Original subtitles

you

Excuse me?

The hostess asked us to share a table. You mind?

Oh, no, no.

I'm waiting for someone, but he hasn't arrived yet. Please.

I'm Tori. This is my friend Fran. Hi, I'm Martin.

So, Martin, are you a student at NYU?

No, I'm an engineer in the Navy.

Oh, you must be an officer.

Yes, I am. I'm a lieutenant.

We're grad students at NYU.

Psychology. You know, I've been waiting about 20 minutes for a menu. Why don't I

just get up and get one?

Excuse me.

That man is mine, and don't you fight me on this one.

Not so fast.

You see this man has a wedding ring on his left hand? Yes. I refuse to believe

that that gorgeous engineer lieutenant is married.

They're out of menus, can you believe it?

Sir Martin, I'd like to ask you something.

Sure. If I told you that we were having a party tonight at the Graduate Center,

would you like to come alone?

No. Who would you like to bring?

My wife.

I told you.

All the good ones are taken.

Oh, I don't know. I've heard that there are a couple left someplace.

Do you know?

Personally, I'll drink it. No, the Navy is full of them.

Full of them, okay.

Hey, Dad.

Hey. Fran and Tori. This is my father -in -law, Dr. Harkness. Hi.

Nice to meet you. This place is so crowded that the waitress asked them to

with me.

Well, if you've got to make someone sit with you, this is a wonderful choice.

Oh, yes.

It wasn't a very good choice for us. Really?

Martin led us on and made us believe he wasn't married.

No, no, no, no. Don't do that.

See that wedding ring on your finger? Oh, yeah. This is 26 years of wonderful

time. Wonderful time. This is five months a year of wonderful time.

time. Yes, indeed.

This is my son, Theo.

Oh, Theo.

Hi, nice to meet you, Theo. Hi. Your father and brother -in -law have been

leading a son, pretending to not marry.

That's not true at all. As a matter of fact, he is an eligible bachelor.

In fact, you should think of taking Theo to that party you mentioned.

Party? Oh.

I also traded for graduate students.

Graduate, undergraduate, what's the difference?

I just meant that I thought that you might be a little young, that you might

feel a little young. Let's not discriminate against young people here.

I mean, younger men have a lot to offer.

Yes, in fact, studies show that women live longer than men, right?

Well, an older woman should get involved with a younger man because that way

they'll check out at the same time.

Well, Theo, you present a very intelligent argument as to why we should

to this party.

Oh, okay.

Cool. Hey, bring your old assistants.

Waitress, waitress.

Yes, I would like to buy... young man a cappuccino. Why? Because studies show

that young men also have no money.

Santa gets around pretty quick, doesn't he? No, let me tell you. These were

three different Santas.

Oh.

One was black.

Say African American, okay?

Okay. One was white.

How can you say Caucasian? What?

Caucasian. Well,

anyway.

One was Chinese.

I want you to say Asian.

Santa helps

children

from all over the world, so he has a little bit of everyone inside of him. Is

that why he's so fat?

Who got ready to leave?

Your sisters are putting their finishing touches on Elvin's outfit.

There you go.

Hey. Hi, Daddy. Hey, Sparky, give me some sugar.

Mom, Denise, I would keep an eye on your husband if I were you.

I walk into the Cafe de Balzac and guess who was sitting there at a table with

two gorgeous women?

Who? Daddy Martin.

to make a big deal out of this honey the place was crowded so the girls had to

sit at our table yes and i do believe that if we had not shown them our

rings those two young ladies were going to take us out to a party tonight that's

a very nice clip come on girls let's go shopping wait wait a minute i just told

you that a gorgeous girl wanted to run off with me, and that's all you can say

is, come on, girls, let's go shopping? You could never have done such a thing.

Why? Never in a million years, for two very good reasons. First of all, you

would never be interested in another woman.

Well, that's right.

Now, what's the second one?

She probably thought you were too old.

Dad,

wait till you see what we did to Elvin.

He's supposed to look like an elf when he goes to visit the children at the

hospital. Now, he only wanted to wear tights, but we made him an entire

He truly is an elf.

Okay, now, everybody, he's feeling a little self -conscious, so when he comes

down here, I want you all to really play it up. They can feel good.

Elvin!

I'm not coming down.

Oh, come on, honey. You're going to be late.

I'm studying to be a doctor to earn people's respect.

I volunteered out of the goodness of my heart to give presents to kids in the

hospital, and they said I had to wear tights and a hat, a simple hat and some

tights.

But no, my wife and her sisters, for reasons I will never understand, have

conspired to humiliate me.

Elvin, if you're going to be an elf, you should be the best elf you can be.

Well, I guess it's for a good cause, right? So I should do it.

Yeah. I'll do it.

I just don't know how I'm ever going to look the guys in the eye at the hospital

again.

Elvin, Elvin, you just have to ask yourself, am I a man or am I an elf?

Oh, don't listen to him, honey.

You're a man and an elf.

Come on, everybody, and get your coat.

Theo, we're going shopping. You want to join us?

No, but you can drop me off at Howard's.

Elvin. Yeah. There's no one out in the street. Oh, yeah? You can go out now.

Thanks, kid.

Oh, man, I must have been tired. I hit that sofa. I was out like that.

Yeah, I know. I was going to sleep on that couch myself.

Oh, I'm sorry. You should have said something.

I did, but you were snoring.

No more apple juice.

Really had a taste for some apple juice.

Can we share?

Might as well. You took the sofa.

Thank you.

So, this afternoon we met at the Café de Balzac.

Now we're sitting around the kitchen table.

Guess you could say this is our day together.

Okay. You know, it's been about four months since I first met you, and I

really have the feeling that I know you.

I'm Cliff.

See? See, you are funny. You have this way of making people laugh. I admire

that.

You know, Dr. Huxtable, I really...

really love your daughter and i want you to know that this is a great family to

live with and i really appreciate everything you've done for us really and

want to apologize once again for marrying your daughter without you

about it i'm sure it came as quite a surprise surprise i was shocked

i didn't even have a chance to reject you you would not have

rejected me Suppose I'd had a shotgun and I said, don't come through this

I would have said, open fire.

You can take my life, but you can't take my love.

Pretty good.

You knew my daughter only two weeks, and then you got married.

Now, in the course of that, Two weeks.

Did, um... Oh!

Oh,

boy.

I don't know if I should be sharing that with you, Dr. Huxtable.

Yes, you should.

When I first met Denise, I was very attracted to her because she is

hot. I mean, no disrespect intended.

Sorry, it's just watch your mouth.

Okay, all right. Anyway, I can't believe I'm telling you this, but...

You should.

I really wanted to... Yeah, yeah, be careful.

Express myself physically with her. Can I say that?

Yeah, but you're borderline. Okay.

But you will be happy to know that Denise was having none of that.

Really? On our wedding night, I discovered that of the two of us, only

one of us had had prior experience. And as you know, I'm the one with the

daughter. So you're telling me that my daughter...

Yep.

what Lieutenant Junior Grade's uniform looked like in the 1950s. That's right.

Ten, hop!

At ease, sailor.

Wait a minute. I outrank you, Lieutenant Junior Grade.

Not in my house.

Dr.

Uxable, I must say, this is very sharp. Very, very sharp. Well, thank you very

much. And I especially loved wearing this on foreign soil.

Oh, I didn't know you were overseas.

Oh, yes, indeed.

And found myself in some pretty hot spots, too. No kidding. Where?

St. Croix, Bermuda.

Thank you.

Hey!

Hey, Elfin, how'd it go?

Well, listen, I have to admit, when they asked me to do this, I really didn't

want to do it.

And when I saw this costume, I really didn't want to do it.

But I'll tell you, when I got to the hospital, I saw the smiles on the faces

those kids.

It was unbelievable.

I loved it. I'm going back again tomorrow.

You know, I was so good that I upstaged Santa Claus.

Man, he was pitiful.

I mean, I was Elvin the Elf. He was Santa the Sad Sack.

It was great. I was so good that one of the patient's fathers, Dr. Ventura,

asked me to do his daughter's birthday party. I'm getting a hundred bucks.

All I can say is eat.

I hate to get out of this costume, though. I really love it.

Come on, I'll buy you an apple juice.

Ah, we drank the last one, remember? That's all right. Then we'll get

healthy like ice cream. Oh, I'll stop.

Yeah.

You know, I must tell you that

I've enjoyed your company today.

Starting with the two women at the coffee place, you know.

And I really do like you. I do.

I think that the only thing that's missing, though, is I feel

robbed.

Robbed. See, when Sandra got married, I gave her away because I'm the

father, you see. I didn't, in the beginning, want to give her away to

Because, I mean, actually, Alvin, but now, after knowing him, you know, forget

the elf stuff.

But with Denise, she comes home and is married, and what's missing is I

didn't give her away. I'm sorry about that. I wish there was something I could

do. Well, who gave her away?

Uh, Mufaro.

He was a man from a nearby village. He had many goats.

A man with many goats gave my daughter away in my place. I'm afraid so.

Would it make you feel any better if I told you that the goats weren't at the

wedding?

Uh, no.

Daddy, we're back from shopping!

Hey, I'm glad, because I missed you!

Where's Denise?

Oh, good. I'm going to go help.

Mrs. Huckstable will see.

She doesn't want us eating.

Yeah, yeah, you see Santa Claus a lot this time of the year. Yes, indeed.

The Santa I saw wasn't at the real Santa.

Right. Real Santa's at the North Pole.

Have you ever seen the real Santa?

Of course I have.

Every year, he comes down the chimney in my house, and he says, Dr.

Huxtable, how are ya? Ho, ho, ho!

He's got rosy cheeks, beard,

and a twinkle in his eye.

Is he Caucasian or African -American or Asian?

Santa Claus is whatever

you are in that house.

See, when he comes down the

chimney, let's say that you were Japanese.

He would be, zoom, Japanese.

And then he would come in here, same Santa Claus, zoom, African -American.

I was over to Mr.

Jefferson's house. He's Caucasian, you know.

And I'm sitting there, Mr. Jefferson left.

Santa Claus came down. Zoom!

He was Caucasian. Looked at me. He said, uh -oh.

You understand?

So, so, so. So I said, it's all right. He'll be downstairs in a minute. And we

gave a high five.

You're making no sense, Dr. Episcopal. No one can change like that.

Are you telling me?

who makes toys for little kids, the man who knows if you're naughty or nice,

doesn't have the ability to change?

What color is he at the North Pole?

You have to ask Mrs. Santa Claus.

Well, I want to talk to Mrs. Santa Claus.

Do you have her phone number?

Yes, because adults...

have the phone number to the Santa Claus house.

Because if little girls and boys had it, they'd be calling every five minutes.

Oh, Santa Claus can I have this? Santa Claus can I have that? And you better

just stop bothering me before I call Santa and give him a bad report about

No, no, don't do that.

Yeah. Well, then you better prove to me that you're a good girl.

I'm good, I'm good.

Yeah, well, you have to prove it to me. You have to do something.

What? You mop this floor.

Okay, where do we start? I'm ready.

I don't believe this.

Give me the mop, please.

See, sit down in your ice cream. You kids are all alike. Every time around

Christmas time, you'll do anything.

Oh, I'll mop the floor. Oh, I'll do the windows. Oh, I'll wash your car. Oh,

I'll do anything.

And then somewhere around April, I'd say mop the floor.

Your daughter's arm. And cue.

And would you please escort the bride to the altar?

Now, even though we're already married, there's something missing.

A man by the name of Mufaro gave this woman, Denise Huxtable, away to me,

Kendall. Unfortunately, the only thing he could realistically give away were

many goats.

Now, is there a man in the room who would like to give his daughter away?

Ah, here's a gentleman right here.

Please give her away.

This is not alone.

Denise, take me, Martin, to be your husband?

I already did.

Do you, Martin, take me, Denise, as your wife?

I already did.

Now I may kiss the bride.

Talk.

Where are you going?

Honeymoon.

The cast and show was taped before a studio audience.