Original subtitles

Left ear. Clear.

Right ear. Clear.

Left nose. Clear.

Right nose.

The wiry one's still there.

Like bracken...

I can smell burning. That's normal. Thanks, Lynn.

And we go in five, four...

Good job you had yours on you. I left mine in a restaurant.

The calm before the storm.

The hush before the hoe-ha.

The me time before the This Time.

Hello, I'm Alan Partridge,

and you join me in Dressing Room A at Broadcasting House,

where every weekday evening I don my trousers and tie

before fashioning my hair

into the silhouette of a small scooter helmet.

In Dressing Room One, my co-presenter is having

her make-up applied by two women in a very specific way.

With her nearly ready, there's just time for me to scroll through

a few expressions...

KNOCK AT DOOR And then...

It's time, Mr Partridge.

Music, and let's roll! MUSIC BEGINS

The distance to the studio is exactly 8O metres.

Most presenters cover it in 60 seconds.

We do it in 40. Thanks, Rachel.

Emerging from the door to my right is...

"Jennie Gresham. Hello.

And welcome to the show that covers the full spectrum of human life.

From aqua-aerobics to abortion,

from zebras to Zionism.

The show that promises to be all things...

...to all men. And all women!

And everything in between.

So join us for chit-chats about Kit Kats...

...chinwags about bin bags...

...and natters about matters.

Hi, Nathan, Jermain, Shauna and Trent.

It's that time. What time?

High time to say, if you've got time to give This Time your time,

then it's time to let This Time spend time

making your time a good time

on This Time.

Welcome to This Time. Yeah.

APPLAUSE

THEY LAUGH Here comes the camera!

Yes, welcome to This Time

with Alan Partridge... ..and Jennie Gresham.

Whoo! Well, that certainly got the blood flowing, didn't it?

Yeah, I thought you did that really well, Jennie.

And you got your breathing right.

But, yes, slightly different opening tonight,

prompted, I should say, by a letter from Euan Anderson

of Disley Road Primary School in Oldham.

He wrote simply to ask,

"Please can we see the inside of your dressing room?"

And we were happy to oblige. Or Alan was.

Yes. Yeah, Jennie's dressing room is off limits.

Yeah, the only way to see inside a lady's dressing room at the BBC

would be to get a time machine, and set the coordinates for the 1970s.

Which we know was good and bad.

Besides, there's not really much to see in my dressing room anyway.

No, it's beautiful! Loads of smelly candles,

lots of photographs of you with all the famous people you've met.

And she's got a little sign above the mirror, which says simply,

"Never Ever Compromise."

Lovely. Yes, happy to know that we have younger viewers tuning in.

Euan, thanks very much for getting in touch.

Obviously a keen interest in telly.

Who knows? Maybe one day he'll be running the BBC!

THEY LAUGH Yeah.

Oh, no, no, no, he... He attends state school.

Coming up tonight, Alan will be putting a cork in it —

I wish — as he visits a silent order of monks.

Resident humourist Simon Denton will be taking a sideways look

at good old—fashioned common sense.

I'm sure you've got a zinger about that, Simon.

Oh, yes. What is it?

I'm sure I can rustle something up. Have you got one now?

Not now, no. Not immediately.

Always have something ready.

And Alan will be dropping a bombshell as he reunites

twin brothers who haven't seen one another for over 60 years.

Yes, it's a piece of television I'm very proud of.

When I thought of the idea, I cried.

But we start tonight with haggis.

I went to meet the woman behind

Britain's most controversial delicacy.

It's just a fat, sheep and porridge sausage.

And we're off. Two minutes, guys.

Lynn, look at you go.

That new hip's been the making of you.

Like Robocop or Oscar Pistorius.

What did you go for in the end?

PVC composite.

Ah, Lynn! I said get titanium!

They last for years and years.

What am I talking about? PVC is going to be fine.

Alan. Two things.

Number one, your tie knot needs a tug. Got it. Number two...

I love how you've got into bullet points, Lynn.

I knew you'd like them if you'd tried them.

Number two, the new producer's in. Right.

They didn't go with Peter in the end.

It's a younger chap from E4. Oh, God.

It's fine. You're worrying about nothing.

Change is afoot, Lynn.

Listen to this.

This was the theme tune.

TUNE PLAYS

Now listen to this. They've remixed it.

The electric guitar's got a wacka-wacka sound

like the start of Newsnight.

GUITAR PLAYS Well, what's that got to do with?

Because this is how it starts.

First they came for the theme tune, but I did not speak out,

because I am not a theme tune.

Then they came for the title graphic,

but I did not speak out because I am not a title graphic.

Then they came for me and I was cross,

because I've taken my eye off the ball!

First positions! And we're back on in five, four...

Haggis maker Jill Tickford there, whose culinary pride and joy

has become something of a legal football.

Well, best thing for it, to be honest.

You'd sooner kick one than eat one, definitely.

Now, body language,

from the twizzling of hair to the batting of eyelids. Sound familiar?

There's much our body can tell us.

To explain more, body language expert Clarissa Hoskin.

Great to have you on the show. Hello.

Now, body language —

some call it a sixth sense, others, a hunch about people,

but I actually think it's almost a science, in a funny kind of way.

It is a science. Right... In a very real sort of way. OK.

A lot of people know the pop psychology version

of body language — folding your arms is defensive,

avoiding eye contact means you have something to hide —

but the science itself is a little more forensic than that.

So if a divorcee bites her lip when I say should we skip dessert,

is she anxious or intrigued?

Questions like that, I just don't deal with.

I help people who are high-profile communicators in their field

become more effective. OK. Probably intrigued?

The problem is when you hear the same old BS from people

who think they know a little bit about it. I know, yeah.

I actually do know a little bit about it, so...

Actually, I think we have something that you worked on a few years ago.

Er, yeah. It's just from my clays as a producer—writer—director—

Presenter of straight-to-video instructional videos,

but see what you think.

High five, job-seeker.

You've got yourself an interview.

IN CHORUS: Neat!

But how can you make a good impression using

body language?

An anxious candidate flaps her arms around like an unattended hose.

But if she can't control her arms,

how can she control a sales team of five,

and they're all men?

I know! Gesture one-handed, placing the spare one on her hip.

If in doubt, handle and spout.

Rad!

What's this? No eye contact?

Studies show failure to look at your potential employer

can project qualities including shyness, dishonesty,

gypsy and boredom,

so always maintain eye contact!

Body language!

SCATTERED APPLAUSE Yeah, cheers.

Yeah, it's...

Should you always maintain eye contact? I'd say not.

Right. Even though it helps develop rapport?

Well, you tell me.

I'm looking at you now without breaking eye contact.

Does it make you feel like we have a rapport?

No? Right.

A lot of body language is context-dependent.

Crossing and uncrossing your legs, for example. Mm-hm.

Uncrossing your legs isn't always an invitation.

Like Sharon Stone with, erm... Basic Instinct. Fanny.

But equally when we cross our legs, we're not always being defensive.

Ah, no. Sometimes you cross your legs

just because you want to feel more comfortable.

Yeah, or you've promised to show a brand of socks on TV.

But let's talk about entrances

because when you walked over to the sofa,

I immediately sensed you were confident. Why don't we try it?

Why don't you walk over to me like you're entering my office?

Mm.. BK'. SHE LAUGHS

I'm a bit nervous now.

Jennie Gresham.

You know what, Jennie Gresham? Not bad at all.

Ooh, I think you've found a new friend. I take that back.

It was a little fast, like you wanted to get it over with. OK.

But... So just slow down. OK.

I'd echo most of that.

Keep it nice and easy.

Trot, don't canter.

Now, if you're entering a conference hall,

something I've done on many occasions,

and, Sharon, do feel free to jump in at any stage,

I imagine when you walk in, it'd be something like this.

Head high, long strides, you've got arms — use them!

Segue into a scurry, then it's a hop, skip, jump

and bound onto the podium.

Power stance. Hold it...

...h0ld it...

...hold it, step to the lectern and begin.

Yes, I mean, shoulders were back, head was up,

which suggested confidence.

A little more control in the arms might be useful.

Yeah, I don't agree with that.

Um, let's mix it up.

You're entering a party.

Obviously a lot less formal, but you still want to ooze confidence.

So it's hook jacket,

tuck thumb and amble.

Roll the shoulders,

mosey, stop, scout the room.

There's John. John can wait!

Flick of the hair, grab a drink, you're in.

Free chair? You don't need it.

Lean.

I mean, you've obviously given it a lot of thought.

Thank you.

And that's all we have time for.

Clarissa Hoskin, thank you very much.

Still to come, Alan reunites two long—lost brothers.

Yes, you will see the twins brought together

as we trick one of them onto the studio floor there

under the false pretence of winning a mid-range caravan.

Little does he know that the real prize will be to embrace

his long—lost brother, which I'm quite sure will outweigh

the fact that there is no caravan, because he does like caravans.

But first, in the modern world, where can we go to find some quiet?

Alan Partridge put on his hush puppies and went to find out.

Shh!

Www...

What is silence?

Beethoven understood the difference between noise and silence.

Duh-duh-duh duh! Silence.

Duh-duh-duh DUH! Silence.

Duh-duh-duh-duh, duh-duh-duh-duh — there's less silence after that.

For Beethoven, of course, everything was silent.

Poor chap was deaf as a door post.

But I think silence is becoming so scarce

that one day you'll be able to swap one hour of silence for a bike.

Allow me, then, to be brief and gift you the sound of silence.

CAR CHIMING

Morning. Morning.

Morning.

Don't worry, these men aren't ignoring me —

they're monks.

They keep a lid on it because they think God likes it.

Who am I to tell them any different?

No, I'm here to see

if keeping schtum will increase my sense of inner peace.

We all know people, such as bin men,

who we wish would take a vow of silence.

Well, I'm about to spend the weekend with people who actually have.

Aren't I?

See?

Father Paul, just in case anyone thinks I'm trying to lure you into

breaking some sort of vow of silence by asking you a question,

you can speak, can't you, Father?

Well, I wouldn't be much of a spokesman if I never spoke.

Catty! I like that.

I like that.

Why is it that monks love silence so much?

We all need silence.

And it's harder to find in the modern world.

Yes, what one thinks is silence is often not, because you listen

a little harder, you can hear the beep of a truck reversing,

or in the still of the night

what one thinks is a neighbour's baby crying,

but in actual fact it's two foxes making love with one another.

I suppose the only place one can find true silence

would be outer space.

Hence the phrase "In space, no-one can hear you scream."

From Alien. Yes. I remember when I first saw that,

I thought, "Finally a movie that acknowledges the fact that sound

"cannot travel through a vacuum."

I bet you guys would love a vacuum.

It'd save the brothers having to sweep the floor.

There's that cattiness again!

I mean, you're clearly a character, you definitely are.

From a Christian perspective,

silence is a way of forming a deeper bond with God.

Although some young Christians use noise.

Much the same way that Sirens of Greek mythology would lure

unsuspecting sailors onto the rocks,

the young Christians will sing hymns whilst banging a tambourine,

and in the confusion, you end up believing in God.

Well, every individual has their own way of communing with God,

but that's not to say that silence is purely religious.

I mean, it can work wonders for your mental wellbeing.

Why don't we try it right now?

One minute. OK.

The footage you're watching has been sped up.

Current BBC programming guidelines prohibit on-air silences

over 30 seconds in duration,

except for state funerals, like Diana's, or Springwatch.

While greater flexibility is permitted for BBCs Two and Four,

BBC One viewers are thought to benefit

from content with frequent noises.

ALARM RINGS Ah. There's your minute.

Life as a monk begins at sunrise.

As we quietly dwelt on our relationship with the Lord,

it occurred to me that God, all knowing, invisible,

and all around us is identical to high speed Wi-Fi...

PHONE CHIMES

...which I know for a fact that they have at the monastery.

I wondered what these men might have been before they found God.

Can you read a man's story in his face?

I believe you can.

If I had to guess, I'd say this monk was quite high up in ICI.

This monk also worked for ICI,

but in a more junior role.

I don't have any ideas about this monk.

And this monk briefly joined the band D: Ream,

after Brian Cox left to become a scientist.

I decided to stroll the grounds

and soon found myself walking like a monk, hands behind my back,

nodding at passers by, a smile as my resting face.

But smiling constantly starts to make your face ache.

I wondered if it felt the same for Holly Willoughby.

Although the Bible doesn't mention potted plants,

monks absolutely love them.

But when I lent a hand,

I began to see a very different side to these brothers.

Uh...

You see, silence can be a kindness.

It can show courtesy to a fellow clay pigeon shooter.

But anyone who's driven home with their wife after a row

at a party, will know that silence can be used as a weapon.

Could the monks have been doing the same?

It amused me to imagine I was in an institute

full of angry wives in big brown dresses.

But the more they pretended not to see me,

the more I wondered if it was intentional.

And when a spritely monk snatched my pot,

I became convinced they were trying to break me.

Perhaps they were tapping Morse code messages to each other

on plant pots like, "Why isn't this new man wearing brown?

"Let's pick on him till he either cries...

KNOCKING

"..or cuts his hand."

BANGING

GLASS SHATTERS

GRUNTING

They had won.

Can't you see that I need help?

What are we all doing here?

You get plants at Homebase!

Some might say in breaking my vow of silence

I'd lost a competition with God,

but it felt good.

So I decided to break another rule that had really annoyed me —

no running and jumping.

# Qui tollis peccata mundi

# Dona eis requiem... #

Would God disapprove of this too?

After all, 2,000 years ago, there was another man who got done

for breaking the rules.

Well, I was supposed to spend another night here,

but after injuring my hand

whilst eight monks chose to stand by and do nothing,

or didn't hear — I suspect it was the former —

the folly of what I'm doing here finally dawned on me.

Human beings are meant to talk.

Silence is golden?

Bronze at best.

Whoever you are, men and women, give it a bit of that, good for you.

Right, Burger King.

# It's my life... # THUMPING MUSIC

Now, we've all seen it —

a teenager near a window asking Siri what the weather's like.

A taxi driver using his phone to calculate your change

after you've given him £20 for an £18 fare.

Clearly the change is £2.

But is our addiction to technology actually making us less intelligent?

To gauge the public mood, we cross to Simon Denton —

with a slightly expanded role —

sifting through your texts, tweets and now live calls.

Howdy. Howdy!

So, yeah, bigger role, more responsibility.

Yes, indeed. Finally got that promotion, Ma!

Same money though I think? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

So we've been asking, have we lost good old—fashioned

British common sense?

Eustice says, "Pick up bits of broken glass

"by pressing a slice of damp bread against the floor."

Very good tip. I've done that myself. Yes.

Just remember to bin the bread afterwards.

Which I didn't do. Yes, my lips were lacerated.

Oh, dear. My then girlfriend wouldn't kiss me for a week.

That must have been difficult.

Well, you can do other stuff.

Someone else who says, "| avoid pet odours in my home by..."

Yeah, that's more of a housekeeping tip.

We're really asking a slightly deeper question

about the way we live now.

Have we lost something? Totally.

So Anita says, "If you've lost the end roll of a Sellotape..."

But you're saying... You mean lost something in society, as a society.

So the ones you've selected, are they all just housekeeping tips?

Yes, the tweets are. Right.

We could take a phone call? Let's do it.

Calls are under...

...social...

...and then...

No, not social. Er...

Stay calm. Hang on, I've got it here.

Live and then phone.

Right, there are three phones.

I just put "phone".

No.

Yes. OK. So now, I think we have Steven Tent on line four.

Steven?

Steven, are you there? Steve?

Steven Tent on line four?

Go to... Steve? Go to emails?

Let's do it. Let's do it. Let's fall in love.

Bear with me. Wish there was a bear with you,

he'd probably make a better job of it than you.

Seriously, mate.

Now there is a way of getting from here to emails.

You make it sound like Fort Knox.

Fort! Steven Fort.

It's not Steven Tent on line four.

BOTH: It's Steven Fort on line ten.

Right! Right, well, let's go find him.

Come on, then, what's all the fuss about now?

Let's go. Come on, let's travel! Steven Fort on line ten.

CLICK, DIAL TONE

Just missed him I think.

Here's what we've got coming up for the rest of the show.

Off air. 30 seconds, guys.

Lynn, what's he doing?

The new producer? He seems pleased. Good.

He gave Jennie a thumbs up. Jennie?

Lynn, there are two Comic Relief glitter cannons in the loading bay

set aside because of concerns over plastic pollution.

I need them set off.

Quickly! Use those hips while they last.

First positions.

And we're back on in five, four...

Now, some questions seem to have been with us forever.

Is there a God? To be or not to be?

Should I ever buy a Japanese car?

Should I ever buy a Korean car?

Should I ever buy a Chinese car?

No!

In my opinion.

But should Heathrow get a third runway feels as old as the hills.

Joining us now from the British Airports Authority

is our very own Ruth Duggan.

Hello, Ruth. Hello, Jennie. Hi, Ruth.

Ruth, we've been here before, haven't we?

Actually, no. It's my first time here.

I meant... But it's certainly a debate we've heard many times.

That's absolutely right, Jennie.

The ongoing question of runway expansion.

I'm not sure there's any talk of expanding a runway.

Isn't it about adding a runway? Exactly right, Jennie.

The benefits of a third runway are well known,

but a new study suggests the harm caused by air traffic

is worse than first thought.

But if the flight path goes through a residential area

or even a school...

They tend to pass over schools rather than through them.

But you take my point.

I take your point. You take my point.

I take your point.

I've forgotten my point now.

Now, this study... Which was your intention.

...it found that children in schools affected by aviation noise

developed poorer reading and memory skills.

Absolutely right, Jennie.

Just a five-decibel increase in aircraft noise

is associated with a two-month delay in reading age.

While some say that runway expansion...

A third runway.

...will boost the British economy... The UK economy.

...by as much as 30 billion.

Billion pounds.

Was that not clear?

Well, you didn't specify the currency.

It could've been 30 billion euros.

Or 30 billion dollars. Exactly, Jennie.

Or 30 billion guineas, or 30 billion francs,

or 30 billion Deutschmarks.

Oh, yeah, but they're euros now. That's right, Jennie.

And that's what the aviation lobby wants to focus on,

and not the health concerns which could affect thousands.

Thousands of what, Ruth? But with so much at stake...

Chairs? Beans? Cats? ..and the two sides so entrenched...

Grapes? Crabs? ..expect the debate to continue for some time.

People. Ah, gotcha, sorry, just wasn't clear, that's all.

Ruth Duggan there.

And who knows what the future holds for Heathrow?

That's the 64,000 question, brackets dollars, eh, Ruth? She's gone.

Now, imagine a holiday where instead of just putting photos of your meals

on Facebook, or daydreaming of the better holiday you'd be having

if you didn't have kids,

you'd actually appreciate the place you're in.

Well, BBC One travel show A Sense Of Place has captured

the nation's imagination.

Up and down the country,

all the talk is about its presenter Sam Chatwin.

Some of it very positive.

Here he is in Tanzania, having a run in with a slightly curious hippo.

It's hilarious, isn't it? I haven't seen it.

90 seconds, guys.

Hello, you horrible lot! Ha-ha!

Now, I couldn't come here without bringing you some goodies, could I?

Got some books from the TV series, there you go.

Who's a good catch? Ha-ha-ha.

That's great!

Oh, stick around, guys, I've got a few things from the green room —

two plain white towels, a bottle of still water,

a couple bottles of fizzy water.

In fact, who wants this? Over here, Alan!

Hello, monkey.

Hello, you. Hi, Sam.

Nice to see you. At work.

We should do this again.

Actually, I've not seen you two guys since I found out you were dating.

It was that paparazzi shot of you hugging over the tennis net

with the headline "40 Love."

I don't know where they got the 40 from.

Probably my age. Well, it's close enough.

I supposed there is no 49 love.

But you make a cracking couple!

Aw, thank you. That's so kind of you to say.

And I mean, the thing is, I actually mean it.

I mean, you know, like, contrasting hair colours, that works well.

Height differential — large but manageable.

And you've got, Sam, that extra bit of public school confidence

that makes up for any shortfall Jennie might have.

So you've got the right amount of confidence between you.

And we're back in five, four...

A Sense Of Place there, and I'm pleased to say we're

joined by its creator and friend of This Time, Sam Chatwin.

APPLAUSE Thank you so much Jennie, Alan.

Sam Chatwin — producer, writer, charitable fundraiser,

and perhaps Britain's best loved TV presenter.

Ha-ha, best loved! I don't know what gives you that idea.

Well, I just lifted it from your website. Right.

But, I mean, who would dispute it?

All of a sudden you are everywhere, you're like iPhones or...

Coffee shops. Or what else do you see everywhere? Simon?

Childhood obesity?

What can I say? People have responded to the show,

testament, I think, to the strength of the premise.

And it's such a simple idea!

You ask a celebrity to name their favourite place

and the two of you head there and truly explore.

So you've had the Giant's Causeway with jenson Button...

I'd love to see that.

...Balmoral with Morgan Freeman... I'd love to see that.

...and North Wales with Amanda Holden.

And, of course, Jennie Gresham in Reykjavik.

Which, from the clips I saw, looked wonderfully cosy.

We became very close on that trip.

And, you know, I think there's a lot to be said for cosiness, Alan.

For all the far flung places we go to, there's comfort in the familiar.

I mean, even coming here,

I know I only guest presented a few times,

but the warmth of the welcome... APPLAUSE

...it always feels like I'm coming home. Aw!

I live here now.

So, why do you think the show has gained such an audience?

I think, somehow we bottle the Boys' Own adventure of those trips

we enjoyed as children and put it on the screen.

You know, I fondly remember long summer holidays.

We'd just pack up and head off to Kenya.

Father would hand us a camera and a notebook each,

and we'd march off after breakfast and just explore the place.

Yeah. I remember packing up and heading off to Anglesey,

and Father would hand me a jigsaw after breakfast

and just say, "Do that."

And, you know, it wasn't until the next time we came

together as a family, perhaps home from school after Michaelmas...

Michaelmas? Michaelmas term.

Michaelmas? ..that we'd share our photographs and jottings

and this show is an attempt to capture that magic.

And now your show is now so popular

that it's given rise to a spin-off book.

It has, although I tend not to think of it as a spin off.

I wanted it to be a book very much in its own right, and I think it is.

Yeah. I mean, absolutely.

Because on the one hand, there's A Sense Of Place, the TV show

with Sam Chatwin, and then right over here, you've got this book,

A Sense Of Place, by Sam Chatwin:

Tales From The Hit BBC One Show A Sense Of Place With Sam Chatwin.

I mean, if it captures some of the magic of the show,

that's all well and good. In fact, there's a passage I'd like to read.

Sam, I would like nothing more.

It'd be like all my Michaelmasses coming at once.

But, alas, time is against us.

We're about to witness a very special moment of live TV.

But for now, Sam Chatwin, huge apols,

but great to have you on the show.

Thank you. And I hope you both enjoy the book.

Alan, you can keep that one. Cheers.

Jennie, this one's for you.

Now, TV often gets a bad rap — too formulaic, too cynical, too lazy.

But every so often, along comes a heart-rending moment

of real humanity... It's blank. Oh! Really?

Sam! Sam, what are you...?

AUDIENCE GASP

Jennie Gresham,

I hope you'll forgive this rather self-indulgent interruption

but you mean a great, great deal to me.

And, recently, our relationship has developed into something

rather more, something special.

I suppose, in my rather English way, I'm...

He's asking you to marry him. Yes!

Oh, what a wonderful way to end that section...

KISSING

...of the show.

OK. They're saying can we see the ring? So just this camera here.

Oh, yes! There. That camera there. There you go.

As you can see, a bit of a mad house here!

But it's live TV.

Move! Sam, Jennie, colossal congratulations.

Now, sometimes along comes a piece of television...

Mm, smell those! Mm, nice!

Along comes a piece of television

that makes you think, you know what? We're not so...

BANG Oh! Oh!

Amazing. That's not for them! Thank you!

It's not for you! It's not for you.

Aw! It's for the long—lost brothers.

Which I'm afraid we will have to leave today.

No, no, no! Apologies.

Alas, the unplanned intervention by this little so-and-so... No!

Guilty! ..has knocked our timings for six.

Go and get one of the twins!

Rest assured, we will reunite them backstage... Either of them!

...and give you the full story on how it all went in tomorrow's show.

I can do this, I can do this.

I've got this, just get him out.

Where is he? Bring him out. There.

Clap him now! It's fine, I'll speak fast. Now, George Reynard.

Tom Reynard. Tom Reynard. Why did I say George?

I used to have a brother called George. Right.

Yes, sorry. Tom comes out first.

Pardon? I've ruined it.

Ruined what? Tom Reynard. You and twin brother.

Twin die in hospital. Except that not true.

Twin not die.

Twin given up for adoption cos Mum not cope.

Say "Aw." Too slow. AUDIENCE: Aw.

Twin grow up in Sydney.

He leave school, become plumber, good job, cash in hand, pay no tax.

Sorry, I sounded a bit Chinese there.

Five years back, mum die.

Boo-hoo. He find papers.

"Hang on, she not real mum."

Try track down you, can't find, but we help find.

Brother here now.

Where's Tom? I'm Tom.

George, then! Did you hear all that? This bloke's your twin.

Going to cry? No?

All right.

Good bye.

LIGHT APPLAUSE

Terrible television.

What about the caravan? There isn't one.