Original subtitles

Thank

you.

do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do

be the best Cliff's Ding Dong Eight Alarm chili ever tasted on

the face of this earth. Cliff, why do you have to take three days to make that

chili? Because if you tasted this the first day, you'd say, hmm, what can did

this come out of?

If you tasted it on the second day, you'd say, oh my goodness, somebody's

grandmother got up off her chair and just took this to the mountain.

But the third day, oh!

Third day, you don't even have to taste it. You just walk by the pot, something

says, hey, come here.

Sounds delicious.

It is.

It is. Yeah.

And now all I have to do is add the rest of these herbs and spices.

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

Now, now this truly is unbelievable.

What's that, Dad?

Well, guess who is playing at the Gaslight Club in the village?

Slim Claxton and his trio.

Oh, you mean that man that played the xylophone, wrote the song, Baby, Don't

Step On My Face Cause Your Shoes Got Nails In Them?

Yeah, yeah.

And he also did Don't Bring Home A Chicken When You Promise Me You'll Stay.

Don't bring home a chicken.

52 years ago in New Orleans.

You're kidding.

I try to see him whenever he's in town. You know, I've owed that man some money

for a long time.

And whenever I've tried to pay him back, he won't let me. Uh -uh.

But I'm going to get him this time. What are you going to do? I'll call the

Gaslight Club and see if Slim is down there today. Ah!

to seem to be a drum major? There's a tryout at school tomorrow.

You can't be a drum major. Why not?

Drum majors are boys.

Who says?

They just are. I've never seen a girl drum major.

You're fibbing. Oh, no he isn't, Rudy. Most drum majors are boys.

Ha ha, I was right. Burned you bad.

However, a bunch of girls and I got together at school and we decided that

were going to try out. And since there has never been a girl drum major in our

entire school history, We have to be four times as good for them to pick one

us. I don't think you girls should be doing this.

Why not?

My brother says a man doesn't want to see a woman doing a man's job unless

wearing a bathing suit.

Kenny, if you don't stop listening to your brother, the only person you're

to marry is him.

Ha, ha.

Burn to work.

I don't care what he says. I'm going to go out for drum major, and I'm going to

get it.

Yeah, that band's going to be following my... sister down the field.

Bird.

Thank you, Rudy.

How would you like to help me practice?

Sure. I'd ask you to help, but I don't think a man would be able to do this.

Okay, now hold my cassette recorder and make sure that no matter where I mark,

you've got it pointed at me, okay? Okay.

All right.

My drum major. My granddaughter.

Thank you. I'm the band.

Well, let's hear it for the band.

Uh, hon, pardon me. One sec. I just...

I don't mean to take anything away from you, but we had a fellow named Peter

Poindexter. He was six foot four.

And Peter Poindexter used to come out and he's...

And

Peter also had that double step back to the side.

He was mean. So, you know, you put a load. I'm sorry, sir. Peter Pondexter

good, but he was a sad imitation of the greatest drum major ever to strut across

a football field. I'm talking about tall Walter Lomax, a six -foot, eight -inch,

long -sided man who, at homecoming game of 1934, gave birth to the

world -famous Triple Dip.

Poindexter, I forgot, my mind fails me sometimes, was actually 6 '10". And what

he did one day at halftime was he came out to the cinema and

threw both batons up into the air, sang

the Star Spangled Banner, caught the baton in the right hand on the

home of the brave and the other hand on the land.

free because he was singing it backwards.

So I'm afraid that is amateur hour compared with tall Walter.

Yeah, at halftime of a game years ago, tall Walter, who as I recall was

at least 7 '1", led the band out onto the field with those long strides that

seemed to take up 10 yards at a clip.

10 yards and strides. That's right. And when he hit midfield, He cut a

Charleston step and suddenly threw his baton way up in there.

And then just when everybody was waiting for the baton to come down, Tall Walter

Lomax led the band off the field.

You mean he just let the baton fall on the ground?

No. A week later, Tall Walter led the band out onto the same field.

And the baton that he threw up in there seven days ago came right down in his

hand.

Grandpa, is that a true story?

If I'm lying, may I be hit by a falling baton?

Hey, what's up, Ed? Hey, Slim.

Reservation's looking pretty good for tomorrow night.

Standing room only. How much are you going to charge him for my smiling face?

$12 .50 cover charge.

$12 .50? Shoot, that's kind of cheap, you know it.

You mind holding this for me, Ed? This is my special coffee.

Oh, can I have a cup?

Uh -uh.

You're too young.

You mean you've got something else inside that besides coffee?

You is smart, you know that?

Let me take a look up here and see what's out this telephone up here.

Hey,

how much are you going to charge anybody sitting back at that post?

Well, they pay double because they don't have to look at you.

Charge him triple.

Let me see here.

Oh, I got to get that.

Hey,

man, I ain't bad. You know that there? Who would pay $12 .50 to hear that?

Who is that out there hacking me? Do you remember Rainy Night in 1936 at the

Club L 'Amour?

This is my son, Heathcliff. How you doing, Heathcliff? How are you? I've

lot about you. Well, whatever you had, just multiply it by 15, then divide it

16, don't pay no attention to it.

You know, a polite person would have invited us to sit.

Well, I'll look around and see if I can fight a fight once again.

Come on, sit down.

Can I pour you all a cup of coffee? Are you still drinking that special coffee

of yours?

Don't you know it? Then I think I'll pass.

Yeah? What about you, Heathcliff?

Well, I'll have a load.

I'll pour you out a little bit, Captain Clare.

You're really going to like this, you know.

Thank you.

Yes, sir.

Yes.

Oh!

How do you like it?

I can't get to it.

You know, you could get arrested for that.

Ain't going to bother me.

So, is Claude Powell still in your trio?

Claude Powell? He's been dead for ten years.

No.

How about Freddie Collins?

Freddie Collins?

He's dead.

You ever hear anything about Choo Choo Wallace?

Yeah, he's dead, too.

What about Skip Logan?

Dead. How about the Tannen Brothers?

Dead, dead, and dead.

But there were four of them. I know it. He's dead, too.

You know, Tim, I've been reading about you for years. I mean, you're out there

on tour, playing your music, going strong.

I'm proud of you, man.

That's a mighty fine karma coming from you. For a man who can play a horn

sweeter than Gabriel.

Well, I'm retired now.

You know, if I had your money, I'd retire too.

No, no, no, no. I never did make that much money. Nobody said you made any

money. They just said you never let go of it.

Well, if I am so tight, why am I about to hand you a hundred dollar bill? Now,

I'm sure you remember I owe you this money.

I sure do.

To buy Anna a wedding ring.

Son...

I never told you this, but 51 years ago, I was playing a gig in a club where the

owner shipped the band for a week's salary.

I had no money to buy your mother a ring, but Slim heard it, came over to

hotel room to offer his condolences, and when he left, I found a $100 bill in my

coat pocket.

And this time, you are going to take the money.

Ain't no way I'm going to take that money, Clyde. I insist.

You might insist.

But I'm going to recess.

Why won't you take the money from me? Because I'd be cursed.

Cursed? That's right.

You remember that old hatchet -faced lady down there in Louisiana who used to

tell all their fortunes? You mean Madam Carla?

That's her. You know something?

She changed my whole life. She said, if I went out and gave people money, I'd

have nothing but good fortune the rest of my life. And I'm telling you right

now, ever since I gave that little money to you and your dear wife, I ain't had

nothing but the best of luck.

And I'm knocking on wood.

Shoot, that ain't wood. That's from a hill guy.

But you don't seem to understand, Slim.

When I borrow money, I always pay it back.

Why don't you give it to your son? He looks like he can use it.

My son's a doctor.

You're a doctor?

Yes, sir.

Well, say, Doc, how about lending me $1 ,500?

No. But I tell you what, you can join my father and me on Friday. I cook some

special hot chili.

Friday? I got to do four shows. That's a big day.

Well, how early do you want to eat?

What do you say about 6 o 'clock AOC?

All right, and you bring your special coffee.

Don't you know it! And we'll talk loud and draw a crowd.

I hear you talk. Thank you.

Hey, Vanessa, how was the tryout?

Wait, Vanessa, wait. Come on, come on, come on, come on. You got to tell me

about this now. Come on. How were they?

I am so mad I could hit somebody.

What was that for?

Because you're a guy.

Vanessa, what's wrong with you? They didn't pick me to be drum major.

Robbed royally.

Then why are you hitting me?

Because three out of the four judges on the committee were guys.

And those guys picked another guy to be drum major.

even though that guy dropped the baton twice.

Okay, Vanessa, I think you should calm down.

I think you're getting a little bit too emotional about the whole situation.

Maybe you should just go home and have a good cry. You might get it all out of

your system.

Why do girls have to go home and have a good cry? I think that's what you guys

always say.

You know who should be crying? The guy who dropped the baton. But he isn't,

because his buddies, who are also guys, picked him.

I'm serious, man. Amy was looking at me the whole time. Get out of here. She was

looking over your head at me. In your dream.

Yo, fellas, what's up? Hey, Theo. What are you doing here so late? I didn't see

you at the tryout.

Had a wrestling practice.

You guys went out for joint major?

Are you serious, man? We were the judges.

You guys were the judges?

Yeah, we're in the band and they picked the judges from the band. No kidding.

So how'd the tryouts go?

Pretty good.

You see Vanessa?

Hey, you know it. Theo, your sister's looking good.

Hey, you know who's looking even better?

Amy Dressler. Oh, man. Did you see those shorts she had on? I was spending an

extra year in high school just to be next to her.

So how did Amy and my sister do?

Pretty good, I guess.

What do you mean you guess? Aren't you paying attention?

Sure, man. We're paying attention. Everyone got a fence shot. Yeah, right.

mean, hey, we picked the right guy. Right, guys?

You know what? It sounds to me like no matter how good the girls were, you're

going to pick a guy anyway. Hey, you catch on pretty fast, huh?

We can let the girls try out. I mean, hey, that's right. Those girls out there

today should have been faking us. You know it.

Let's go, guys. Hey, listen,

say hi to Vanessa. Tell her I enjoyed what she did. All right.

You are now ready, my sweet.

Ready now for the hottest chili peppers on the face of the

earth. One.

More chili.

Daddy, can you help me get this encyclopedia off the shelf?

Why, are you going to hide a note from your teacher in there?

Okay, as soon as I finish with the chili.

Can I have a taste?

No, I've just put in six.

of the hottest chili peppers on the face of this earth. I swirled it around.

If you don't let them cook for the two hours, when you taste it, your face will

go, and fire will shoot out, and you'll go running. You won't wait for me.

You'll say, and flames will be shooting out of your face, and you'll go over to

Peter's house, and he'll grab the fire extinguisher, and then the phone will be

all over, and people will put a cherry on top, and they'll sell you in the

drugstore.

All right.

Come on. We'll find that encyclopedia.

Encyclopedia. Oh, you say that so beautifully. Say it again.

Encyclopedia.

Encyclopedia.

I told you to stay out of my chili.

Mom.

Yes?

Tell me that you're proud of me.

I'm proud of you. Now, Mom, let me tell you why you're proud of me. I found out

that Vanessa did not get drum major yesterday because the judges had been

planning to pick a guy all along.

So, I went to the principal's office and I told him. And tonight, Because of

yours truly, Theodore Aloysius Huxtable.

They're having new tryouts. And they're having new judges. Two guys and two

girls. Oh, Theo, I am very proud of you.

Mom, this is unbelievable.

Mind -boggling. Beyond tremendous.

Yes? The principal announced that tonight they're having new tryouts for

drum major.

Oh. And I bet I know how it happened.

How? Word must have gotten out about how good I was.

together and forced the principal to give me another chance.

I mean, I know I'm good, but I didn't know I was a legend.

I'm going upstairs to practice.

Vanessa, I gotta tell you something.

What?

Good luck.

Thanks.

Oh, and Theo, I'm sorry I hit you earlier.

That's okay.

Theodore Huxtable, you are beyond tremendous.

Much.

Mom. Yes?

You've been in Dad's chili.

Oh!

That was great. Do you think I can learn to play that? Shoot, I just happen to

have one in my pocket here. I tell you, you can practice on it. But be careful,

though. You're allowed to get the athlete's feet.

Mighty fine. Thank you. A little bit bland for me.

I sure am glad I brought my own sauce.

You know, they don't know how to make sauce over there in Europe.

You have to admit, they have some pretty good food over there. I was in France

during the war. I can still remember that bouillabaisse.

Bouillabaisse. Bull, that ain't nothing but a bunch of crawfish bits with a

dadgum bunch of dadgum seashell chunks in there.

You know what that chunk of money charged me? It charged me $20.

You know what I said?

Let me tell you something. If I'm going to pay $20, there better be some pearls

in these here shells.

Do you have time to stay a while before you go down to the club?

Shoot, yeah, I got a little time. Dad's coming right ahead. Shoot. Hey, Doc.

Yes, sir. You know what I'd like to hear right now? What's that?

One of them stinky goat rope cigars.

Well, you seem to enjoy yourself, Slim.

That's because I love being old.

You know something, Doc? You don't know what you're missing.

I don't. Now, you know what they say about women living longer than men? Uh

-huh. Well, they sure is right.

But let me tell you something. I'm reaping all the harvest.

I go down to them senior citizen dances and shoot our dance all night with them

withers. You know something? They consider me a real stud.

You never did get married, did you, son? Dude, no. I'm still showing my old.

Well, okay.

I'm going to have to get motion.

I'd like to get down to the club a little later and make a fresh pot of

All right.

I'll get your coat for you. Okay, thank you. Thank you, Doc.

I got to go get my thermos.

Quite a guy, your friend Slim.

Quick, give me his coat.

I'm going to slip this $100 out of my mentor's pocket.

Well, wait a minute, Dad.

Now, you heard what he said about the curse.

Cliff.

Madam Carla was the biggest con artist in New Orleans. She used to tell every

man who came to her that if he gave money to someone in need, it would bring

luck. Then she'd arrange to have one of her shills go up to that man later and

say, Hey, buddy, I'm in need.

Say no more.

Doc, slide on one thing for a wonderful evening.

Well, it's been our pleasure.

I sure do appreciate it. I want you to remember one thing, Doc.

Tomorrow night at the club, you're going to get the best seat in the house.

Where? Right back at that pole.

Hi,

Vanessa. Hi, everybody.

Come say hello. This is my daughter, Vanessa.

Hi, Vanessa. Just call me Slim.

Nice to meet you. Hi, Grandpa. Hey, baby.

How'd the tryout go?

Terrible. Oh.

I was good, Dad. I really was.

And I still didn't get picked to be drum major. Who won?

A girl who was six foot three inches tall.

She showed up out of nowhere and wiped out everybody.

I bet you feel mighty bad, don't you, sweetie?

Yeah, I sure do.

Well, I think I have something you really like, and I think your grandpa

like for you to have it, too.

Now, don't you go spending all in one place, you hear?

A hundred dollars?

Yeah, you put it in your piggy bank.

The Cosby Show.

Paid before a studio audience.