Original subtitles

Winnie and Nelson, Mommy's here.

Oh, Winnie, please stop it. You're making Nelson upset.

Oh, come on, please, you guys. You haven't given me a moment's rest all

I need a cup of tea.

Now, all I ask is just for one cup of tea.

You guys can cry for the rest of the night if you just give me five minutes.

Hi, honey. I had the most fantastic day today. In anatomy class, we were

studying the skeletal system, and the professor asked if anyone could locate

incus bone, and guess who found it?

Mwah!

How was your day, huh? Oh, it was... Oh, great. Oh, I've got to say hello to my

sweet little sleeping beauty.

Elvin, please don't be near the babies. It took me over four hours to get them

to settle down. You just wake them up. I won't wake them up.

But I'm their daughter. I want to touch their noses and their toesies.

Stay away. I do not... want them to cry.

You've had a hard day, haven't you?

Hard? Elvin, I haven't had a moment to myself since four o 'clock this morning.

Why don't you take a walk, Muffin?

Take a walk? As if that's going to solve anything.

Is that what they're teaching you in medical school to tell your patients to

take a walk?

And don't call me Muffin.

I'm sorry.

Puffin.

And don't call me Puffin. I hate that even more than Muffin. I'm sorry,

May I call you Sandra?

Elvin, you don't know what I go through.

You're off at medical school every day talking with people, discussing science

and life, and then you just come in here, you pick up the babies, and then

say, hi, it's me, Dada, and then you spin them around a few times, you put

back in their bassinets, and then you go off and study.

You're tired.

You're exhausted.

Why don't you go to bed?

I'll cook dinner and take care of the babies for the rest of the night.

Have you forgotten that we're going to Mom and Dad's for dinner tonight?

We'll cancel.

But this is my only chance for a nice dinner and some adult conversation.

We're going.

Of course we're going. Of course. And I'll pack up the babies and we'll be on

our way right now. Okay?

Okay. I love you. I love you. I missed you. I missed you.

They're just kidding, honey. Don't stop them.

Look, please.

Now, my friend Homer said that he saw someone who looked just like him in the

Paramus Mall.

Really? Yes.

Oh, you're as skeptical as the rest of them. I'm telling you, Elvis is still

alive.

Did you really believe that? There's lots of proof. A tourist from Holland

in an off -limits area of Graceland.

Now, he took a picture of the pool house, and in the shadows was a man who

looked just like Elvis.

Elvis taking a little swim.

Absolutely loved the water.

Didn't you see blue Hawaii?

Get that, I'm leaving.

Oh, all right, well, have a good time.

I just wanted to talk to you about, I got a big date with Justine. This is her

birthday. Well, good.

You give her my best.

That's kind of what I had in mind, Dad.

No.

No, see, your best is parked in the garage, and I was wondering if I could

borrow the keys to it.

You want to borrow my car, please?

Come on, Heathcliff.

It's the girl's birthday. The boy's trying to make a good impression.

I used to lend you my car, didn't I?

It's a good idea. Take your grandfather's car.

It was your car he asked for.

Keys are in the coat.

Thanks, Dad. And do me a favor, please.

The way you borrow the car, that's the way I want it returned.

And please turn the radio off when you get back here. I don't want to be

frightened into some kind of fit when I turn it off. You got it, Dad. Thank you.

Elvis wore a hat like that in Viva Las Vegas.

To me, he looks like Zorro without the waterfall.

Oh, no.

My in -laws. Who asked you all to come over here?

Hello, Russell. How you doing? Hello, Lester.

Oh, will you look at that?

Claire told me about the new couch. It's lovely.

Oh, feel the fabric.

Cliffy, you dropped a bundle on this one.

Hello, everybody.

Hello.

My grandchildren.

My great -grandchildren. I think it's only fair that the oldest person in the

room should have the first kiss. Oh,

Russell, be prepared to give that baby up now.

It is safe. Thank you. God, he still smells new.

Oh, we're fine. Thank you.

Oh, I'm sorry, dear. It's good to see you.

So, tell me.

How's med school, huh? Oh, that is sensational. You know, we're studying

diseases of the vascular system. Yes. Today we saw a film taken inside an

heart. That thing's beautiful when it's pumping, isn't it? Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah. And we're studying the tricuspids and the Purkinje fibers. Yes,

please. But the best thing is that my favorite... But enough about me, huh?

Have you guys noticed the sensational pin that Sandra's wearing?

Did you say something, Alvin?

Yeah, I said, have you taken a look at the pin that Sandra's wearing? Yeah,

that's a nice pin. Where'd you get it, Sandra?

I forget.

Oh, honey, you remember we got it at that little shop in Soho. Sandra picked

out all by herself.

Tell them how the salesgirl said you had a real eye for jewelry.

The salesgirl said I had a real eye for jewelry.

And then they're working you hard. You're looking tired, man. Oh, Dad, it's

exhausting, but not as exhausted as I'd be if I was taking care of two babies.

Has it been difficult, Sandra?

What do you care?

Claire,

you cooked a mean, mean jambalaya. Claire didn't cook the jambalaya. I cook

jambalaya. You're not keeping it for too salty? No.

All right, you men. Into the living room, and we're going to get the coffee

dessert ready. If you men will wash the dishes.

It's a deal.

When I first met Lester, he didn't know how to do dishes.

He told me, on the island where I come from, men don't do that.

And I told him, well, you're on the island of Manhattan now, Buster, so get

that kitchen.

Come on, Lester, we're going to go where the women do whatever the men say.

I'm going to make some coffee, Francine and Tracy.

Okay, I'll get the cream.

This has been a wonderful evening.

I agree, but I did notice one person who was not having a good time tonight. My

daughter -in -law. Well, I think I know what's going on there.

She's having to spend a lot of time alone with the babies now that Elvin's

medical school.

That poor child. I know what it was having one, but twins? I can't imagine.

Hi. Hi, Sondra. Hi, sweetheart.

Come on over to the table and sit with us.

Oh, no, that's okay. I'll just do these dishes.

No, no, no. The men are going to do the dishes, Sondra.

Oh, they don't have to. I'm good at it. It's what I was put on earth to do.

You silly goose. Come over here and sit down.

What's so funny? Welcome to the club.

What club?

Oh, it's called the... I didn't know it was going to be like this after the baby

came. What did you think raising a child would be like?

I don't know. I used to see babies in the park and they were so cute and

I couldn't wait to have one.

I'd see Elvin and me playing with them and then putting them to bed and then

sitting in front of the fire and discussing their future.

You dug a nice little hole for yourself.

I know.

It's nothing like that. I'm up all day. I'm up all night. I'm up all the time.

No.

And then Elvin comes home. He plays with them for five minutes and then he

sticks his nose in a book.

Uh -huh.

I'm getting stuck with the dirty work, and he's off getting a medical degree.

Uh -huh.

Well, I'll tell you one thing, Daddy Dr.

Elvin. Uh -oh. You'd better do darn well in medical school, because after what

you have put me through, I am going to dump those kids on you, and then you can

take care of them and try and see what it's like to run a practice and raise

kids while I go to law school.

All right, Josh.

What's the matter?

The women are worked up about something in there.

Uh -uh.

about something. Now, what did you do?

Why does it have to be me?

Because we've been married longer. The women don't expect as much from us.

Sandra and I did have a little argument today over the babies.

Maybe she's still upset about that. I'll go talk to her.

You're losing your mind.

What is it, Dad?

Going in there.

He's right. You've got four mothers in that room at the same time.

It's like a pressure cooker. And you know what happens when you take the lid

a pressure cooker?

You go in there now,

we'll have to peel you off the ceiling.

have a Princeton degree.

Do you know how hard it is to get a Princeton degree?

3 .7 grade point average?

I tried to tell him.

I used to discuss psychology.

I mean, the most interesting thing I say these days is goo -goo -ga -ga -gee

-gee -poo -poo.

I mean, this is what I am looking at for the rest of my life.

And another thing. Okay, okay, enough.

Oh, Grandma, you told me to let it out. Yes, but while you were letting it

out... I got to thinking about all the things I still have inside of me. Well,

Anna, maybe you should let it out.

Don't hold back.

Four days after we had Heathcliff, Russell was on the road with the jazz

caravan. I would kiss him goodbye at the door, and he'd come home from work nine

and a half weeks later. He was a jazz musician, Anna. He had to earn a living.

Every now and then, your grandfather would send me a letter with clippings of

his reviews.

Slide Huxtable plays the sweetest trombone this side of heaven.

Slide Huxtable wows them in Peoria.

They should have been my reviews.

Anna Huxtable wows them, washes 50 diapers in one day.

It's just not working out the way it was supposed to. I mean, Sandra and I

talked about this. We agreed. She was going to raise the children while I was

med school. Then after I got my practice going, she would go to law school.

I'm holding up my part of the bargain. What is the problem?

Gentlemen, have you ever spent an entire day at home with a baby?

No. She won't let me near them.

Every time I do anything with them, she tells me I'm doing it wrong.

Well, welcome to the club.

It's a club where husbands do nothing right. We've been through all that.

Every one of us.

Welcome aboard.

Here's what happens. We come home.

and they complain that they've had to do all this and we've done nothing. So

then we say, all right, stand back, let me do it. And they say, no, you can't do

that. You're doing this wrong. We never do anything right.

Yes. If you pick up the baby, they'll tell you you're doing it wrong. That's

right. If you feed the baby, they'll say you're giving it too much.

On the button. If you give the baby less food, they'll say you're starving it.

Absolutely.

So what am I supposed to do?

Nothing. You do whatever the mother wants you to do.

But what am I supposed to do when she says all those nasty things about me?

Take it. Take it. Take it. Take it.

But what am I supposed to do when she tells me I did things wrong with the

that I didn't even do?

Take it.

Elvis. Yes, Rudy.

Where's Daddy and the nephews? We want to play with them. They're upstairs in

Mom and Dad's room, honey.

Listen, if they're asleep, don't wake them up.

We won't. And remember, their babies don't bounce them.

Look at her tiny little hand.

Yeah, I thought you did everything good.

What? My brother says that the baby is the greatest gift a woman can give a

Give a man?

A woman does not give a man a baby.

They share it.

No, they don't. She gives it to him. Then he lends it back to her to raise

When I have my baby, I'm going out and get a good job at my...

than staying home with the baby.

Looks like you won't be having babies.

Yes, I will, and I have a good job, too.

That's the problem with the world today. Too many women working.

They mess things up.

No, we don't. Well, my brother works for a woman, and she's always on him. If

he's a half hour late or he falls asleep at his desk, she's all over him.

I'm never going to work for a woman.

Well, then you're never going to work, because we're everywhere.

I'll get a job building houses.

Women do that.

Then I'll dig ditches.

Women do that.

Then I'll join the army.

We're in the army, too.

We can do everything you can do, only better.

See, that's the end of it. It's up to you.

You can make things a lot more peaceful around the house.

It should just help out a little bit more. Let me tell you one simple thing.

When Sandra was three and Denise was one, I saw in Claire's face, I mean,

despair. And no matter what I said or what I did.

So I said, I have to do something.

It was a weekend, Memorial Day.

And I said, dear.

You stay here, do whatever you want to do. I'm taking these children away from

you for an entire weekend.

I took the children, put them in the car, and we drove all the way up to

Took them fishing.

Every place I went, I put them by my side. Now, their mother would have had a

fit the way I had them there, but they never rolled off into the water.

Now and then a leaf would fall on the face, you know, something like that. But

it was nothing that hurt anything. I'm fishing. I catch a fish, and I would

it. Then I would take all of the bones off, and then I would mash the fish.

Just mash it, and then mash the potato, and mash the turnips, mix them all up.

Just like baby food, man. And they loved it.

Don't get me wrong. I love my babies very much.

It's just that it's so hard. If you think it's hard now, wait until these

children get older. Yes, then you'll belong to a new club.

It's called My Baby for Teenagers and I Wish My Life Was Over Club.

Please don't remind me, Anna. I'm still in that club.

Of course, Anna and I are in the best club.

It's called They're Out of the House and I'm Only Stuck with My Husband Club.

Yeah.

But husbands can't surprise you now.

I remember once I'd had my fill of babies. You were three, Denise was one,

were all over the place, and I was climbing the wall.

Well, Cliff must have sensed that I was burnt out, so he took you girls off for

a long weekend.

Really? I don't remember. That's because you were too young, but I will never

forget it. It was the Memorial Day weekend of 1967, late in the day. Cliff

packed you two girls up in the station wagon, and off you went on a fishing

to Maine.

Wait a minute. He told you that? Uh -huh. Because it was around 8 o 'clock

Friday evening, Cliff showed up at my house with your daughters who were

their heads off.

He stopped by your house.

Stopped? He begged me to take the girls off his hands.

He did.

He said, Mom, I can't stop them from crying. Would you please just take them

a weekend? The girl spent the weekend with you? The whole weekend.

I would have called you, but Cliff told me that you were at a class reunion at

Hillman.

Cliff, darling, could you come into the kitchen, please?

Now?

Uh -oh.

There's the call to glory.

What is it, my little turtle dove?

Welcome into this den of evil women.

Yes.

Thank you. What is going on? I'm sitting around here talking, and I'm telling

everybody what a good husband and father you were. And I was telling Sandra

about that time you took her and Denise on a fishing trip. Yeah, I was just

telling your husband about that. The fishing trip Memorial Day? With the

Yeah, well, what Memorial Day are you all talking about?

The year was 1967, Cliff, and there's only one Memorial Day a year. Yes, I

there's only one Memorial Day. Everybody knows that. I mean, tell me something

that I don't know.

Well, why don't you tell Sandra about that? Now, you must remember, because

told me you had the girls laying out in the sun on the sea, and you caught the

fish and smashed them up so that the girls would have something to eat.

Yeah, well, I don't like to brag, dear. Cliff, why don't you tell Sandra how you

stopped by my house and dropped her off?

Mother, there are a lot of times when the children and I went places.

We were free spirits at the time.

Only one fishing trip. And you dropped those babies over at my house and

shamelessly went on your way fishing and lying.

Say to your mother about your wife's whereabouts class reunion indeed.

Yeah, but that was because she was crying all the time. I put her in the

the car and she started crying. She was hitting these high -pitched notes and I

didn't know if she was going to go higher. And then Denise started to not

so good.

And they just didn't know what to do. So I went by my mother's house, and she

said, what are you doing? And they said, oh, there's the beautiful children.

That's what you said. There's the beautiful children. And then you said to

leave these babies here, and why don't you just go fishing? Now, I wasn't

serious. As soon as I got it out of my mouth, you kissed me and darted out the

door on your way to the main.

Oh, after hearing this story, I think a lot more of Melvin.

At least he tells me the truth. Dad, you should be ashamed.

Well, can I take the dessert to the men?

No.

And get out, get out.

Get out faster.

Cliffy, what happened inside there?

Oh, the women are in there discussing the man's role in raising children, and

they wanted my expertise.

So, Cliff, you really straightened the women out. Hey, I was brutal.

I told them where to pick it up and where to lay it down.

That was a good thing we had you in there, Cliff.

Yeah, but you know what? What you're telling us doesn't sound anything like

we heard when we were standing by the door there listening.

You were standing by the door listening? We heard every word.

Elvin, may I see you in here, please?

Yes, Sandra.

Don't forget.

Take it.

Take it. Take it. Take it.

He's taking it.

The Cosby Show is taped before a studio audience.