Original subtitles

This programme contains some strong language and adult humour

Gather round, chaps and chapesses. Princess Anne will enter the studio

through the double doors alongside her assistant.

Er, it... Flanked by her equerry. Right, yeah.

She'll be introduced to Alan, and Alan, I think

you're going to make introductions to the others?

Indeed, Howard, to select members of the team, absolutely.

Now, the protocol is that you refer to her as Your Royal Highness.

If I may, Howard? Only in the first instance.

Sorry? Your Royal Highness in the first instance,

and then and thereafter refer to her as ma'am, rhyming with jam,

rather than ma'am, common mistake, rhyming with...

Smarm. Thank you. OK, so I think that was it.

Go make some magic. Places, everyone.

Er, just a few more bits and bobs from me.

Try not to crowd Her Royal Highness.

We're all excited.

Not all—Simon, you made your republican feelings clear,

so if you'd recuse yourself from the royal circumference, thank you.

Unless you've had a rethink? Nope!

OK, Simon is not a supporter of the monarchy

and therefore will not be a participant.

And I respect that.

Well, I don't respect it, but there it is.

I just think that an accident of birth...

Finally, I have the This Time logo engraved

onto a smoked glass chalice, which I'm sure will sit well

in the display case of such a revered, regal jumping jockey.

She's a three-day eventer. Is that the term? Many thanks.

Yeah, and it's not a glass chalice. We had it engraved,

but it's a pewter tankard. Titles. A tankard? Yeah.

I'm not presenting a peasant's drinking vessel

to the future Queen of England...

...if there's a big accident!

My lords, ladies and gentlemen, hang out the bunting.

Parp a fine fanfare. Unfurl the red carpet.

Round up the beggars and the vagrants and tell them to move on.

For today, we are in the presence of royalty.

Welcome to a very special edition of This Time.

A royal edition of This Time.

If I said to you, "Name your favourite Anne,"

the answers would span the spectrum from Hathaway...

Oh, yes, delightful.

...to Of Green Gables...

...Boleyn...

Crk! Ugh!

...Summers...

Cor!

...and Frank.

But to a generation of British men and women, there is only one Anne

and that Anne is Her Royal Highness, the Princess Royal, Princess Anne.

Who joins us in the studio tonight for a rare live interview.

We'll be sitting down with her later in the show.

But there's plenty more still to come.

And we're off.

Hello. Did you enjoy Cornwall, Mr Partridge?

Mm. Mm-hm. Mm-hm.

I woke up and you were gone.

Yes, I had a few errands to attend to.

I think I explained in the note.

I got the train home. And I could look out the window

and enjoy the memories of the night before.

Yeah, as long as you remember to change at Plymouth, otherwise you...

...you miss your connection. We didn't miss our connection, did we?

All trying to be on our best behaviour for the imminent arrival

of Her Royal Highness, Princess Anne, the Princess Royal.

14th in line to the throne.

Really is a very long laugh.

Can I meet Anne? I've always wanted to chat with her. We'd get on.

Absolutely not. Under no circumstances.

Enjoyed yourself in Cornwall with Madam?

It was very pleasant.

Yes, well, the cleaner phoned,

said she wanted paying extra.

Said it took two hours longer than normal to clean.

Fine!

What happened?

I don't want to talk about it.

What's going on with your hair?

Nothing.

Is that deliberate?

It's respectful.

Let's have a look at the back. Oh.

It looks like a series of cables being fed into a junction box. Yeah.

Yeah. I like it.

And we're back in 5, 4...

All that still to come, a veritable feast, fit for royalty.

And now, from princess to court jester,

as we turn our attention to Simon Denton at the digiwall,

where, like a Buckingham Palace balcony, we can look down and

see throngs of teeming well-wishers, all of them itching for a gander.

Oh, I think there's a cream for that. That's humour.

What are we talking about today?

Well, you suggested we ask for viewers' tips on correct etiquette,

because I know you are a stickler for good manners.

Depends on the occasion. A formal dinner, yes,

we will pass the port to the left.

But you know, we don't banish women to the drawing room any more.

God!

But any woman with a degree, more than welcome to stay and chat.

You do have to move with the times. You do, indeed.

This is from Helen in Leeds, who says,

"We come from a family of proud curtsiers,

"and always curtsy Mother and Father before we enter the house.

"The neighbours find it a bit odd, but it's nothing to do with them."

I curtsied once, when I had whiplash.

I was unable to bow.

I had no option but to cast my eyes downwards,

tug the sides of my trousers, and formed a very small curtsy.

It was only to the mayor of Norwich, but I know he appreciated it.

Another one here, from Rosemary in Bath,

hopefully not Rosemary in the bath.

Well, you-you wouldn't put rosemary in the bath. No, you would not.

Unless you were trying to make yourself into a stock.

You could be in the bath with rosemary, ginger and saffron.

Sounds like my kind of bath.

And Basil. No men!

Rosemary in Bath says, "What is the correct etiquette

"for the amount of make-up an unmarried woman should wear?"

Good question. I mean, some of the women you see, it's a bit much.

That girl in Carphone Warehouse,

foundation caked on like brown marzipan.

Yeah, and eyebrows, with those eyebrows like an ancient Egyptian.

I think she thought she was Nefertiti.

To be fair, she's probably been a mummy since she was about 15.

Jennie?

Now, with full-time royals performing 3,900 engagements

last year, they certainly get about.

But how many of us have actually clapped eyes on one?

I've met a fair few. Have you?

Yes, be-bearded Prince Michael and Princess Michael of Kent,

the flame-haired duchess, Sarah Ferguson of York.

And Edward.

But among the general public, who's ever seen a royal?

Oh, in real life?

Anyone else? Come on, think.

All right.

So, tell us, which royal have you seen?

Princess Diana, 1995.

I was painting a gym and she walked past and I said,

Oh, um... you've dropped your towel.

So I gave it to her and she said, "Oh, cheers, pet."

I said, No problem.

Hang on, she said, Cheers, pet?

Aye. Why would Princess Diana say Cheers, pet?

Because I picked up her towel. Not the sentiment, the words.

Why would a woman from Sandringham say pet?

Well, you'd have to ask her. Well, we can't.

Well, maybe she was trying to fit in with the locals.

Why, where were you? Stockton.

That wasn't Diana. How do you know?

Well, how do you know it was? Because I picked up her towel.

But it could have been anyone.

No, it had her initials on it. D L.

Diana Lady.

Or David Lloyd.

No, I-I said to her, Are you Princess Diane?

and she said, "Aye."

Did she say Yes, Or did she say Aye?

Aye. There was another time, I met a queen.

Right, wait... Wait do you mean THE Queen?

Actually, it doesn't matter.

Who gave you that tooth? Oh, me mate, Michael.

Well, thank you once again to our studio audience.

And time now for some music.

We asked the under-eights to pick up their recorders

and play along to the National Anthem.

Put together, here's how it sounds.

It's not good. And we're off.

All right? Yeah. Yeah.

I know you were hoping to do the interview on your own.

Er... Oh, do you mean with Princess Anne?

Yeah. Nah! God, no...

No, I mean, yes, this morning, I was a bit confused

about why they were having you do it with me.

Which is why I threw the cup at the wall.

Right.

Er, but no, pleased for you.

I just wanted to make sure.

I wouldn't want you thinking that they brought me in

because you were too...

What? A has-been? No. No.

Yesterday's man. No.

Dinosaur? No, because they thought you were too long in the tooth.

Right, well that's the same thing as the things I said,

but... in a different way. Because it's not.

Jennie, let me tell you something,

if I was a woman in your situation, in the current gender climate,

I would be milking this for all it's worth.

In fact, get yourself on that milking stool

and yank those teats until that udder is so empty,

it looks like a deployed air bag.

Does that make sense?

That's what I've been doing.

Oh, OK, well, good, then. Good.

And we're back in 5, 4...

Now, it's hard to think of a more enduring union

than that of the British people and the royal family.

But how and why has the relationship stayed so strong?

To give a historical perspective,

I'd like to introduce a man I consider one of the finest

royal correspondents, nay, finest journalists, in England. Mm.

A man I'm privileged to call a friend.

Joining us via video call from his home in, appropriately enough,

King's Lynn... You couldn't make it up. ...Hugh Bevell.

Good evening. Hello.

Now, Hugh, you have been my go-to man on British royal history

ever since we first met. Many moons ago.

You were manning a cider stall

at a Conservative Party summer fundraiser.

I... tend not to declare my political leanings.

But you're a royal correspondent, Hugh.

You know, I can't imagine Nicholas Witchell or James Whitaker

at a TUC conference,

unless there's a very good buffet.

Now, Hugh, you've been a royal correspondent

for Radio Norwich, North Norfolk Digital and Al Jazeera.

And you now write books on Britain's relationship with the monarchy.

And you argue that Britain is at its strongest

when the royal family is at its strongest.

Well, when the monarchy is robust,

we see Britain at its finest in science, commerce, even art.

I often look at Shakespeare's passage in Antony And Cleopatra,

a clever paean to Queen Elizabeth herself,

which I'd like to read, if I may.

Oh, please do. Yeah. Do, Hugh, do.

"For her own person, it beggared all description.

"She did lie in her pavilion, cloth of gold, of tissue..."

Hugh? "...o'er-picturing that Venus where we see

"the fancy outwork nature.

"On each side her stood pretty dimpled boys..."

Hugh? "...like smiling cupids. And what they undid, did."

Oh, how lovely! Really lovely and beautifully read.

Yeah. It's as if... Yeah, do you want to just pop the book back...

It's as if strong leadership allows Britain to find its voice,

to-to unlock its greatness. ...exactly where it was?

And how long do you think the partnership will hold?

Because it's been a little fractious of late.

Or to put it another way,

are we starting to see the cracks in the establishment?

Well, I-I'm not sure I'd go that far.

Just one crack, then, because I suppose the decision...

It's not theirs, it's ours.

Pardon? You've got your arse out, mate.

We can see it in the mirror.

Uh, can I quickly mention my...? No.

Oh, how peculiar! The funny fellow. Apologies. Isn't he?

Yeah, he's... You know, to be fair,

when it comes to royal history, there is no-one to touch him.

But, er, in his personal life, yeah, he's been struggling. Yeah. Mm.

Robots are nothing new.

Indeed, the simple fact is that the first robot,

and this is a very personal opinion, was the digital watch.

But are we really ready for robots in our homes?

Whatever we ask of them, a robot always says, Yes,

like an intimidated employee or a hairdresser who's not listening.

But what happens the day the robot says, No?

I'm outside the University of West Sussex

and in their computer science department,

they're developing some of the most advanced robotics anywhere

outside of America and China and Germany and Japan.

Also Singapore.

Love these guys.

Electric lady.

Nice.

This droid, what's it capable of?

That's just a coffee machine.

Got it. Is this a coffee machine?

No. Could be.

It doesn't make coffee.

So this is the unit here.

It's a fully electronic, talk-controlled quadruped.

We foresee a lot of uses in the industrial cleaning sector

as well as around the home.

Yeah. Quite a noisy little...

I want to say chap, not quite sure what to call it.

Her nickname is Lady.

Yeah, I don't really do nicknames.

Can you switch it off, please?

I asked you to turn it off, please.

Sorry, love. Oh.

I've got to say, I remain something of a sceptic.

Call me a Luddite, I don't even have a Teasmade,

let alone a computerised Japanese toilet like Jonathan Ross.

I've thrown a heavy towel over Alexa.

Nevertheless, the nerds here have allowed me to take

this robot dog home.

Its name is Unit One.

Not Lady.

First I wanted to put it through its paces and, with four legs

powered by four servo motors, it's a robot with as much bite as bark.

Not the quietest droid, but with a top speed of a nifty six,

it's quick enough to outrun anyone with a mobility issue.

But are we ready for robots?

Could you trust this face?

Look at it. The idea of robotics isn't new.

Aristotle wrote about automata replacing slavery in 322 BC.

That's three centuries before Christ.

Allow me to put that in context.

Though you just did.

Well, and then there was Buddhist scholar Daosheng, who imagined

metal humanoid automata that could recite sacred texts.

So the appearance of being intelligent

but actually, just the ability to read out loud.

Precisely. Yeah. Huw Edwards.

But what if doing no harm involves moral ambiguity?

Take self-driving cars. What if swerving to avoid hitting someone

on the road involves mounting the kerb and hitting someone else?

How does the robot decide whom to harm and whom to save?

Good use of the word whom.

But it is a dilemma if a... robot car was hurtling towards

a pregnant woman pushing a pram.

Of course, it would swerve to avoid her,

even if it meant hitting another pedestrian.

But what if that pedestrian was a senior politician,

like Grant Shapps?

Now you've put that robot in an impossible situation.

Well, there's also the issue of automatons serving us

in a range of different ways.

Some of them in perhaps more intimate ways.

Do you mean sex robots?

Well, yes. Yeah, that's weird

cos I don't think I've thought about that before.

Do you think that would be all right, then, to do that?

Well, it's a question that's never been addressed.

Cos they could be for women too.

Just be a case of adapting an existing unit.

But perhaps a more complex issue

is how to manage an emotional connection.

You could imagine a robot one day

providing the same companionship a dog might.

My dog would be a hard act to follow.

Yes, some people do form strong emotional attachments

with their dogs. Not like me and Seldom. He's...

Um, he passed on a couple of weeks ago.

It was actually at the funfair.

One minute, he was barking at the waltzers, the next minute,

he was, as I thought, asleep next to the ghost train, funnily enough.

But, no, he'd... Yeah. Yeah.

I'm so sorry to hear that.

Oh, yeah, he was a big fella.

No, but he showed a damn sight more sensitivity

than half the people on this planet.

Well, that's the thing with these moral dilemmas. I think it's...

He used to stand on his hind legs and put his paws on your shoulders

and then just dance round the room. Yeah.

I miss him.

He was a really, really good dog.

Well, the crew are about to leave,

giving me the chance to see how this thing performs as a domestic help.

Not that there's a vacancy.

Having embraced diversity, I now employ a housekeeper of colour

from the Philippines.

Like many BBC execs, I'm happy to play the BAME game.

She is a grafter, she does the work of three men

and her job is safe for now.

Well, it's lights out for me.

I've locked Unit One in the utility room, just to be on the safe side.

I mean, I know there are precautions, safeguards,

and... programmed to do no harm and suchlike but...

...I just have this nagging feeling, deep down inside.

I mean, scientists are only humans.

What if they've missed something?

I put the distortion on myself,

as I'd recently watched the Blair Witch Project.

I've just been to the utility room to check on Unit One.

And I saw that he'd taken up residence in Seldom's old dog bed.

And at first, I was a bit put out.

I said, "Well, what the hell do you think you're playing at?

"You've only been here five minutes."

And he cocked his head. I don't know if you've seen him do that.

And I thought, "It's just a blimmin' dog bed." So I left him to it.

Well, it's the morning.

Last night, I decided eventually to watch a complete box set

of Judge John Deeds, which was outstanding as ever.

But I must have nodded off, because when I awoke,

I found that Unit One had decided to join me on the sofa.

Which is fine.

I was about to take Unit One back to the university

when I thought I'd stop off at a place I sometimes visit.

Because I think my initial dismissal of Unit One was perhaps

a little hasty.

Do I think there's a future in which man and machine can cooperate

and perhaps even find companionship?

Er, yes, I do actually.

Fascinating stuff. Yeah.

And quite the turnaround, really, to go from someone

who couldn't stand the idea of robots to...

I just... I-I just didn't like the thought of sharing my house

with something intelligent.

Mm. But I... Yes. But you've now written a book about it.

I have written a book. It's called Alan And The Robot Dog.

And the Robot Dog is lovely actually.

He's like a combination of David Cameron and Tony Blair.

A little bit entitled, but very affable and pragmatic.

Shouldn't that be dogmatic?

Oh, God... Dogmatic can be the baddie in the next book.

Hang on a minute, do I get any money for this? No, no, no.

We both thought of that at the same time.

Now, the Parthenon Marbles, known to many as the Elgin Marbles,

have been at the centre of a tug-of-war for nearly 200 years.

And now, a troupe of Greek teenagers is telling the story

through the medium of street dance.

I bopped along to take a look.

And we're off.

Your Royal Highness, may I approach?

If I may be so bold, ma'am,

I believe we have an associate in common.

Yes, Roger Stobbs. He supplies the Land Rovers to your estate,

and I believe you were kind enough to provide refreshments

on the occasion of his birthday. Yes, I do know Roger.

Yes, you know him and so do I. Yes, a capital fellow.

And one hopes the scurrilous charges that weigh heavy

upon his good name are brought to a speedy and just resolve.

Oh, dear. A speeding fine?

No, Ma'am, he battered a man in a pub toilet.

A most regrettable occurrence.

Although by all accounts,

the chap who took the hiding was giving it that.

And now allow me to introduce my co-presenter, Jennie Gresham.

This is me ma'am. Howard Cook. Your Royal Highness. The show's producer.

We've already met. Your fly's undone.

And if you cast your eyes heavenward,

you will see a wonderful array of lighting rigs.

Ma'am, we should take you to your seat.

I take my leave of you and walk backwards.

Why were you speaking Shakespearian?

I don't know, I couldn't stop.

How was Cornwall?

I think I may have soured things

when I banned her from meeting Princess Anne.

Does she seem annoyed about the Anne ban?

Oh, yes! You should see her.

A woman scorned.

Deleting you off her phone,

sending embarrassing pictures to the tabloids.

The lot. What are you talking about? Which pictures?

Wait, did they say it was pictures on a yacht?

Yeah, I think it was a yacht. Yeah. Five seconds.

This is ridiculous. Positions, please.

Stand by.

The Parthenon Marbles, it's sad, isn't it?

You know, even after all this time,

that Greece and Britain still can't settle their differences?

Well, yeah, well, I mean,

I guess that sometimes things get blown out of proportion, don't they?

Yeah. People jump to the wrong conclusions

when actually there is no problem. How do you mean?

Well, around ten years ago, I agreed to appear in a photo shoot

to promote a brand of mid-range boatwear.

In the campaign, I was photographed on a yacht in the Mediterranean.

Some make-up was applied to create the impression of my being tanned.

Alan, I'm sure you don't need to explain...

No, no, no, please, this is before we can continue.

The make-up was applied but the stylist was heavy handed.

I expressed misgivings but was told that it would look fine on camera.

Simon, I've airdropped the images to you. Please load them.

Ultimately, the photos were never used, but were someone to find

the photos and view them through a modern perspective,

they may construe them as an attempt by me to mimic another ethnicity.

I wasn't. I didn't.

Take a look, there they are, while I...

I have done nothing wrong.

The brief was quite clear:

A seasoned, semi-professional yachtsman.

Nevertheless, I'm happy to apologise unreservedly,

if anyone might have felt that they had got themselves upset

because of something they mistakenly thought I might have intended.

I trust that will... Clear the decks. Yes.

I mean, the make-up was applied innocently by an apprentice,

not her fault. Her name is Cat Shears.

I've been a loyal and unrelenting supporter of blackface matters

and racial equality more generally.

Well, I'm sure that's allayed any concerns.

And the movement Alan was referring to is Black Lives Matter.

Oh, yeah!

And we're off.

So, Jennie if you'd head over the interview area, and Alan...

Just... I'll just freshen my breath.

Actually, mate, we're going to ask you to sit this one out.

Jennie's going to interview Princess Anne on her own.

OK. They just got a bit jittery. OK.

The business with the photos. OK. Sorry, mate.

OK.

And we're back in 5, 4...

And as Jennie processes towards the raised seating area

to convene with our distinguished guest,

it's my privilege to introduce one of the most exciting pieces

of television in the storied history of This Time.

Greater even than my summer's day bike ride through Oxford

on a tandem with Malala.

This is Jennie Gresham in conversation with

Her Royal Highness, Princess Royal, the Princess Anne.

Thank you, Alan.

Your Royal Highness, thank you so much for joining us.

It's an absolute honour to have you on the show...

...thank you so much for giving us your precious, precious time.

She's doing well. She's doing well.

Using her arms a bit too much, like one of those inflatable

waving fingers they put in dealership forecourts. Mm.

That'll be nerves. Mm-mm.

Simon's a bit worried

he made a joke that went wrong.

Well, Simon's hit and miss. He knows that.

No, no, no, it was the thing about the photographs.

So... so that was a joke?

Those... those pictures hadn't come to light?

It was a bit of a ruse.

OK. OK, OK.

Don't worry. We'll talk about it tomorrow.

Now, everybody links you with horse racing...

...I suppose the question is, do you still ride? Of course I still ride.

Oh, um...

...something on your tie.

Oh! Just like your trick. What?

Ah!

I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Please, please. No.

We're still mates. Hit me back, hit me back.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

They took Anne from me. They took Anne from me.

Fuck!

Your Royal Highness, it's been an absolute pleasure.

And we're back to you, Alan.

And there we have it. A brief but fascinating exchange

between Jennie Gresham and the Princess Royal.

Plenty to unpack.

We learned Her Royal Highness is, in her words, "very well"

and "pleased" that she could be here.

She went on to describe her duties as "varied",

and talked about her "affection" for her family.

Good, solid stuff.

Now, though, it's time to hear from you at home,

as we ask for your thoughts on what the future holds

for Britain's favourite family.

Of course, we've also been asking for your encounters

with royalty and don't forget to share your tips

on modern day etiquette.

Keep those coming in.

And tomorrow, should we scrap HS2?

Jesus Christ!

Well, we do need to hear viewers'...

Why? Why do we need to hear from the viewers?

Tell us what you think! Join the conversation! Get involved!

Share you views!

Is it snowing where you are? Do you like fireworks?

What's your favourite soup? Who gives a shit?

Ah, excuse me. Apologies for the language there.

Michael Gove said, "We've had enough of experts."

Do you know who I've had enough of? Idiots!

I'm not sure I'd call our audience idiots.

Look at the tweets, Jennie.

I mean, read the mail bag. Everyone at the BBC thinks it.

They never say it publicly, of course. But behind closed doors,

whispered in the corridors, that's where you hear the truth.

They think Countryfile is boring, they don't understand darts

and they don't really care about your opinion.

Ah, the BBC is committed to letting ordinary people have their say.

T-T-There's nothing in between.

It's either BBC FOUR live from the Hay-on-Wye Book Festival

or other people telling us they think dogs are better than cats.

You feel like throwing open your windows and saying,

I am hopping mad and I want something in the middle!

Are you finished? Julian Fellowes!

I don't like Julian Fellowes.

What's that got to do with your argument? Nothing.

I just don't like him. Well, I'm sure, Simon,

we have plenty of viewers getting in touch with their royal stories.

Well, actually we're getting people shouting Alan's slogan

from their windows and tweeting in to let us know.

Let's see, we've got Bournemouth,

"I'm hopping mad. I just want something in the middle."

Southend, "I'm hopping mad. I want something in the middle."

Same with Warrington, "I'm hopping mad. Something in the middle."

Hull... I've touched a nerve. Anything from London?

Nothing from London, no. But we're in London. Let's go and have a look.

Terry, come with me. Simon, do you want to come?

No. I'm sorry I clouted you. It's all right.

Everyone, go to your windows, open your windows and...

...and just shout out at the top of your voice,

"I'm-I'm hopping mad and I want something in the middle!"

This way. Quick, follow me, Terry.

And there.

I can hear them now. Keep shouting! He's shouting.

Hey, you! Say that again.

I'm hopping mad! No, say the whole thing.

I'm hopping mad and I want something in the middle!

Right, did you get that? Cheers. Cheers!

I'm hopping mad and I want something in the middle!

They're all saying it.

A-ha!

Yeah, all right, whatever. Fucking idiot.

I want more snooker on the BBC!

Yeah, no, that's not going to happen.

Any... Anyone else hopping mad and just wants something in the middle?

Me! No, we can't count you twice.

Anyone else? Any more?

No? I mean, that's... That's three people.

They say for every person who complains,

there's another 20 who silently agree.

So, that's 60 people in this area at least.

Minimum! You roll that out across the country...

...it's got to be a million!

You can't hear them. Hi, got your pass with you?

I-I don't have a pass. Can't let you in otherwise.

You just let the cameraman in, just then. Yeah, he's got a pass.

I can go into the BBC any time I like.

There... There are only three things I need to do,

in line with the founder of the BBC, Lord Reith,

you probably haven't heard of him...

Educate, inform and entertain.

And remember your pass.

All right, four things. Four things.

So can I go in? Er, no.

They won't let me in.

They won't let me back in the BBC.