Original subtitles

Well...

Would you send him in, please?

Mr. Palomino.

Yeah. How are you?

Make yourself comfortable, please.

Thank you, doctor.

People who take my message said you wanted to see me.

Yes. You're a baby doctor, ain't you? Yeah.

Well, no matter what any woman has told you, it wasn't me.

That isn't why I asked you to come down here. Do you know a Luisa Sanchez?

Luisa Sanchez?

She says that she's your granddaughter.

Yeah.

Yeah, but I haven't seen her since she was a little thing. Okay, okay.

See, me and my family, well, we haven't been in touch with each other for a long

time. I was a professional boxer.

Yes.

Ray Palomino?

I never fought under my own name, Doc.

When I got into boxing, Kid Chocolate had been used already.

Yeah. That name. The name. So I became Kid Caramel.

I lost 12 straight fights under that name.

Then I went down to Cuba, fought down there for a while.

I fought under the name of Kid Jalapeno.

But you didn't call me up here to talk about boxes, did you? No, I wanted to

you know that your granddaughter, Louisa, is having a baby.

I didn't even know she was married. Well, she isn't. See, you can have a

and not be married.

Where's the father? He's gone.

Dead? No, just let out, disappeared.

And we don't know where the rest of the family is, and you're the only one who

responded, so...

I'm pretty sure that she will deliver tonight.

Let me get this straight.

The husband has disappeared.

Right. And you tried to find some members of the family, and I'm the only

you could come up with? Right.

You know something?

You're trying to set me up.

Well, as many times as you've been knocked out, I'm sure you can recognize

center.

Louisa is alone and frightened.

I can see that. And I'm just hoping that you can give her some support.

Me? A baby?

Do I look like I'm in the baby business to you?

I am 67 years old. Do you understand me? 67 years old. I live in a one -room

apartment. Five flights up. You walk up them five flights. There ain't no

elevator. I can't carry no baby up no five flights. I sometimes have a problem

making it myself.

Mr. Palomino, you're jumping the gun.

No, no, no, I ain't jumping nothing.

And don't call me no mister.

I don't understand you, man. Man brings me into his office and lays a baby on

me. You can't go around dropping bombs on people's heads like that.

Got me so nervous, man, I'm liable to do myself a personal injury here.

You got something to drink?

Yeah, there's some coffee or cream of sugar.

I want scotch.

No sugar.

Scotch and water.

No, I don't keep liquor down here.

Then give me a shot.

Or give me a pill. You, a doctor, calm me down.

Hey,

I'm a baby.

Are you finished?

Yeah, I'm finished. Go ahead.

Now, do me a favor. What? This number that we reached you at.

Yeah. Yes. Now, is this where you live?

No, that's Clancy's jail. They just take my messages. Write down for me your

home address and phone number so I can reach you. No, no, no. You write it

You can understand your own writing.

All right.

It's 3412.

Uh -huh.

36th Street. Go ahead.

Astoria. The telephone number is 555 -7298. Okay.

Thank you.

Very, very much. Now, all I'm saying is that it would be nice if you could come

to the hospital because I'm pretty sure she's going to deliver tonight.

Well, I'll try it then. Okay. Thank you. Thank you.

Tonight. Tonight.

Sometime tonight.

You're ready, right?

I'm ready. She's fired up. She's fired up.

All right.

Fired up.

Oh, Nurse Gilmore, may I go in now? Yes.

Thank you. Oh, and incidentally, thank you for being so kind to my

granddaughter. You're welcome.

I got somebody to come to see you.

Wait, wait.

I know what you're thinking.

You're saying to yourself, she don't look nothing like me.

I never said... But she does look like her grandmother.

And she is beautiful.

And you better know what you're doing, Doc.

You didn't just get out of medical school, did you?

Well, I have one more year to go.

I'll put these over there.

I'm Marie Palomino.

Grandfather.

Yes. And you look just like your grandmother.

You're beautiful

You

okay,

I ain't seen no member of my family in 18 years and then there lies my

granddaughter

She's about to make me a great -grandfather.

Do you know if it's a boy or a girl? Tell me what you want, I'll get it for

Come on, you're joking.

Things have changed now.

All you have to do is you put in the order, we deliver.

What do you want?

A great -granddaughter.

You got it.

You know,

Chris,

there was a man who worked in our office once who acted a lot like that. He was

very defensive and nasty.

Was his last name Palomino?

Would you stop that? I'm trying to tell you something now.

If you gave him an order form to read, like... Like the pamphlets you tried to

give Mr. Palomino. He'd throw them right back at you and say, I don't need this.

And he would never write anything down.

After three months, we discovered what his problem was. He couldn't read or

write. Mr. Palomino came to see you today. He rang the front doorbell,

There's a sign outside that clearly says, doctor's office downstairs. The

cannot read.

No, no. He cannot read, Cliff, and I want you to just stop for a minute.

And think about how terrifying that would be if you had to raise a child and

couldn't read.

Suppose the child came to you with a book one day and said, read this to me.

You could never leave a note for the child. The child could never leave a

for you. I feel sorry for the man.

Okay, well, if he can't read it, why is he picking on me?

Well, that's easy.

Why? Because you're cute.

Why don't you stop it?

No, that man can read and write. He's just nasty, that's all.

I'll get it.

Mrs. Huxtable, we meet again.

Mr. Palomino, how nice to see you. Do come in. Thank you. Let me take your

and hat. Thank you very, very kindly.

May I say that is a stunning outfit.

Thank you.

You know, when I was in Paris many, many years ago, there was a little cafe in

Montmartre where all of the musicians, the artists, the models, they would

gather, all the really chic people of Paris.

Josephine Baker walked into that club.

May I say you in that outfit, Mrs. Huxtable, would have fit in exquisitely.

Thank you.

Did you come here to tell my wife she looks like Josephine Baker?

On the contrary, you asked me to do something. You said to see if I could

of any names of the family.

I made a list.

Aha.

So you wrote down a list.

I will give this to the social worker.

Thank you for writing this down for me, sir.

May I see that list, please?

Thank you.

Mr. Palomino, I have a problem with this third name. I just can't make out the

handwriting. Could you help me with that?

Oh, well, let me... My word, I seem to have forgotten my glasses.

Oh, well, now, it looks like it could be Tom Mitchell. Tom Mitchell? It is Tom

Mitchell, Louise's great -uncle.

Ah, are you spelling this Tom with one A or with two A's? That would be two.

Thank you.

Having done what I was asked to do, I take my leave of you both.

It is so nice to share your company again, Mrs. Huxtable.

And, Doctor, may I say that your wife is beautiful and charming.

You are indeed a lucky man.

Thank you. And I put the emphasis on lucky.

Oh, thank you, Mrs. Huxtable. How kind of you.

Thank you.

Till we meet again, perhaps in Paris.

Oh, my.

A titillette.

Case closed.

And I should have been in Paris.

Yeah. That man's been knocked out so many times, he wouldn't know if he was

Pittsburgh.

I am doing my homework.

But I said, hey!

Touch me again and you're on the floor.

But I have to talk to you.

What? Do you know that man, Mr.

Palomino, who came over here today? Mom said he can't read or write.

Really? He's 67 years old and he's gone through his whole life not knowing how

to read or write.

So, what do you think about that?

About what?

We're doing homework for no reason.

We can do fine without knowing how to read or write.

you can't stop reading now.

For the rest of your life, you'd read like a fourth grader.

So?

Well, let's say you're an adult, and you go to a restaurant where they hand you

a menu with a bunch of big, fancy words that a fourth grader wouldn't

understand. How would you order?

I'd point to someone at the next table and say, bring me what he's having.

What if you're the only person in the restaurant?

Then I'd just say, go get something that's dead and cook it.

so you'd be able to eat.

But you would never get a good job with just a fourth -grade education.

Yes, I would.

What job are you going to get?

I teach third grade.

Oh, Dr.

Huxtable, the social worker got back to us. They're unable to locate any of the

people on Mr. Palomino's list.

Most of them moved away 15 or 20 years ago. Well, we did what we could.

Oh, one other thing.

Mr. Palomino is here.

Now we got good news and bad news.

He showed up two hours ago, bless his heart. Oh, he is so nervous.

He told me that he wanted to be in the delivery room with Louisa.

Well, I told him that he would have to, you know, wait in the lounge. He wasn't

allowed in the delivery room.

He's been through a lot today.

Poor man.

I think somebody

would get in touch with him.

Let you know what's going on. I've been here for two hours, man. Somebody tell

me something.

Excuse me.

What? You're making me very nervous.

What do you mean I'm making you nervous?

Oh, the constant pacing, pacing, pacing. Knock it off.

Look, mister.

I am 67 years old, and I'm about to have a baby.

Wow. How old is the mother?

20. Did you say 20?

Yeah. My girlfriend is 63. I have to go every week for vitamin E shots.

What am I going to do with a baby?

How am I going to raise a baby?

Well, you should have thought of that before you started fooling around.

Do you realize that when that baby is four years old, you'll be 71?

And when it's 15, you'll be 82.

And when it's 32, you'll be 99.

I hope you're taking good care of yourself.

I'm 67 and I'm in pretty good shape.

Why don't you get involved with some women closer to your own age?

I am involved with women my own age. You are?

With that pregnant woman lying in there?

Oh, I'm shocked.

I am shocked. Who do you think you are, Ferdinand the Bull?

I don't want to discuss this any further.

Look, that's not my baby.

That's my granddaughter's baby.

Your granddaughter?

Yes. You're not the... No. It's not your baby?

Oh.

You're so silly.

I'm very embarrassed. Please forgive me.

Ferdinand the Bull.

Tell you the truth, you know. I was beginning to feel a little jealous of

You know? I mean, after all, I picked you there with the...

20 -year -old girl. It made me feel very inadequate.

You know what I mean?

I mean, my girlfriend is 63 years old.

And every time we try to get together, my back goes out.

Is that why you're in the hospital? I mean, you come to see a doctor?

No, no, no. I come here once a month to read all the magazines.

Well?

Great -grandfather.

It's a boy.

Seven pounds, eight ounces.

All right.

Congratulations.

Hey, but Doc, you promised me a girl.

Sue me.

How is my granddaughter? She's just fine. In about a half hour, you can come

back and see both of them. Oh, that's great. All right.

Congratulations. Thank you again. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

Wait a minute. I want to talk to you. No, it's okay. No, no. I want to talk to

you, man.

I told you once before, don't get pushy now. Let me say what I gotta say, all

right? All right.

I'm a lot smarter than you think I am, doctor.

See, you're an educated man, but I got sweet smarts. See, I know that you and

your wife found out I can't read.

Yeah.

But I'm 67 years old. Who cares?

I do not care.

It's no big thing with me. Look.

Hey, everybody.

My name is Ray Palomino. I'm 67 years old.

And I can't read.

See? It don't matter.

But I will say one last thing to you, Doc.

Thank you very much.

You're welcome.

In about a half hour, all right? All right. Come see both of them. Thank you.

Round three.

Great -grandfather.

Yeah, I can dig it.

Hey, Grandpa.

You really don't know how to read?

Not a word.

Oh, well, listen.

I used to be an English teacher.

I'm living on a pension now. That's why I can't afford to buy my own magazine.

I ain't never hung out with an English teacher before.

Well, I can teach you to read and write.

I tell you what, you teach me how to read English, and I'll teach you how to

pronounce it correctly.

Well, you got a deal.

All right.

Once more into the breach, dear friends, once more.

Oh, God, the worms, what a mockery.

Shall we go see my great -grandson? Okay. All right, here we go.

Oh, one last thing. Yeah. Do you spell Tom with... One A or two A's?

Oh, we got a lot of work to do.

It was wonderful.

First of all, Mr.

Palomino is the funniest person I've ever met. And one of the nicest.

First of all, he's a great -grandfather. Baby boy, seven pounds, eight ounces.

And he gave me a present.

Told you he was a charming man.

Yes, yes.

I haven't opened it. I waited until I got home, and he was telling me

how, uh...

What is this?

Try it on. No, there's batteries that go with this or something.

Try this on. Try it on.

Good evening.

My name is Mr.

Palomino.

And I was just wondering, do you spell Tom with four A's or two

Z's?

And you, Dr.

Huxtable.

And let me tell you something.

I want to go upstairs with you.

Would you like to go with me?

Yes.

Round three.

Hee hee hee Hee hee

The Cosby Show is taped before a studio audience.