Original subtitles

That's my brother's new business venture I was telling you about.

Shit,

look at the tail on her.

Tail on her.

Tail on her.

He made this all happen. Me?

Yeah. You the man.

Waitress, can you give these drinks to those guys over there, Dan?

They look a little parched.

No, it's your thing.

Bob!

Hello, everybody.

Thank you for coming tonight.

As you know, there has been a problem with society.

Pot is legal, and there is a plethora of money floating around that cannot be

federally insured.

One such company, the Weed Founders Credit Union, has made a name for

themselves.

A fucking credit union.

How can we allow a credit union to tarnish the good banking name with state

legal drug money?

Oh, it started off as a joke.

Now, every single pot dealer and grower is part of this bank.

Since they started two months ago, they have amassed $100 billion.

That's incredible.

I'm really surprised at that. Senator Jobe.

But I met with them this morning, and they want to give money, a lot of money,

to the children's orphanage.

The orphanage?

They don't care about the orphanage. They just want you to think they care

the orphanage.

They are drug dealers.

Senator Jobe and everyone else in the room, please open your eyes.

Do you want to be known?

As the senator who sat idly by and watched America decay because of the

legalization of marijuana?

Do you know how many people have fought and died in this country to make this

the greatest country in the world?

My family has served in this country with their time and their lives since

beginning of this country.

I am Thomas Jefferson's great, great, great, great, great, great

And he would have said that you are in the wrong.

We give this country money.

We make the economy grow.

Everyone has better lives because of it. Because I lend them money or hold on to

it for them.

But you are a private bank and make the government pay you for its money that we

let you make.

Senator Hawaii, you're missing the point. Oh, really? Marijuana is bad.

Hold your comments for one more minute.

Marijuana is so bad, it is so evil, that I've brought you tapes, documentary

proof from pot dispensaries all around the state of these deviant behaviors,

of these mongrels.

Before you ask...

Yes, it is as real as Miracle Whip.

Debbie, please roll the tape.

Are you okay?

Yes.

Rob, now that I'm in your arms.

Oh, she's okay. She's a little shaken up, but... Yeah.

I love you, Rob.

After this, can we be together? I told you. I'm going to take you to Red

Lobster. Do you really mean it, Rob?

Of course I mean it.

Okay.

Let's do this, Rob.

Okay.

After you hit play, go over there and give that hag poison in her drink.

Okay?

Whatever you want, my hunk of a man.

Okay.

Let's do it.

Debbie, Debbie, Debbie, Debbie.

Um, silent button, Debbie.

Yeah, that one.

Show me.

You're crazy.

Take it easy, kid.

I just want to talk to you.

What you are about to see may not be suitable for young audiences.

The events you are about to witness may keep you awake at night. They may numb

your nerves, or they might make you do what is right.

The American tragedies of Orville, Maxwell, a top -top, Vance, Joseph,

Mary, and a young Jesus are the saddest events to have taken place since the

death of Alexander the Great.

And here are their stories.

Young child geniuses who got their degrees from Harvard, Oxford, and MIT by

age of 15 took a dare to buy some marijuana from a local dispensary and

to dispel the rumors that the cannabis plant is an evil of this earth, as was

taught to them last semester at Eli Lilly University.

On this dare, the boys brought with them a cameraman to document their findings

and went to the most secluded place in New York City, the South Street Seaport,

where the fish market is long dead and so is its economy.

They figured it would be vacant and secluded, so if something did go wrong

its supposed illicit effects, nobody would get harmed, except maybe the

cameraman. But he signed his waivers and was ready to go into the battlefield.

But as it went... Sally Sunshine took a shortcut through the neighborhood to

pick her triplets up from the free school for underprivileged families when

boys saw her and could not contain their young loins anymore.

Hey, baby, I got a fine wine you want to taste.

Come here and give me some sugar.

I love apples!

Help! Get away from me!

The boys chased her through the streets until they trapped her in an alley and

did well.

Let's just say she didn't get to pick her kids up on time.

No, stop it, please!

That pot was great. Makes me feel strong.

Yeah, I love that. It's legal now and we can have sex with any girl we want.

Me, dude, hurry!

No, no, stay away, please!

who some dubbed a young abraham lincoln got stuck on his incurable and unhealthy

habit of smoking the pot one day while looking for books and how to become a

better american vance came upon a hidden black market book shoved into a corner

by who knows who which intrigued him to no end he couldn't stop reading it one

simple phrase and one simple image gave him ideas of grandeur

His dreams of becoming president one day all came to an end as he entered the

most heavily armed and government -protected building in America.

Killing innocents, spilling blood until one lucky shot got him falling down into

the hands of AIG.

Vance's story has more behind it, which makes it all the more disturbing.

He left behind a grieving widow with ten children.

They don't really understand that they are not going to see their father for

rest of their lives, as they are lined up on the streets with their little hat

inside, begging for another fair chance of life.

It makes me cry just to think about it.

Then there was the story of Joseph, Mary, and a young Jesus.

Not the ones from the Bible, but close enough to a modern -day revelation.

What would have turned into another savior was lost to the unacceptable

through the devices of slack gun control law and legalized marijuana.

Joseph could not bear it any longer. His thoughts began to stray.

He even began to believe that his son was not immaculately conceived through

Lord from up above.

Jealous thoughts ran through his head as his wonderful family enjoyed themselves

playing a game and missing him.

Oh, not for long, buddy.

Woo -hoo!

Free parking!

In your face!

Joseph smoked a bomb, took out his assault rifle he got from the local gun

store, and, well... No, that's not fair! I was just about to beat you!

I'll spare Monopoly!

...ended the Virgin Mary's and the young Jesus' lives prematurely.

Could all of this have been avoided?

You bet.

If pot wasn't in his system, he and his family would be here today proclaiming

the secrets of life.

These three tragic and now prolific stories of the 20th century will stand

infamy, such as JFK's assassination, the former chairman of NASDAQ's fall,

Bernie Madoff, and the fatal crash of Princess Diana.

Because of the ordinary, who weren't able to become extraordinary, died by

hands of senators who legalized the most vicious plant this century has ever

known.

Do what's right. Make pot illegal. Because you are the future of this

Godspeed.

Harder! Harder!

Shit! So you see, my good people, deviant mind produced from deviant

Here it is.

There's no doubt about it.

Sorry, can you hold your questions for another minute, please?

I don't have a question. It's more of a comment.

Can you please hold your comments until I'm off stage? Thank you.

So, as I was saying, Bob, what are you doing here?

Take it easy.

Fuck you, man.

Hey, Senator OG, nice to see you.

Nice to see you, Bob.

Anyways, you guys don't have to listen to my brother. Everything was

and it's a lie.

Fucking stop it. You're going to kill my business.

Trying to ruin your business?

How about how you're trying to sabotage all the good weed dealers and make them

illegit? Wow.

That's quite a statement.

Unbelievable.

He's lying.

My brother smokes the weed also, so you can't believe a word he says.

My good people, marijuana does not make you do bad things.

Artistic things?

Yes. Lazy things?

Yes. But it does not make you violent.

Is anybody listening to me?

Senator OG, come on. You know about it.

It's true.

It's...

See? He must have been smoking the gun. Oh, shit. His heart failed.

There goes his narcolepsy again. Debbie, please escort this charlatan out of

here. If you guys believe anything this guy is saying, you're a sheep and you

need to be brought back to the farm. You look like a fool.

It's ridiculous.

Rob, you call that a documentary?

Since when does a documentary have someone else's point of view?

Answer that, Rob.

Answer that.

That is a good question, Robert.

How does a documentary have a woman's point of view?

The documentarian really cares about his work and is very passionate about it.

When a woman is getting raped, what kind of filth do you employ?

Okay, he's right.

I'm lying. It's a total fraud. But it really happens, but I couldn't really

find... We've had enough, Mr. Robert.

We will keep our vote for no prohibition.

Okay, thank you.

I guess it didn't go so well.

Maybe next time, I know what'll cheer you up.

There's nothing that can cheer me up, Debbie.

My brother is stupid, and he's younger, and he's beating me. I'm supposed to be

the evil, maniacal one.

How about we finish what we started earlier?

My super rich guy pal of a guy who makes me so wet. What are you thinking about?

All money, son.

Oh, that's great.

Oh, yeah. That always makes me feel better. Yeah, right there.

Yeah. Oh, right there. Oh, no, you don't. Mm -hmm.

Yeah, I know you like it. I know you like it. Oh, God. I like it. Oh, God.

More. More.

Let's fix it once and for all.