Original subtitles

Thank you.

He's so cute.

Are all hamsters that cute? No, I think Darren's the cutest.

Can I hold him again?

Sure.

Climb, Darren, climb!

I can't take him out to play at my grandma's. Why not?

She has allergies.

Big red bumps that blotch out all over her face.

Oh, you little chubby little cute little thing.

Do you think I could leave Darren here until I get back tomorrow?

I don't think so. My dad doesn't like any animals in the house.

Does he blotch out?

No? Let me ask him. I can be very convincing.

Go ahead and try.

Calvin, it's five o 'clock. When is your... Where's that animal?

Where is it? Right here. I have it. All right.

All right. Uh, Dr. Huxel? Yes?

Can I ask you a question? Sure.

Why do you hate animals?

I don't hate animals. Who told you that I hate animals?

I'd rather not reveal my sources.

Dad, you never let us have animals.

I love animals. That's why I don't want them in this house.

Goldfish in this house float at the top of the bone.

Because children who live here, they keep feeding and feeding and feeding and

then I come home and I see the goldfish.

house. A dog just lays there after not being fed or anything for two days

and says, Dr. Huxtable, my kingdom for a bowl of water.

Dad, I was only a little kid then.

Can Darren spend the night? Yeah, Dad, it's only for one night.

Please, Dr.

Huxtable, Darren doesn't eat anything. He has food and water in his cage

already. He's chubby.

All by himself at my house.

Oh,

no, no. You guys are the worst.

Okay, okay.

24 hours. But after that, I'm shutting the doors on Huxtable Hamster Hotel.

What are you talking about?

I was just in Rudy's room and I saw the hamster.

You never let me have a pet.

And now you go behind my back and you do this.

Go behind your back?

I don't have to go behind your back to do something. If I want to do something,

I'll do it in front of your back.

That is not Rudy's pet.

She's hamster sitting.

Hey, what's up? How you doing?

afterwards when the hamster has to go back. And Rudy starts crying about how

much she misses it. You're gonna see her tears and you're gonna cave in.

Well, I have, you know, I have a fine reputation for not caving in.

Your sister Sandra wanted a pony. I did not cave in.

Denise wanted a monkey. I did not cave in.

You tried to get us to get a dog by using Rudy and saying she wanted one. I

not cave in. And I'm not caving in now.

So that...

made you so heartless toward animals?

Uh, Vanessa, I'll tell you later.

Now, what are you going to tell somebody later what?

Dad, I know what happened.

Grandpa told me all about the traumatic experience you had as a kid.

What traumatic experience?

See, Vanessa, that's called repression. We learned about it in psychology class.

Dad is blocking the memory of it because it was so horrible.

Your pet bird, Charlie?

Oh, Charlie.

Tell me.

Charlie.

See, Dad had this parakeet.

It was not a parakeet. It was a finch.

He used to open the cage and he'd fly out. He was just chirping all over the

place.

One day I came home and, uh...

I was getting ready to put on my sneakers and I sat down on the bed.

What happened?

I heard a chirp.

Sort of like a muffled chirp.

You killed Charlie?

No, I didn't kill Charlie.

I just sat on him.

And from that point on, I swear, whenever he would see me,

he wouldn't chirp.

I'd come down the hallway and I'd hear him chirp, chirp, chirping away.

And as soon as I'd come in and he'd look at me, he'd just stop chirping. And

then he would look at me like this.

All of these years you've been keeping that inside?

You shouldn't be torturing yourself like this. You're a good man.

You never sat on any of us.

Oh, boy.

Good night, Cliff.

Good night, my darling.

Cliff? Mm -hmm?

Your leg is crushing me.

Oh, yeah?

Well, 20 years ago, it wasn't crushing you.

20 years ago, your leg was a lot lighter.

Oh, yeah?

Well, 20 years ago, you were, uh, were...

were not as beautiful as you are.

Take your hands off me, woman.

Mommy! Daddy!

Come in, honey.

I think Darren's sick.

He is?

He won't run around on his wheel.

No, he's not sick, dear. He's smart. He knows that running around on that wheel

is not going anywhere.

And he sneezed. I heard him. What does a hamster sneeze sound like?

What are you talking about? I can't give that thing a check out. Yes, you can,

Cliff. What, do you want me to take him down to my office?

No, you can do it right here. Do it right here? Look after the hamster?

Okay, fine. All right, dear, let Dad take a look at it here.

Hold Dr.

Hamster Huxtable here.

Just put him right up there on the desk, and I'm sure that we can find something

about this good little furry thing here. All right, reach down and grab him.

Pull him out there.

Now, this is a friend of yours, is it, ma 'am? Mm -hmm. Take the cage down,

please. All right. What do you think is wrong with him?

All right. I think he's sick. He's sick. All right. Call!

What's the problem now? Let's see your teeth.

Say, aww.

Awww. All right. You hold on to him there.

Now, put him up here. Put him up here.

Heartbeat sounds strong. You check it out.

Heartbeat?

Sounds fine.

He seems to be okay.

I concur.

Good night, ma 'am. Good night.

Bye -bye. Thanks, Daddy.

You're welcome.

Thank you, Mommy. Good night, Judy. Good night, Darren.

Good night.

Darren, didn't I tell you this was a great place to stay?

Cliff, that was sweet of you to examine Darren like that.

Thank you. You are such a sensitive, good, and caring parent and a wonderful

human being.

Thank you.

Can I put my leg on you?

Okay,

that's...

What? No hamster sneeze.

But you couldn't hear a hamster sneeze if it was in this room. Don't tell me. I

know, I know. A hamster sneeze, when I hear a hamster sneeze. You see, you're

feeling guilty about what you did to Charlie.

What do you know about Charlie?

Honey, everybody in the world knows you sat on that bird.

that house around here for them.

I thought I heard Darren sneeze, and he does sound a little congested, honey.

He was breathing funny before, but I didn't want to bother you. Yeah, well,

you're not bothering me. I gave him a complete physical, didn't I?

What should we do?

First thing in the morning, we'll take him to the vet, okay?

He's sick.

I knew it.

Carolyn's gonna hate me.

Carolyn's not gonna hate you. You didn't make him sick, dear.

Can we take him to the vet now?

Well, dear, it's 3 o 'clock in the morning.

He's sick. He needs help.

Maybe we can find an all -night clinic somewhere. We'll take him. Okay?

But this is an emergency.

We should call an ambulance.

Yeah, I'll tell you what.

We'll put Darren in the car, and while I'm driving, you roll down the window,

you put your head out, and you say, Woo!

Woo! Woo!

Okay? Now, here we go. Move it.

Emergency. Let's go.

We have a sick hamster.

We? Oh, my daughter's in the ladies' room. She'll be out shortly.

All right. Your name, please?

Dr. Cliff Huxtable. All right. And your pet's name?

It's Darren, but it's not our pet. He's just a guest staying at the house, and

he got sick, but we didn't do anything to him. Oh, okay. I'll just put down

Darren the hamster. Darren the hamster. Is this an emergency?

It's four o 'clock in the morning.

It's an emergency.

Take a seat, Doctor. Yes, I will.

What's the matter with the dog?

He's depressed.

Before he could do many, many tricks.

Stand up, Sparky. Stand up, boy. He used to do it.

You see? He used to do that on his own, like this. Just like that, on his own.

Now, come down now. Come down. That's a good boy.

Jump off. Now, he's afraid of heights.

Down, down, down.

He's a good boy. Now, the front legs, back legs, down.

Jump off, Sparky. Jump off.

Down, down, down. That's a good boy. Mr.

Irondale. Good boy.

How's Sparky feeling?

Oh, doctor, he's still very, very depressed.

Come with me, Mr.

Irondale.

How's Darren?

Oh, Darren is just fine.

Thanks, I'm fine.

Is it all right if I pet your sea lion?

Oh, no, you better not. He hasn't slept for two days and he's a bit cranky.

But maybe later.

Okay. Keep well. Stay healthy.

Let's check your breathing, Darren.

There's definitely congestion.

Uh -huh. I heard him sneeze.

Let's check Darren's throat.

His glands are swollen, sweetheart.

Doctor, she's running a fever. She?

Yes, she, all right.

What I'm concerned about here, Doctor, is the possibility of pneumonia,

bronchitis, possibly heart failure. Uh -oh. We can't be certain with that x

-ray. X -ray? Hamster X -rays?

Yeah, we do a two -part series.

Really? Abdomen to back and side to side.

Wow. The cost is $55.

$55?

Well, cost isn't the issue.

Is that in addition to the $33 for the office visit?

Daddy, I'll pay for it at my allowance.

What was that?

That's an elephant.

We had a circus passing through here, and she went into labor, so they brought

her to us.

They're delivering a baby elephant?

Out in the parking lot. May I go see that, please?

Please. Would you stay here, dear?

Oh, boy.

Will Darren be all right?

Well, Rudy, Darren is sick, and we're going to do everything we can to look

after her. So let's get her ready for X -ray, huh?

You see, the mother was out and the thing was the boy.

And it was 192 pounds.

Now you wait till I tell your mom about that. She thought you were something.

How's Darren?

Dead.

Died while we were waiting for his $55 kiss.

Poor Rudy, she must be devastated.

It's all my fault.

Now, don't you start. Don't you be silly now. You did everything you could. I

think I could have taken him to the vet earlier.

Oh, honey, you didn't know.

What do you mean I didn't know? I'm a doctor, dear. You're an obstetrician.

Obstetrician. Let me tell you what I saw.

An elephant delivered a baby out there.

Oh, wait, Claire.

192 pounds.

I know you wouldn't have done that.

Wait a minute, Cliff. The x -ray plus...

$65?

Yes, indeed.

And I also spent $17 .50 on Darren number two. You are going to buy another

hamster and try to pass it off to Carolyn as Darren? That's exactly what I

to do.

Now, tell me about this elephant.

First of all, the father wasn't there.

And from the way she sounded, I know why.

Slow down. Don't go so fast. You're going to get tired.

Dad, this hamster is great.

Healthy and loves to play.

Right. Do you think it looks like Darren?

Okay. Rudy, darling.

Carolyn, darling.

Hi, Dr. Axelbald. Hi, Carolyn. How was your trip?

Not too bad.

Grandma says I could bring Darren next time.

Hmm.

Hmm. That's not Darren.

I beg your pardon?

Oh, no.

Don't tell me Darren died and you bought me a new one.

Darren got really sick last night.

We... Took Darren to the vet. We did everything we could, but he didn't make

This is the fifth time I look at my hamster with somebody and it died.

You had five hamsters die.

Yeah, and you did what all the other people did. Bought me a new hamster and

tried to fake me out.

Carolyn, why didn't you say something to us?

Well, what was I supposed to say?

What you were supposed to say to us.

that every time I leave a hamster, it dies. So don't buy me a new one.

Are you sad?

I can handle it.

Every living thing has to go sometime.

That's how nature works.

Well, that's a very, very mature way to look at it.

When people keep killing their hamsters, you grow up pretty fast.

Nothing. Hey, son. Hey.

When I heard about the hamster, I thought that maybe you had a kind of

heart, seeing as how another little animal in your care fell in harm's way.

Yeah, well, look, you have to stop telling everybody about Charlie.

Son, you sat on the bird.

Yeah, okay.

I mean, it's about time you faced up to it. I have no problem facing up to it. I

sat on the bird. I sat on the bird. I sat on the bird. But I also noticed that

the bird... He had a little chip on his beak, too.

And that's not my fault. He didn't look like that after I sat on him, because I

looked at him good. Now, there's a reason why that bird had a cracked beak.

Why? You see, one day, Charlie went down into the basement and, I guess, decided

to take a nap in a pile of laundry.

Now, your mother didn't see him, and she put the whole pile of laundry into the

washing machine.

Mom washed Charlie?

It's only for a couple of minutes, and your mama heard... Uh

-huh. So she pulled him out just in the nick of time.

So that's how he chipped his beak.

No, you see, your mother wanted to revive Charlie, so she gave him an

full of brandy. And after he got that, that bird started flying willy -nilly

around the room and crashed into the wall.

That's what chipped his beak.

Now that I think about it, whenever he saw Mom, he just went the other way.

And he gave her the same look that he gave me.

So, I brought you something here for you.

I was looking through the family album, and I found this. It's a picture of you

and Charlie. Will you look at this?

Am I looking strong in this knicker suit? Huh?

Yes, indeed.

With the socks falling down.

And look at Charlie.

Yeah, this is before the sitting.

Oh, thank you, Dad.

You know, son, I think I'd better go upstairs and talk to Rudy.

She could use some consoling now, too. Yeah.

Oh, Charlie.

Chip, chip, chip, chip, chip.

Well, you're dead now, though.

As the show is taped before a studio audience.