Original subtitles

No.

What? Thank you.

Good espresso.

Oh, you call yourselves college men?

Hey, guys, what's going on? Denny. What's up, Den? Sit down.

Lou was just regaling us with a tale from art class.

Okay, this is right at the beginning. All right. Well, our teacher said we'd

doing some nature portraits, right? I figured we'd be doing some flowers or a

basket of fruit and watch this model wearing a bathrobe. Uh, guy or girl?

man, I wouldn't be telling this story if it was a guy.

All right, Lou, get to the bathrobe.

Did it come off? Hey, man, I wouldn't be telling this story if it didn't come

off.

Just think, I spent my morning studying the molecular structure of carbon. Yeah,

well, anyway, she untied the bathroom.

Hey, wait a minute, guys.

Justine just walked in here with some guy.

Oh, she's been in here with him a couple of times. She has?

Yeah. I think his name is Scott. I saw the two of them coming out of a movie

together last week. You did?

Yeah, I saw them in the library studying.

What? From the same book they were studying.

The guy has been hanging around my woman and no one tells me about it? Hey, man,

we figured you didn't want to hear that.

We thought the news would be painful to your male psyche. You guys are supposed

to be my friends.

You're supposed to let me know what's going on. Now, if I saw somebody running

around with one of your girlfriends, I'd run and tell you guys.

But I don't have a girlfriend.

And I already know my girl's going out with four other guys anyway.

Theo, don't jump to any conclusions. Maybe Justine isn't serious about it. I

don't know. He looks like he's throwing some pretty big points to me.

Yeah, looks that way to me, too.

You better go over there and put that fire out before the flames get higher.

I think I will. And then, right, the professor put the book on the table and

said, if any of you can write like this, then I want to sign up for your class.

Scott, you're telling such good stories. Excuse me.

Yes? I don't think you're supposed to be sitting there. I'm sorry. I thought

this table wasn't taken.

Scott, this is Theo.

Hey, Theo.

So I assume you know who I am.

Yes, you just said your name was Theo.

That's not who I am. That's just my name.

Who I am is Justine's boyfriend.

Justine, you didn't tell me you had a boyfriend.

Oh, you didn't?

Theo, you know we're free to date other people. That's the way you said you

wanted it.

Look, my friend.

There are about a million other women on this campus that you could be hitting

on. And I guess you wouldn't know because I've seen you hitting on quite a

yourself.

You have?

That's not the issue here.

Justine, do you want me to leave?

No.

Goodbye, pal.

What?

I said goodbye.

All right, fine.

Let's go.

Outside now.

fighting you. Oh, what's wrong? Are you scared?

Hey, man, let me tell you something. Stop it.

Nobody is going outside. Theo, I can't believe you. Me?

What about him, Justine? He won't even fight for your honor.

Maybe I prefer that in a man.

Scott, let's go someplace where the people aren't behaving like they're

animal pins.

Fine with me.

Theo, call me someday when you're acting your age.

So how'd it go?

The guy left, didn't he?

north came and hit me. Well, actually, it might have been for the west, but I

really can't tell because we don't have a weather vane. We have a bird feed. But

the birds aren't even there because they all went south.

Actually, they all didn't go south because I still see some of them around.

don't know what their problem is. But anyway, do you think it's going to snow?

Thank you.

Is Vanessa upstairs?

Oh, Vanessa will not be here until late, late tonight, hon.

Oh, why didn't you say so?

Well, give her a message for me. Tell her that I... I went to the library to

pick up that book on Edgar Allan Poe. You know, the one about the raven and

nevermore and evermore. Well, anyway, I wanted to do The Pit and the Pendulum,

but, you know, it's just too scary. I mean, scary movies are one thing because

you can always turn your face away, but when you're reading a book, you can't

turn your face away. You can turn the pages, but the words are always still

there. Anyway, you know, I think it really is going to snow anyway because

it snows, it's really wet and damp outside, and it's not right now. I wish

knew how to cross -country ski.

Thank you.

Do you remember what you're going to tell Vanessa?

You're going over to the restaurant to have some ribs with Edgar Allan Poe at

the place called the Pit and the Pendulum, and you'll be there until the

comes because it's wet and moist outside.

Yeah. Okay.

Bye -bye, honey. Bye -bye. I think I'm ready. How you doing that, Dr. Maloney?

How are you, sir?

It's Theo. We have to speak to him. Theo is upstairs doing his homework. I don't

want to interrupt him unless it's an emergency of some sort. It's of an

nature. All right, go ahead.

Say, Lou, you want to rest your hat? Sorry, this doesn't leave my head. What,

you have no top to your head?

I'm sorry, I lost my head.

Come in.

Theo, my friend, your problems are behind you.

Who's the one man you want to get rid of, but you can't?

Scott. Yeah, the guy who's stealing your girlfriend.

Well, we know how to get rid of him. Read this ad in the West End News.

Uh, Dr. Lotus, licensed practitioner of the spiritual sciences, cures illness,

infudes, makes unwanted people go away.

Results guaranteed.

27 years at the same location. You guys, this sounds like a voodoo doctor.

Theo, you're in a desperate situation.

You have to do something.

I have to concur that the situation is getting bleak. We were at the student

center and we spotted Scott and Justine sharing a waffle ice cream cone. And

they only had one spoon.

I forgot to do something about this guy.

Look, Dr. Loaded, do you really think you could do something?

Hey, my Aunt Ruth once knew a man who owed another man a lot of money and he

wouldn't pay him back.

So he went to a guy like Dr. Lotus, and the next day, the other guy grew a

donkey's tail and his ears tripled in size.

I mean, they were flapping against his shoulders and everything.

Someone definitely, definitely put the whammy on him.

So what do you say, Theo?

Are you going to see Dr. Lotus?

Howard, what do you think?

I've read about these things in anthropology, and I've seen

people who practice the occult. They seem confident about their powers.

So you think this stuff works?

Well, being a believer in empiricism, naturally I'm skeptical.

On the other hand, I don't want to say anything against these people for fear

I'll wake up one morning with my arms and legs reversed.

Hey, Mom and Dad. Hey, what's happening?

Let me ask you guys something.

Go ahead.

Okay, I was up here with the guys and we're working on a project about

unexplained phenomena.

Now, as a doctor, Dad, Have you ever seen something happen to someone that

couldn't explain?

Like what?

Like a guy growing a donkey tail and his ears growing so large they flop against

the shoulder.

No, I've never seen anything like that. But if you're talking about a growth

malady, generally these things can be medically explained.

But have you ever witnessed something that you just cannot explain medically?

There was a friend of my grandmother's who was at the house. I was in high

school playing football.

I had a blow that was struck to this muscle here. I could not run and I

could not play. The game was the next day.

The woman looked at me and said, go upstairs, bring down the camphorated

the sock you're going to wear.

and a copper penny.

I brought it down.

She poured the camphorated oil over the sock, did a swipe like that, put the

penny on it, wrapped the sock around it. So I went to sleep, and the pain was

gone.

Camphorated oil and a penny.

Theo, I knew this woman named Mrs. Minerva. Yes, yes, yes.

Now, Mrs. Minerva's husband was dead.

So she used to tip around the graveyard in her slippers so she wouldn't wake up

the people she didn't know.

Every night, Mrs. Minerva could be found tipping around the graveyard in her

slippers thinking, Albert!

Albert!

It's me, Clara!

Now, I don't know why, but at that very moment, the wind would start

to blow.

Well, did Albert ever come back?

No, because he was dead.

And the other thing was, if you looked at her, everybody said you would get a

stye on your eye. I got a stye on my eye once.

From looking at her? Well, the doctor said it was because I had dirt in my

but I knew.

I bet you at one time you saw her maybe in the market and didn't know you were

looking at her. That's right.

The only thing she hated was you could not roller skate past her house.

that? That's right. And Ronald Brown, remember Ronald Brown? I said to Ronald,

don't go past there, Ronald. And Ronald went roller skating past there. And

Ronald could skate. And don't you know, as soon as he hit where her house was,

bam, he hit the ground.

And we said, uh -huh, she's got you. So that's the thing.

down here and ask us something, and that's why these children don't learn

anything.

Now,

Mrs.

Clark, if you do what I say, your husband will come back to you within six

months. I guarantee my results, or you'll get your money back.

I've been at this location for 27 years.

So I'm not going anywhere.

And no one asked me to.

Goodbye.

Come in.

Dr. Lotus?

Yes, I'm Dr. Lotus.

Do you gentlemen seek my assistance?

I do.

We're just as friends.

Oh, well.

Make yourselves comfortable. Don't touch that.

Yes, sir.

No problem. Just be careful.

There are many powerful objects in here.

I see that.

What's this?

Oh, money elixir.

Say you need money.

You sprinkle this on the shoes of the man you want money from, and he will

it to you.

Wait, wait, wait.

Does this actually work?

I have documented proof, if you'd like.

Don't need it.

Hey, Doc, what's this?

Locator powder.

If you lose something, you sprinkle this on the spot where you usually keep it,

and within two weeks you will find it. I sell a lot of this to old people who

can't find their glasses.

What does this do?

This is the stand I put the powder on.

So, young man, what can I do to help you?

I have a problem.

Of what nature?

Love? Legal?

Money? Do you have a disease?

Oh, no, no, no. I don't have a disease.

But this guy, Scott, he's trying to bird dog my girlfriend.

You know, move in on her.

You see, we want you to take care of this guy.

So what do you want me to do to the gentleman?

Well, get him, you know, make his arms turn into lobster claws.

That would be good.

Then maybe you could make a tree grow out of his neck.

Yeah, and then make his hair catch on fire.

So you'd like something painful.

That's right.

Perhaps even copious amounts of blood.

All right.

Sorry, son, I don't hurt people.

Really? You should have said that in the ad.

So, uh, how are you going to help Theo?

Well, I don't have to harm the gentleman.

It seems to me...

What is required here is something to make Scott go away.

What do you mean, go away?

I mean send him to another state.

Perhaps even another country.

You can really do that?

Most certainly. I have documented proof.

How do you do it? I take this chicken foot and cover it with vinegar.

Then I write Scott's name backwards on sheet parchment.

I burn the sheet.

parchment and sprinkle the ashes over the chicken foot.

And Scott will go away and he will know why.

Perfect. And the cost of this service is $800.

$800? That's the cost.

I guarantee my result so you'll get your money back. I've been at this location

for 27 years.

So I'm not going anywhere.

And no one's asked me to.

$800 is a little higher than I expected.

Well, you can shop around for a better price, but I know you'll be back.

Theo, I know how you can get the money.

Dr. Lotus, what about the money, Alexa? The stuff you sprinkle on the people's

shoes to get the money? How much does that cost?

$250.

$250 for the money elixir, $800 to make Scott go away. This spiritual stuff is

expensive. You're looking at 27 years experience, same location.

I'm not going anywhere. And no one's asked me to.

Well, I don't have $800.

What do you think you could do to Scott for $25?

$25. I could give him a runny nose.

Hey dad.

Hey.

I need to ask you a question, dad.

Talk to me, my son.

Now I don't usually come to you for money, but this one is important.

How much?

I need $800.

What for?

I just need it. How long have you known me?

What I'm saying is, when have you known me to just shell out $800 for something

that I know nothing about, just give you $800?

So you're not going to give it to me?

Absolutely not.

I understand if you don't want to give me $800, but I can get what I need for

just $250.

No.

But, Dad, come on, I need the money, please.

Oh, I mean, I want you to tell me.

What this is all about? What is it for?

I can't tell you what it's for.

What do you mean you can't tell me what it's for? You want $250, right?

Okay, is it for a surprise birthday party? No, it can't be, because you

spend that much on me.

I want a guy to go away.

You want to buy an airplane ticket for somebody?

No, you see, there's this guy who's after Justine.

Now, Dad,

They've been to the cafe together.

They've been to the library together, studied from the same book.

They've been to the movies together, and I don't want him around.

So you can buy the guy off?

No, but for $800, Dr.

Lotus can make sure he goes away.

Dr. Lotus?

Dr. Lotus is a specialist in spiritual sciences.

Now for $800, he'll take a chicken's foot, pour some vinegar on it.

Sprinkle some burnt stuff all over it, and Scott will go away from Justine.

Better yet, he won't even know why.

I know exactly what you're talking about.

I was dating your mother.

There was a guy who kept hitting on your mother.

I went to the guy and I said, look, man, leave her alone.

I'm dating her.

We are serious.

The guy said, this is the free world. I can do what I want. I said, you can do

what you want, but you won't be able to see.

And so I told my great -grandfather about it. My great -grandfather took me

the kitchen, just like we're in now. Now, I'm telling you, what he did

Now, you want to try it? Sure. Okay. Now, pay attention.

Here we go. And these things are very, very simple.

They're all right here, and it's going to work.

I'm telling you.

And I did exactly what my grandfather said.

And the guy... Bingo!

Success. Take your coat off.

Okay. Make sure this is going to work for me. Am I not married to your mother?

Just put your hands out like this.

Now this is exactly...

exactly the way it happened.

go now. Just fold them and put them together because I got to read these.

Yeah, this is it. Is it working? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Is it working? Okay, now

it up, open it up, open it up, open it up. There you go. Now try to just hold

them like that.

Now, oh, I'm reading them.

Reading the beans.

Ah, yeah.

All right, now put your face right over the bowl.

Face right over the bowl. There you go.

Now, hold still.

Is this working? It's working.

The beans, I'm trying to read them.

The beans say, you must say the following.

Three times.

I will pay more attention to my woman.

I will pay more attention to my woman.

I will pay more attention to my woman.

I will pay more attention.

Okay, Dad.

I got it.

Dad?

Okay, Dad.

Hi,

Justine. Yeah, this is Steele.

Do you mind if I come over and talk to you?

All right.

I need about a half an hour to clean up.

Bye.

The Cosby Show was taped before a studio audit.