Original subtitles

Hey.

Hi. How was your day?

Terrible. Really? The opposing attorney's getting a divorce. I must

man of his wife because he looked at me in front of the judge and said, what do

you know about anything? You should be home taking care of your husband and

children. At which point I politely turned to him, offered him my card and

please give this to your wife.

I'd love to represent her in your divorce for free.

Tell me again what he said.

He said, what do you know about anything?

What is his name?

No, because I will go over and talk.

No, I'm serious. Now, let me tell you about my day, dear. Darling, let's talk

about that later.

I've had a terrible day.

Well, I listened to you talk about your day. Why can't you listen to mine?

You asked me about my day. I did not ask you about your day.

Days like this, I feel like getting out of the legal profession and I come home

and see these bills. I know why I'm working.

What bills?

Am I not allowed to talk?

I'm sorry. Of course you can talk. Come on, and we can look at these bills

together. The first one is from Jake's Appliances. Is there anything I should

know about this, Cliff?

No, I don't think so.

I don't think so. No, no. Look, as a matter of fact, I was thinking, since

you're so depressed, why don't I take you for a nice long ride?

Oh, the cutest thing. Thank you, my darling. And I'm looking at this bill. I

know you. You go into Jake's and get unconcerned. Stop.

Total purchases for the month, $2 .69.

That's right. And the $2 .69 I spent on batteries for your calculator.

And I think you should apologize with a kiss.

Well, I'll kiss you, but it's not an apology. I just like having my lips on

face. Mmm, I love that.

Mom, Dad, I'm glad you're back. Why is it that every time I kiss my wife, a

child pops up?

How was your day at school today, Rudy?

Why are you asking her about the day and you didn't ask about mine?

Please, let the child speak.

School was fine.

Good. Listen, there's something I saw I want you to get me.

Yeah, well, why is it that it's always something I want you to get me? Why

you ever say, Mom, Dad, I want to buy you something?

Why would I say that?

Well, Mom, I already have everything.

If I had what you had, I wouldn't have to ask for it.

Yes, and you know what we have that you don't have?

Jobs.

What is it that you want?

I was at the mall, and there it was in the window.

The most beautiful sweater.

ever seen.

You take one look at it, and this is to die for.

Now, didn't I take you to the mall last month and buy you new sweaters? Yeah,

but you didn't buy this one.

This one is to die for.

I think I know why Rudy wants to buy a new sweater.

I was walking Rudy home from school the other day, and we bumped into this ten

-year -old boy named Clarence. No!

No!

Mom's text was so flustered she could hardly talk. Really?

Vanessa, stop teasing your sister. I'm not. I think it's great. I'm all for

being in love.

Clarence! Oh. Dad, she has Clarence written all over her history. Oh, no.

No. No.

Vanessa, I'm studying somebody by the name of Clarence. Who are you studying?

King Clarence? Clarence the Great?

Clarence the Hun?

I think it's Clarence the Wonderful.

I told you I go to work to pay bills. That's only half the story. I also go to

get away from that.

You know, I had this demanding patient today.

Oh, baby, please.

Not now. Later, okay?

And it's time for me to prepare dinner now.

Perhaps you'd like to hear my story.

Since the beginning of time, everybody in the whole world... has had to

learn how to get along with one another, to be congenial in different

situations. Isn't that right?

I'll bet even 10 ,000 years ago, prehistoric men used some form of

table manners, for instance.

So, wake up, Kenneth.

So I thought it would be fun for us to study manners the way they are today.

our first lesson will be good manners at the dinner table.

As you can see now, I've set up the dinner table, and I want some volunteers

to come up and demonstrate good table manners.

Good, good, good, good.

Now, what about some male volunteers?

No male volunteers?

All right, have it your own way. Would you be good enough to oblige us, Kenny,

and follow me?

But I didn't volunteer. Yes, I know.

You've been drafted.

Congratulations, Kenneth. Come up here and sit at the table. Now, I need two

young ladies, Rudy and Amy, and I need one more gentleman.

I'll do it. Clarence, that's very good of you. Come along. Come along.

Now, you sit over there next to Rudy, and we're going to start to learn how to

pass bread at the dinner table.

Now, Amy, you ask Kenneth for the bread.

Kenny, may I have some bread, please? Yes, you may.

don't take the bread first dear hey have you ever seen her eat if i don't take

it now i'll never get it now rudy and clarence i'd like to see you do the same

thing clarence yes rudy may i please have the bread yes you may

thank you clarence no thank

you clarence

exactly right. Class, did you see this? I mean, I want you to do it exactly the

way Rudy and Clara did.

Class dismissed.

Oh, and children, tomorrow we're going to explore another form of communication

where good manners are absolutely essential.

The telephone.

And, uh, Kenneth, we'll start with you.

Very nice.

You should all do the way Rudy and Clarence do it.

You know, Clarence, I think you like Rudy. What are you talking about?

No, I don't.

Yeah, right.

You know, we saw you jump right into the seat next to her.

I don't like Rudy. Sure, tell us some other lies.

Right. Excuse me, Clarence, may I please get through? Hey, I'm standing here,

and if you want to get through, climb over to this, right?

Yeah. But you're in my way.

Tough. I was here first.

Goober brain. Just stay there.

Gronk face.

Arf head.

Lime tick.

All right, Clarence. Lime tick. You leveled her.

Back in the club, my man.

Hi, Dad. Hey.

Well,

it's Rudy and the Chiffons.

Well, the chiffons, a long, long time ago, was a singing group, and Mrs.

Huxtable and I would be sitting in a car, and they'd start to sing, and...

We'd start to kiss.

If a boy tried to kiss me, I'd throw him out the car.

Yeah, boys should stay in caves where they belong.

Yeah, most of the time they're hog heads.

Well, now, wait a minute. It sounds like you all are having some problems with

the boys.

Don't make me talk about it, Dad. I'll get sick to my stomach.

But you know what?

There's a certain guy by the name of Clarence.

Clarence? What?

He's just like all the other boys. Yeah, they walk around like they own the

world. I'll show you how they walk, Dr. Huxtable.

You got it.

Here we go. Put your lips where my heels slip.

What's that mean?

What's that mean?

What's that mean?

What's that mean? What's that mean?

What's that mean?

Hey, Dad. Back from the mall.

That's acceptable. Guess what?

What? I bought you a present. Guess what?

What? Give it to me.

There you go.

It's a pen that has a ship that floats in it. It's a bag. I know, just like the

one my daddy sells on.

Yes, well, thank you so, so much. Because I was just

saying to my children how nobody ever gives me anything. And look, you give

to me. This is the most beautiful pin I've ever seen.

Me too. Can I keep it?

You don't give someone a present and then ask for it back.

Look, he's crying.

I know, but he has a lot of pain.

Take your stinking pain.

I'm going to go upstairs and draw you a thank you note.

Thank you.

Dad,

you're a good sport. I think I'll go draw you a thank you note, too.

There's Martha and the Vandellas going downtown or somewhere.

Where are y 'all going?

Oh, Kim's mom's taking us to the mall.

What's happening at the mall?

That's where Clarence and all the other boys are.

Well, wait.

Four people who look like you all just walk through here saying, Black, this is

the way they walk. And now you're going to the mall where they are?

Right. That's where we're going.

Clarence and the boys hang out at Circuit Burger at the mall.

You're going to sit at the table right next to them. And ignore them.

Oh, wait, wait, wait. You're going over there and sit down next to them. And

when they look at you, you're going to ignore them.

Yes. Well, what if they don't look at you?

They will.

Today we're going to learn how to speak on the telephone with intelligence,

responsibility, and above all, good manners.

Kenny, remember, we're starting with you. Come along.

Quickly, quickly, quickly.

Now sit down at the table.

Attaboy. Are you ready?

What are we doing?

I'm going to call you up on the telephone.

Now, if you'll notice, there's a pad and pencil there. You can take messages.

Are you ready?

Yes, ma 'am.

Ring, ring.

Ring, ring.

Ring, ring.

Kenneth, I want you to pick up the phone when you hear me say, ring, ring.

Okay? Ring, ring.

Hello.

That's very good.

Hello, Kenneth. This is Mrs. McGee.

Is your father at home?

I'm afraid he's not here right now. Oh, that's too bad.

Will you ask him to call Mrs. McGee at the school? I will be in between 2 .30

and 5 .30. My number is KL58621.

Okay, bye.

Goodbye.

Kenneth, I left you a message. You didn't write the message down.

I can't. If my father found out that you called, I'd be in big trouble.

Class dismissed.

Clarence, don't forget to stay after and clean the blackboard. Yes, ma 'am. Oh,

and children, tomorrow is our last of the series of the good manners classes.

And guess what? We're going to have a dance.

Oh.

I want the girls to wear pretty dresses, and I want the boys to wear jackets and

ties. Oh.

All right, then the girls can wear a jacket and ties, and the boys can wear

pretty dresses.

Can you believe it? We have to dance with those glunks tomorrow.

Let's pretend we're sick and stay home. I have a better idea.

Let's do what we did at the mall. Ignore them. Yeah, that really worked.

Let's go over and do it right now.

basketball. I gotta say, I think it's a boy. Okay, bye. See you, Granny.

I forgot my history book.

So? So I'm going to get it.

Don't expect me to dance with you tomorrow.

Fine, dance with yourself.

That's not funny.

It wasn't meant to be funny.

to one of you. If you'd like to be so close together, you can be partners at

dance tomorrow.

Pick up these books, Rudy, and go home.

Clarence, finish cleaning the blackboard and go home.

And I'll take my notes and go home.

I said, what's happening, homegirl?

Hi.

Oh, that's nice.

Came here to do a little housework.

Cleaning the table with your feet so when I put my sandwich down, it can

like old dirty socks.

Okay,

well, we're depressed.

So, we'll just sit here.

And be depressed.

Daddy, it's not funny.

Oh, okay, I'm sorry. You want to talk about it?

Okay. There's this boy in my class, Clarence.

Clarence? Yes, yes, yes.

I hate him. Oh, no.

Okay, well, now, why do you hate him?

He pushed my books on the floor and shoved me.

Why do boys act like that?

Oh, okay. Well, look.

You're ten years old.

And ten years...

The girls, they're like capsules.

And the capsules are exploding.

Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. And the boys, they're like capsules. But their

capsules are still soaking.

Dad, that makes no sense whatsoever.

Okay, try this. Think of geraniums.

Girl geraniums open earlier.

The boys don't.

Don't open till sometime one night.

What in the world does this have to do with Clarence?

Clarence is a boy, not a capsule.

I am a girl, not geranium.

You should be better at this.

You've gone through three daughters before me.

Okay, let me try this on you.

Huh? That's okay.

I'll just go upstairs and see what I can find in the encyclopedia.

Hey, Woody, Woody, Woody.

Denise, we have to talk later.

Okay.

What was that all about?

Well, your sister's having problems with the ten -year -old boys, and I was

trying to explain it to her.

Oh, Lord, you didn't go rambling on about geraniums and capsules, did you?

No, I was not rambling, and I think it's a very good way to tell that particular

part of life. I mean, it worked on you.

Yes, and I was confused until I went to go see Mom.

Oh, come on. Yes. You never said anything like that. This is different,

because this boy, first of all, he shoved her, threw her books on the

Oh, my, Dad.

Yeah? This happens to all...

grade pushed me into a tree. And you see this?

You see this right there?

Todd Chaney, okay? He hit me with a bat and made me eat dust.

Why didn't you say something?

Because we were afraid you were going to go after them. Of course I am. It's

some thick business pushing people with baseball bats. Why didn't you say

something?

Yeah, well, you're...

around shoving, nobody says anything. How is that boy still here?

I just want you to know that.

Okay.

Do you really think I look gorgeous?

Yes. I was thinking of wearing a pink outfit instead.

No, just go with that.

It's to die for.

Thanks, Olivia.

Good. Now, we have a dance floor, and we have a punch bowl, and we're going to

have music, and presto, this is a social occasion.

And what do young ladies and gentlemen do at a social occasion?

They mingle. And what do we mean, mingle?

Mingle means to stroll about and say, how are you? And just fine, thank you,

and see you later. You understand?

Now, everybody, mingle.

Children, don't you think it would be interesting if the boys would mingle

the girls?

All right, we'll skip mingling and go right to the music.

Now, Rudy and Clarence, you're going to start the dance first, all right?

If he tries anything, we'll be right behind him.

She plays rock, step on her toes.

Right.

Do you think you could dance a little closer?

Would you like to pretend that you're enjoying yourself, children?

Rudy, a little smile.

Good girl. And Clarence, what about you? A smile.

All right, now, everybody, everybody, choose your partners and join Clarence

Rudy. Choose your partners and everybody dance.

Ah,

that's lovely.

Mr.

McGee? Yes, uh, Kenny, what is it? I can't dance.

What do you mean you can't dance? What's the matter?

All the girls are taken.

No, Kenny, not all of them.

The Cosby Show is taping for a studio audience.