Original subtitles

Hi -ho hi -ho It's off to work I go.

When are you working today? It's Saturday.

Yeah, well, if we don't reach an agreement today, hi -ho, hi -ho, it's

court I go Monday morning, and we don't want that to happen. Why not?

Well, this case is a long shot for my clients, and these are my clients. These

are your clients?

Mm -hmm. A bunch of little kids running around a playground.

How are they paying you, Mom? Are you taking their lunch money?

No.

My firm agreed to represent their community center. They're about to lose

playground. Somebody's going to tear it down and put up an office complex.

Well, no wonder they look so sad.

Well, they look that way because I promised ice cream to the child who

make the most pitiful face. Well,

I'm pulling all the stops out on this one because I'm going up against a very

tough attorney, Bernadette Foley.

Mom, Bernadette Foley? You guys are friends.

You go out to dinner.

How can you go up against someone you like?

personal, darling. This is the practice of law.

You see, we appreciate each other's abilities.

Oh, right.

Okay, okay, strategy.

You want Bernadette to thank you all her friends so when she lets down her

guard, you can go for her throat. I got it.

Denise, it's nothing like that. We really do respect each other. But, Mom,

know you're the better attorney, right? You could rip her to shreds any time you

wanted.

What are you talking about? Nobody's gonna be shredded here.

This is not Perry Mason. I'm just representing my client's best interest.

that note, I've got to get out of here.

Okay, but Mom, down deep inside, you know you're the better attorney, right?

been in your office since your company redecorated it. Very nice.

And I like that print.

Oh, that. That is a signed Elgin clay.

That is a very limited edition.

Yeah, I know.

Why, your firm has one?

Oh, no. We don't have the print. We have the original.

How nice.

Let's get down to work, Claire.

Look, I've read over all of your correspondence, and frankly,

I don't know why you're here.

These are my clients, Bernie.

They are why I'm here.

That's very good.

You really got them to look pathetic, Claire.

But let's get down to the facts. Your client has put a playground on my

land. Yes, they do. Not once in five years did they obtain my client's

permission. True. All right. Now, we are set to begin construction on that land

next week.

We have every legal right to do it.

And we're sorry that these kids have to find another play area, but it's not our

responsibility.

Claire, case closed.

Bernie, open it up again.

Why? Because for years we have been writing to your client and never

response, and we believe that we have grounds for adverse possession.

That's ridiculous. You can't claim adverse possession unless there's been

occupancy for 20 years or more. The community center was constructed in

and although the playground was recently added, the land has been in use for 20

years. You are kidding me. You are pulling my leg. That will not stand up

court. The judge will throw you out on your teeter -totter. I don't think so.

All right, Claire. I'm going to give you our final, final word on this.

No. No. It's impossible.

Forget it.

Well, Bernie, thank you for your final word.

And, uh, see you in court.

Fine. Fine.

Great.

said was no can't we talk it over

The divorce became final yesterday, so I've been making a few changes.

Sure have.

Yes, all for the best.

Bridget's very happy. She has a great new life up in Nyack. Her little

Beth comes to visit me every other weekend.

You can see how I'm doing. It's the new me.

You look all right.

Well, you know, the change was necessary.

And it's all explained in this letter. This is the letter that Bridget wrote to

me the day she left. And I want you to read it.

I want you to read it out loud. Out loud?

Absolutely. That's why I came over here.

You want music with it?

No, straight up.

Okay.

My dearest Jeffrey, I love you, but I can't live with you.

Our life together was too boring.

We never did anything spontaneously.

If I said, let's drive to the beach and run barefoot on the sand, you'd say, no,

we might step on poisonous creatures.

It's true, Cliff.

And all the romance in our relationship seemed to fade.

You talked about a tuna fish sandwich.

With more passion than you would about how I looked.

Well, I do have a weakness for tuna fish.

You want me to keep reading?

No, it just goes on about how too boring I am, too civilized.

But those days are over. Check these threads.

Do you think these are the clothes of a man who lacks passion?

No, indeed.

And I'll tell you something else that's part of the new me.

other one if you don't like this one. Good.

This is a little different.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I'll tell you what's next.

Uh -oh. I want to get a sports car.

I've been driving around with these clothes and my old station wagon.

Then get a sports car.

Why not? I can afford it.

I just sold another novel. I know a dealership that sells exotic bees.

Whoa!

I knew you would know. That's why I came over here. Come on, let's go. All

right, let's go. I'm ready.

Oh, but one thing now. What's that? I don't want a convertible. No.

I mean, I put so much money into these things, I wouldn't want them to go

off.

Claire, what you're asking for is impossible. The building is all office

There isn't a single square inch to spare. You've got 15 ,000 square feet

for executive health club space. Give some of that up, Bernie. What do you

the executives to do, go down and play on the swings?

No, Claire, it's impossible. The architect's going to be here in a couple

minutes. She's going to tell you the same thing. Fine, let's take a break and

wait for her.

I had the most incredible meal last night. Yeah? Yeah, I took my mother to

Lutef. We started out with the escalope de saumon frais à l 'océan,

moved on to the tornados au pois de canard, finished that

with a lovely frites rouges au coulis de framboise.

My tastes have become more exotic.

Last week, Cliff and I went to Raga.

I had vegetable samosa, palak paneer, puri bread, and mango lassi.

Yes. And didn't give Cliff any.

No.

Let's order lunch.

Yeah. All right.

What'll it be? Pizza. Good.

Clark, could you come in here? We want to order some lunch.

Clark, we'd like to order pizza. What size?

Large. Small.

Medium.

Uh, pepperoni? Not on my half.

Sausage? No.

A little extra cheese?

No cheese on my half.

All right, let me get this straight.

One half pepperoni, sausage, extra cheese.

The other half pita bread?

I suppose you would just laugh at anchovies.

No anchovies. All right, all right. No anchovies on her hand. No anchovies near

my hand. Claire, I've got to have anchovies.

Anchovies are non -negotiable. That smell, it floats all over the box and

into every piece.

Clark, one medium pizza, one half sauce only. The other half, pepperoni,

sausage, extra cheese. And have someone walk behind you with a cup of anchovies.

Gotcha.

Hey, Mr. Ingalls.

It's all right. The guy said it would take a while. People who know you have

get used to it, right?

Right.

Sorry you weren't with us. We just took a test drive in a Vesuvia FR5BX.

Whoa. Those things have 12 cylinders and they go over 210 miles an hour.

Yeah, your father and I put it through its paces.

As a matter of fact, the car is sitting right outside.

Whoa. Oh, man, it's red.

Yeah. Did you buy it? Well, they're just letting me drive the demo for a day to

see if I like it. And I think I like it. Well, how fast have you driven it?

Well, it's not so much a matter of how fast. I mean, every two blocks there's a

light, so we just went... We

stayed in reverse.

more than we did second gear.

But you should have seen the way those young girls looked at your father and me

when we were in that car. It was as if, Mr. Ingalls.

Now, I have a very busy schedule at school, but I would find the time to

and buff your car once a week if you buy that car.

Phil, you're a prince. I wouldn't even charge you money for it. All I ask is

that you allow me to take a spin in it once a month.

What? I'd be delighted to take you for a drive.

No, no, no.

What I meant was once a month, I get to drive it. Are you nuts?

Look, the mechanic explained only one person can drive this car. If anybody

tries to drive it, the car becomes extremely confused.

But, uh, would you still be interested in washing it for me?

I think my son's schedule just got a lot busier than mine.

Oh, well.

Say, you know all this excitement is making me hungry?

Tell you what. Why don't I go out and get us each a three -pound lobster?

For lunch?

Why not?

Hey, why not?

Hey, come on, Theo.

You know, there's a fish market in New Jersey where you can buy them fresh

off the boats. Cliff?

Start that water boiling now.

Wait a minute. You're going all the way over to Jersey. I don't have to start

with the water right away. It's only five minutes for it to boil.

You forget.

I'm driving the Vesuvia.

Hey, hold this. I got another one in the car. I want to see which one you like

the best.

Ten points.

Double blank.

Ten points.

What?

Don't leave this thing around the house.

What are you guys doing?

We're playing dominoes. Well, teach me how to play it. Okay, I'll tell you

I'll teach you, but first, my feet are a little cold.

If you go upstairs, look in my closet, way in the back, on my leather slippers.

Bring them down. Okay. All right.

Pretty crafty. You better believe it. See, she'll go upstairs.

You know how kids are. Look in their closet, see nothing, and then not want

come back down here. She'll go in her room and play for the rest of the night.

This is my play.

Thank you, my dear.

Okay, fine. But I would appreciate if you would go upstairs and get my robe.

It may be somewhere in Rudy's room. Look around hard and good for it. Now you go

ahead. But this better be it.

My play.

Now I will... Hi. Oh, my goodness.

Hello.

Jeffrey? Hello.

This is, um, Bernadette Foley.

Hello. Hi.

Hi. How'd the two of you make out? Bern, is she treating you all right? It's

been an interesting day, Cliff.

Claire has been trying to rearrange the architect's model of this building my

clients are putting up. She's had it on its side.

She's had the lobby on the roof.

She's had the parking garage in the nave of the Episcopal Church next door. She

finally suggested that we take the whole 48 -story building and put it

underground.

He said, Claire, there are easier ways to get to Australia.

You came up with that retort just like that?

That was unbelievably clever.

Anybody like something cold to drink?

Apple juice. Apple juice? I'd like a soda.

Diet? No, sugar.

Jeffrey?

No, nothing for me, but I'll come with you. Oh.

And Bernadette?

Sensational. Oh, yeah?

Oh, she's so attractive and witty. And did you hear what she said about that

drink? She didn't want that diet stuff. She's a rebel.

Sugar.

So you like her, huh? Like her?

Look at me. I'm fluttering.

Wait a minute.

Wait a minute. Was I wearing this thing?

It's natural. Now just put it back on. No, I can't. What do you mean you can't?

Why? Because this is artificial turf.

And there's no turf up here at all.

She doesn't know that you don't have hair. You don't understand.

This person is so magnificent, I don't know what I can say to her. Look, we're

going to go back out there.

I'll start to talk about you, okay?

You just sit there and then take your cue, all right? Now put the thing on.

right. All right.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

You got it on backwards.

All right. But if she doesn't spark to what you're saying, just make any...

You know, Jeffrey just told me he sold a new novel. Oh, yes? Yes.

You're a novelist?

Oh, yes. He's a fine writer of Western novels.

And what is the title of this new book?

Longhorns from Laredo.

Wait a minute.

What is your last name?

Well, my name is Engels, but I write under the name Buckleroo.

Are you the same Buck LaRue who wrote Five Bullets for Billy?

Yeah, that was the first in my Billy series.

Oh, that is a tremendous book.

Oh, this is a treat to meet you. I don't normally read westerns, but somebody in

my office gave me that book. This book is so gritty and raw, I kept wondering

what Buck LaRue looked like.

I kept picturing this cowboy with his six -shooters strapped to his side,

the range.

Actually, I'm allergic to horses.

Well, at any rate, you have an incredible imagination. This book is

the most wonderful imagery and passion.

Claire, why don't we go in the kitchen and get some cheese?

No, wait, wait. You stay here. Excuse me.

What are you coming in here following me for?

I can't do this. It's just impossible.

What do you mean you can't do this? You heard her. She was excited about you.

She said raw and gritty. She was interested in you. Oh, I know, I know, I

I know. But, I mean, this is not really me.

None of this stuff. It's just ridiculous.

It's ridiculous.

Look, I know I'm boring, but I have to be me. Here I meet this wonderful

and I behave like a complete... Idiot! I'm very sorry about it. The whole

thing's been a mistake. That's it.

Good evening.

Good evening.

Where'd everybody

go?

But you didn't find my yellow robe.

I did.

You did?

Yes, Rudy helped me.

Rudy found my yellow robe?

No, but she said when she was little, you did the same thing to her.

Did what?

Make sure to look for your yellow robe when you wanted to keep her busy. So we

looked for it together.

Did you find it?

Yes. Well, where is it?

In other words, I don't get my robe until I teach you how to play dominoes.

Right. Now let's begin, but nice and slow.

Hey, Jeff.

Hey, neighbor. Well, you changed.

Yeah. The real Jeffrey Engels. Yeah.

My own clothes, my own head.

Very natural.

Well, you look nice.

So is Bernadette still here?

No, no, they went back to the law office.

Boy,

I'd really like to see her again.

And you know what I do?

By that time, I may be even more me.

Well, that'll be nice. That'll be nice.

Well... Better be going. I'm going to be returning a few things. You know, the

suit, the hair, and the Vesuvia. You're returning the Vesuvia? Yeah, yeah. The

dealer closes at about 5 o 'clock.

5 o 'clock? Well, you better hurry. It's 3 of.

You forget.

I'm going to be driving the Vesuvia.

in front of a studio audience.