.

Could I have silence in my courtroom, please?

Oh, look, it's the accused.

a minute, Birdie. We don't know if he's guilty or not yet.

Yay!

Good luck, son.

Right. Right, who said that?

Who's making all that noise?

That's the gentleman in the raincoat. Can I have him removed, please?

Me? Why?

I haven't done anything.

What are you doing?

We just wanted to give you a bit of support.

a football match.

All right, all right, we're going.

Oh, here, there was one for you in that pile of post. You must have got it mixed

up.

OK, give it to me.

You got it here somewhere.

Hello, John.

Hello.

What brings you here today?

You been a naughty boy?

No, no, it's just... What's going on with you?

Well, they brought Big Frank in.

Big Frank?

I didn't know he was out.

Yeah, they got him for GBH.

Somehow they got a witness to appear.

You know, had him here on a three, did something with his voice, he couldn't

recognise him.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah. Would you say you're here for again?

Hello, John.

Hello, Tom.

What are you doing here, then?

Well, that's what I've been asking him. Didn't expect to see you here. Well,

that's what I've been thinking.

Oh, you haven't turned grass?

Yeah.

You know me, boys.

No, I'm looking for another outfit now.

Oh, yeah?

Who's running it?

Arthur Lack.

That's him over there.

You're only eight, John.

Yeah.

Good to see you, boys.

See you later.

Let's see where he's off to.

Hello, Steph.

Can you get me CID?

They might want to have a look at this.

Do you believe him? Well, I don't think he's a grass, Mr Duncan.

Though he did join another firm.

What did he say his name was again?

Arthur the Act. Arthur the Act.

Never heard of him.

Well, he's some sort of operator.

Yeah.

Got good luck at him.

Oiling up a juror from another trial.

I'm a little insulted.

John told me he was going straight, and now here you are telling me he's got a

new best friend.

I thought I was his best friend.

Well, with respect, Mr. Danton, looks like things have changed.

Have they now?

Yes.

Give Dr. Tedder.

Perhaps I should give some explanation about what has just transpired.

There are three conditions by which a charge like this may be considered

successful.

First condition... Ringtone.

Under ringtone.

You shouldn't be messing with his phone, Arthur.

Bloody radiated chimes.

But that's not highlighted.

Record your own is highlighted.

Here comes Michael. I'll take it into the toilet and fix it in there.

Might as well make the best of it.

Oh, lovely warm seat.

Someone must have just left it.

Actually, this feels like it's going to be a painful one.

I'm going to hold on to the side.

Here you go, Eggie.

What's this?

It's a list of tools I'm hoping to get a lend on.

I'm removing a tree from her next door's garden.

Oh, I tell you what, Eggie, I can't get enough of being lovely to people.

I'm getting a massive buzz off of it.

Use a toothpick, will you?

What's this say?

Tramps. Tramps. Bin bags.

Can't you read?

Squadron.

Handsaw.

Pending. Shovel.

It's your writing, Arthur.

Oh, I'll just tell you. You write it down.

You're right.

It's just something gone down the wrong way.

I'll be all right.

Mm -hmm.

What is it?

These guys are no good.

Look, like they own the place.

Can I help you?

Might as well do some business while we're here. Yeah, actually.

Oh.

Hello, darling.

Some instructor is funny.

I said, can I help you?

Yeah. Well, we're doing a neighbourhood watch scheme. You know, keeping an eye

on some of the businesses in the area.

Thought you might like to contribute a small amount to cover our expenses.

Right. We'll need an axe.

Axe?

Biggest one they've got. One you can really get hold of.

Yeah, yeah. I've got you.

Are you sure, mate? I mean, it's not much money, for peace of mind.

I think we're OK.

Mate.

Good sharp saw.

OK.

What's that for? We can't get rid of it all at once. We have to saw the limbs

off, bring it all up in pieces.

I like the way you're thinking.

Oh, bin bags. We don't want to leave any mess.

Yeah, yeah. I've done this before, Arthur.

Run.

What?

You know those guys?

What guys?

Oh, when I want to get her a little present.

How about some lovely chrysanthemums?

Will you have a drink?

He's the real deal, Mr Duncan.

Is he now?

Yes.

I want to meet him.

See what he's made of.

Bring him over.

And what if he says no?

Take young Bobby with you.

But, Mr Duncan, this is me new suit.

Can I at least go home and change?

No, leave it on.

I'll encourage you not to lose the head too much.

We'll see.

Come on, boys.

There

it

is.

Silly boy.

Yeah, we got one.

Eggie, I've got something for you.

Do you want this?

Your fly rod? But that's your favourite, Arthur.

Oh, no. I can't help myself, Eggie. Arthur, you've got to face it. You're

addicted to feeling like Brian Cox when he looks at things.

You're right.

I'm chasing that Brian Cox feeling.

Helping old ladies across the street just doesn't do it for me anymore.

Everyone's talking about how you've changed.

I'm worried about you, Arthur. I can handle it, Eggie. I can quit any time I

want. Anyway, take it. Take the rod. Take it.

No. I don't want to be a part of this.

Which one?

Yeah, that's him over there.

Oi, you, Arthur.

I'm arresting you on suspicion of perverting the course of justice. You do

have to say anything, but it may harm your defence if you do not mention when

questioned something you later rely on in court.

Anything you do say may be given in evidence.

What?

Sir? Come on, sir.

Oh, my God, is this really happening?

This is really happening.

How is this really happening?

This is really happening.

That's Arthur.

You know him, do you?

Yes. He was just giving me my post.

It was just a bloody pizza menu in the end.

A pizza menu?

In an envelope?

Yes.

I don't know why they do it.

You see, Baker, we've been looking into your Mr Strong.

It seems he's been causing some ripples in the exciting world of organised

crime.

Organised crime?

Arthur?

Arthur couldn't organise anything.

Well, if that's the case, you won't mind doing us a little favour?

Well, yes, yes, of course.

Just have a little visit with your friend, ask him how his week's been, get

gossip.

A wire?

You want me to wear a wire and speak to Arthur?

Looking at seven years, otherwise.

Seven years what?

Well, prison.

I am entering the cafe.

I am sitting in the cafe.

Michael, sit.

Approaching target.

So, what's been going on?

Eh?

Cos, um, I haven't been around a lot, have I? So whatever's happening has

nothing to do with me.

Whatever's going on.

What are you all about?

Why did you come to the court to see me, remember?

Oh, that was just to show my appreciation for all you do for me.

So much you do.

Just my way of saying thank you.

Stop it. No, no, I won't stop it. This is the new me, Michael. I'm nice now. I

just want to be nice to everyone.

He's on to us.

Shift. Sorry, we're in the middle of something.

I'm going to sit over there now because I want to suddenly.

You think you're an operator?

Big man around town, everybody knows your name.

Passing out favours, friend of the community.

Is that Eddie Duncan?

That's Eddie Duncan.

Very clever.

I like it.

Oh, thank you very much.

I want you to understand something.

You are a bug to me. I could crush you just by shifting my weight.

Sorry, who did you say you were again?

His name's Eddie Duncan. Mr. Eddie Duncan. Calm down. There's no need for

bedlam. After all, you've already showed me what you're capable of.

And we're both too much at stake to start a war.

Things are going well for me at the moment.

Money's rolling in. I've even got a judge on the payroll.

A judge?

What's his name?

Is he all right?

He's all right.

Clayton.

That's my judge.

Since when? That's our judge.

I'm going to make you an offer.

Just a goodwill gesture.

You'd be wise to accept.

Oh, I see. You want to give me something.

Ah, ah, you're like me.

You're trying to get that buzz.

Do what?

That Brian Cox feeling.

I completely understand.

It's highly addictive, isn't it? I don't know what you're talking about. Oh, I'm

sorry. I didn't mean to interrupt you. What did you want to give me?

Territory. I'm willing to let you have everything between Lennox Street and

Mount Street.

Everything between Lennox Street and Mount Street.

Is that all yours?

Yeah, and now I'm giving it to you.

Even the Specsavers?

Yeah. And the travel agents?

Yes, all of it.

I own the Specsavers and the travel agents.

Well... That's very generous of you. You must be suffering a massive explosion

in your head.

Take it or leave it.

I'll take it.

And now I'm going to give it all away.

Don't, Arthur.

It's too generous.

Your system can't take it.

I don't care, Eggie. I'm going for it.

Birdie, do you want a couple of rugs? I don't know how, but somehow I own them.

They're yours if you want them.

Oh, um, all right.

We did this.

We're going to put away a real bad guy.

Still don't really know what happened then.

Where's John?

I haven't seen him for a few days.

Good morning, sir. How can I help you? One ticket to Uruguay.

I suppose you want payment for that.

It's under your house.

Any chance of a biscuit?

In the course of this, you learned Judge Clayton was, as they say, in the pocket

of Eddie Duncan.

That's right.

The same Judge Clayton you see here today.

Yes,

that's him there.

Metal detectors at the ready for a comedy find on BBC iPlayer. Mackenzie

stars in The Detectorist, available now.

Head balls, hop, what's it, into the How I Got News For You guest host chair

here next on BBC One. Joining regulars Ian and Paul.