Original subtitles

Thank

you.

Thank you.

I've been on my feet for 18 hours.

I delivered so many babies. After a while, the babies I delivered started

babies.

I want you to feel sorry for me. Oh, I can't. I'm too tired.

You have to. You have to. You know, you haven't had a day off in three weeks.

22 days.

Poor you.

Hey, put the baby here.

No, now that's it. You should take some time off right away.

I will, but I still have some things to do. I got too much work.

Well, you don't have patients coming in the office. No, but what I'm saying is I

have paperwork to do.

Paperwork, dear. Oh, paperwork can take care of itself.

Oh, not really.

Are you on call at the hospital?

Yeah.

I got two days I have to serve. Oh. Go on. Get undressed.

Now, what about Dr. Daly?

Huh? Well, honey, doesn't he owe you some time from those days when you

for him?

Mm -hmm.

Well, then why don't you call him up and tell him to cover for you for the next

couple of days? And don't go in the office. I mean, don't do anything. Just

a mini vacation.

Then what am I going to do?

You're not going to do anything.

You're going to stay home and relax.

What are the children going to do?

I'll talk to the children.

Can I eat what I want?

Yes, all diets are off.

And I don't have to shave?

No. And I don't have to shower?

Well, now, you do have to shower.

But you could use my bubbles. You could take a bubble shower.

Really? Yes.

Yippee!

I'm on vacation.

Yes, and if you like, I could give you a bon voyage party.

Really?

I'll be the ocean liner and you'll be the tugboat?

Okay. Then we'll dock together.

Good

morning,

Theo. Hey, Vanessa, listen to this.

Five -bedroom, two -bathroom condo on the beach in Honolulu.

And it only goes for $249 ,000.

This is just what I'm looking for.

Right, Pio. You have $249 ,000 to buy a condo. No, not by myself.

You see, I formed a partnership with 23 other guys' schools. So we're going to

put together all the money we earn on a summer vacation and buy a fabulous place

to share.

You're going to share five rooms with 23 other guys?

Hey, these aren't just 23 other guys.

These are my 23 best friends.

Rudy, what is it? Well, Kenny told me a riddle yesterday, and I can't figure it

out. Wait a minute, Rudy. Why'd you go to Vanessa? How come you couldn't come

me with the riddle? Because Vanessa's smarter.

Thank you, Rudy.

So, what's the riddle? Okay, add two American coins that add up to 30 cents,

one of them is not a nickel.

How do you explain this? Okay.

Two American coins that add up to 30 cents, and one of them isn't a nickel.

Are you sure you got the riddle right?

That's what Kenny said.

Two coins add up to 30 cents. One is not a nickel.

Two American coins add up to 30 cents, and one of them is not a nickel.

Rudy, it just can't be.

Kenny must be trying to trick you.

Oh, of course.

I just figured it out.

Oh, stop it, Theo. You did not.

Well, maybe you'd like to make a bet on whether or not I know the answer?

What do you want to bet?

If I know the answer, you and Rudy can make my bed tomorrow morning.

Hey, if you know the answer, I'll make up your bet for a week. Me too.

You're on.

Now the question is, how can two coins add up to 30 cents when one of them is

not a nickel?

You have a quarter, have a nickel.

30 cents.

Wait a minute.

This is a nickel. Right. The riddle said one of them is not a nickel.

This is a quarter. This is not a nickel.

He cheated us on a bet. Yeah, he cheated us back.

Dad, don't listen to him. They lost and now they're whining.

We are not whining.

I have an announcement to make.

I'm on vacation in this house for the next two days. Yeah, Mom told us. Go to

school today, find a friend.

Say to your friend, may I stay with you for two days?

Okay? And if they say no, offer them money.

Intoxable. You'll never guess who's in the reception area waiting to see you.

Who? Diane Hemmings. You know, the reporter who interviews all those

on TV?

Oh, great.

Send her in. Is she doing a story on you? No, she's just a good friend.

I love Diane Hemmings. I watch her all the time.

Would you like for me to get her autograph for you? I already did.

Hi,

Diane.

Your secretary told me you have a client coming in, so I'll only stay a minute.

Oh, but I'm so glad you came. I saw that interview you did with Paul Newman. Oh,

yeah. It was an interesting day.

Have you lost your senses? The man takes you in a ride in one of his race cars,

and all you can say is it was an interesting day?

I'm sorry, Claire. I'm really not feeling too enthusiastic right now.

I'm sorry. Have a seat.

What's the matter?

Well, Richard and I are having trouble.

He's accusing me of being unfaithful. Oh, silly man.

Does he have reason to believe this?

Well, I love Richard, and I'm sure that he loves me.

Well, then where is he getting these ideas from?

Well, when I go off on these trips to interview celebrities, it gets him

What do you mean?

While I'm packing, he goes through my two takes, pulls out a dress and says,

are you taking this? You don't need a dress this sexy. Oh, but when he does

thing, he is... Seriously? Oh, very. And that's not all he does. When I'm on the

road, he calls my hotel room at three in the morning to see if I'm there. Then

he makes me hold the phone in the air so he can hear if there's anyone else in

the room breathing.

Get out.

Claire, I can't spend the rest of my life trying to convince Richard that I

him when he doesn't trust me. Have you asked him to see a marriage counselor?

Many times.

Did you come here for legal reasons?

Sort of.

I'm thinking of getting out.

Vacation? I'm on vacation.

Diane Hemmings came to the office to see you today.

Really? She came because she heard I was on vacation and she wanted to interview

a suave, handsome doctor.

No, she and Richard might be splitting up.

Oh, really? Yeah.

I told him to come by my office tomorrow so we could sit down and talk about it

as friends. What's the problem? The problem is that Richard is so insecure.

doesn't trust Diane interviewing famous celebrities.

Yeah, well, she does hang out with some good -looking guys.

Cliff, I can't believe you said that.

Can't believe I said what?

Well, you're saying that because a woman in her business comes in contact with

attractive men, her husband has the right to be suspicious.

No, I didn't say that the husband had a right to be suspicious.

Well, what did you say?

I'm saying that if a man had a very attractive wife,

such as I do, and this wife was known to have to

associate with some very handsome men, that these handsome men just might have

certain thing in mind. I'm saying he may think that they have that in mind.

And that she might not mind what they have in mind.

If I had a handsome movie star as a client, would you trust me?

Of course, dear.

If I went out to dinner with him and wore a sexy dress, would you trust me?

Well, first of all, I don't understand why you have to have a sexy dress.

I mean, I just don't understand the dress.

Okay, let's just say that the rest of the dresses are at the cleaners. Would

trust me? Of course I would trust you, dear. I trust you because I love you,

I always have, and I always will. What if I took a business trip with this man

and ended up staying at the handsome actor's house overnight?

Well, see, that's where you're wrong, because there's no reason for a lawyer

stay at the client's home.

Okay, let's say that the files that I have to study for the case are in this

handsome man's house, and so I have to go there and stay overnight in the sexy

dress. Would you trust me?

I'm on vacation.

Come on, please, answer the question. You would trust me, now, wouldn't you?

Of course I would trust you, dear.

Of course I would.

Thank you. You're welcome.

But let's just say that while you're out there with the sexy man and you're

going through his files, and I'm sitting here on vacation, and the

TV set breaks down, and the people send over a young, gorgeous lady

to fix the set. How young?

Oh, 19, firm and fully packed.

A child.

Yes. And let's say that I'm sitting here waiting for her to fix the set and she

says, Dr.

Huxtable, I'm sorry, but I cannot really fix this set unless I take all my

clothes off.

Would you trust me?

Honey, that couldn't happen. That's a new TV set. It's not going to break.

No, no. Same way that the man's files were all in his house and you didn't...

You didn't have a hotel to go to in that town that you were in. That's the same

way this woman took her clothes off. The same way that the TV set broke down.

And my question is, would you trust me?

There are children in this house.

Uh -uh. Children went to the all -night library.

No, see, the children would not go to an all -night library.

If I send them, they will.

first place i did not spend the night at a handsome movie star's house okay so

in the second place you can just forget about your little strumpet miss tv

repair person coming up into here with no clothes on not in my house in front

my tv and my children oh no and let the record show the

only person i'd ever wear a sexy dress for is you

thank you thank you very much dear and There will be no 19

-year -old coming in here fixing the TV set. And no 23 -year -old.

And no 32 -year -old.

And no 45 -year -old.

Oh,

Janet, that's a good one. Thanks.

I'll call you back and let you know how it turns out, okay?

Okay, bye.

Rudy. Janet just gave me a riddle that Theo will never guess.

We're going to win our bet back.

What's the riddle?

Okay, pay attention.

If a plane crashed right on the border between the United States and Canada,

where would you bury the survivors?

I don't know where.

Nowhere. You don't bury survivors.

Perfect.

I don't get it.

Moody, survivors are alive.

Oh, that's perfect.

Don't anybody go out into the living room. Dad's playing badminton.

Theo, how would you like to go double or nothing on our bet?

Why not?

Just means you'll have to make my bet for two weeks. And if you lose, we don't

have to make your bet at all.

Yeah, and you're going to lose, Jack.

Well, you two seem pretty confident, so take your best shot.

Okay, this is a riddle.

If a plane crashed right on the border between the United States and Canada, so

that half the plane landed in the United States,

the plane landed in Canada, where would you bury the survivor?

Let's see. The plane crashes halfway between Canada and the United States.

Right. What nationality is the pilot?

American. Where'd the luggage land?

Half in Canada, half in the United States.

Well, I think I got the answer.

What's the answer?

Well, I'd have to say that you would bury the survivors nowhere because you

can't bury survivors.

Fair face, Jack.

How did you get that?

Vanessa, that has got to be the oldest riddle in the book.

That's no fair. You heard it before.

Hey, hey, all that counts is that I got it right. And that I now have two weeks

of bed making by my own personal valets.

Oh, yeah, and ladies, I like my pillows extra fluffed.

Come in.

Mrs. Huxtable, Diane Hemmings is here and there's a man with her.

That's her husband.

Really? If you don't mind my saying so, they don't seem to be getting along very

well. I'm not surprised.

I guess it wouldn't be any of my business to ask what's wrong.

What do you think?

I guess not.

That's okay.

I'll just read about it in the gossip columns.

Mrs. and Mrs.

Hemmings, you can go in now.

Hi, Diane. Hello, Claire.

Hello, Claire. Hello, Richard. How are you?

Well, I'm all right. Come in and have a seat. Thank you. May I offer you tea?

Uh, no, thank you. Well, now, it's certainly good to see you.

You and I have always gotten along, Claire. And because this was your idea,

was willing to give it a shot.

Well, thank you.

Now, what is wrong with you two?

Well, I think it's pretty simple.

Diane goes on these trips. She's gone for three or four days. She's at these

exotic places with all kinds of glitzy people, and I'm home alone.

So you feel lonely?

Oh, no. I can handle being by myself. It's just that I miss Diane.

And when she comes home, she's so exhausted, she goes straight into the

and falls asleep.

Oh, that's not true, Richard.

I try to talk to you, but you just walk around sulking. Sulking? Now, wait. Wait

a minute. Richard, doesn't it occur to you that when Diane's away, she's

you, too?

No. No, I turn on the television and there she is with some movie star

and smiling. She doesn't look very unhappy to me.

I'm on television. It's an entertainment show.

How would it look if I was talking to Paul Newman and the camera cut back to

and I burst into tears?

At least it would look like she missed her husband.

You see, Claire, Richard doesn't understand what I do for a living. I

plenty. You hang around with people who are part of a fast crowd, who jump in

and out of each other's hot tubs and change wedding rings like most people

change shoes.

What are you baking this on? Come on, everybody knows about these people.

They do?

Yes. Like who?

Well, everybody I work with.

Who? Well, like...

Roy, he reads the Inquirer and the Globe, and he shows me these articles.

So Roy is your reliable source?

Yes. He showed me an article on that guy you interviewed last month, that guy on

the soap opera. Did you know that he once spent a weekend at his beach house

with the wives of three of his co -stars?

When Roy saw her on TV with this guy, I mean, he told everybody at the office

they teased me about it for a week.

Why do you think that I'd want to be with a man like that? Why? I can't offer

you half of what he has. He's got a beach house. He's got limousines, a

court. Look at him. He looks at least ten years younger than me.

That's because he spent over $20 ,000 on plastic surgery.

Really?

Roy never told me that.

Richard, I've known you a long time, and I've never seen you like this. You seem

so insecure.

What, I do?

Yes. You do.

Richard, our marriage is full of so many wonderful things. Why do you think that

I would want to jeopardize it all to be with another man?

I don't know.

I would be miserable without you. I'd be miserable without you, too. What do I

have to do to convince you that I love you? Because whatever it is, I'll do it.

I'll do whatever I can, too.

Will you go with me to talk to somebody?

Okay.

I think the first person you need to talk to is Roy.

Is it okay, hi -hi?

Is it okay, hi -hi?

Is it okay, hi -hi?

Dad,

you have got to hear this.

Oh, no, no, I'm still on vacation.

But it's 6 o 'clock.

Yeah, Dad, you said your vacation was going to be over at 6. No, no, no, no,

It is 5 .58 and some change. I still have a minute and 30 -some seconds left.

Now, just buzz.

Is it okay, hi -hi?

Hey,

how you doing, dear?

I'm fine.

I still have a minute and 12 seconds left on my vacation. Want to play some

shovel board? No.

Oh, come on. You can do something.

So how'd your meeting go today with Diane?

Oh, it was great.

I think she and Richard are going to work it out.

Well, good. And just for being a good person, you deserve a little treat.

why don't you go ahead and play with that?

Thank you.

Hi, Loki, hi, hi.

Hi, Loki, hi, hi.

Hi, Mom.

Hi. Dad, we called for the correct time, and it is now exactly 6 o 'clock. So

your vacation is over.

And now you can hear what we wanted to tell you.

Okay. What is it?

Well, we heard this riddle on this TV show this morning, so we told it to

He couldn't get it, and we won our bet back.

We faked him out good.

Congratulations. Nobody can get this one. Yeah.

Really? Just a minute now.

Just a minute now, because you all happen to be talking about the riddle

I mean, riddles go in, but they don't come out.

Well, if you're the riddle wizard, maybe you'd like to make a bet with Vanessa

and Rudy.

Yeah, Dad.

If you can't get the answer, you have to make our bets for two weeks.

That's no problem. And what do I get if I win?

A kiss. Oh, wonderful. No, no, please don't take my bubble thing.

Here goes.

A certain Mr.

Smith and his son Arthur were driving in a car.

Mr. Smith and his son Arthur driving in a car. The car crashes. Mr. Smith is

killed instantly, and his son Arthur is rushed to a local hospital.

The old surgeon says, I can't operate on him. He's my son Arthur.

Explain that.

Say it again.

Mr. Smith and his son, Arthur, were driving in a car. The car crashes and

Smith dies.

Arthur is rushed to a hospital and the old surgeon says, I can't operate on

He's my son, Arthur.

Good boy is adopted.

No, it was Mr.

Smith's real son.

Yeah,

the old surgeon.

was afraid of a lawsuit, so he lied and said that's his son.

Do you give up, Riddle Wizard?

I give up, I give up. Yeah, we went two weeks of having our beds made by Dad.

Okay, but wait, wait, wait. I like my pillows extra fluff.

Understood, but what is that?

So disappointed in you, Cliff. Here I am thinking that you believe men and women

are equal. And it never once crossed your mind that the old surgeon was

mother.

Yeah, but you know why?

You know why? No, I'm serious now. The reason why, because if you take a female

doctor and call her an old surgeon, she'll tear you apart, okay?

The Cosby Show is taped before a studio audience.