Original subtitles

free breakfast all week. Please accept my apologies.

It won't happen again.

You!

What did I say about fortune -telling in the cafe?

How was I to know she was going to be this unlucky?

I've never seen the hanging man, the burning tower, and the devil come out at

once. I hope someone's walking her home.

This is your final warning.

One more time and you are barred from the cafe. All right, all right, I'm

putting it away.

I'll just see what she had next.

Ooh!

Right, right, right, yes.

All right, yes, OK, right.

This is what you have to do.

Hello. Oh, sorry, yes, hello, sorry, that was very rude of me. How are you?

This is what you have to do.

I'm going to ask you something and you have to say no.

And if anybody asks you if I ask you, you have to say yes.

Have you got that?

So, say no when you ask me the first thing, and then say yes if anyone ever

me if you ask me the first thing.

Exactly. But, presumably, you don't want me to say you ask me to say no to the

first thing when I'm saying yes to the second thing.

Yes. Yes, that's right. So, to recap...

Say no to the first thing, but then say yes to the second thing, should anyone

ever ask me the second thing.

Well, that's very straightforward. I can't see that being a problem.

Great. Okay.

Okay, great. Well, this is what I'm going to ask you.

Do you want to meet my new agent, Philippa, and her wife?

I'd be delighted.

You're supposed to say no.

Just say no.

We had an agreement. You sounded like you understood it.

Yes, but I didn't know what I was agreeing to when I sounded like I

it. Listen, Arthur, they asked me to ask you, but I just don't want you to meet

them yet.

Oh. Hello. Are you stressing?

Yes, yes, I am. I really am. Michael, we don't have to go.

What? Oh, no, not about the party.

Although that is also stressful.

You know, these posh publishing dudes, I just end up in a corner on my own

watching people dance.

Yes, but now you're with me.

Oh, yes.

Not in the cafe!

Now, everyone else can watch us dance.

Oh, God.

Why don't you want me to meet them?

It's complicated.

I was in your big book, wasn't I? They probably saw my photo. They'll have a

natural female curiosity about me.

That's the kind of thing. What you just said, that's exactly why you can't meet

them.

Arthur, Philippa is negotiating a new deal for me. I just, I don't want her to

be... distracted.

So, let's try it again, shall we?

Do you want to meet my new agent, Philippa and her wife?

Arthur, Philippa, Philippa, Arthur.

Oh, I've been dying to meet you. I'm such a fan.

You saw my photo and your natural instincts kicked in.

I quite understand.

It's not the first time a woman has gone giddy at the thought of men.

Oh, just see what's keeping Monica.

Stop talking about instincts and giddy women.

Stop telling me what to talk about and what not to talk about. You've been

it all day. I have to, otherwise you talk about terrible things. That's so

unfair. You told my last agent she had a drinking problem. That was a

compliment.

Arthur, please, OK? Just please.

Oh, you don't have to worry about me.

You won't hear another word out of me.

I'm sorry, she's up the walls because she's lost her imperial topaz.

Oh, oh, oh, no.

It's a crystal.

Oh, before I forget, chapters 18 to 20.

Great timing. I can use this to start a whole new round of negotiations.

Oh, I like the sound of that. You go, girl.

At last.

This is Michael, a very fine writer.

Hi. Hi. And this is Arthur. Oh, you'll like this baby.

Arthur is a bit of a spiritualist. It's in the book, isn't it, Michael?

That's right.

Oh, very interesting.

But he doesn't like to talk about it.

I can't find it anywhere.

Oh, gosh, you're still unpacking. You must be exhausted.

There's also the problem of a certain someone keeping me up all night. It's

house.

It's beautiful, but...

Sometimes I feel, I don't know, strange vibrations, noises at night.

It's the pipes. We can't go moving again, Monica.

The last time we were on a negative ley line or something.

Just don't go moving again.

Not back to Paris or something. Just stay here and keep being my agent.

You're not much of a talker, are you?

you talking?

Are you... Are you sensing something?

You're sensing something, aren't you?

What is it?

It's this house, isn't it?

There's something about this house.

We really better be going soon.

What is it?

Can't you tell me? Is there something wrong with this house? It's a lovely

house, isn't it? It's a really lovely house.

What is it?

Tell me.

Do you sense a presence?

Tell me.

Tell me what's wrong.

You told me to be quiet. I said be quiet, not mysterious.

You were being mysterious.

You were being deliberately mysterious.

They just moved house, and now she wants to move again. All because of you, you

bloody Uri Geller.

Give me the photo. I'm sorry, Bullitt, it's my property.

Sure, give me the photo she took of me on New Year's Eve.

You still got that one, Birdie. I do, Eggie, and I'm not giving it to anyone.

It's mine.

That's what I get for allowing you weirdos to have a party in the cafe.

You get me drunk, and then you let her do...

Don't blame me because you lot are a bunch of grandad drink drunks.

Grandad drink drunks? They have no tolerance for grandad drinks.

Cream sherry, drambouille, tea maria. A couple of glasses of them and they're

all under the table.

And you're the worst for it, Arthur, the way you knocked back the Liebfrau milk.

I thought it was just milk.

I'm sorry, Bullent, you're not getting it. It's going in the scrapbook with all

the others.

How was I to know she was so sensitive to the beyond?

Just forget it. You know what you have to say when they get here, don't you?

don't worry, don't worry. I'll take care of it. Just tell her there is nothing

wrong with her house. All right.

A deep sigh.

Oh, sorry.

I haven't been sleeping very well.

Probably a bit too excited about the dancing.

Er, yeah.

Listen, I just want to give you an out for tomorrow night.

What? You haven't smiled once since you heard about the party.

So this is your out.

We don't have to go.

But you've got a new dress.

I haven't worn it. I can take it back.

No, no, no. Of course we're going.

We have to go. I want to go.

Good. I really want to see that smile back on your face, Michael.

Hi. Hi, gang.

Um, Arthur.

Monica,

perhaps I could have a word?

Right. Let's lay this ghost to rest about your house being haunted.

Didn't you sense something?

Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Well, I do have experience in the world of extrasensory

contraception. I detected no such activity occurring within your

private area.

But the noises... Believe me, my lady...

There's sure to be a rational explanation.

My Auntie Doreen thought she saw a leprechaun, but it was just a pair of

underpants near a swing.

I don't know.

Mark my words, Monica, I know whereof I speak.

This is a very serious matter, and there's no more qualified man than I

we're discussing spooky shenanigans.

I'm exhausted, Michael.

It's like sleeping next to Lee Evans.

How are negotiations going?

Oh, yes, well, the number I think we can achieve is... Maybe I should write it

down.

I could get this for one book.

I could really get this for one book.

I think I could get it bigger.

Bigger?

Is there bigger? This seems like the biggest.

Oh, hey, you look happy. Yes, I'm massively relieved. Everything's going

okay. Good, thank God for that.

A good night's sleep at last.

I'll let you know how that meeting goes, Michael. Great.

Oh, I...

What? She's been fine. What did you do?

Promise me you won't be angry with me.

What did you do?

I've agreed to perform an exorcism at her house.

What?

I didn't mean to, Michael.

An exorcism? I was trying to reassure her and she talked me round.

You were supposed to be telling her there was nothing wrong.

But she made a very strong case.

Things go missing.

There's strange noises.

They've just moved out.

And she still can't find her imperial topaz. Who cares about her imperial

Oh, God, it's Philippa. What am I going to say?

Oh, just buy me some time. Say I've popped out. Popped out. Got it.

Hello. Hello, Philippa. I'm afraid Michael can't come to the phone. His fly

open and he's adjusting himself.

Just see the phone.

Hello,

Philippa. Yes.

Yes, I'm sorry. He's just told me.

Tomorrow?

Uh, tomorrow's not so... No, tomorrow's fine.

He'll be there.

Bye. But Michael... Shut up.

You're going to have to be the monster mist.

The monster mist?

When I was a little boy, my mum used to spray something under the bed to get rid

of the monsters.

She called it monster mist.

I found out later it was just air freshener, but it did the job.

So I get a can of air freshener? Well, no, no.

You go to her house, you do a little show, and then you tell her that

been going on is over.

Oh, but, Michael, I'm not very good with these sort of things.

What? You do seances. Yeah, but that's different.

That's asking friendly spirits to come and visit.

This is telling angry spirits to sod off.

If the presence is a malignant one... There is no presence.

It's all in her head, and you put it there.

The only malignant presence in that house was you.

Oh, yes, of course.

I've got to get a hold of myself.

Don't worry, Michael.

I'll be your monster mist.

But I've got to have Eggie and John.

Why?

Because I'm still a little bit scared.

Monster mist?

Yes. All we have to do is go to the house.

put on a little show and then tell her it's over. I'm not sure I want to go to

haunted house, Arthur.

Oh, Eggie.

Michael assured me there were no ghosts.

Although there might be.

I'm still a bit confused about that.

Anyway, come on, what else do people use on this kind of operation?

Some kind of ghost hunting equipment.

Tape recorder.

Oh, write that down, Eggie. Tape recorder.

Oh, digital infrared motion detector device.

Brilliant. I'll swing by Maplin's.

We'll also need some garlic.

Are you worried there'll be vampires, Arthur? I'm not saying yes, and I'm not

saying no.

But we should at least cover ourselves.

We should probably bring some steaks, then.

Oh, yeah, that'll go with the garlic.

What else?

A hammer? Oh, get the steak nice and tender.

So that's steak, chips and peas.

Again.

Steak, chips and peas.

What's he got to do with him?

What is it we're doing again?

The list for the haunted house. Oh, yes, that reminds me. We could film all

this, you know, and if there is anything going on, we could sell it to Most

Haunted, you know, with Derek Okora and that hungry -looking woman off Blue

Peter.

We'll need someone else to do the filming.

Birdie, can you be a camera woman for us at a haunted house? No problem.

Great. We're sorted.

Arthur, I've been thinking, maybe I should join you tonight.

Oh, no, no, no, no.

Believe me, it's better if you're not there.

An exorcism can be a terrifying ordeal for the simple -minded.

I can't believe I'm here again.

One foot in the real world, one in the spectral realm, and me in between,

dangling in the nether regions.

It's the stuff of which nightmares are made, Michael.

Except it isn't, though, remember?

You do remember, don't you? There is nothing unusual happening. It's just

everyday life.

It's a little bit more complicated than that.

A bit more talkative today, I see. I talk when it is necessary. Please leave.

Yes, yes.

We'll go to a film.

So, when do you think you'll be finished?

Well, this is a very extreme case.

I've never felt such evil.

So, half ten?

Quarter to eleven?

Let's make it quarter to eleven to be on the safe side.

I'll just go and find a taxi.

Now, if you'll excuse me.

I have an appointment with that which should not be.

Yes, yes, sir. Of course. Well, make yourself at home and good luck.

I have no need of luck.

I am brilliant with things like what this is.

Oh, he shouldn't be doing that. He's only supposed to be in and out.

Let's have all sorts of equipment.

I'm just a bit nervous.

I'll sort it out, Philippa. Don't worry.

Excuse me?

Sorry, we're going to have to change route.

Does anyone else hear that?

Sorry?

Did you hear it?

You're on the thing for hearing things.

Hang on a minute, Arthur.

Sorry?

Arthur, he sounded like a rustling noise.

That's your crisps.

It felt like the kind of sonic disturbance that often occurs when the

realm rubs up against the real world.

Open the door!

Oh, it's just Michael at the door.

Get it, John. Watch out for the tripwire.

What's happening now?

Oh, Brian's here.

Brian? You know, the whiny lad.

Oh!

Tripwire? Tripwire? Why the tripwires?

We put ghost bells on tripwires.

Ghost bells?

There are no... You haven't done that to the whole house, have you?

What's with the candles?

We're just trying to get the mood right.

Have you been raising their stuff?

These are all relaxation candles.

Relaxation candles?

That must be why Eggie keeps falling asleep.

Arthur! I'm sorry, Michael, but we've had to pull all the stops out.

This place has the worst case of ectoplasmic excretions I have ever seen.

The house isn't... They just want reassurances about their new home. Don't

talking about excretions.

What?

Oh, God, what is this? What?

This?

Michael, surely you've known me long enough that I've told you about... my

collection of frightening ventriloquist dummies.

What are they doing here?

Do you know how valuable these are? I'm not leaving them at home for the night.

So you've brought eight ventriloquist dummies?

Seven? Sorry, John. You've brought seven ventriloquist dummies to a haunted

house?

Isn't that just asking for trouble?

I thought you said it isn't haunted.

It isn't.

They're not doing any harm, are they? They just sat there minding their own

business. Anyway, why don't you get off dancing and leave the dark arts to them

as the nose?

No, no, no, no, no. I'm not leaving you here. I knew this was a bad idea.

Who are you phoning?

Phenom. I'm going to have to cancel.

What is up with you? What? You've got a beautiful girl waiting for you to spin

around the dance floor and you'd rather be here. It's a potentially dangerous

exorcism. Have you ever been to an exorcism, Michael?

Heads spin round, books hit priests in the face. And the language gets dark.

blue language, and I'd put money on at least one of us crawling across the

ceiling like a spider.

That is exactly why I'm staying here. Arthur, this is important.

Philippa is the best agent I've ever had.

Excuses. You're scared about something, and whatever it is, you're letting it

get in between you and that lovely girl.

The only thing I'm scared of is... is you.

Get rid of the wire!

Don't worry, Michael.

We'll do it some other time.

OK, bye.

Oh, those candles.

I don't know how you can bear it.

It smells like an opium den in here.

Put that away.

You're not to be playing with Ouija boards. Just, when they come back, you

them it's over.

That's all you have to do.

Oh, gosh, I can barely keep my eyes open.

It's not much fun with him being here.

When are we going to do the most haunted filming? I was looking forward to that.

We just have to bide our time.

Look, he's falling asleep.

Yes.

Yes.

We just have to wait.

Action. One of the reasons I know this horse to be haunted.

Haunted. This house to be hunted.

Haunted.

The horse... Haunted.

Haunted. Haunted.

Oh, I forgot it now.

One of the reasons I know this is a haunted horse is when we arrived here

evening, this dog was on the other side of this painting.

And that lady was indoors.

Now you explain that to me.

And I have to say, this is the worst mythical phenomenon I've experienced

I was chased by two devil dogs after a night of heavy drinking.

Oh, listen.

I mean, I heard it.

Open it.

No, don't.

All right, I'm okay now.

John, you do it.

Wait, let me get a clean shot.

Aye, aye, aye.

That wasn't a ghost, it was Eggie.

What are you doing in the toilet with the light off?

I can't go with the light on.

Oh, oh, makes sense.

And it was still a bit scary, wasn't it?

Did you get all that, Birdie?

Beautiful.

Look at him.

He's still flat out.

Oh, having a lovely dream.

Do you want to dance?

OK.

I didn't tell him it, no.

I thought, though, I can remember it if that becomes important.

Oh, they'll go for that on most souls, won't they? You remembering what

happened.

There.

Another one for the book.

Right.

I'm off.

Bye, lads.

You're not staying till the end, Birdie? No, God, no. I'm incredibly bored. Good

night again.

You've worked yourself up into such a state, you're going to be more scared

they are when they get back. I wouldn't be scared if you weren't parading round

like an idiot.

What's going through your mind?

Anyway, you're the one that's scared.

I'm not scared. I don't believe in this stuff. No, not of ghosts. You know full

well I'm not talking about ghosts.

I'm talking about whatever it is, the reason you're pushing Seenem away.

It's you that needs an exorcism, Michael, not this house.

I have to go.

Arthur?

When they get back, what do you say?

Monster mitzvah. No.

I'm only joking, I know.

It's over.

It's over.

Thank you.

So is it a fancy dress party?

What?

Pull a taxi, I'll meet you there.

What I'd give to be 40 again.

We've still got a few hours.

What are we going to do now?

Hey, look what I've found.

Well, they did say, make yourself at home.

What's wrong with your face?

There's nothing wrong with my face, you know.

I'm just smiling.

So, how much were the damages?

Maybe I should write it down.

I'm sorry, Michael.

We've never drunk creme de menthe before.

It was like minty oblivion.

Don't worry, Arthur.

Doesn't matter.

Where are you going?

Dancing.

You're not putting your make -up on?

I've told Philippa I've gone shopping.

Touch the cards.