Original subtitles

What the fuck?

And I'll still be in love with you.

It's that way that you, uh...

It's the way that you...

Wait, shit. Come on, Dave, what is it?

That, uh... That amazing... It's that amazing way that...

Who are you talking to? Oh! Jesus.

You scared the crap out of me. Sorry.

No, it's all right. I just... Um, I thought I was alone.

So you were talking to no one? No.

You go to Humphrey? Yeah. Westerberg?

North. Do you know whose party this is?

No, not a clue. What about you? No, I don't know.

I got brought by some friends. Not even friends, really, just these girls.

They might be whores. Or at least whorish.

The guys I hang out with, we drive around all night

calling everyone we know, just looking for some party.

I mean, any party...

We'll finally find one, and we'll get here and we won't know anybody

so we just stand around and eventually just leave,

go look for some other party.

That's silly. Why do you do it? What else are you gonna do, right?

Why'd you come out tonight? I don't know.

A laugh, maybe. But I'm not looking for a boyfriend.

I got someone. I mean, kind of. I have a dude.

Who? Why?

Maybe I know him. You don't. He's older.

So why aren't you in there right now

putting moves on some waifish sophomore with low self-esteem?

I just kind of have one girl that I'm kind of interested in.

So, what's her name? Jane.

Jane Nussbaum? Harmon.

So, what's your name?

Dave. Dave, I'm Aubrey.

Audrey. Aubrey.

Aubrey. Yeah.

And you go to North. Senior?

Junior. Right. Of course you are, yeah.

What is that supposed to mean? Am I not mature enough for you?

No, of course not. I mean, no, of course you are.

It's just, uh, you don't have that look in your eye, you know?

Not sure I do. That desperate, kind of demented look.

The "Whoo, I'm a senior and I'm graduating in less than a month,

and all my nights of drunken high school parties are almost over."

Right? You got that look

So this girl Jane, she, um... She doesn't like you back?

She likes me. Um, platonically. As a friend.

Oh, I know what "platonically" means. I'm a junior, not a moron.

I'm sorry. - It's cool, Dave.

So have you tried? Like actually tried?

I think she's gonna hook up with Brendan Meltzer tonight.

Ooh, my friend hooked up with Brendan once.

There you go. He is ripped.

What are you doing to me?

I'm just saying if she's with Brendan I wouldn't get my hopes up.

Well, trust me, they're not up, okay? That's why I'm out here.

Because you're hiding? I'm not hiding.

Fleeing? No.

Fleeing? Yeah.

I just... Ugh. I had to get out of there, okay?

I couldn't exactly stand around watching the girl that I'm in love with

flirt with the best-looking guy ever. It's torture.

Want some gum? No, thanks. I'm good.

Yeah, actually.

Uh, I should get back inside before, you know, they leave without me.

Hey, let me ask you a question.

Hmm?

Do you think it's possible that there's something I could say to this girl,

uh, just some way I could tell her how I feel

in a way that just would make her fall for me? You know?

What do you have in mind? Here.

Wow.

"Jane...

Janey,

lately I've been feeling like there's so much noise.

You know, uh, so much static. All these voices competing for attention.

Teachers, parents, magazines.

What's in, what's out, who's cool, who's not cool enough.

And it's like all this shit just gets so loud I feel like I can't even hear myself think.

You know, I just wanna get in my car and drive.

But then I see you.

I see you across the hall, leaning against your locker

in that jacket that you love so much,

and, uh, the way you tuck your hair back behind your ears.

And you see me and you smile.

You just smile, and it's like all that noise fades away.

You know?

And the only thing I can hear is the sound of your voice

when you call out my name."

Hmm.

Oh, no. Oh, my...

Oh, my God, I'm literally too embarrassing to even live.

No. No. I can't believe I just said that. Out loud.

I mean, even to you. I...

I can't even believe I was gonna say that to her. I was.

Okay. It's not that so much as she doesn't...

She doesn't really care about that shit, you know, the noise and the magazines.

And she definitely doesn't wanna hear how beautiful you think she is when she tucks her hair behind her ears.

I mean, I doubt she really wants to hear anything.

All she wants to feel is a little less freaked out than she already does,

which, you know, is probably very.

So she wants to be with a guy who seems less freaked out than she is,

and if you can be that guy, it isn't bad.

But if you can't...

then you're not gonna be her dude.

I'm never gonna be her dude, am I? Not with that attitude, my friend, no.

And you're a senior, so I'm pretty sure that ship has sailed.

Maybe in college you can reinvent yourself as a doer, not a talker.

Maybe.

Well, you should probably get back, huh?

Or, you know, if you're worried your friends are gonna leave...

You asked for my opinion.

No, I was just gonna say you could catch a ride home with me.

Oh. Well, um...

Yeah, those whores won't leave without me.

They're all probably hooking up with somebody.

I would have to go and unhook them, and I don't feel like doing that, so...

Then don't. All right. I won't.

Great. Okay.

This song is amazing.

Yeah, this song is amazing. Amazing.

Wanna dance with me?

I don't know, I... Do you wanna...? Ahem.

Do you wanna dance with me? Hmm, no.

What? Well, I... Mm-mm.

Just... O

Man, way to build up my confidence. You did... Well, I...

Which was lacking. It was lacking. And you even pointed it out.

Look, it's just I don't dance publicly.

And I don't do... I don't do either.

Those couples, they make me nauseous. It's like, "Really, guys?

You're gonna make out in the fricking mall in front of everybody?" Ugh.

Okay, well, first of all, we're all alone here, you know.

Second of all, I mean, I was just talking about one dance, you know.

Well?

I can't believe I'm doing this. It's just like the cheesiest thing ever.

All we need now is for it to be raining, and, like...

I mean, it's just so tired, right? And completely...

Would you deal with it?

Your balls are vibrating.

Uh... Uh...

Um...

Uh... Huh.

What? What? Oh, it's just the cops are here.

Get out of here! Get out of here! Cops!

Where's your car? We're out of here, man.

Oh, I didn't drive. The Englishman did. What?

My little English friend. Who?

They're taking everybody's name, they're handcuffing people. It's every man for himself. Let's go.

What's wrong with you assholes? Let's go.

What should we do?

Um, hang on, I just need to... I'll call my...

My house is like 10 blocks away. You wanna walk with me for a little?

Yes.

Where are you gonna go to college?

Uh, Columbia.

Wow, so you're, like, Smartypants McGee.

No, I don't know about "Smartypants McGee."

Any idea what you might wanna do?

I wanna teach. I wanna live in New York and teach.

Oh.

Elementary school to start. Somewhere where there's a real need, you know?

Uh, then probably developmental psychology.

Oh, so you pretty much know exactly what you wanna do.

Yeah. How about you?

I have no idea. I like collage.

Collage? And I draw some.

I'm learning how to play the drums. Helps me work out my aggression.

You got a lot of aggression? The average amount, I think.

Heh. Are you, uh...? Are you happy?

Happy? Heh.

Yeah, do you think of yourself as a reasonably happy person?

Content or what have you? No, I wouldn't say content.

I'm just... I'm ready to get out of here. I'm so over high school.

You've still got another year.

I'm aware of that. Dick.

You? Me what?

Are you a happy-go-lucky kind of kid?

Because I'll slap you if you are.

Well, I am right now, which is surprising.

You know I'm dating someone?

Oh! Ha!

Wait. Krasne?

What? No, dude, it's W�rtzheimer, dude.

It's W�rtzheimer. Sorry, man, not him.

Don't apologize for who you are or who you're not.

That ought to be on a T-shirt, right?

You guys know where this, um... This party's at?

Oh, it just got broken up by the police. No, dude, the one on, uh, Chestnut.

That's where we just were. You sure about that?

Pretty sure.

But, hey, you guys want a ride? I guess we're heading west.

No, I'm just a few blocks away. I'm fine on my own if you wanna...

Uh...

Uh, actually, you know what? We're good, man. Thanks, though.

Suit yourselves. You kids are adorable.

Yeah. Take it easy, W�rtzheimer, all right?

Well, this is me.

That's me. This is me. Um...

Well, hey. Uh... Yes? Yeah?

I don't know, would you wanna maybe hang out sometime?

What were we just doing?

That...

I don't know, I mean... I just meant...

You asking me for my number? I was easing into it.

Hmm. Okay.

Okay, fine? Yes, go. Give it to me.

Do you wanna come in for a second?

What about your boyfriend?

I'm not gonna doing you or anything. I know.

What about your parents? You have to be really quiet.

Uh, do you want something to drink?

Uh, sure.

Uh, what do you want?

I don't know. Whatever you're having is fine.

Well, I'm gonna have some wine.

Yeah, works for me.

Oh, shit.

This is really very cool.

Heh. It's true, huh?

The sound quality really is way better than a download.

Not really.

Oh.

Then why...?

I just like the idea of it. You know, a record collection.

You know, most of them are my dad's.

You wanna know when I'm really happy?

Four o'clock.

Home from school, and the sun comes through that window

and just makes the carpet all, like, warm.

And I sit here cutting out pictures.

When I was little, it was Crayolas, but...

I've never been more content than when I'm just,

you know, by myself, doing my thing.

Yeah, I know what you mean.

I mean, I'm not alone much, definitely not in my house,

but, um, I have my car.

Some nights, I just like to drive around, music up, windows down, just...

Have you had sex yet?

What? Just asking.

Honestly? No, lie to me.

Not yet.

I mean, not that there haven't been some opportunities.

Oh, yeah, girls lining up to have sex with you?

No, that's not what I meant.

You wanna have sex with Jane?

I guess, yeah. But I don't like to fantasize about, um...

I fantasize about holding her hand and kissing in the rain.

You know, all that cheesy, tired romantic shit

that you're such a fan of.

And I fantasize about having sex with Casey Flynn.

Is that an actress I should know? She's a girl who goes to my school.

She's the girl that everyone wants to have sex with because she's, you know, mean.

Oh.

Jane's the girl that you want to be your girlfriend.

The virgin and the skank. Tale as old as time.

Have you done it yet?

None of your business.

Everything cool has been ruined. Was before we got here.

Even sex and relationships.

It's all just so safe and convenient.

Homogenized.

Exchange profiles, boil your personality down to some, like, compatibility equation.

What's your favorite movie? Who's your favorite recording artist?

And then with one easy click,

we too can realize our dream of boning someone exactly like us.

Get married, give birth to two and a half babies.

We can all post the pictures on Facebook or Twitter.

No, that's... That is not for me.

I wanna meet a man the old-fashioned way, you know,

like in a bar.

How about a dark alley? Crazy guy who talks to himself?

Give me your hand.

Which one am I?

The virgin or the skank?

I've never met anyone like you before.

That's a pretty good answer.

I have trouble sleeping with someone in the room.

Oh. I'll take off. No.

It's just, sleepovers, camp, I always hated them.

Not because I minded being away,

but because there was always some mouth breather next to me.

You don't have to explain. I'll go.

Not yet. I just, um...

Maybe we could lie here for a minute.

And I could just close my eyes, see what it's like.

Is that okay?

Okay.

Your heart is beating really fast.

I know.

Sorry.

It's cool, Hodgman.

Honey, wake up. It's almost 11.

Oh, shit. Aubrey?

Yeah. I'll be out in a minute. Okay.

Oh. Oh, God, no. I'm so sorry.

Okay, you've gotta get out. The window.

Hurry. Uh, okay.

What now? Jump.

Are you okay? Yeah. Yeah.

Okay, go. Call me. Okay. Yes.

Wait, wait, wait. I don't even think I got your number.

Aubrey?

Aubrey!

Badass. I was like Jason Bourne, you know?

Or Jason Statham. Then I called you.

What? You're a sweet boy, you know that?

Shut up. No, you truly are.

Your Bambi-like innocence is just, what? Adorable.

I'm gonna pinch your cheek. Screw you.

David, there is no boyfriend.

But... No.

What, you think she made it up? -Yes, of course she did.

Girls have to say they have a boyfriend when they meet some random dick.

It's practically in the manual. I don't know, I really believed her.

Of course you did. Even now, when I'm assuring you it's bullshit.

It's how you know if she likes you. In a couple of days, chuck her a text.

See if she wants to hang out, get some Chinese, get some Szechuan chicken.

If she says "boyfriend," you know she didn't really like you. Thanks, love.

But you can always tell yourself, Hey, she has a boyfriend.

You know? "It's not me." It's a good system. Tell him.

I'm not gonna text her. Why not?

I thought you said she had a tight little bottom.

Because. Because of Jane?

Seriously, David, that's never gonna happen.

I accidentally spilled wine on her carpet.

Right. Who gives a shit? She does.

She's got this thing about her carpet.

The way the sunlight hits it at a certain point in the afternoon and...

Couldn't text her even if I wanted to.

She didn't give you her number, did she?

No. She started to.

She typed in the first few digits, and then we...

But I did get those first three digits on my phone, right? So...

I mean, come on, how many possible combinations of numbers could there really be?

Ten thousand.

Just call Information. Don't be stupid, okay?

She's not gonna be listed.

Plus, I don't even know her parents' first names.

And Lashanda says there's like 337 Millers in Deranja County.

What's the shit's a Lashanda?

The lady I talked to when I called Information.

Well, you know where she lives.

I know where she... Great. So I could stand outside of her house?

Because that won't be so creepy. Yes. Great.

Find her on Facebook. I don't think she does Facebook.

She doesn't believe in that sort of thing.

She doesn't believe in it?

This girl sounds like a ginormous ass-ache, my friend.

Like a huge ache in my ass.

I'm telling you, I know the type. I know the type.

The alternative rock indie chick who only goes to an films,

smells like vegan food, can't be bothered to shave her pits.

Eventually falls in love with a scaly bull dyke named Harley.

Where do you even come up...? Stanwyck.

What are you jabbering about? Stanwyck goes to North.

Stanwyck goes to North. We'll call Stanwyck.

He'll have access to the student database. Just thought of that.

What do you want?

Stanwyck, it's Daldly. I need a favor.

You can finally pay me back for giving you Courtney Yamazaki.

She was never gonna go out with you. She thinks you're disgusting.

Whatever gets you through the night. What do you want?

We need a number for a girl that goes to North.

Uh, hold on a sec. What year?

Junior. Who was that?

Uh, it's Hodgman.

Uh, junior. Okay. It's gonna be Aubrey Miller.

Miller, Audrey. Aubrey.

Aubrey Miller. Just an address and the home number.

No cell? What did I say?

Okay, how about an e-mail?

Just the home number. You want it or not, Dave?

Yes, give us the number.

Hey, we're gonna see that movie tonight, 7:15, Old Orchard.

What movie? Where the world ends in like five days.

Three days. Three days. Not a lot of time.

That movie's gonna suck. I think I'll skip it.

David.

Look, it goes without saying, leave it a few days before you call this girl.

You know, let's give the illusion that you have a life.

Of course. Of course. I mean, I'm happy we got the number, but I don't know.

I probably... Hey, probably won't even call her at all.

We'll see. We'll see how I feel by the end of the week or something.

Or in like a couple weeks.

Uh, hi, yes, is this Mr. Miller? I don't take solicitations.

No, no, no. I'm, uh... I'm actually a friend of your...

Well, one of your daughters. Only got the one that I'm aware of.

Yup, right, okay. Well, I'm a friend of Aubrey's.

Uh-huh.

Yes, well, may I speak with her, please?

Hello? Aubrey?

Speaking. Well, hey, it's Dave.

Uh, yeah, yeah. Uh, hold on one second.

One second. Um...

Hi. What's up?

Oh, uh, well, nothing much, actually. I just, uh...

I got home safely, so there's that. Rest easy, I guess. Heh.

But I don't know, I just wanted to make sure that, um, you were cool.

You know, that everything was cool with, uh, you know...

Yeah.

Yeah, everything's cool? Yeah.

Great. Good. Sweet. Uh, well, okay. Um...

Well, hey, I also wanted to say, uh... Well, or ask you.

What are you doing later?

Uh, I don't know. Ha, ha.

I think I'm gonna go to a movie with Ronny.

Ronny? Ronny.

Ronny. Of course.

That's good. That's actually funny, though, because I'm going to the movies tonight too.

Um, but we're going to Old Orchard.

Well, that's where I'm going.

Then I guess I'll see you. Maybe.

All right. Well, cool. Cool.

Later.

I think that went pretty well, right?

Can we finish this? Listen.

I'm not gonna lecture you on parenting. That's not my thing.

You stick to your area, and I will stick to mine.

But let me just say this:

We all knew at some point I was going to have a drink.

It's inevitable. I am a teenager, and this is America,

and isn't it way better that I do it here, alone in my room with a glass of wine,

rather than at some party, doing Jager shots with some frat-boy date rapist?

Or when I could be killed in, like, a fiery car accident?

Well? Look, this isn't just about wine. This...

You spilled it. You... You...

Ugh. I don't even know. What was the question again?

Can I go to the movies tonight, or are we gonna punish me for being responsible?

Really?

You may go.

Good.

It was a good talk.

How you doing?

Well, you know, I've been better.

I've had a really rough week, emotionally.

And I'm telling you because I might not be, like,

a ton of fun tonight or...

You've been crying.

Anyway-

How are you?

Fine.

This is so not cool. What am I doing here, you know?

She's gonna think I'm stalking her like some weird, creepy nerd.

Remember Aaron Finklestein? Uh-huh.

That's gonna be me. That's gonna be me.

God, the poor bastard was never heard from again.

Then again, I don't plan on raping anybody.

Don't look now, lambchop. This shit just got real.

No, okay... Hey.

Mr. Daldly. Jane.

B. Hey, where did you disappear to last night?

I was looking for you. Um, I was around.

I wanted us to have one of our famous late-night talks.

So, what are you doing later? Um, I don't know.

Daldly, what are we doing later? Uh, no commitments.

We're keeping our options open. Although I may have a lead for a party in La Mesa.

We could go to my house. The parentals are in Cabo,

and I told those losers from Huntington I may have people over.

Come on. What are we seeing?

Hey, Dave. Hey. Hey.

Hi. Um, I'm Jane.

Oh, I'm Aubrey. This is Ronny.

What's up, dudes?

Hey, Daldly. Yeah?

Come meet Aubrey and her boyfriend, Ronny.

Her boyfriend, Ronny.

Oh, marvelous. I'm Simon Daldry Pleasure to meet you both.

This is, uh, Brianna, Erica, Big Corporation.

Wait, sorry?

It's a football thing. It's what everyone calls him.

Big Corporation. I get it.

It's funny because corporations are destroying everything.

Like the environment, democracy, culture, music.

It's ironic. I love it.

Right. We're gonna see How the World Ends, yeah?

How about you guys? Uh, the new Almod�var film.

Oh, actually, no. I'm not down for subtitles tonight.

Is it cool if we see something else?

Oh. Heh.

She's so bashful. But don't be fooled. She's a tigress when we're alone.

Whatever you want, my little tiger cub.

You wanna go and see a dumb kiddy movie, that's fine by me.

I just wanna be next to you tonight. Yeah.

Go, go, go, go, go!

Mommy!

Not on my watch, you alien bitch.

Come on, boys. Lock and load. Hit them high, hit them low.

Suck on this.

Tell Mikey I love him and I'll always love him.

You tell him yourself.

Run. Go. Run, run.

We've only got one shot at this.

Really wonderful film, huh?

Yeah. It's touching.

Hey, listen... I'm sorry

that I made you jump off the roof. That was nuts. And dangerous.

And I'm sorry if I was a little, like... Ugh.

You know, on the phone. I just... I wig out a little sometimes.

Not that that's an excuse. Give me your cell.

Uh... Oh.

Okay. And I forgive you.

So... So.

So you're here with Jane. She's really pretty.

Yeah, she's all right.

And she's sitting next to you and she's holding your hand.

It kind of seems like she likes you. No.

I don't know. Okay.

I'm definitely having thoughts about the sexy time with her, though.

Wow. Definitely. So thanks for that.

Maybe that's good. Take her off the pedestal.

Besides, that cheeseball romance stuff?

That's strictly for Nicholas Sparks books and commercials for De Beers.

It's like Zussman says, it's all biology. Natural selection.

A female chooses her strongest mate

so that her offspring have a greater chance at survival.

Zussman?

Uh, Mr. Zussman. He's my biology teacher.

Although I suppose he's selling something too.

Well, I'm not sure I'm the strongest mate in my particular gene pool,

Ugh. But I guess we can give it shot, right?

Come on. Confidence is sexy, Hodgman.

I know. That's what my mom keeps telling me.

I should go back inside.

Yeah.

Well, hey, Ronny seems like a cool guy.

Does he? No.

Uh, well... I mean, I can't tell yet.

Okay.

Hey, listen. Um...

A bunch of us were gonna go to that girl's house after, to Brianna's.

Mm-hm. Uh, I guess some other people too.

It's not like a party. It's just a thing. Okay.

Yeah, let me talk to him. Sweet. Talk to him.

I guess, uh, enjoy the end of the world.

I wanna travel.

All right. Last night you got me thinking

about what I wanna do, and I definitely wanna travel.

Like, as a career?

Last summer I, uh, got to visit my uncle and his boyfriend in Madrid.

One day I was just, like, walking around and I got lost.

And, you know, my cell phone was dead,

and I had no idea where their apartment was.

Then I was worried I was gonna have to adapt to life as a street person in Madrid.

Finally I just wandered out into this plaza

and I sat by this fountain and I just, like, breathed.

And I realized I had been so focused on where I was going and getting back

that I hadn't even noticed where I was.

I hadn't noticed anything. And so I started to.

I started to notice, like,

the personality of the architecture and, like,

The way people would just, like, greet each other on the streets.

And even the sky looked, like, different over there.

And it felt like I was just letting go of something.

But also like I'm finally in the world.

Eventually, I found my way back, but those few hours,

those were, like, the best.

It was the best part of my trip, and I just...

I wanna get back out there so bad. There's so much stuff I wanna see.

Huh.

What?

Wow, that was so stupid.

No, no, no. No, I'm sorry. That was weird.

It wasn't stupid. I just... I was...

I was just listening to you, and I wanna go with you.

Okay.

Hey, babe. What am I, seeing this shit alone?

Yeah. I mean, no. No. No, heh.

I'm coming. Oh, and, uh, here.

Let me tell you guys something.

Something you don't know, because you haven't really been out in the world yet.

But when you get to my age, you'll realize that...

You know, that everything is just bullshit.

Nobody cares about anything except making money, you know?

Like dollar, dollar bills, y'all.

So some glorified little office boy, junior-executive prick

is gonna tell the Joan Cusack Experience our stuff isn't commercial?

Screw you, pal. No. No, I mean, I can probably...

What is the Joan Cusack Experience? I think it's the name of his band.

- To be an artist. You know, he's an idiot. "Sir, you're an idiot."

That's why you just gotta focus on the basics.

The fundamentals. The simple things, you know?

The simple intricacies of life.

What are you thinking?

I think whoever said you should always be yourself obviously never met Ronny.

Isn't this pool nuts? I feel like we're at Hef's mansion.

I'm Jane. Aubrey. We met.

Right. You know Dave. Yeah. A little.

Do you, like,

like him?

Heh, what? No. No, no. I, um...

No, I'm with, um...

that g-

Oh. Wow.

He is gorgeous.

I mean, I like Dave as a friend. He's cool.

No, Dave is amazing.

He's one of my best friends. Definitely my best guy friend.

He's always been there for me, through all my terrible relationships and shit,

and I can tell him anything.

He gives the best advice. He's so smart.

You should see the way he is with his sister.

His sister? Yeah, she's 5.

Or maybe 6. But so, so cute.

And he's, like, super involved in her life,

because I guess the dad isn't really around or whatever.

Where is he?

It's just that most guys our age are completely self-absorbed, you know?

Yeah, I know. And they never shut up. Never, right?

God, I am so sick of these arrogant jagweeds,

with their big stupid mouths and their tiny little penises.

We're not talking about Dave anymore. We're talking about Brendan Meltzer.

Is he a douche bag? World's most humongous douche bag.

Like, officially.

And you know what the really sick part is? I knew it. I knew.

And I knew he was probably gonna tell everyone that we...

Because I've pretty much heard about every single girl he's hooked up with, so why would I be any...?

But anyway, I don't know.

All I want is once for one of these boys to just, like,

ask me a question, you know?

Like my opinion or how I'm doing or really anything.

Because at this point, if one of them were to, like, open the door for me

or offer to buy dinner,

I would be so frigging shocked, I would probably fall over.

You know,

sometimes it's just the guy that you...

Sometimes what?

Hmm?

Weren't you...? You were about to say something.

Was I?

No.

No, no. Well, heh, yes, but now it's gone. Poof.

It was just, like, a second ago. Yeah. Weird, right?

Yeah.

Hey.

You.

Dave.

So where did you meet my lady?

In an alley. She's, uh, pretty great, huh?

What? She's pretty great.

You know. Pretty, pretty, pretty great.

Yeah, she is.

I mean, I don't usually go for high school girls. Too needy. Way too immature.

But this one,

you know, she's inspiring.

I'm actually writing a song about her.

Well, about her knees.

We're gonna have sex tonight.

Yeah?

Yeah. We were supposed to do it last weekend, but I got the flu.

Sure.

I'm not gonna lie to you, Dan, it's been a long time coming, but we're finally doing it.

Gonna do it to it.

So where is this taking place?

Um, probably in my van. Jesus.

Shit, I gotta move that kick drum.

Well, Ronny, that sounds unforgettable.

Pretty, pretty unforgettable.

I'm, uh...

gonna go drain the Lil Wayne.

You never told me you have a sister.

I guess it never came up.

She's my half sister, technically.

Her dad's not really in our lives anymore anyway, so...

What about your dad?

Remarried. Lives in Stovington.

He's an endodontist.

Gives one hell of a root canal, if you're ever in need.

You know, I just had this very clear image in my head of you

and what your life was like and your family.

And it turns out that it was completely wrong.

Stupid of me to think that I knew you after one night.

Please don't have sex with Ronny.

The guy is unbelievable.

Yeah. You can't lose your virginity to him.

Why not? Are you...? Are you kidding me?

You know, it's not some beautiful thing.

It's not some treasure that I have to guard

until I find the one or the right person.

Because there is no right person. There's just some dude.

Okay? And it happens, and it's a little gnarly and kind of uncomfortable,

but one day, one day it's gonna be terrific.

It's gonna be like crazy porno-sex terrific.

So I just gotta get from here to there safely and on my own terms.

And I know that Ronny is safe because I have my own copy of his test results.

So would you please, please just tell me why I can't go and get it over with?

You know, I think it's finding the right person that makes it special.

Okay? But it sure as shit is not that guy. Okay.

You know what, Dave? Heh.

You... You are in love with Jane. You're in love with her.

You are in love with her smile and her hair tucking and her annoyingly perfect olive skin.

I mean, who has skin like that? It's ridiculous. It's, like, per...

You've got great skin. Yeah, well, thank you.

But that's because I work really hard at my skin, okay?

I'm on a first-name basis with my dermatologist.

If there's a problem, then Phyllis and I, we deal with it.

But that's not the point here. That's not the point.

The point is that you are infatuated with Jane.

So I'm gonna go do Ronny.

Why are you smiling?

You dig me.

No. No. Heh, please.

Oh, so, what, you're like this confident, cocky guy now?

You're that guy?

I guess. Right.

And that's not just because your mom and I said that you should be more...

confident? I don't know. Maybe.

What do you think?

I just...

I think that you should probably...

Aubrey. We gotta go.

Uh, okay, yeah, one minute. No, right now. We're leaving.

Are you even sober enough to drive? I'm fine.

Or I could give you a ride. Just mind your business, Dan.

Okay. You know what I think?

I think that you know my name is actually Dave.

Kind of like how I know yours is actually Dick.

Ow. It's fine. I'm okay. I'm okay.

I'll gonna kill this bitch. I'll kick the living shit out of you. The living shit, my friend.

You pretentious little Belle and Sebastian...

Whoa, little man. Stop! Everyone, just calm down.

Behave. I wanna make him cry.

All right, Ronny. Chill.

I've never done this before, but I'm gonna kick your ass.

That's right. I'm not kidding, buddy. What are you people doing in here?

I told you, living room is off-limits. We're leaving.

Good. Yeah, good.

Wait, what? You're leaving? I'm gonna go with him.

Ronny.

Goodbye.

Whatever. We shouldn't even be here.

We should not even be here. Children.

You okay? Somebody said you were in a fight or something.

Not quite.

Well, I am a little tipsy. Heh.

Yes, I am.

Thank you. Yeah.

Hey, so that girl, your friend,

she's super cute, right?

Yeah, super cute.

Is she still here? No, they left.

Right. With her boyfriend.

Who is a hottie, by the way.

Not that that's...

Well, I don't care about that kind of stuff anymore.

I am over boys. They all suck. Heh.

Especially the hotties. Heh.

Yeah, you've said that before. Many times.

No, this time I mean it.

Last night I did the stupidest thing ever.

I was so wasted, and we couldn't stop laughing about this thing.

Anyway, the cops showed up, and he asked me if I needed a ride home...

Do you know what "homogenized" means?

What? Homogenized.

Uh...

It's a kind of milk, isn't it?

Homogenized milk.

Yeah.

Yeah.

What's going on with you?

Something's weird.

You know what? I'm just feeling...

What?

Jane...

Janey...

I'm gonna go.

What?

But I was just telling you about...

Don't you wanna talk?

No, not tonight.

I'll see you on Monday, okay?

Okay.

"You dig me"? Oh, my God. What, was that supposed to be cute?

Yeah. Yes, it was. Yep. Those were my intentions.

Those were my intentions. Did she buy it? Nope. Mm-mm-mm. No, sir.

How could she?

"You dig me." Who...? Nobody... I've never heard anyone say that.

God, that's... Ugh.

God.

I broke up with Ronny.

I didn't do it for you. I know.

But it's totally your fault. Right.

You know, this doesn't mean that I can jump into some relationship with you.

Okay.

I mean, I don't even know if I'm gonna feel this way tomorrow.

Well, I guess, then, we're just gonna have to drive around all night.

I could be into that.

Oh, my God.

Is that the same...? Holy shit. From last night.

Those kids.

I think I might be sick.

I'm sorry.

Are you kidding me? Don't be. Never. You never have to apologize to me.

I don't know why I'm...

Shit.

It's scary stuff.

Sometimes everything seems really...

harsh.

I don't think I can handle it.

Or I don't know if I'm gonna be...

you know, strong enough...

to be on my own.

Oh, what?

You will be.

You are, you know. Trust me.

And you're not gonna be on your own.

I mean, you've got your family and you've got...

Okay. Yeah.

I should, um, really go inside now.

I think you should too. I'm going to.

All right, then, go. In a second. Don't rush me.

So I'll call you tomorrow? Yeah. Okay.

Yeah. Heh. Heh.

Whew.

Yeah. I mean, you don't have to.

Or, like, don't go out of your way or anything.

Okay.

All right. Heh.

Hi. What are you doing?

I thought you had so much calculus homework.

I wasn't gonna bug you for at least another 15 minutes.

I'm taking a much-deserved break Me too- I'm at the park with Stella-.

We got big money riding on this peewee baseball game.

Yeah, maybe I could, um...

You wanna come hang out with us? Meet the gerbil?

Well, I don't wanna, like, butt in on your time with your sister.

No, are you kidding me? She's sick to death of me. Come on. Here.

Yes? Aubrey?

Hi, this is Stella. Hi.

Can you please come to the park and hang out with us?

We've never been apart for that long, so it'll be an adjustment, definitely.

I mean, but I'll be back all the time, and she'll come out a lot.

We'll make it work. It'll be fine. It'll be fine.

Plus, we've still got the whole summer. Ahem.

She wants to go on a roller coaster. She's obsessed with roller coasters.

Where's her father?

I mean, you don't have to tell me. No, no. It's nothing that dramatic. Uh...

We just don't really know.

He had a drug problem. Uh...

Got himself into debt, took off.

It was a real mess. Ahem.

The worst part,

Stella really liked him, and he just completely bailed on her.

That's part of why it's hard, you know, leaving.

I don't want her to worry that I'm not gonna come back.

Dave, it's...

No, you're right.

It'll be fine.

What are you two talking about over here?

We were talking about roller coasters. I love roller coasters.

Yeah? How do you know? You've never even been on one yet.

Hey, guys. Oh, hey. I need your input.

What do you think, with this dress, the shawl or the jacket?

Are you guys going somewhere?

Nope. This is how we've decided to start dressing around the house.

We're gonna have to insist that you do too.

Every Sunday. It'll be a regular thing.

I've told you about this a hundred times. Tonight's the benefit.

The benefit.

The cancer center. Your father is presenting an award.

Are you ever listening to me when I tell you these things?

Right, the benefit. That's tonight.

Yes, it's tonight. There's lasagna in the fridge.

You should eat it, because we're gonna be late, okay?

Okay. And I'd, um...

You know, I'd definitely go with the jacket, no question.

As would I. Let's go. Ah, coming. Good night.

Night.

So here's the thing.

My parents are gonna go to this benefit. Benefits are cool.

Uh...

Uh, you should come over. Really?

I mean, if you want to, you could... Do you want to?

Yes. I mean, I guess. Sure. Uh, when-ish?

Like 45 minutes-ish?

Uh, no, that should work for me. Good.

Great. Bye.

Bye.

No.

No, because you're not that guy.

You're not that guy who walks around with a condom in his wallet.

You're not.

Can I put this down in your room? It's deceptively heavy.

Mm-hm. Thanks.

What you got in there? Oh, I got you something.

Uh, it's nothing.

You know, it's just like getting you flowers or...

Or... I would never get you flowers though because I know how you feel about cheesiness.

I'm not opposed to flowers. I like flowers. They're pretty.

Oh. Okay. Huh.

Well, now I know that. Um, wow.

I should have got you, like, a whole box of flowers.

You shouldn't have gotten me anything.

Well, after the park, I took Stella to this really cool store off Scottsdale

where, um, I used to go in all the time because I would get...

I used to have this antique-action-figure collection. Uh...

I don't know why I'm telling you about my action-figure collection, but any...

I thought you could cut them up. You know, for collage.

You are just completely ridiculous.

I know. I know. It was stupid. Uh, I just...

I don't know why I brought that. I just... I thought maybe...

You probably have a whole system for that.

I dig you so much.

So much it, like, freaks me out.

I told you.

I want you to hear this song I downloaded last night.

I was maybe gonna put it on a with some other stuff for your car.

Like a mix? No, not like a mix, just...

So, what do you wanna do?

Well, there's some lasagna. Are you hungry?

- Are you? - No.

Me neither.

Okay.

We could, um...

- We could watch a movie. - Well, I've actually seen all the movies.

I'm pretty sure there's quite a few movies.

I'm pretty sure I've seen them all.

Okay, then, that's out.

We could go for a ride.

Yeah, we could. We could definitely do that.

Or, you know, not,

because we'll probably just end up coming back here.

Yeah, so, what's the point?

We could play a game.

You know, like Chutes and Ladders or Boggle.

I'd wipe the floor with you if we played Boggle.

Seriously, I'm amazing.

I could have gone pro if I hadn't blown out my knee.

I don't really feel like playing games, do you?

Not really.

Okay.

So, what do you wanna do?

Really.

What?

What? What are you...? What are you thinking?

Uh, I'm sort of thinking that, um... What?

I'm thinking that this has just been like...

the best weekend of my life.

And I don't wanna do anything that might screw it up.

Oh.

Um...

Yeah. No, you're right.

I am?

Yeah. Yeah. You're totally right.

Yeah, we should just, you know, take things slow, not rush things.

You know, we don't wanna be cliche Yeah, cliches are the worst.

Those people who are like, "Ah, those teenagers with their raging hormones.

They can't control themselves." It's like, come on. Yes, we can control ourselves.

Such bullshit. We are not bunnies. We are absolutely not bunnies.

We are capable of making intelligent, rational decisions.

I think we're making one right now. We are. This is good. This is better.

Way better. I'm glad you agree. I totally agree.

Good. Me too.

Aw, fuck it.

Oh, uh... Uh...

Should I...? Okay, what?

Uh, I don't know... Uh, well, what do you, uh, like?

Oh, um... Well, did you... Did you bring a condom?

No. Shit. No, no. That's good. That's cool.

That means that you didn't think that I thought we were gonna have sex tonight.

It's cooler that you didn't think that.

Yeah, heh, no. I definitely didn't think that at all. Uh, never even crossed my mind.

I have one.

What? A condom.

Huh? Should I get it?

You could. I mean, sure. Yeah. Okay.

That's a thing you could do. Okay. Okay. Okay.

That's a thing you could do.

Holy shit.

All right.

Uh... You can have it.

This is for me.

I think this is a really good kind. Like maybe the best.

I think this is what Tiger uses.

And it hasn't expired yet.

You know, still got a good 18 months on this guy.

Not that I have that kind of stamina.

Hey, "spermicide" is a really ominous-sounding word, right?

It sounds like something the Nazis committed.

Are you gonna put it on?

You mean right now?

Or... No, yeah, uh, yeah. Uh...

Do you wanna get under the covers? Yeah, heh, I do. That's a good idea.

Good idea.

Okay.

Oh, uh...

Okay.

All right.

Sorry. Sorry. Guess I'm, uh, a little nervous.

Well, um...

Do you want me to, uh, you know...?

No, I'm okay. I'm good. I actually think I almost got it.

Oh. Uh... Heh.

Oh, good. Thank you for the offer.

Mm-hm.

It's okay. Right there. Right there. Yeah. Yeah.

Sweet.

Oh, okay. Uh... Yeah. Heh.

Ooh.

Hey. Uh...

No. I want this.

Me too. Okay.

Okay.

Okay. Okay, no, no, no. Okay.

Don't wig out. Don't wig out. Don't wig out.

Okay.

Don't wig out.

At least the condom didn't break.

I think that it can be better.

You know, like, more fun. Eventually.

There's really no other direction it could go.

Yeah.

But it wasn't your fault.

I didn't think it was. It wasn't.

And it wasn't my fault either.

Why? Do you think it's my fault?

Oh. Hey, no.

It's nobody's... It's nobody's fault, okay? Look, uh, I just...

I heard that sometimes people don't quite fit together.

Hmm. And you think that that's us? I don't know.

But I don't think that's how it was supposed to go. Uh...

You know, even if you've never...

It didn't feel right.

Well, I mean, right? Did it? It felt weird.

It didn't feel good.

I mean, maybe you weren't turned on enough or something.

I don't know how that shit works or what's, like, normal, or...

I mean, with guys, the equipment's pretty self-explanatory, you know?

But with girls, I just... I had no idea it got so complicated.

It's like you practically need a fricking schematic and a flashlight just to...

Okay. All right. Oh, my God. I cannot believe that we just...

I mean, I've only known you for, what, like one weekend?

Not even... Like 43 hours. I don't even have a copy of your test results.

Test results? I don't have test results. I'm a virgin.

Or I was a minute ago.

There are plenty of venereal diseases you can get without intercourse.

Okay.

Okay, you know what? This just...

This happened really fast,

and we got carried away and we made a mistake.

And, you know, it's... Look, it's not that big of a deal.

Not the end of the world.

Had to happen sooner or later, right? So we just... We got it over with.

Wow, I guess I'll just do about anything to put off my calculus homework.

Yeah, well, I should probably go.

Or else I'm gonna have to jump off that roof when your parents come home.

I guess I'll call you later.

Yeah.

Wait.

Uh, you know, why don't I, uh...? Like, I'll...

I'll call you.

Because I've got a crazy few weeks coming up with finals and everything,

and also, Ronny keeps calling me

and leaving these messages apologizing,

so I don't even know what's gonna...

You know, he said he wrote this song that he wants me to hear and...

Yeah, it's about your knees. Enjoy that.

And I know you wanna spend as much time with your sister

as possible this summer before you leave for New York, so, um...

So this probably isn't a great time for you either.

To be getting into a... Relationship.

Anything.

God. Just for the record, I tried to stop it.

All right? You practically...

Practically what?

No, nothing. I'm sorry it happened.

Yeah. Me too.

All right, great. I guess I'll see you. See you, Dave.

Come on.

Shit.

Hey, it's me. What are you doing?

Sex. Sex.

Here's what I know about sex. You ready? You ready?

Sex is so much better

before you've had it.

Because before you've had it, it's everything.

You know? It's what you dream of.

I mean, your entire world is, like, consumed in this...

Well, you guys know what I'm talking about.

And then after...

After, it's just...

It's just sex.

It's just... It's not even that, you know? It's just a mess. It's a mess.

I wish I could just go back to the beginning.

Beginning? You mean Friday?

Yeah, Friday.

Seems like a long time ago, doesn't it? I'd do it all different.

All right. I'm gonna ask you a serious question,

and I want you to think about it before you give me the answer.

Is it possible that the problem was that you're actually, like,

huge?

And you've never realized it before because you've never had anything to compare it to up close.

Would you like me to look at your penis?

No. Trust me, that's not the problem.

You're sure? All right. Positive.

What?

It's better this way. It's better. Think about it.

She doesn't go to our school so you're not gonna run into her in the hallways.

Nobody knows, so nobody's gonna hear her version.

And in a couple of weeks, it'll be prom, then graduation,

and before you know it, you're on a plane to.

So it was never gonna last anyway.

And now it's done with. And who knows, maybe years from now

you'll bump into her somewhere, you know, in some bar.

You'll have a few drinks and you'll laugh about it.

And that's it. That's life.

So the best thing to do is just let it go. Let it go, David.

I think that's bullshit.

Oh, really? You do? Total bullshit.

You met somebody. Somebody very cool, from the sound of it.

How many weekends have we spent driving around

looking for exactly that thing?

And it never happens. It never happens.

But it did. So now what?

You hit one bump and you bail?

Throw your hands up and walk away?

Well, I mean, it was a pretty major bump.

No, it wasn't. It was sex.

One time. The first time. You don't know anything from that.

You're gonna tell me you don't think it's worth giving it one more shot?

You think it's about letting it go. No.

It's about sticking with it and being a man.

And I don't mean in no bullshit way, like you're tough or you're a dick.

Being a real man. I don't even know if I am.

You are. You're a man. Now act like it.

All right, let me ask you this.

A couple of days ago, you were all about Jane.

You know, dear, sweet Janey.

And now I just wanna know, before we go full commando here,

what is it that's so special about this particular girl?

Ugh.

Oh, my God. I'm so glad that you called.

You are? Oh, baby, I'm so glad you're glad I called.

I just had to hear your voice, my sweet girl's voice.

Ronny.

This has been the darkest day of my life.

I feel like I don't even know who I am anymore.

Things have been so messed up lately, all this negativity around me.

Joel and Leon and my mom, that judgmental bitch.

Anyway, I guess I'm just trying to say I'm sorry.

So sorry. And I get it. I do. You're not ready yet.

What? To have sex.

And that's cool. I can wait. No, I will wait for you.

A month, or maybe even two. Whatever it takes.

It's late and I'm really tired.

I have to get up for school in like four hours.

Is it that guy from last night? Are you two, like, together now?

What? No.

We're definitely not together.

I just... don't think I can have this conversation right now.

Sorry. I just...

No, I get it. You're tired.

Sleep, baby girl. Dream.

I mean, just please do not break up with me, okay?

I mean, nobody gets me, I mean really gets me, the way that you do.

I love...

Slut.

Morning.

Are you all right? Yeah.

I met a boy.

A really good one. And I think I drove him away.

Honey, I'm sure you didn't.

No, I did. I messed up.

And now it's over before I...

I'm never gonna see him again.

Oh, sweetheart.

I love you.

Both of you. So much.

And I'm sorry if I don't tell you it more.

Anyways, I should go before I miss the bus.

You want me to drive you? Maybe talk about it?

No. I sort of feel like taking the bus.

I want you to remember every detail of what just happened,

because it's never going to happen again.

Okay, here's what it is. Whoa. F...

Uh... Oh, shit.

I'm sorry. You.

You gotta, like, give a girl some warning or something when you do that.

I know. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I should have. I just, um...

It's just that I've been thinking.

I don't know much about relationships.

Neither do I.

I definitely don't know anything about love.

I can't believe I talked like I did.

I don't.

All I want, like, in the world, is to just keep talking to you.

I wanna know how your day was, where you wanna eat,

and I wanna argue with you.

And I wanna hear all your theories,

even the ones that are just completely, you know, wrong.

And I know it's not that simple. I don't know, I just think...

No, I really believe that if you'd just be willing

to continue having this conversation with me,

then we can figure the rest out.

I'm gonna be late for school.

All right.

All right. Yeah. Do you wanna give me a ride?

Uh...

Yeah. It's not gonna make you late?

So I'm late. What are they gonna do, right? Heh.

Wow. Oh, sorry. That's... Wrong song.

Nope, not that one either. Here, this one. This one's good.

You know, none of my theories are wrong, by the way.

They just aren't fully developed yet.

Okay.

And as far as what you said before

about wanting to keep talking,

I'm obviously...

totally into that.

But I would also like to work on the sex thing.

Definitely.

We can definitely work on the sex thing. Heh.

I actually had a few ideas about that. Me too.

So, you know? Yeah.

Okay. Wait.

You're ridiculous. Well, deal with it.

Hey, what's up? Hey, Chase.

So...?

So, what?

So do you wanna pick me up after school?

What time? Well, jazz band practice ends at 4.

If you make a crack about the fact that I'm in jazz band, you're gonna regret it.

I'll be right here.

Cool. Good.

All right, then. Yeah. So...

I should go.

Yeah, right. Because first period...

Yeah.

Okay. - Okay.

Later, Hodgman. Heh. Later.