Original subtitles

Yeah.

Come here. I fixed it. I fixed the bell.

Not again.

Dear, I swear, I fixed it. Come here.

Today is Theo's graduation day. We don't have time for this. I know that this is

a big day. Now, do me a favor. Go outside and ring the doorbell.

Come on. Come on. Wait till you hear this.

Wait till you hear this.

Go ahead.

Go ahead and listen.

Go back. You didn't push it right.

Come down off that ladder and leave that bell alone.

Hey, Mark. Hey, Dad.

Oh,

my. Dad's waiting for college, baby.

Listen, go out and push the doorbell.

What's all the luggage for, man? You're not moving back in here, are you?

It's just that you're closer to the airport and it's easier for Olivia and

leave in the morning. Yes, that's right. Singapore bow.

Yes. Thanks to you and your generous graduation gift.

Well, I'm sure that Denise and Martin appreciate you bringing Olivia to them.

problem. I'm glad to do it. Of course you are.

Mom, I have something for you to wear for the ceremony.

Voila. Oh, what a lovely croissant. Thank you, Theo. No problem.

Beautiful.

That's it?

Oh, no.

No. No.

Here we go. Yes.

Mom, here's another croissant for you.

Come on, Dad. I'm just playing. Here you go.

Boudinier for the big guy.

I'll just put these in the fridge.

Yeah.

Huxtable residence?

Vanessa?

Listen, you better get on that train and get here or else you're going to miss

Theo's graduation.

Dadness?

Yeah, tell him to come on. He can come to the graduation.

Dad,

remember, remember, I told you that we don't have any extra tickets.

is your graduation, man. Look, all I need are four tickets. Four more.

I have your Uncle Thornhill, Aunt Rosie, and Thornhill Jr., and now Dabness.

Four tickets.

You don't get it, Dad, do you? Yes, I do get it. You don't get it. This is your

graduation. This is a special day.

Ta -da!

Your mom.

Hey, what's up? Mr. Poppin' Circus Dance.

Mom, we're in trouble. Dad's doing it. It's going to be Princeton all over

again. Oh, no. He promised he wouldn't. What happened at Princeton?

Sandra's graduation.

She had six tickets. Dad invited 29 people.

And then he used his flashing flood method.

What's that?

He flashed six tickets in front of the usher's face and flooded 29 relatives.

Yeah, and 23 of the Flood had to watch the graduation from the roof of the

Bargainell Motel. But in his defense, he did go out and buy them all lawn

chairs. He had a tiny little beach car.

Uncle Thornhill threw his back out.

Ah, I need some more tickets.

Dad, no, Dad, Dad, please, please, please listen to me, Dad.

Remember I told you before? Yeah.

Each student at NYU is only allowed two tickets for graduation. I'm just done.

Okay, somehow able to scrape up ten more for a total of twelve. Right. Twelve,

Dad. Right.

So, so... No, Dad. Huh? There are no more tickets. That's it. That's all I

do, man. No, but I just need six tickets. That's all I need. A minute

said four.

Yeah, I know, but Jeffrey Ingalls, who lives next door, and his ex -wife, they

want to come. They remember you when you were like this, man. They want to come.

This is a big moment.

Dad, six tickets. Dad, it's more.

Do you remember Princeton?

I remember Princeton.

But the thing... Dad, please listen to me. I'm listening to you. There are no

more tickets.

Look at me.

There are no... Look.

There are no more tickets.

You understand me?

Okay, no more, Dad.

Listen, is it true that Professor Davis gave you an incomplete in chemistry?

Oh, that's really too bad.

But listen, what are you going to do with your graduation tickets?

Come here.

Well, just came up to see how the packing's going. Going to Singapore.

And this is all the packing you've done so far?

How's everything going?

Good. I made you something to remember me by. You're kidding.

Oh, that's wonderful.

This is a map. A map, yes, okay.

In case you need to find me. You're going to Singapore.

This is the United States, and here's Singapore.

That's Singapore.

You see all this blue here?

Yeah, what's... That's water.

Ah, I see.

Now, what are all these triangles?

Oh, those are sharks.

Sharks?

Yes, thank you. Do you have anything to give me to remember you by?

Oh, yes, I have something for you.

Really? But you see, I hesitate to give it to you because you may not leave.

What do you mean?

You've seen people who have tried to leave, and they didn't leave.

Scientists call it a vacuum effect.

And this is where people really try to leave this house.

But they keep getting sucked back in.

You remember Uncle Alvin and Aunt Sandra and the twins. They tried to leave.

Victims of the vacuum effect.

They just kept getting sucked back in the whole time.

And my feeling is that you've got to train for this sort of thing. You've got

get in shape to fight that.

Because that vacuum sucks and pulls from behind.

Look, let me show you what I mean. Would you like to practice?

Why not?

Let me show you. Now, for instance, this is your luggage.

It's going to have more clothing than this, I hope.

See? Now, for instance, you're going to go to Singapore.

I'm going to go to Singapore.

All right. Now, go for the door, see?

There's no vacuum. But tomorrow, there will be.

See? Now.

I'm going to be the vacuum.

Now you go and go for the door.

I hear Chicago is socked in by fog, but I'm sure your parents probably flew in

last night, right?

Oh, wow, that's too bad.

Well, listen, do you have any plans for your graduation tickets?

Ah, Elaine, you're wonderful.

Thanks a bunch. Bye.

Yeah, four down, two to go.

doorbell again, huh?

Yeah, I guess he has. Come on in.

Well, you look pretty sharp.

You got a big date tonight?

Good one, Theo.

Happy graduation.

Thanks, Kenny.

So, we've got good seats for the ceremony?

Well, actually, Kenny, there's a flight problem.

The tickets are kind of limited.

I can understand that.

Anyone who's not family shouldn't be coming with us.

That's what I told your father when we went over the guest list.

Open the gift.

Okay.

Wow.

Tube socks.

Six pairs.

Actually, five.

I don't know what to say.

Well, it's the least I can do.

You're the brother I never had.

Yo, Kenny, you have a brother, man.

Come on, Theo.

I'll get some tape and cover that doorbell.

You don't want any legal action on your special day.

Thanks.

Dad, Dad, come here. I need to talk to you.

Tickets, Dad.

Why did you invite Kenny?

Kenny's like your sister, your mother.

I mean, you're the brother he's never had.

You promised me that you were not going to invite any more people.

Look, you don't want Kenny to come? Then uninvite him. The boy gave me tube

socks.

You cannot uninvite him. Well, then get him a ticket.

All right, Dad.

You need three tickets?

I'll get you those three tickets, but just promise me no more people and no

beach chairs on the roofs of motels.

If they ask me, they're coming.

Beach chairs on.

To be honest, I would give Olivia a present from my heart.

Oh, so what'd you come up with?

Well, I got the pin light.

I'm so moved.

No, see, to you, this is just a pin light.

But you don't even know what this symbolizes. Now, what does it symbolize,

honey? Let me see what this symbolizes.

This symbolizes latent pharmaceuticals.

Thank you for your order.

See, to a person like you, this means nothing. But to a child, this is a world

of magic.

The lights are out in her little bedroom, and she wants to read. So she

this, and she just reads with that. Or you could have friends all the way in

Singapore. You could signal the sharks or something.

What has that got to do with you?

I don't know.

But I will think of something.

Now, what is your problem with the truth?

You know, children actually like it when you tell them the truth.

You should try it sometimes.

That's absolutely correct.

However, do you realize that imagination is more important

than knowledge? You know who said that?

Albert Einstein.

Cliff, listen to yourself.

Do you know who said that?

Claire Huxtable.

Yoo -hoo! Anybody home? Well, hello there.

What are you two doing here?

We came to see Uncle Theo graduate.

Oh, that's so sweet.

Is that your dress?

Oh, no, no, honey. This is what Theo's wearing to the graduation.

He's wearing a dress?

Um, no, darling, this is a graduation gown, and all the graduates, everybody

graduates gets to wear one of these and one of these caps.

Why? Because it's tradition.

Why?

Because when, um, a long time ago when people used to live in castles, all

the smart people who went to school to learn things used to dress like this

every day.

Well, why does it look so funny?

Yeah, why?

Because when you learn, you work up an appetite.

So?

So, when the Lord and Lady students would get hungry, they would

come out of Yale Library and take a seat on the steps, one in front of the

other, and they would use each other's hats as snack tables.

Snack tables? Oh, yes.

Oh, yes, they used to eat little tiny medieval cheese sandwiches, you see.

What's this thing for?

Oh, this is called a tassel, you see. Now, when you finish a cheese sandwich,

you take this tassel.

Wow!

Yeah, see, you learned something, didn't you? I bet you worked up an appetite.

Why don't you go downstairs and get yourself something to eat?

I'm searching for the truth.

No,

I'm not. I've got to find my snack table. Excuse me.

Everybody's here, even Dabness.

Oh, okay. Tell them we'll be right down. Okay.

Now, what is the feeling between the two of us about Dabness and Vanessa?

We're confused.

Absolutely.

Absolutely.

Please.

Grandma, thank you for coming. Hey, Grandpa.

Theo, congratulations.

You'll suffer for it. Keep it to yourself.

Hey, thanks, Grandpa.

I told you to put that in the envelope.

Grandma, it's okay. I don't mind.

Hey, my mother -in -law.

My mother -in -law.

All right.

Woo -hoo.

What's happening?

Nice to see you, yeah.

A little something for you, too. Give it to yourself.

Give me a quarter.

Give me a quarter.

It's walking around money. It's my son -in -law. Get out of here.

But I'm not embarrassed. No, you will not get it back.

Hi,

Daddy.

Dabness.

Dabness, Dabness, Dabness, Dabness.

How are you, sir?

Hi, Dad.

Dadness.

How are you, Vanessa?

We're just friends, okay?

Well, aren't we all?

No, I'm serious. Everybody. We are just friends. Well, friends, lunch is served

in the dining room. Dadness.

Grandpa Al.

Dr. Elvin. Good to see you again.

Guess I'll keep it to myself.

Uh, Mom, uh, listen.

I don't want to put a damper on an otherwise happy occasion, but could you

something about Dad?

What?

He's driving me up the wall with these tickets.

Oh, come on, Theo. Your dad is just being your dad.

Yeah, but today he's being more dad than ever. I mean, I was in the backyard

five minutes ago, and he was hosing down the beach chairs.

Theo.

Try to understand this, son. The frenzy that you think your father is in is not

the frenzy that he's in.

What kind of frenzy is he in?

Well, it started 21 years ago when you were born.

Just like he promised Sondra and Denise, he promised you an education.

And he hoped that you would have the same love for learning that he has.

But, sweetheart, you are a long shot.

There were times we weren't sure whether you'd make it out of high school.

I guess I did put a scare into you, huh?

Yes, you did.

Well, thank goodness you made it to college and then we found out about your

learning difference.

Now, see, somebody else would have used that as an excuse to just give up.

But you did the opposite.

And look at you today.

So how can you expect your father to contain himself?

I can't contain myself.

And why should I?

My baby's graduating from college.

See, when your father graduated from Hillman, they called his name. He walked

across the stage, accepted his diploma in his left hand, shook hands with his

right. Then he proceeded to hug every person on the dais, including the

He held up the ceremony for seven minutes.

Dad sure knows how to celebrate, huh? Yes, he does, and especially when it

to learning.

Mom, Theo, Denise is on the phone. She wants to talk to everybody. Come on,

sweetie.

Singapore, sweetheart, how's the lieutenant doing?

I'm protecting the country.

Denise! Oh, honey, hi.

Oh, listen, yes, I'm not going to talk long because I know you want to talk to

Theo and wish him congratulations.

What?

My baby.

What?

My baby's having a baby.

Hi,

Denise. It's me.

We're having a baby.

Don't let me be born until I get there.

Okay, Denise.

He's right here.

Bye, Denise. Bye, baby.

Sorry, Dad.

Hey, Denise.

How you doing?

Uncle Theo here.

Yeah, well, congratulations to you, too.

I'll see you tomorrow.

Yes, listen to your Grandma Carrie.

Sit down as much as you can now because you will never sit down again.

Never. And if Martin starts to get on your nerves and that smile you used to

think was so sexy now looks stupid, don't tell him. It'll pass most likely.

Tell her, Grandma.

Excuse me, son.

Hey, Denise, now listen. This is very important advice.

Don't ever call anybody ugly, because the baby will look just like them.

Now you get yourself some rest. Bye.

Yes.

She needs her rest.

Grandpa, we're ready.

All right.

Both of you, stand right here. All right. Now, you know we're going out.

going out to a big graduation, a big celebration, right?

All right. Now, there's certain things I don't want you to say out loud anymore.

Now, what was it that you said to that man, remember?

What did you say?

Ooh, look, that man has hair growing out of his ears.

Correct. If you see hair growing out of the ears, let it grow. You don't have to

tell the man about it. All right?

Now, for you, you don't say out loud the way you did the last time what?

Oh, jelly.

Oh. Yeah.

That isn't nice.

And I want you to understand that we cannot spend the afternoon picking you

and taking you to the bathroom.

Now, do you have to go now?

Hammer time!

All right. Go on out. Go on out. Hammer out! Hammer out!

Well, son, I know this is your big day. Yes.

Dad, first the daughter graduates and now the son.

Oh, boy.

And we're all proud of you, son. Well, Dad, I'm proud of myself. Thank you very

much. But as we all know, son, you have a tendency to get a little exuberant at

these functions.

Yeah, well, Dad, I would never do anything to embarrass the family.

Confetti, son?

Oh, yeah, well, you know, when they say graduates, you just... And isn't this

the thing that you used at Princeton?

Yeah, it's...

Sir, crowd control, you see.

Well, you just controlled yourself, son. Yes, okay.

Tell me to control myself?

A grown man living in my own house.

What was that, son?

Nothing, sir.

Sweetheart, are you wearing a slip?

Grandma? Well, the wagon's out. I got a man holding the seats for us.

But Cousin Cliff was still short three tickets. That's right. I got beach

here for everybody. Oh, Dad, look.

Oh, wait a minute. We're short three tickets. Elvin and I will stay here.

makes two.

No, no, I'm the extra man. I won't go. That makes three. I can't let you do

that, honey.

Honey?

We're just friends.

You and I will stay. Sondra, you go.

No, no, no, no, no. What is this?

Everybody's quitting?

Dad, we do not have enough tickets.

I understand that.

So, this is all of a sudden reminding you all of what?

Princeton!

And as far as you are all concerned, some horrible things happened.

What were they?

The security guard.

The tow truck.

The Doberman.

It was a German shepherd.

See, now that's how much you people remember.

Now, we're going to a graduation.

And I will tell you, I don't know what's going to happen at this graduation, but

I'll bet you it'll be something that you will never forget.

You got that right, son.

All right, you people do what you want. I'm going on ahead. You do what you want

to do.

I'll take one of your dad's. Give me one of those. Thank you. All right, now,

binoculars. Everybody raise your binoculars.

All right, down.

Cameras, up and down.

All right, let's head out. Oh, wait. The guest of honor. T .O.!

T .O.!

Hey,

beach chairs.

Yes.

Why not?

Okay. Oh, excuse me. What's that? That's a man through.

T .O., three tickets.

That's the best I could do. Yo, Kenny, man, this is unbelievable.

Where'd you get these?

My brother.

Your brother?

Yeah.

My brother said that if you can't do something nice for a neighbor, don't

living next door.

All right, bud.

All right, move. Everybody, quickly.

Come on.

Out of here.

Come on. Hurry up. Hurry up. Now, you know the cause.

You know the cause.

Come on, you two. Come on.

Make sure they're 92 shows.

Okay. All right. Thank you. Let me see. Hit a spin.

Hit a spin. Hit a spin.

Hey, Dad.

Go ahead. Get in the car and leave room for your mother.

Huh?

All right. Here we go again.

Here we go again.

Yes.

Honey,

what are you doing? Just in case. Just in case.

Thank you.

Excuse me. Could you move down? No, I'm sorry, brother. These seats are

reserved.

I saved two prime seats for you right here in the middle. And may I say my

is very territorial on your behalf.

Oh, Lance.

Anybody see a field?

Left side of the park, 46th row, 18th man in.

I got him.

You are the leaders of the next millennium. You can choose to live at

expense of the community.

The next millennium.

Our son and daughters.

of giving your fair share.

Theo? Yo.

Hard to get good help, isn't it?

Son, your mother asked me to come up here and kill you.

Hey, I know.

You know what?

What's she gonna say?

And it's under control.

So, no problem. No problem, right.

How do you expect to get into college with grades like this? No problem.

Huh? See, I'm not going to college. Damn right.

I am gonna get through high school.

and then get a job like regular people. Regular people?

Yeah, you know, who work in the gas station, travel bus, something like

So what you're saying is your mother and I shouldn't care if you get D's because

you don't need good grades to be regular people.

Right.

Okay. Oh.

Suppose you graduate.

From high school. Let's say you just slide by.

All right. Now, you've got to find a job.

Now, what kind of salary do you expect for a regular person?

$250 a week.

$250 a week? Yeah. Sit down.

I'm going to give you $300 a week. Yes, indeed.

$300 a week, $1 ,200 a month.

All right? Great, I'll take it. Yes, you will. And I will take $350 for

taxes. Whoa!

Huh? Yeah. Now, because, see, the government comes for the regular people

Now, how much does that leave you with?

$850. All right.

Now, you've got to have an apartment because you are not going to live here.

So, an apartment in Manhattan will run you at least $400

a month.

I'll live in New Jersey.

All right.

You live in New Jersey, you've got to have a car.

I'll ride a motorbike.

You need a helmet.

Figure $100 a month for clothes and shoes.

Figure $200. I want to look good.

Okay, so what does that leave you with? $200.

So, no problem.

There is a problem. You haven't eaten yet.

I can get by on bologna and cereal.

So, I got everything I need, plus $200 left for the month.

You plan to have a girlfriend?

For sure.

Regular people.

Here. Here. Here. Here.

See? See, there is there. This is here. Come here.

Dad, Denise pushed us out of the bathroom and stole the shampoos in

and she wouldn't let me rinse it off like Mom said to, and now Rudy might be

blinded for life.

If she is, can we get a dog?

Dad, I thought about what you said, and I see your point.

Thank you.

Thank you.

But I have a point, too.

Make your point.

You're a doctor and Mom's a lawyer. And you're both successful and everything,

and that's great.

But maybe I was born to be a regular person and have a regular life.

If you weren't a doctor, I wouldn't love you less because you're my dad.

And so instead of acting disappointed because I'm not like you,

Maybe you can just accept who I am and love me anyway.

Because I'm your son.

Theo, that's the dumbest thing I've ever heard in my life.

No wonder you get D's in everything.

afraid to try because you're afraid that your brain is going to explode and it's

going to ooze out of your ear now i'm telling you you are going to try as hard

as you can and you're going to do it because i said so i am your father

i brought you in this world and i'll take you out

Son, come here.

Come here.

Now, listen to me.

I just want you to do the best you can.

That's all.

I'll try, Dad.

Yeah. I really will. All right. I love you.

Yeah, Dad. Huh? I know. Yeah.

And maybe.

Your mother loves you too.

graduated, dear.

What do you mean he just graduated?

They stood up and then she said, please be seated.

Well, yeah, that's what you do when you have 8 ,000 graduates.

Dear, when we graduated, what did they say? They didn't say, stand and sit

I mean, what do you get when you go to graduate school?

Jumping jacks?

With 8 ,000 graduates, if they called everybody's name, we'd be here till

tomorrow night.

I would love to hear my son's name out there.

Dear, we spent close to $100 ,000. They didn't say, everybody stand and be

seated. They said, individually, sign your check.

Hey, Dad, when I graduated, what happened?

I stood up, didn't I? And they called my name. Remember, Mom?

And I walked up, and what did I do, honey? You were there. Yes, I know what

did. You shook hands with everybody.

Of course. And then you hugged everybody on the bed. And what did my father do?

My father came up on the stage and walked with me. Didn't you, Dad?

Didn't you? And my father said, this is my diploma as well as it is my son's

diploma.

Yes? We're going to go now. We're going to go sit in the car. Oh, really? Yes.

It's over? It's over, boy.

There's nothing else?

There's nothing else. Then stand up and sit down.

All right, I've graduated.

We'll graduate again.

We'll go to teacher's college.

And there you go.

That was a great day.

Great day. College day.

Cliff, now we're all on for dinner next Thursday night. Let's make it Wednesday.

We'll wait so long.

But still at 8 o 'clock? 8 o 'clock.

Ha -ha.

Take care now.

Your wife goes. She lives here.

All right. Hey,

guys. All right.

Everything all right? Yeah.

College, there's a graduation party or two out there with my name on it.

Well, go forth and graduate this party.

You got it. Go ahead, guys. Thank you. All right.

You don't need anything, do you? No, I'm cool. All right. Good night, son. Did

you go in my pocket upstairs? Not at all.

Don't wait up for me, okay? All right. All right. Go ahead.

I'll be back kind of late. Well.

I love days like this. Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because I like to see you smile.

Yeah.

Yeah, and you never smile as much as on days like this.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You know, I got something to make you smile.

Really? You better believe it.

First you need a little mood lighting.

I'm smiling so far.

Now, I want you to go outside and ring the

doorbell.

No! I'm serious, honey. I fixed the doorbell, and you will smile. When you

it, you will smile. I don't think so.

Okay,

I'll go out, and I'll ring the doorbell myself.

Yes, and I will dial 911.

No, no, it works now, and it works the way I want it to work. All right, you

think I'm kidding.

All right.

Who did?

I just finished working 18 hours in a hospital. I delivered over 8 ,000

It's an earring, Dad. Have you been tagged by the Wildlife Society?

We're here to say goodbye.

To Lamont Goldfish.

I always felt safe with him around.

I think I need mom for this.

I'm a gynecologist. You want to talk to a lawyer?

Mom! Dad!

Oh, it's so good to be home.

I'm engaged.

To do what?

To be married.

Congratulations, you are the grandparents of a healthy boy.

And a girl.

What? Twins?

Two babies?

I only hope that I can do as good a job with my children as you've done with

yours.

Not every day a man gets to meet the parents of the woman he married.

Mom, I'm a mom.

Kitchen.

You don't... I realize how hard we've worked to try and get all of these

children out of this house.

I'm not leaving here. If you want to go, fine.

The 22 years I've been married to you,

have been the happiest one day at a time I've ever had in my life.