Original subtitles

That's a hairdresser's car. You're talking out the place where the sun don't shine, Terry.

You're 0nly paying for the name. Talk to me when you've driven one.

Look up. I don't need to drive one.

Look down. Three cylinder, 1.5?

Yeah, but, Terry, you're not the target buyer.

Nor are you, mate.

Hey, watch where youtre looking, you. You told me to look there.

Not like that I didntt.

I should report you. What are you like?

No, d-don't do that. I'm not like anything.

Please don't report me, I'll get suspended.

I tm only playing.

You dontt need to worry about me.

I tm more of an old -fashioned girl.

SHE LAUGHS

Your face!

SHE CHUCKLES

ALAN LAUGHS AWKWARDLY

CHUCKLl NG CONTI NUES

Yeah, get the Sport to spec it up, mate.

Clear the floor! Titles in five, four...

Is she new?

This programme contains some strong language

SCATTERED APPLAUSE

Hello! And welcome to This Time with Alan Partridge...

And jennie Gresham.

And I couldn't begin without saying a huge thank you to everyone

who sent kind wishes to Sam and me on 0ur engagement.

So thoughtful. Thank you.

Hey, we couldn't be, by the way, more thrilled for you.

The whole team has been as giddy as school gir*. Aw, thank you.

The St Trinian's types,

not the modern 0nes who edit their own faces.

And, to that end, I will now gift you this.

It's a horse's shoe.

Aw! Alan, that's lovely. To bring me g00d luck?

It...it was actual* given to my mother in the '50s

by an itinerant tinker or gypsy.

Rumour has it that that is the shoe that was worn by the horse

that trampled that suffragette.

Trying to remember her name.

Emily Davison. No, the horse!

So, yes, that is a lucky horse shoe.

It literal* and metaphorical* hoofed women into suffrage.

Now, you may remember from last week jennie's uncompromising

interview with Armed Forces Minister Patrick Hincliffe,

over the failure to pay pensions to war heroes,

some of whom helped recapture the Falklands for Margaret Thatcher.

I've got to say, jennie, it was a stunning piece of journalism.

Thank you. TV journalism.

Wel* thank you. I'm not s0 sure the minister thought s0.

You know, there will a*ays be those people who categorise a woman

asking tough questions as nagging.

You know what I say? Let 'em!

Because, at the end of the day henpecking works.

That's why hens do it.

Now, just 48 hours later,

the Government has announced a change of direction.

Let's take a l00k.

And wetre off air. 30 seconds on VT.

I spoke to the... Oh, Jesus, Lynn!

My God, you should work for Mossad.

I think they dress up as 0ld women when they need to kill someone.

The editor of TV Choice phoned about the front cover

of you and Jennie dressed as cowboys.

The one where she's lassoing me, yes.

Yeah...

Lynn, if bad news had a smel* you'd stink.

They're not running it any more.

They're doing a piece on her and Sam.

You're not going to like the headline.

They've dressed them in gold suits.

"TV's new golden couple."

They want to know if you'd like to give them a quote.

Absolute* not.

That's like asking Jesus to give judas a big Easter egg!

ALAN EXHALES

What's the most efficacious, positive thing we can say?

Hmm...

How about, "A spokeswoman said, Mr Partridge supports this union."

Perfect. just change it to "spokesman".

Oh, Ruth, sorry again for the misunderstanding with your father.

Water under the bridge. Yeah.

It's just that I 'd just not seen him in the studio before

and the reason I said, "I thought I told you to wait in the car,"

was because I mist00k him for my Uber driver.

I don't know if you know but the picture

they show on the app is quite small.

To be honest, I quite enjoyed watching you squirm.

Hi, Ruth. She never gives me a bloody inch, this one!

Wetre going live in five, four...

Welcome back!

Now, as past of 0ur Crackdown On Crime season,

today we're l00king at punishment.

Yesterday we heard your views on the return of flogging.

But today, is mass imprisonment still g00d policy?

Ruth Duggan joins us to tell us about a very different approach.

That's right, Jennie, because for the last 24 hours

Alan has been wearing an electronic tag.

Voluntarily, I should add. Yes, you should, if you don't mind!

Sorry, I wouldn't want to cast you in a bad light.

Yeah, don't do that, we'll get letters.

Yeah, serious*. Some people just don't like it.

So, Ruth, tell us about the tag. How does it work?

So, tags allow probation services to monitor compliance

with home detention curfews.

Essential*, if you aren't home when you're meant to be,

it raises the alarm. Not quite right. OK?

The latest tags, like the one you wore,

monitor all of the 0ffender's movements, 24í7, using GPS.

Right, I see. I thought you told me...

Allowing us to track all their movements in real time,

or call up anywhere they've been over the last 24 hours.

Wow. Right.

Something civil liberties groups might well take issue with. Yes.

So this is your movement map for the 24 hours that you wore it. Ooh.

OK.

And we can see that you made a few excursions during the day.

Starting with a trip to a swimming p00* between 10 and 11am.

Mm- hm. Put in a few lengths.

Wel* we know from the p00l's website that it was water aerobics

from 10 till 11. Yes. This week I did do that.

Then there was a visit to Svenson Cosmetic Solutions.

Is that a clinic?

You were there for an hour just after 2pm.

No idea.

Wel* we know you were.

No idea. But it was you who went there.

You don't remember?

Nothing. It was yesterday, Alan.

That's something a probation 0fficer might flag.

Hair clinic?!

Likewise your next stop, a visit to a clothes shop.

Ah, yes! McGovern's of Norwich. Gentleman's outfitters.

They made me a pair of twill pleated notchback trousers

for the G00dw00d Revival Festiva*

which I needed to get fitted with an elastic waist.

I'm afraid when it comes to my battle with my waistline,

I'm waving the white flag.

Not t00 se* conscious to admit that, you know,

which proves I wasn't trying to conceal anything earlier.

You went back and forth to the gents 0utfitters 16 times. That's correct.

Which, again, a probation 0fficer would query,

as it might imply illicit activity.

Or even indicate mental health issues. Could do.

I mean, I do ten sudokus a week. But, yeah, could do.

Wel* you can see how it l00ks 0dd. Not real*.

I went to town to drop my trousers off, then it started raining,

s0 I ran home, then I remembered I 'd driven into town.

So I ran back to the car park for my car,

but realised I left my parking ticket at home,

s0 I went back home to get my parking ticket,

but couldn't get in because I left my house keys in the car.

I walked back to the car, got the keys, walked back home,

got the parking ticket, walked back to town for the car,

and drove it back home.

Then McGovern's called to say my trousers were ready.

So I drove back int0 town, got the trousers but I realised

I 'd left my wallet at home s0 I couldn't leave the car park again.

Walked home, got my wallet, then walked back to get my car,

but I 'd left the car keys at home, so then I walked back

to the car and drove home.

Then I realised McGovern had given me the wrong trousers,

s0 I drove back to town, swapped them for the right ones,

before walking home.

That means you left your car... Forget the car!

I'm not bothered about the car. I was in pain. My scalp was bleeding.

Ruth Duggan, thank you very much. You're welcome.

Here's what's coming up in the rest of the show.

And wetre off.

Howard. Howard. Howard!

Sor... Sor-Sorry to bother you.

I don't know what you think, but I'm slight* worried

about jennie going on about this bloody engagement.

Thrilled to bits for her. Obvious*.

But I worry that for the viewer it trivialises

the rest of the content, you know, drags it down a bit?

Bit low- brow.

It's a bit lTV, isn't it?

Wel* it does play well. Yeah...

I n Saudi Arabia, public beheadings play well in football stadiums,

but you can't help thinking,

"Is that the best use of a football stadium?"

OK, I understand. But we do need to think about the human interest.

Mmm. Hmm. Mm- hmm.

Simon's just learned to swim,

perhaps we should spend 20 minutes on that?

All right, let's go.

And wetre back in five, four...

Welcome back!

Now, Norman Stanley Fletcher,

the Guildford Four ff.

Slopping out, "Wh0's the daddy?"

Mr Bridger,

"You want some?"

"Shut it, you nonce! "

Ne*0n Mandela, Bobby Sands,

Andy Cou*0n, the Wests.

We all have 0ur favourite prisoner.

But a new survey out this week asks

whether 0ur prisons are doing more harm than g00d.

We sent Alan int0 the heart of the criminal justice system.

London, the year 2023,

and leather-clad renegade Nero Costa is on the run.

With the police now able to detect wrongdoing before it's happened

by accessing 0ur brains over Wi- Fi for signs of thought crime,

police are able to apprehend

s0-called pre-crimina* without trial.

My character, Ner0 Costa, is wanted for the murder of a politician

he is yet to even meet.

Viva la revolucion!

Aha!

GUNFl RE

The stuff there of some dystopian sci-fi movie,

current* seeking seed finance and a distributor.

I n real life, though, with the thought police confined

to the Guardian's comment pages,

we re* on mass imprisonment to curb crime.

But some criminal justice campaigners

even take issue with that.

Why? Wel* in '97' researchers at Stanford University

conducted a prison experiment in which volunteers were given

roles as inmates or guards.

Within days, the guards had become sadistic and crue*

the prisoners servile and weak -

a power dynamic familiar to anyone

wh0's stayed with their wife's parents at Christmas.

I have personal experience of the kind of damage

the Stanford Experiment can cause.

I n 2004, I'm ashamed to say that I took part

in a Channel 4 rehash named Loose Screws.

If you ever want to see your kids again,

you'd better start showing some respect.

Right, wh0's next?

The series was never broadcast.

Where's Vernon?

Academics pour scorn on 0ur prisons

from the comfort of their leather big chairs.

But how many have ever been in a prison?

None! Whereas I've come to sample a bit of porridge first hand.

Not the kind I have for breakfast.

Organic 0ats, linseed, sliced nana,

all washed out with piping hot coffee and my tablets.

BUZZER But the... Hello?

It's Alan Partridge, I've got permission.

But the kind of porridge served at Her Majesty's pleasure.

Where the 0n* piping hot coffee

is the hot coffee thrown in your face by a troubled teenager

with a rubbish dad.

That's right - borstal.

Tissue, item, semi-used.

Access key insignia with leather toggle.

Chicken shop wet wipes, five units.

I didn't want to go to a men's prison,

but seeing as the women's prison didn't get back to me,

I would be incarcerated here, in a youth offenders institute.

Loads of 'ps, for the homeless.

And the gloves?

Why?

To kick 0ff, I spent what seemed like an hour

with prison governor Maurice Pe*.

It's about carrot and stick, isn't it?

A*hough you can't hit people with a carrot.

He said the boys nicknamed him Strangeways

because he used to work there.

But I'll let you be the judge.

When these young lads walk through these d00rs and become inmates,

I stand them where you are now and I say... What?

"You blew it, kid."

I say, " Forget what might have been."

Three words, Alan.

Three words that are banned in my 0ffice -

shoulda, woulda, coulda.

"Shoulda done this, shoulda done that."

You didn't.

"Coulda done this, coulda done that."

You didn't.

"Woulda done this, woulda done that.

"You didn't." No, YOU didn't.

I liked Maurice.

His inspirational shtick could be a little preachy,

honed by Sunday mornings spent as a Christian minister,

but if he thinks we have a soul inside us,

like some sort of h0* spleen, where's the harm in that?

Because you know what the prize is? It's a future.

What's the prize? The future?

Wrong. No.

Not TH E future - A future.

There's a boy's eye.

Because changing direction is a choice.

But whose choice? Mine?

It slow* dawned on me Maurice was asking questions he knew

he and I both knew the answers to.

Which fe* like cheating.

Then again, a*hough a bit simplistic for the likes of me...

Where is it? Behind you.

...it was perfect for daft lads.

Governor Maurice has very kind* allowed me to spend a night

at the facility, in a r00m current* closed for refurb.

Right, well. Here it is.

There's a l00, there. Modesty wall.

Fee* like some sort of epoxy resin.

It's a little pokey,

not unlike my assistant's lounge.

The lighting is terrible, no dimmer switches.

Again, like my assistant's lounge.

There's a few, uh, materia* for ablutions.

T00thbrush, t00thpaste, bog rol*

soap, comb - quite a g00d one, I'll have that.

Uh, yeah, it's not the Ritz.

It's, to be fair, more like a Marriott.

But tonight, for me, it's home.

But before I got my head down, it was time to chow down.

Do I pay for this? No-one pays, mate.

Wel* the taxpayer does.

But I was wary.

Anyone sitting here?

First impressions matter in the clink.

And these were some of the toughest teenagers in Wi*shire.

Leroy, Smithy

and, to a lesser extent, Ken.

The main thing was not to stand out,

keep my head down and my nose clean.

How did I do? Pretty wel* I think,

my nervousness 0n* occasional* spilling out

int0 a fixation with the availability of milk.

Oh, there's milk?

I didn't know there was milk.

Can I have some milk?

"Eight o'clock - New Faces,

"with regulars Mickie Most and Tony Hatch."

Fortunate*, I found some 0ld copies of the TV Times from the '70s

and I was able to break the ice by reading them out loud.

"Nine o'clock - Armchair Thriller.

"A man returns home to find his wife has been replaced by someone e*e."

"'O:30 - Film.

"Roger M00re stars in '969 caper Crossplot."

What channel's this?

This is just Central. I haven't got to the regional variations yet.

You see, up until 20 years ag0,

ITV were split in '5 different franchises.

So, if you were in Leeds you'd be watching Yorkshire TV.

I n Newcastle, that would be Tyne Tees.

Where I'm from, it was Anglia.

What the fuck are you on about?

ALAN SIGHS

I magine lTV is a housing estate.

There are '5 dealers, punting a bit of this, a bit of that.

Then one day tw0 big guys roll up, blacked-out Range Rover,

bit of muscle. That's Car*on and Granada.

They l00k around and say, "We team up, this can be our manor.

"We could sort these tarts right out."

So, they flash the cash, bang a few heads together,

couple of years later it's floated as ITV PLC.

All wrapped up with a pretty little bow.

ALAN LAUGHS CONTENTEDLY

You couldn't make it up.

For it was the night locked in my cell that would be the acid test.

Caged in a box with neither Wi- Fi nor air freshener,

I s00n fe* the wal* closing in.

I was going slow* insane.

My 0n* friend, a ping pong ball I 'd named Ball Pong Ping.

Oh God... ff.

DOOR UNLOCKS

Morning.

Wel* that wasn't t00 bad.

Um, after the initial anxiety had subsided,

I found that the solitude was quite usefu* I was able to

unjumble a lot of muddled thoughts that had dogged me for a while.

For example, I devised a new system for storing kitchen utensi*

that ensures the most common* used items are closest to hand.

It works like this, every time you use an item,

it moves one space nearer to the hob.

Over time, the little used items you bought from a covered market -

apple corer, spaghetti measurer, spiralizer -

gravitate to the furthermost reaches of the drawer through lack of use,

while the essentia*, such as your wooden spoon and tin opener,

will a*ays be vying for top spot where they belong.

It's fair, tamper- pr00f and great for your mental hea*h.

Now, you've got to excuse me,

I have to go join a group of young men for a morning nosh.

Nosh is cockney for meal.

Just the man. Er, as discreet* as possible, uh...

How do I put this? My latrine has a tissue issue.

So, I'll leave it in your capable hands.

My conclusion, if prisoners have the right attitude,

the prison system is broad* fine.

Like Ner0 Costa, my initial misgivings were gone.

I'm joined now by Simon Denton, a man you'd never find in a prison.

Broadm00r, more like! Ha, yes. Now all week...

A secure hospital. I ndeed.

Now all week... Diminished responsibility.

Wel* we can diminish your responsibilities if you like.

Now, all week we've been seeking views from about the country.

Yes, indeed y. We asked whether prison, community service,

or a police caution were the best way to punish non-violent 0ffences.

Now, 0ften, in a chart like this, people would refer to them

as pieces of cheese. Or pie?

Or maybe slices of cake?

Or pie? Obsessed with pie.

It's a pie chart!

But today, to keep it themed, I've gone for slices of porridge.

Can you slice porridge? If it's thick.

So, a whopping 86ofo said non-violent 0ffenders

should 0nly get a police caution. Down you come.

Only 4ofo said prison.

Now, if we... Wait, wait, wait.

On* 4ofo?

And 86ofo just said a police caution?

For non-violent crimes.

Are you sure?

The pie don't lie! It's porridge.

Right. Let's have a l00k at the nation.

So the bowls of porridge indicate where people called in from.

So we have Doncaster, we have Styal.

Belmarsh? Belmarsh is there, yeah.

Simon, these are all prisons. Uh- huh.

Sorry, is that not what you... Why would it be?

You said we're asking prisoners what should we do with them?

No, I said, we were asking - col0n -

"Prisoners - dash - what should we do with them?"

Not... You asked prisoners what we should do with them.

Prisoners aren't going to give you an objective answer.

Chickens don't vote for Christmas. Turkeys. But, yeah.

This is not the place. But that's not what it could have been.

Fell short. What e*e have you got?

ALAN SIGHS

Now, every day this week,

we've been meeting some of Britain's most extraordinary ordinary people.

Yesterday I met an ice cream man who's secret* been giving

ice creams to children for free.

But today, jennie journeys north to meet '2 recruitment consu*ants

from Preston who have formed a choir.

Their name? Vocal Support.

I ncredible.

Here's her report.

And wetre off.

Keep taking the tablets.

I do take tablets. Wel* take more then!

ALAN CLEARS HIS THROAT

Hey, theytre right about you. You do smell nice.

I tve got a chair that smells like you.

A chair?

Arentt you going to say that I smell nice?

You smell nice.

Itts my new perfume.

I tve got it on this silver handkerchief.

Have a sniff.

ALAN SNl FFS

Bring your nose down.

Right down.

What do you think?

Mmm. Swimming p00*. Go0d smell.

Yeah, it is. See ya.

" People"? Yes, wel* who though?

Because I don't think I have been going on about it.

And if there's someone on the team that has a problem with me,

I think I want to know who it is.

Yes, fine, I will bear it in mind.

Yeah.

Did you hear that? Yeah?

Someone has complained,

saying that I'm talking about my engagement t00 much.

Whaaat?!

That's ridiculous!

Wh0 would say that? I ...

God almighty, I've a g00d mind to

round everyone up and put a flea in their ear.

Don't. They'll just say I'm a diva.

No, n0, n0.

There's a culprit at large, I want someone fingered,

and I don't care who he or she is.

It's fine, Alan.

Jennie, I'm happy to do it.

Do you know what, then?

If you think it would help, then yeah.

Actual* that's a g00d point, if...

Cos when you make waves it can make your own boat bob about a bit.

And you don't want bobby boat bother.

Yeah, you're right. I'll just ask people to stop

passing on congratulations on air. I think that is real* smart.

Do you think I was going on about it?

I don't think you were going on about it.

And even if I did, I don't think it trivialises the show, so...

Trivialises...

The person that spoke to Howard, that's the word they used.

Yeah, that's such an 0verused word by people these days.

It's ridiculous. Think of another word! Mm.

And wetre back on in five, four... It's so overused.

Is it? Yeah. Mm.

Now 0ur final guest tonight is a man who gave up the bright

lights of showbiz, following, as he'll tell us himse*,

a brush with Alan Partridge.

Go0d name for a show, that. It is.

And, having taken a new direction, he's now helping 0thers do the same.

Please welcome a man I have seldom seen

but never forgotten,

Joseph B Beasley.

To you and me, joe Beasley.

Joe, you were a comedian and entertainer

and were invited 0nt0 a BBC chat show, hosted by Alan here, in 1994.

Let's just remind 0urselves what happened.

# Knowing me, knowing you... #

This is the fresh face and g00d looks of young comedian joe Beasley,

pictured here on the right.

Joe was hungry for a shot at the big time.

Joe Beasley, and Cheeky Monkey!

Yet when I gave him a chance on my own show, he fell apart.

So here's a little joke, right.

What do you get if you cross Fred Flintstone...

Er, n0, not what if you cross...

LAUGHTER

What d'ya... What d'ya get if you erm...

And we went up the big, up the big dipper... Oh, God.

And when he began assau*ing the monkey,

I had...

...to in...

...tervene.

MONKEY SHRl EKS

ECHOl NG: Don't touch it!

It was an act of mercy.

The wonderful joe Beasley and Cheeky Monkey.

When I posted the animal back to him,

I received the curtest of replies - "Ape received".

When a monkey bears his teeth, it's an act of aggression.

But when joe showed me his this morning,

I knew it was probab* just a smile.

Oh, you must have thought it would be your big break?

Oh, I did.

But you can see what happened. I mean, everything fell apart.

I went from her0 to zer0 literally 0vernight.

15 straight summers with Hoseasons, I was king of the camps.

He was. It was all laid on for me, the beer, the fags, you name it.

Chalet gir*? Oh, yeah. Waitresses.

Cleaners. And I lost myse*.

It all came crashing down on your show.

Rehearsal's s0 important, isn't it?

People have tried to comfort me.

They said it could've been much worse.

Someone said, " If you'd gone on any 0ther show in that slot,

"twice as many people would have seen it."

Yeah. I'm not sure that's accurate.

And that's always been a great comfort to me.

And then things went from bad to worse?

That was the tipping point.

I mean, after that, everything changed.

The phone stopped ringing, the b00kings dried up.

And, wel* surprise surprise, we started drinking.

Right. And when you say "we", would that be you and your partner,

or your wife, or... No, n0.

Oh, that's strange.

Where's he gone? He was here a minute ag0?

Has anybody seen him?

He's there! He was there!

Where is he? Has anyone seen Cheeky Monkey?

He's there. He's there!

Where? I n the case!

Ah!

LAUGHTER

End of the pier!

Hey, pack it in, you! Calm down.

This is exact* their level!

Oh, your breath!

O00h- h00!

Have you had that Peperami out of my bag?

He's nodding! He's nodding now.

No! Leave it, he's not worth it.

Everything OK?

He just doesn't like a grass.

Right. I was just trying to join in.

Come on, you grassed him up.

But, yeah, I was the one in a bad way.

I believe you ran up debts

and ended up having to ch00se between your house and your car?

That's right, s0 I chose the car. Cheeky says,

"You can't drive your house, but you can sleep in your car."

As long as the car's r00my. Was it...

It was a 30-year-0ld Ford Fiesta 1.1.

Right. I mean, how the heck do you sleep in that?

Fold up the rear seats, you break the passenger seat,

and then you can fit a lil0 in, diagonally.

Is he OK? He's got a bit of a bee in his bonnet,

about when you cut my act short, when I was on your show.

Right. Leave it, Cheeky.

I told you not to bring it up. Just leave it!

Wel* it was live TV.

Yeah, try telling him that.

OK, and that's when you reinvented yourse* as a drugs counsellor,

which is fantastic. Wel* not straight away.

After I turned a corner, that's when Cheeky here,

he started to spiral out of control.

Oh? Cheeky? Yeah, it's quite sad, really.

He wanted to see his mother for one last time.

So he hitched a ride to Chester Z00. Go on.

But when he got there it was t00 late.

Go on. She'd been put to sleep.

Oh. Did he go ape?

Oh, p00r Cheeky.

I think he wants you to come over and apol0gise. Ladies and gentleman,

boys and girls, do you think he should apol0gise?

Yes, go and apol0gise! Go on.

All right, I'm very sorry, Cheeky. I'll try not to joke in the future.

It'll be all right now, it was a bad time for him.

You know, you weren't to know.

He was working as a rent monkey in Sa*0rd.

What, for sex?

And now, fast forward 25 years from your showbiz career,

and you're performing to a different kind of audience.

Yeah, that's right.

We visit prisons and we talk to young 0ffenders

and those with addiction problems.

Now, you're going to give some advice

to a couple of our This Time viewers, aren't you?

And Cheeky.

So, I believe we've got an email from Caroline in Milton Keynes,

who asks...

Is a monkey the right person to be seeking advice from?

Wel* the important thing is to get to a safe place.

Call 999.

If you can't talk, dial 55.

The police will flag it as domestic abuse

and be able to trace your call.

Oh, yeah. Cheeky says, " Help is out there. You're not alone."

I was going to say that!

Genuine* g00d advice. Sound advice, there.

Wel* we all need help.

It's a jungle out there.

Wel* maybe that's why Cheeky fits in. What?

I'll deal with this.

What do you mean, "Cheeky fits in"?

Well...

Go on.

Wel* monkeys like the jungle.

Hey, n0!

No, Cheeky, n0! You promised me!

You'll ruin everything ! Not again, Cheeky!

No, n0!

Cheeky! You'll muck things up!

Come on! Christ!

J ENNl E LAUGHS

I'm s0, s0 sorry.

You're fucking mental.

Apol0gies there.

They do say, never work with children or animals.

I'm afraid that's all we have time for.

Joe, and of course, Cheeky Monkey,

it's been a pleasure having you on the show.

I hope that didn't trivialise any of the issues discussed.

And that's all from This Time.

Join us next time on This Time.

Go0dnight.

And wetre off.

Wel* that went wel* ey?

You real* hurt my neck.

Oh, give over, you'll be all right.

That stuff with the monkey, that's all made up?

Yeah, it's just a load of bollocks.

It's a prop for kids and vulnerable people.

I've got a dozen Cheeky's in a bin bag at home.

Right. So, how's it going with you, then?

Ah, g00d, you know. I'm back on BBC One.

No! Up here.

Yeah, yeah, g00d.

Scale of one to ten?

Four.

I've been lower. Right.

Call me.

Any time. Right.

And it'll just be you on your 0wn?

Yeah.

Abba-dabbad00.