Original subtitles

Thank you.

Thank you.

I hate to disturb you, dear, but you left your calculus book on the kitchen

table. Oh, thanks, Mom.

Okay, I'll just put it on your desk.

I'm sorry. I'll get them.

Okay, thanks.

What is this?

Car and Woman magazine? What is this? Oh, hey, hey, Mom, Mom.

That's no big deal. I'll take that. If you don't mind, I'd like to have a look

at it first. Really?

Nothing that would interest you, just a bunch of cars in there. It seems to me

that there's a lot more than cars in here. On every page, there's some woman

draped on top of an automobile. This is obscene. No, Mom, it's not. All the

women are dressed.

What about the woman in the back seat of the convertible?

She has on a bikini.

I don't see any bikinis. No, Mom, it's there.

See, it's tiny, so when the car goes fast, it cuts down on the wind drag.

What are you doing with this magazine?

I like to read the articles.

Which articles were you reading?

Um, let's see.

Um, we'll go right here.

The one on the V8 engine.

Oh, this one with this woman, Tammy, leaning across the engine.

Oh, I didn't even see Tammy there.

Well, Precious, what's wrong with your eyesight?

How could you not see this woman who is hiding half the engine?

Phil, this magazine is demeaning to women. No, Mom, it's not.

This magazine makes women look great, and it shows that they can be

inclined.

I see. So this woman, Tammy, this is the kind of woman you want to end up with?

No. I would like to date a few girls like Tammy.

But later on, I'd like to settle down with someone like you.

Really? What am I like?

You're smart, you make a lot of money, and you look good for your age.

Those are the kind of lines that you use. You're going to need every car in

magazine. Now, you get rid of this thing.

And any magazine like this that you may have in here.

Yes, ma 'am.

Thank you.

Say goodbye to Tammy.

No, Nicole, I insist. Don't bring a thing.

You made dinner for us last time.

Okay, I'll see you Sunday.

Bye.

What's happening? I just invited Nicole and James Harmon over for dinner Sunday.

James Harmon is coming. All right.

Where are you going?

I'm going down to get the rake and smooth out the baton court.

It is 32 degrees outside. I don't want you playing that bocce ball foolishness

on Sunday now. First of all, it's not bocce ball, dear. It's called baton.

But, Tom, you understand?

I don't care what you call it. All I know is that you and Dr. Harmon get out

that backyard, you put the little steel ball in your hand, and something goes to

your brain.

And then two grown, intelligent men, doctors, start acting like juveniles. I

wish your patients could see how you two argue over a little ball.

See, that's why you don't know anything.

It's not arguing. It's a debate.

Debate? Debate. The last time you debated so loudly, our neighbors called

police. And what happened? The police came, right? Went out there, and James

I explained the game, and the next thing you know, they were out there playing

with us.

And the sergeant came in here, and he was playing with nobody at the police

station. Now, just promise me just this once, honey, that we can have a nice,

relaxed evening, all right?

where the men can come in and eat their dinner and dessert and drink some coffee

and talk to your wives about world issues.

Okay.

We'll eat early and talk fast.

Okay, Mom, I'm throwing away the magazines.

Theo, are all of those car and woman magazines?

No. Some of them are bikes and paint.

Get them out.

Yes, Mom.

We're going to play peyote.

Somebody's been waiting for you. Oh, really?

Cliff!

Lindy, I haven't seen you in so long. You have really grown.

That's the problem when you go into boarding school. Whenever you come home,

everyone says, gee, I haven't seen you since you were this high.

Cliff!

What's the matter with you?

I want you to see. Look at Lindy.

Oh, shucks.

My love.

I guess there's no one else standing here. Not anybody I want to see.

What is that you have in your hand, Dr. Huxtable? It looks like to me something

that is going to humiliate and defeat Dr.

Harmon.

It's going to be one of those evenings.

No, don't worry, Nicole. I've already talked to Cliff, and he's promised me

there'll be no playing of anything until after dinner.

Let's have dinner immediately.

No, let's eat dessert now, then we can go again.

No, we will not. You two come back and sit down now. We're going to make

ourselves comfortable and enjoy a leisurely evening of conversation.

So,

Lindy, how long are you in town?

Only a couple of days. The rest of the break I'll be in Portland, Oregon. I'm

going on an outward bound expedition.

Oh.

Yes, sit down.

I would vow I have heard of this. It's supposed to be very tough.

Yeah. Last summer, I went kayaking off the coast of Maine. In Oregon, I'll be

rock climbing. Rock climbing.

It's about a foot shorter than Mount Everest, and they call it a rock.

Daddy.

Hi, everybody. Head actor Harmon. Hi, Mrs. Harmon.

Hello, Theo. Theo, do you remember our daughter, Lindy? Hi, Theo.

I haven't seen you since you were 13.

Yeah, they grow up, don't they, son?

If you'll excuse me, I'm going to check on the roast.

Hey, Mom, I'll help you. You will?

Sure.

Mom, Mom, Lindy did not look like that before.

Like what?

Mom, the girl's unbelievable.

Now, if I knew she was going to look like that, I would have dressed better.

Oh, so you dress according to the way the girl looks.

Of course.

So if the girl were not attractive, you would come down in a ripped T -shirt and

dirty overalls. No, no, Mom, come on. I'm a gentleman.

Even if the girl was unattractive, I would have worn a clean T -shirt.

I think.

I think maybe I could borrow the keys to the good car and maybe Lindy and I can

go for a spin, get some dessert.

I'll think about it.

Thanks, Mom.

I thought you came in here to help me check on the roast.

Oh, right.

Smells good.

That was such a delicious meal, Mr. Constable.

Oh, thank you. So dinner's over, right? Can we play potonk now?

No, dinner's not over. We haven't had our coffee.

Make mine instant.

Right, and you don't have to stare at mine.

No.

Lindy, you're not going to have dinner like this when you go to Altwood Bund.

I know. I'll be eating freeze -dried food on the side of the mountain.

So, Lindy, I hear you're going to Oregon next week.

Yeah. Are you driving?

No, no, it's too far to drive. I'm going to fly.

Oh, that's too bad.

Because I've always felt that the best way to see this country is in the car,

like in a Ferrari.

Why don't you show her your Ferrari in the garage, son?

Lindy, I don't have a Ferrari for real.

But can't you just picture yourself behind the wheel of one of those?

No. How about lying on the hood?

Mom.

I think Theo really likes Lindy.

I think he loves her.

Would you please keep it down over there?

Lindy, how about you and I go somewhere and we can talk about Outward Bound?

Sure. I've got a pamphlet in the car. Why don't you come with me while I get

All right, let's go back. You know, I'd love to hear about Outward Bound. Me

too. Right there, me too.

Theo will tell you about Outward Bound later. Go look in our room and watch TV.

Yeah, maybe there's a love story on.

Maybe it's about loving a Ferrari.

Thanks, Mom.

This has been a very pleasant dinner, and I have to say it's because nobody

talking about that little tongue.

Oh, no, that's not the correct pronunciation.

It's to punk.

Dear, it's... Paid tonk. Paid tonk. The proper pronunciation is paid tonk. I

guess you also say tomato.

Yes, I do.

Because that's the civilized way to pronounce it. Oh, I'm civilized. Didn't

serve you patatos?

All right, now, save it for the game. No, no, because it doesn't make any

difference whether you pronounce it patonk, latonk, or late to toki toki.

how you play the game.

That's what counts. And I, sir, know how to play the game.

But you don't know how to win it. I won the last time.

Never. Saying it loud don't make it right.

was closer to the gold than yours. You've always had problems with depth

perception. And you've always had a problem with truth perception. Oh,

Yeah. Well, the truth is, I can beat you any place, any time. Well, the place is

out there, and the time is now. I accept your challenge.

I thought you said we were tough.

I'm with you. I'm with you.

We'll play to the point of 21.

And the best two out of three.

Agreed. Agreed. All right.

My lucky hat was given

to me by the Pétanque champion of Barcelona.

Well, after I send him the results of this match, he'll probably put dog food

it.

In France.

The best players are men of retired age, which gives you an advantage since

you're so much older than I am.

Well, with your extra body weight, I'm sure you'll be able to push the ball

through the court. Toss the ball, man.

All right, there's the court.

There's the toss.

Looks good to me. All right, you throw the first ball. No, no, I just... No,

no, you go. No, I toss the goal. You go ahead first.

Fine.

I want to make sure I have enough room to throw.

Well, you think that's wise because it's 22 degrees out here.

Are you afraid of a little frost?

Can't you stand the cold?

have taken off their jackets, Cliff is in his t -shirt, and James has rolled up

his sleeves all the way to the biceps.

Now you know what's coming next, don't you? Definitely. Any man who strips down

to his shirt to do something is going to ask his woman to come out and watch it.

Why do these men want us to look at these muscles that they don't have

Hi. Hi.

Ladies, we have just finished practicing.

Why don't you come outside so you can see the first toss of the game?

Maybe later.

Why don't you get started without him? But it's going to be a tremendous game.

Perhaps the game of the century.

Sweetheart, you can go out or come in, but please close that door.

Now, see, if I pick this up, I'm going to have to spread with him because I'm

picking it up from here. Okay.

Hey,

Mom, guess what?

Then he's going to teach me to climb rocks.

Oh, really? Where?

In the basement.

We're not actually going to make a climb. I'm just going to show Theo some

techniques. So, is it okay?

Yeah, it's fine. I just didn't know you were into rock climbing.

Oh, Mom, come on. You know I've mentioned it several times.

That's right, you have. And you have all those rock climbing magazines in your

room.

You know, I've described some of those. Which ones do you read?

Theo likes rock and woman.

Come on.

Let's go, Linda. Let's go.

Okay, it's all set.

Theo, I just wanted to show you some basic techniques. I didn't want us to

a climb. No, Lindy, I think I'm ready for the real thing now.

All right. Let me just make sure these ropes are secure.

Look at this. This is pretty shaky.

No, Lindy, it's been like that for years, but it's always held up. Now

started. All right.

Now, let's say this is a steep rock and we want to get to a climb who's up

there. Hey, this is exciting.

You know, I almost feel like I'm on top of a mountain right now.

It's so beautiful.

See you in the basement.

I know, but it's still beautiful.

All right.

Now, first, you have to secure a safety rope around your waist. All right? Like

this.

I feel secure already.

I think you can handle this on your own.

All right. Now, clip this.

Here.

Okay. That.

Make sure your equipment is secure.

Check. You know, I think I'm really beginning to understand rock climbing.

To me, it's kind of like a relationship between two people.

Well, how's that?

First, you have to take it step by step, and you have to put a lot of care into

it until that beautiful moment when you plant your flag at the top of the

mountain.

But a lot of men get killed before they get to the top of the mountain.

Yeah, but I'm not like those other guys.

In fact, I bet I can get to the top of the banister with no trouble.

Theo, I haven't taught you how to climb yet.

You don't have to. I've soaked it in just being near you.

Watch this.

You know, if it's too cold out here for you, you can bow out gratefully. Why

should I bow out?

I'm ahead 20 to 19, one point away from sweet victory.

Well, the only reason why I say that is because, you know, you were born and

raised in Trinidad.

And it's kind of hot down there. And, you know, this cold weather get on that

skin of yours and dry it up. You just might break up into little pieces and I

could pick you up and spread you over your wife's flower bed.

With your aim, I might end up on the roof.

I'm sorry. The only reason why I was talking through that whole thing is

this is a very important point.

And I know you're under a lot of pressure. Man, I ain't feeling no

man. Well, the only reason why I'm still talking about this is because that ball

might be getting a little heavy. The ball is as light like a feather.

I got you. Are you saying that you are closer? I'm saying that my ball... Don't

touch the ball. No, I'm not touching the ball. Okay, I'm saying that your...

Don't touch the ball, Cliff. Don't touch the ball.

All right, what are you saying?

Are you saying that your ball, which is this far away, is closer than my

ball, which is this far away? Are you saying that the Statue of Liberty is

tall?

You're near -sighted, short -sighted, far -sighted, and hind -sighted.

Okay. All right. Then let's do this. Why don't I get a ruler and measure?

Agreed. All right. I'll get my ruler. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. I don't

your ruler.

I knew something like this was going to happen. I brought my own.

No, no, no. Wait. Don't touch a thing here. No, no, no, no. We'll use your

ruler. I'll go get my wife to be an impartial judge. No, no, no.

We'll use your ruler and my wife.

I tell you what.

No rulers. Why don't we just use our wives? That's fine with me. All right.

we go.

And by the way, you owe me $11 .80 for the dinner. But you owe me $15 for the

dinner you had at my house. Why? Because you served me tomatoes?

Nicole, honey, get your coat. We need you to judge who's the winner. Yeah, and

Claire, I want you to come out and keep her honest.

Oh, honey, please close that door. We're not going anywhere.

We don't want to get involved.

But we can't declare the winner unless you come out. I have an idea. Why don't

you two go back outside, strip down to your undershorts, and run around the

block? And whoever gets back first can be the winner.

Obviously, you all don't care about the importance of this game.

They would have declared me when they had come out. What

happened

here? I fell from the banister.

Oh, Theo, are you all right?

Yeah, yeah.

Well, honey, what were you doing?

Well, I was trying to show Lindy that I can climb rocks.

Hey,

Mom. I could have been seriously hurt. Don't worry, Theo. I'm an orthopedist.

you're hurt, I can patch you up. You better keep an eye on him, son, because

may look at your scapula and bandage your face.

Theo, you're lucky your father doesn't have to take care of you.

He'd just hold you by the ankles and slap you on the bottom.

What made you think that this banister could support a climb?

Oh, it wasn't a climb that broke the banister. It broke when Theo tried to do

handstand on it.

It was a good handstand.

Now, this is nice to see.

Hi, Mrs. Herman. I thought you left a long time ago.

Well, we tried, but the car wouldn't start.

Did you call the auto club?

No. Your father and my husband decided that they wanted to get the car started

themselves. They have managed to disconnect every hose and wire connected

handstand. You better get a mechanic over here quick before they do some

damage. Don't worry. Everything's under control. Lindy just stepped in and is

fixing everything.

Lindy knows how to fix cars?

Yes, it's a hobby of hers.

Oh, I'm impressed.

That's right, son. Take a good look because this is the picture you want to

See, now that young lady is not draped over the hood. She's underneath it

working.

And note.

Note the position of the men. They are exactly where they belong.

Sitting on the curb.

The Cosby Show was taped before a studio audience.