Original subtitles

Thank

you.

Do -do -do -do -do -do -do.

Do -do -do -do -do -do.

Uh, no, Denise isn't here yet. Her plane gets in at 6 .30.

Would you like to leave a message?

Okay.

I will tell my daughter that the big K called. Yes, sir.

Do you spell that K -A -Y or just K?

All right.

Yes, Denise's mother, the big M, will tell her daughter, the little D, that

called, Mr. K.

Oh, ciao, babe, to you, too.

Hey. Oh, Cliff.

Yes, yes.

Tulips, Denise's favorite flower.

Well, listen, my daughter coming home, spending a little time with us, bought

some flowers, my college daughter.

That's very sweet of you. Yes, and guess what else?

Check it out.

Up in the attic,

Her old teddy bear, remember?

I found it and decided to have it professionally cleaned and groomed. She

going to love this, and I think I'm going to qualify for parent of the year.

You're going to have to get past me, Dr. Dead. I am not going to be outdone. For

homecoming dinner, Denise is having spaghetti with meatballs with beans and

franks on the side. Three different kinds of garlic bread.

Thank you.

pizza appetizers, and for dessert, sushi and french fries.

I see. Now then, I am ready for the Mother of the Century Award. Yes, you

May I have a little taste of it? Oh, no, sweetheart, because you see, this is

for Denise, and this is for you.

Oh,

no sign of Denise yet?

Nope. Oh, her taxi must have gotten caught in traffic.

Well, I sure wish she would hurry because I want to eat and then I'm going

take her down to Blue Note to see Clark Terry.

I thought we should go skate in Rockefeller Center. She likes that.

Are you kidding? We can do that and then we can catch the midnight show at the

Blue Note.

Except if we do all that, we won't be home before two in the morning.

Hey, if you're going to be parent of the century, then you better learn how to

hang out.

Partay!

Hello. Hi. Hi. We're friends with Denise.

Oh, yes.

You went to high school together.

That's right. Oh, come in. Have a seat.

Thanks. Denise told us you made her here at 6 .30. Really?

Well, as soon as Denise gets here, the family was going to sit down and have

dinner. Well, don't worry about us. We've already eaten.

Uh -huh.

Close the door, please. Oh, hey, you know, I remember you guys from high

I was a sophomore when you were seniors.

Yeah. I look a lot different now, don't I?

Not really.

Come on, Dad, open the door.

Who are you?

I

flew

over to Holland and picked these for you.

Me, bargain, bargain. Guys, hold it!

It's going to take us forever to catch up while Denise is on that. I heard that

Colette and Grace are going to be at the Sioux Chow Gardens tonight. Let's go

meet them later.

I haven't been there since high school.

Sioux Chow Gardens. I've been dreaming about that place. Let's go now.

Oh, Denise, wait. I made a big dinner for us to have here.

Spaghetti, meatballs, beans, and franks.

Oh, you did. I didn't know, Mom.

Okay, you guys are going to have to count me out.

Oh, I know. That would have been so much fun.

Denise, I could always save you some spaghetti sauce. Honey, why don't you go

with your friends, have a good time? Is it all right with you?

Yeah, more sauce for me. Well, not for me. I'm having a big salad myself.

But anyway, look, tomorrow night is family night, all right? You don't spend

time with us. Absolutely.

Yeah. I'm going back out. Great.

Hey, how did everybody do on their midterms?

No, Denise is not up yet.

Alright, Rick, you are number 18.

Alright, here you go, and your number?

Fine. Thank you very much, Rick. Take care of yourself.

What?! This is Denise's answering service, okay?

I'm a father, okay?

So don't wait for the beat. Now you got something to say?

Goodness gracious.

Let's see, Steve. You were the fourth person to call. Then you were the fifth

person to call. Then you were the eleventh person to call. Then you were

fourteenth person to call, Steve.

And now you are number nineteen, Steve.

But I like you a lot, Steve. You know why? Because you are polite, man. You

yes, sir, no, sir. And you seem to be smiling on the phone. Huh?

You're calling from Florida?

All these times you call?

From... Were you in Florida every time?

Really? What school are you in?

Medical school?

Oh, podiatrist?

Ooh.

Just stay right there, Steve. I'm going up and wake up for you, all right?

All right, now, if I hurt myself, you take care of my feet for free?

Bless you, Steve. I'm going now.

Oh, my man, Steve.

Hey!

Denise? Denise?

Denise?

It is?

Yes. Will you wake me up at 3 .30, please?

No, because there's nice young fellas on the phone called all the way from

Florida. Oh, it's not Steve, is it? The one and only.

Daddy, tell him I'm not here.

No, I told him you were.

Come on, Dad, say anything.

Just get rid of him.

No, this is my friend Steve.

Dad, you don't understand what Steve is like. No woman at home is safe with him.

Guy's a motor mouth.

Motor mouth?

Yeah, if he goes out with you, no matter what happens, he tells everyone he

scored. Oh, well, then my man Steve has moved from number 19 to zero.

Hi, honey.

Get up. Yeah. We've been waiting for you all day.

Yes, we're going shopping. I'm going to this party tonight, and I need a new

dress, and I want you to help me pick it out. Oh, sounds like fun.

Give me a few minutes to get ready.

Shoot, I can't go. My friends made plans for me. What plans?

Well, they rented out this pizza parlor in the village.

A little welcome home party for me. They even hired a band.

Ooh, outrageous.

Yeah. Well, so, honey, go with your friends and have fun. We could pick out

dress by ourselves. Are you sure?

Sure. No problem.

Okay. Vanessa, I promise I'll be back in time to help you get ready, okay? Okay.

I'd love that. Okay.

Okay. Have fun. You too.

Hey, man. Steve is taken care of. I just moved his motor mouth to neutral.

Thank you. Yeah.

Now, who is Sam?

Sam. When I woke you up over there, you said, Oh, Sam. And I want to know why

Sam is able to get in the bed and wake you up.

I don't know, Dad. Sam's just a friend.

Yeah, well, how friendly a friend.

Dad.

Hey, I'll make sure for Samantha, okay?

It's a girl in my dorm.

Well, I want to see a picture of Sam.

going to check for you, and I'm not taking any messages.

I don't know where she is.

Oh, wait a minute, Larry.

She just... No, she's... You know, some of my children

look so much alike that I thought I was Denise, you know, but it really isn't

Denise. So, you want to get... Okay, I'll take a message.

I don't know when she'll be back, huh?

She's not coming back anymore. I just remembered.

She's... Well, no, you know what? I think she may have gone off to get

in Iceland. A fellow came by.

Well, if she comes... Okay, where are you?

You're with David, and you guys are at the Melrose restaurant. All right, well,

I'll tell you... Wait, she just got divorced, Larry.

Hi.

Sometimes my dad is just such a kidder.

Look,

I can't make dinner tonight. No, I'm going to spend the day with my family.

Yeah.

How about brunch tomorrow?

Okay, tell David I said hi.

Tomorrow 11.

Okay, bye -bye.

I cannot believe that you're going to give up an evening with David to spend

evening with Daddy.

I told all my friends that I haven't spent any time with my family.

Yes, yes, good, good.

So they're all going to come over here tonight.

Well, that's all right with me.

That's all right with me. We're going to watch videos, and your mom can join us

if you want. Hey, man, I'll take anything.

Yeah? Oh, yes, yes, indeed. What if one of the movies is a cowboy movie?

Could it be Six Guns to Glory starring Colt Kirby?

Definitely.

I'll tell you what. You make out a list of the videos you and your friends want

to watch, and I'll go get them. Okay, I'll do it right now. All right.

Oh, there's six guys. It's a glory.

Colt Kirby, you know, it's nice to have you home.

Colt Kirby said, throw down that box.

I said, throw down...

Hello, Daddy.

What's the matter? You're not going to the party in that dress.

Because it's not a whole dress.

Sure it is, Dad. This is the way I bought it. You did not buy that dress

way. You took that dress and then went upstairs and did some tailoring to it.

Dad, I didn't. You can ask Mom.

Ask Mom?

Your mother wouldn't even let you try on a dress like that, let alone buy one.

Dad, I'm telling you, just ask her.

I'm going to catch you in the lie now, Sporty.

Claire!

Are you? I'm not going to say a thing. When your mother sees it, that's it.

There it is right there.

Oh, she's beautiful, isn't she?

Denise helped her with her hair.

I'm not talking about her hair. I'm talking about the dress, dear.

Yeah, isn't it fabulous?

No, no, no. As soon as we saw that dress in the store, I knew it was perfect for

this party.

Dear, the dress doesn't have any straps.

So? Okay, obviously some people around have lost their mind. You see, there's

nothing around here. Now, this child will start to do one of these dances,

this dress is not going to hold her.

Yeah. No, I'm very, very serious. She starts bobbing up and down, and I don't

think that this dress will contain her abilities.

Please. No, I'm serious.

Jump up and down.

No, I'm serious. Jump up and down. Oh, come on. I'll just stop it now. No, I'm

serious. Jump up and down. Come on. Here.

Claire. Please.

Jump up and down.

Jump up and down, Vanessa. That's right.

Okay. How high?

This high. Just jump up and down like this. I'll be satisfied.

Okay, now, you know, do it. Come on. Come on. Come on. No, no, no. You know

you all dance. You all like they do on TV. Come on.

Just wait one second. Now bend over and touch your toes. Now that is enough.

Vanessa, get your show. Come on. Thank you, Mom. Well, do me one favor now.

You stay there until she's had at least three of those thing dances.

I will.

And if anything falls out, you put it back in there and bring her right home.

Hi, everybody.

Hi, Pete. I would like you to meet my friend, Gwen.

Hi. Hi.

She's just dropping me off, but I told her she had to come in and meet my big

sis. Is my little brother behaving himself? Of course.

Theo's a gentleman.

Well, I gotta get going.

Theo, I'll see you tomorrow night. You got it.

See you later, Gwen.

So you didn't give Gwen your cold, did you? No, I didn't, Denise.

Well, little brother, you must have some wicked mood.

to have a good -looking girl like that driving you around.

He plays with the gas.

Oh, the girl like Gwen. You don't run out of gas.

Denise, can I see you in the kitchen for a second?

Sure.

Now.

What's the matter?

Denise, I'm hurt.

What? What he said out there to me was insulting and demeaning.

What are you talking about? I was just joking. You know, a little teasing from

your sis.

Yeah, but I don't like it. What do you expect when I come home from college and

my brother walks in with this love goddess?

Love goddess?

Come on, she's gorgeous.

Denise, I'll have you know I am not going out with Gwen because of her

Oh, you're not?

No, I'm attracted to her inner beauty.

She happens to be an outstanding human being and very intelligent.

You know, she's going to major in physics at Duke.

Well, I'm impressed, but...

Physics aside, Theo, you've got to admit, she is good -looking.

So what?

I mean, can I be involved in a relationship that's based on mutual

emotional maturity?

You see, that's what I have with Gwen. We care for each other as people.

I'm sorry.

Okay, I'm sorry if I hurt your feelings. I guess I was just talking to you like

you were the old Theo I used to know.

Well, maybe I've changed since you've been gone.

I guess you have.

But come on, tell me the truth. There's got to be an ounce of you that's just

slightly physically attracted to her.

Well, a little bit. But I try not to let that part mess with my mind. Oh, good.

I'd like to meet someone with that attitude.

Well, I wish you luck, because there's not that many of us around.

I know.

Just let me stop it. Throw down that box. This was the first question that

ever said that line. Throw down that box.

Now, Stubbles McGee, he was the first cowboy to do what would be called

intellectual pictures. And he he did a line which was throw down that

trunk, if you will.

See, now, his movies were really, like, intellectual things, but Throw Down the

Box was some mean stuff. And that's another part, huh? Let's save the best

last, huh?

Okay, well, what do you want to watch now?

Let's watch Brains on the Table. Yeah.

Brains on... I don't understand Brains on the Table.

Davey Herbeck is a scream.

This is the funniest concert film I've ever seen.

He's very hip.

Davey Herbeck.

Mm -hmm. Mom!

That's Davey Herbert there. He's the screen. And you're going to be hip when

finish watching this.

It's the mechanical maniac himself, Dangerous Davey Herbert!

Thank you.

Thank you, androids.

Oh, I'm losing my mind!

Hey, engineers.

See what I have up here? It's my little toy train set.

Who wants to hear it go choo -choo?

The noise is destroying my brain cells.

Okay, Mr. Train, I'd like you to say hello to a good friend, Mr.

Sledgehammer.

I'm losing my mind. I'm losing my mind. I'm losing my mind.

back to the video store dad i'm losing my mind that's just the reason

why i'm taking him back to the video store don't you all have something else

better to do we're waiting for denise to come home yeah we've hardly seen her

all weekend well no one has really you know and she better be back here shortly

because her ride is coming in another five minutes hi everybody

He's just come through here. I don't know what it was, dear. The door opened,

and then it closed, and something was mumbling, and there was some hair flying

this way.

Oh, that's a shame.

It's almost time for her to leave. We didn't have a chance to sit down and

with her or anything.

Hey, what's wrong with Denise? She almost knocked me down in the hallway.

Her ride is coming in a minute. She's in a hurry. She was hardly at home.

I think that since she didn't have enough time to really visit with us,

should not have enough time to say goodbye to her.

Yeah. That's a good idea, Dan.

Come on, when Denise comes downstairs, no matter what she does, don't anybody

pay her any attention.

I'm going to meet Jamie outside to save some time.

Too busy.

Vanessa? Not now, Denise. Have a good hand.

Theo, come on.

Hey, Denise, I'll catch you next time around.

Mom, what's going on here?

Honey, please. I'm trying to balance my checkbook.

I'm going away to college.

So have a nice trip.

He's in the kitchen.

Dad!

Denise is leaving!

See you later, homie!

Mom, I'm your daughter, remember?

Come on, you guys, I'm your sister. I grew up in this house with you for 18

years.

I go away to college.

Months at a time.

How can you treat me like this? Honey, please, keep it down.

Oh, I know what's going on here. You guys are pulling a little trick on me,

right?

show is taped before a studio audience.