Original subtitles

Thank you.

Look, now, you can stand it. You've been sat there for hours. I'm just enjoying

reading the papers.

Look at that.

Bishop attacks single mothers.

Well, I hope they caught him.

Oh, here, Maria.

Was it you who was saying you were looking for a new toilet seat?

I did, Arthur. Fell on my one. Well, you're in luck. A friend of a friend

in the factory that does them.

OK, Arthur, thank you.

Oh, one thing.

Except some of them are a bit squeaky.

I don't want it, then.

Really? No, I'm kidding.

Things aren't going so great. I can turn down a toilet seat.

Hi, Maria.

Ah, lovely cup of tea.

Oh, someone's in a good mood.

Ah, it's just one of those moments, you know, where you look at your life and

think, yes, I am content.

You know, just as simple as that. I am content.

Well, I'm glad you're content.

Oh, for God's sake!

feature on Ronald bloody Harrison.

Why is he getting a feature? His last book was out ages ago.

There's a picture of him on a horse, thank God. What's he doing on a horse?

Might be a jockey.

No, he's not a jockey. He's a writer.

Are you sure? That would explain why he's on a horse.

Harrison seems to have found a new leaf of life since recovering from a serious

heart attack. He's still banging on about that heart attack.

I wish I'd had a heart attack.

Oh, he's not going to win many races, him. He's too hefty. He's not a jockey.

You could say that again.

Here, I'll tell you a jockey.

Lester Piggott. Now, he was a jockey, eh, John?

Oh, dear.

Probably one of the greatest flat jockeys of all time.

Have a look at this one.

Oh, he's a bit stocky.

I don't know many stocky jockeys. He's a very stocky jockey. He's not a stocky

jockey. He's not a jockey.

Unbelievable.

And I bet he's written another book in the meantime. He's like a machine, that

man. No head or heart, just pump, pump.

I didn't know Michael was interested in horse racing.

Neither did I. He's kept that quiet.

Eggie! Aha!

There he is. Hello, Bimbo.

How's it been, Eggie? I've missed having him around.

Fine, fine.

Thanks for looking after him.

Listen, did you hear the news?

What? You know Billy, the living statue?

Yes. He died.

Really? Oh, that sounds serious.

You can't have a dead living statue.

How do they know he died?

He fell over.

Wizard Geoffrey saw it.

Oh, Wizard Geoffrey. He'll be after his spot now. All the living statues will

walk that spot.

Can I ask you something, Arthur?

I needed that.

I was just wondering...

What, Eggie?

Oh, here it comes.

Well, when you were minding Bimbo, did you keep him in the toilet?

I didn't do that.

What is it, Eggie? You seem to like the ambience in there.

It's just that... What?

It's an apocalypse.

No, nothing.

All right, Bullen, don't be like that.

Come on, Bimbo.

See you, Arthur.

Bird's feathered flank.

Fellows.

This is a microphone practice.

Critical desire from people after self -promotion is pathetic.

And it's the work that's important.

Hello,

Sheila. Did you see the feature on Ronald Harrison this morning?

Yes, I did. In fact... Got it.

Disgusting, wasn't it? This pathetic cult of personality.

It makes me sick.

Listen, Michael, BBC Four are doing a new documentary strand on writers.

I'll do it. I'll do it. The Altar of Yes. I am definitely doing that. Thank

Sheila. Yes!

They won't be in the way.

You want to film my cafe?

Well, they want to film me.

The documentary's about me.

Well... That's really impressive.

Not just Michael. We're speaking to several writers about their lives.

Yeah, but this bit's about me.

Yeah, they just want to see my everyday, normal life. You don't have to do

anything different. Everyone just has to behave normally.

All right. But if you disturb the customer, you're out.

Of course. Of course. Thank you for that.

Why are you interviewing him? He's nobody.

Why don't you put me in your documentary? I'm very colorful and rude.

anybody.

So, what do you think?

It's great.

And you're the resident writer?

Yes, yes. I just find it difficult to write anywhere else, really. I don't

why.

Who else have you done?

So far, just Ronald Harrison.

Well, I suppose you have to fill up the programme somehow. Oh, he's an amazing

writer.

We could have done the whole documentary about him.

Don't do that.

He plays polo. Actually, he's just invented a new form of polo. The ball is

slightly smaller, so it's more difficult.

I always thought polo was fine the way it was.

And he was really powerful about the subject of his recent heart attack.

Oh, well, we can't all be lucky enough to have had a heart attack.

I'm really looking forward to this. Yeah, I'm looking forward to getting to

the real Michael Baker.

And vice versa.

She seems nice.

Yes, yes, she's... Yeah.

So you're definitely doing the interview here?

Yes. Hmm.

Hmm? What? He said, hmm.

I'm just surprised, that's all.

What about?

It's an interesting decision.

Why interesting? How?

OK.

You want to come across well in this programme, yes?

Oh, all these things are nonsense, really, but, yes, let's just suppose

the case.

I'm just surprised you would do it here.

Why?

Michael!

What's that, Arthur?

Grey emulsion. I'm going to grab that living statue spot.

a fight on your hands with Wizard Geoffrey. Wizard Geoffrey? What's he got

do? Wave his wand?

Emulsion paint?

Do they use emulsion? I think so.

I saw that Charlie Chaplin one and he was covered in it.

I don't think it's emulsion, though, Arthur.

You ought to be careful, Arthur. That woman in Goldfinger, they say they got

her.

As I remember, she was lying on her bed and someone stuck in and... Give her a

quick coat.

No, no, no, John. My memory of the film, they would have had to have given her

at least two coats of an oil -based primer, followed by two top coats to get

looking like that.

I'm only giving myself the one.

What's going on?

Billy, the living statue died.

Arthur's hoping to take his spot. It's what he would have wanted.

You can't just decide you're going to be a living statue now. It's a skill.

A skill?

I bet you can't do it.

Go on, do it now.

I bet you can't stand still for 60 seconds.

Go on, then. A tenner. A tenner? Fine.

All right.

Here we go.

I'm just finding the right position.

Actually, I won't do that one.

Oh, I'll try this one.

Oh, that's better. This is the one. Oh, I could stay like this for hours.

No, actually, I will do this one.

All right, here we go.

Starting from... Hang on a minute.

Which he knows.

All right, are you ready?

Yes. Okay, starting from... Oh, sorry.

All right, are you ready?

Yes. Get out of the way.

Sorry.

Okay, starting from now.

That's not fair. No, no.

That was a full minute. At least a full minute.

And anyway, how am I supposed to know how long it was? I can't see. Watch with

me. I'm out like that.

I've got paper to do and places to see.

And anyway, we're never shook out.

So, what are you going to do now?

He's going to steal the interview from you.

He is a character.

You are not a character.

Oh, that's... No, I'm... I've got things to say.

What do you have to say?

What? I can talk about my intro.

Such as?

Such as lots of things.

Such as... Walking. I like walking.

Walking.

Very interesting.

What else?

And... Walking I've covered. You see?

This is going to end up being a documentary about idiot man.

Come in.

Hi, Arthur.

Look, I was wondering if I could ask you a favour. Oh, that's good, because I

need one. Here, grab that brush.

I need you to paint me backside. I can't reach it.

What?

It's the only bit I can't get to.

You just kick it off and I'll do the rest.

You seem a bit tentative.

You know, Arthur, just sometimes I wonder if my life lacks pizzazz.

Do you want it all the way up the middle?

Yes, please.

You know, I look at someone like Ronald Harrison, you know, hanging out with

Sting and inventing a new form of polo, and I just think... I feel so...

Arthur, do you think sometimes I'm...

I'm a bit boring. Yes.

Sometimes I feel like... What did you say? Did you say yes?

Yes.

How am I boring?

Well, let me put it this way.

I bet painting my backside grey is the most interesting thing you've done all

day.

Oh, God, by far.

What's brought all this on, then?

Well, that's actually the other thing I wanted to talk to you about, Arthur. You

see...

I'm being interviewed for the telly.

Yes, and I was just wondering if... If I could be in the television programme.

Oh, oh, it's the least I could do, Michael. I'd be absolutely delighted.

Oh, and of course, they'll want to see a bit of The Memory Man.

Oh, and I've been learning some card tricks as well.

Actually, Arthur, I was wondering more if you could not be in it.

What do you mean?

Well, it's just if you get involved, it'll become about you. I know it.

I've got enough on my plate trying to be interesting without you being

interesting.

Oh, I see.

It's like that, is it?

No, it's not like that, Arthur. I'm just trying to be in the spotlight for once.

You mean you don't want to share the spotlight, just like your dad?

Oh, don't bring Dad into this. No, I'm just... Just please, Arthur, just for

once, step back and let me have a moment. Don't ruin this for me. Ruin it?

Me? After all I've done for you?

Give me that brush.

I'll paint my own bottom, thank you very much.

Good day to you, sir.

Oh, Arthur. I said good day!

Have you got the whole cafe in there? Yeah, yeah, it's good, yeah.

Okay, are you ready to go?

Yeah, yeah, raring to go.

Speech? Okay, Michael, can you start off by telling us a little bit about your

early years?

Yeah, I was born in 1978 at a very tender age.

And I was educated at... Sorry, stop.

Can we go back? It's a bit out of focus.

Oh, okay.

We're going to go again.

Just relax.

How about starting off with a joke?

I thought I had.

Oh.

Right.

Sorry, go on.

Well, I was born in 1978 in a small village in Berkshire.

My parents, my father,

who most people know as Max Baker, of course, knew him as a comedian.

Hello, Sagan.

I don't want to disturb His Highness's filming.

I'll spare Peter out of the way.

Hey, did anyone see that horror film that was on last night?

And the books?

Can we

stop for a second?

Jim, let's have a look.

What's going on behind him? It's not distracting.

Yeah, he was. He dressed as a statue or something.

Can you just edge him out of shot?

Oh, brilliant, Maggie. You brought it.

It's a lovely cafe.

So much character.

Mm, mm, mm.

Character, yes. That's what I like. Character, yes.

It's very real.

Like me.

The streets.

The band.

What? The band, the streets.

The band, the streets?

Yeah.

I've no idea what you're saying.

But it does continue to inspire me.

The book, for example, it's like an oasis awake in my other life.

And for that reason, I find it difficult really to write anywhere else.

It has become my karma, my library, as it were.

And most women die.

I will come here. OK, OK, this isn't going to work.

Oh, for God's sake!

Have you been there all this time?

What? You're being distracting.

Oh, pardon me for living.

I don't want a statue in the background playing with a toilet.

Arthur, you said you wouldn't do this to me.

Oh, I'm so, so sorry.

Don't worry about me. I know when I'm not wanted.

You've made that perfectly clear.

Sorry, he's a friend of my father's.

Do you mind if we take a quick break?

Sure, of course.

Buland, could I get a glass of water, please?

What's going on?

What do you mean?

I'm asleep.

I'm falling asleep.

I never realised when Arthur's not around, you become very... boring.

You told me to get rid of him. Yes, but I didn't realise how boring you were

planning on being.

What are you going to talk about now?

The walking?

Just keeping myself amused.

Simon, what do you do for fun?

In my spare time, I enjoy a bit of urbex.

Urbex? What's that exactly?

Urban exploration.

It's a sort of extreme tourism.

We flip into abandoned or condemned buildings and just have a poke around.

That sounds dangerous.

Not if you know what you're doing.

Right.

Tell us what inspires you.

Oh, what doesn't inspire me? A dog looking at a table might be the basis

entire novel.

Obviously a shortish one.

Well, let's move off work for the minute. What do you do when you're not

writing? What do you do for fun?

Well, I guess the main way that I get my kick these days is the

extreme walking.

Extreme walking.

Extreme walking?

I don't think I've ever heard of it.

Yeah, it's quite an underground thing, really.

What does it involve?

Just what it sounds like.

Sounds dangerous.

Not if you know what you're doing.

Well, what's extreme about it?

The distances.

So how far would you do in a day?

60 miles.

Wow. Yeah, yeah.

I'm doing one this weekend, actually.

Can we film this?

That is so exciting.

I know.

You're not actually going to walk that far, are you?

God, no. No.

I'm just going to wait until they've got enough footage and then I'll jump in a

taxi.

Oh.

Hello, Arthur.

Hello, Michael.

How's the statuing?

Fine.

How's the interviewing?

Fine.

Well, if you would excuse me.

Nature calls.

Are you ready for part two?

Yes. Right,

let's go.

There are quite a few people here.

Yeah, sorry.

I put something up on Facebook about the walk and it attracted a lot of

attention. Do you mind if I ask?

What kind of speed should I be aiming for?

Yeah, are we doing the full 60 miles today?

I usually like to do it on my own.

Don't worry, we'll hang back a bit.

Where are we going?

Don't know.

That's one of the extreme things about it.

Right.

How does it start?

I just, um... I just go.

OK, then.

How's it all going, Arthur?

I tell you, Iggy, I'm still having no luck with that spot.

Got to do with something.

Legend tells of an extreme statuing move, attempted only by the elite.

They call it the Stalking Tiger.

That alien bounty hunter's signature move.

You can't be taking his material.

Oh, what's he going to do?

But it's a very advanced move, Arthur.

It's dangerous.

Enough, Aggie.

My time has come.

I am about to go up there and do nothing.

Like no one has ever done nothing before in the whole history of not doing

anything.

Farewell, old friend.

What would you say we've walked so far?

Ten miles.

I think it's more like one mile, actually.

Well, look,

I think we've got enough from this angle. We're going to jump in the car

the rest from there.

And we'll see you at the end of the walk, OK?

Good luck.

Great.

Doctor said that I shouldn't be staying still all day every day.

The body can't cope with the inactivity.

How about you? The exact opposite.

I have to give up the extreme walking.

Extreme walking?

What's extreme walking?

It's all the rage.

Arthur, I'm sorry for keeping you out of the documentary.

one more interview to do, and I'd love for you to be in it.

No, no, no. Please, Arthur.

When you're not around, I'm... I'm a half -indirect thing at best.

Oh, nonsense.

I appreciate what you tried to do, Michael, but it's your big moment.

I think we both know what it's like to be in somebody else's shadow. Thank you,

Arthur.

And if you ever need your bottom painted...

I hope you'll call on me.

I'll be in touch.

I mean, people don't believe us, but we're actually very good friends.

very healthy, competitive rivalry.

Hey, Arthur.

I didn't know he was doing it today.

Point is to keep a low profile.

Yeah, well, sit here and have a natter.

All right, but I don't want to get in his way.

Ronald Harrison, he's an excellent writer.

It's very annoying.

Well, let's talk about what you're working on at the moment.

Well, I don't want to say too much about it, but it's going to be set in this

cafe, actually. It's, I guess...

Count Arthur's back in fighting form at the same time next week.

Next tonight, rugby star Gareth Thomas talks about coming out as gay.

Or on BBC Two in five minutes, more business deals in the Dragon's Den.