Original subtitles

Thank you.

Buh -bye.

late. 40 minutes.

That's it. Here we go.

We can't leave yet. Peter and his brother aren't here yet. They ought to

in a minute. We can wait a minute for them, okay?

Dr. Huxtable. Yes. Will we like the show we're going to see?

Of course you are going to like it. It's called Salute to Vaudeville and they

have clowns, they have comics. Do they have a blues band? I dig the blues.

I don't think there's going to be a blues band.

There they are. There they are. There they are.

Ha! All right. On time.

How are you, Mr. Chiara? Hi.

And my friend?

How are you, Peter? And look at your brother, Paul.

Hi, Dr.

Huxford. Good to see you again. What's new?

Well, I guess everything's all right. What's with you?

Same old thing.

Life goes on. You know how it is. Oh, yeah.

I certainly do.

I'll bring him home in time for dinner, all right? Thanks. Okay, you guys.

All right, we're going to see a salute to vaudeville. Everybody understand the

rules? Yeah!

Now, this is my team.

You're all going to be well behaved.

We will be well behaved.

You will keep your hands to yourselves.

We will keep our hands to ourselves.

No taking anybody's scarf or hat, rolling down the window, putting your

and using it as a flag.

Let the show begin.

Let the show begin.

Forward, hop.

Hey,

how you doing, Robert?

This is amazing.

I was on my way over here. You must have picked up on my vibes because you were

waiting for me at the door.

No, Robert, I didn't pick up on anything. See, I'm taking the kids out.

going in the station wagon.

See, you believe you were taking the kids to the station wagon, but I believe

it's all a part of the big plan. It's called synchronicity.

Yeah, okay.

Well, Vanessa is in the kitchen. See ya. Oh, no, but I came to see you. No, I

don't think you came to see me because I'm going.

No, see, I wanted to share something with you.

This book will open new horizons for you. It's called The Cosmic Me by Kublai

Atif. Uh -huh. If you read this book, it'll answer all your questions about

place in the universe.

Yeah, well, right now my play is with the kids in the station wagon.

Well, I'll wait for you. No, no, no, you don't wait for me.

Because, see, you and I will be synchromeshing down the freeway of life.

Just a little towards the light, please. Thank you.

This is Huxtable. I am really happy that you're helping me with my election

campaign. Well, I know Dr. Huxtable wanted to help you too, but between you

me, sometimes his campaign slogans get a little strange.

Yeah, Dad already suggested vote for Janet, she'll save the planet.

Hi. Hi, Robert.

Robert, what are you doing here? Oh, I came over to see your father, but he had

to leave, so I'm just waiting.

Excuse me.

I don't believe we've met.

At least not in this lifetime.

My name is Morgan.

Morgan? Wow, that's a pretty name. It befits you.

Thanks. If you don't mind me saying this, you have an aura about you. A

I'm not afraid to admit I'm drawn to it. Why don't we go to the store and pick

up some more supplies?

Good idea. Hey, let me come along.

No, no, you stay here. Yeah, Robert, I think you better stay here. You can pick

up some more campaign slogans for my election.

Oh, okay. I'll come up with slogans that make people aware of your cosmic

essence.

You know, many festivals, fate works in strange ways.

I realize now why I was brought over here today.

Oh? To meet and marry Morgan.

I feel our destinies are intertwined in a way that can't be denied.

Robert? Yeah? I am suddenly feeling very tired.

Would you mind if I took a little nap?

Oh, no, not at all. You don't have to entertain me. Whenever I'm here, I feel

really at home. It's like I've been here forever.

I feel the same way, Robert.

This is the address in the paper.

In the car, you tell them it's going to be a big old fancy theater with

chandeliers and velvet seats.

This place is nothing like that. Yeah, this is a dump.

Oh, hi.

Hi. I'm Pamela.

You can sit down wherever you like. Front row.

Where do we get the popcorn?

I'm afraid we don't have popcorn.

What do you have? Just coffee. Do you have coffee ice cream?

No, just coffee.

I'm really glad someone finally showed up. This is the most people we've had

here in weeks.

You mean we're the only ones who are going to be here?

Look that way.

We could start the show immediately if you like.

Okay, just one second.

Okay,

they're going to start the show now. Does anyone here have to go to the

bathroom?

Is there anyone here who wants a drink of water?

Can I have a milkshake?

No, dear. They just have coffee.

I'll have a cup of coffee.

Nobody's going to have any coffee. All right. Now, have we got that straight?

Straight? Straight.

All right.

Thank you. Okay.

Chuck.

Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen.

We're boys and girls.

And boys and girls.

And daddies. And daddies.

We have any mommies out there?

No, she's at home.

Oh, fine.

Well, welcome to a salute to Vaudeville. It's a thrilling, scintillating

afternoon of entertainment guaranteed to keep you glued to your seat.

Didn't I ask earlier if anybody had to go to the bathroom?

Yes. Well... I didn't have to go then.

Neither. I'm sorry.

No problem.

Where is it?

Okay, come on. Let's go.

Yes. Is this Vaudeville?

Well, this is a salute to Vaudeville.

Did Vaudeville have a blues band?

No, no blues band.

Too bad he digs the blues.

I'm sorry.

Shouldn't be any more interruptions. Please.

Thank you. And now, Pamela, the lights.

Ladies and gentlemen, and... Boys and girls and daddies and mobbies who are

home. I'd like to introduce our first performer.

He is the great Valentine.

Take your time. Always a few slow readers.

Name dropper. What do you say?

We get on with the show.

Best crowd we've had here in years.

Pamela, the garbage.

war surplus. Every piece of it.

Thank you, dear.

No trick. Just keeping the dust off the basket.

Here we go.

Up.

Not bad for the first, sir.

Only the beginning. Only the beginning.

Don't laugh. You may have bags in your pants.

This is the best trick I do in the whole act.

From the empty paper bag, I produce a 68 -pound pigeon.

That's the small one. Here we go.

Give them all you've got.

That's all.

At the count of three, the pigeon.

One, two, you know.

Come out, flyin'. They're waiting.

Let's go.

Up!

Fly, boy, fly!

And now, here's the one you've all been waiting for.

Not that one. The rabbit!

From the top hat.

All magicians do it. Why shouldn't I?

You pass us over the hat for the old dusteroo.

Inside the hat.

What happened to the dusteroo?

Inside the hat.

Well, if you're going to watch that close, the trick is off.

I'll give him the big one now. I'll make the whole audience disappear.

Get around.

There they go, Kemosabe.

And now, tense moment in the act.

Not for you. Me.

I pluck 10 ,000 cards one at a time at my fingertips.

10 ,000.

I gotta see that myself.

10 ,000.

Wake him up!

Were you that funny?

Huh? It was.

Well, it was hilarious, honey.

I guess it would be funny if we were old.

Daddy, can we stop for ice cream on the way home?

Sure, sure we can. Can we go home now?

No, give it a chance, all right?

Look at that. Are they cleaning up or what?

This is boring.

The great Valentine, wasn't he something?

Yes, he was.

Now, before I introduce this next very entertaining act, which I'm sure you're

going to enjoy, I just want to ask, does anybody have to go to the bathroom?

I do.

But you just went.

That time I only washed my hands.

I'm sorry.

Pamela, the light.

Anybody else have to go?

The girls just went for another walk.

Isn't that the third walk they've taken in the last hour?

Yeah. This is causing tremendous problems in my relationship with Morgan.

I didn't realize you had a relationship with Morgan.

Oh, definitely. That woman is going to be my wife.

Does she know this, Robert?

Well, I think she has a sense of it. Right before they took this walk, I was

telling her, Morgan, you and I are like two stalks of corn planted in the field

of spiritual oneness waiting for the harvest of love.

I'm going for a walk.

It's so funny.

Two stalks of what waiting where for which?

Robert, you're one of a kind.

I know.

I guess I'm just on a higher plane.

You got that right.

Do you think that's why girls I like don't like me back?

Robert, that's not for me to say.

No, please. I'd like your opinion. I could use it.

What am I doing wrong?

Well, for one thing, Robert, as soon as you meet a girl, you want to marry her,

and you don't know anything about her.

That's not true. Not true? What's Morgan's last name?

Um... I don't know, but it doesn't matter because I wanted to have my last

Robert, if you take my advice, you won't rush things with Morgan. Just let

everything evolve naturally.

You know, life is funny.

I thought my purpose in coming here was to meet and marry Morgan.

Now I realize my true reason.

Partake of the wisdom of Mrs.

Claire Huxley.

Last name, Robert.

Get the girl's last name.

I'm sorry. Her comb went further down the drain than I thought.

Okay.

Begin the show. Yes, sir, please.

Pamela.

Well,

ladies and gentlemen, our next performer has been seen in all the top comedy

clubs in the Eastern Seaboard. Will you give a rousing vaudeville welcome,

please, to the Wall Street comic. He's Andy Witherspoon III.

Thank you.

Thank you.

As you can probably tell, I'm a business school graduate.

Are there any other business school graduates out here today?

You, sir?

I'm a doctor.

Well, it doesn't matter.

Anyway, at my business school, the dorm rules were very strict. No corporate

raiding after midnight.

Also, after midnight, the students were not allowed to merge.

Anyway, moving right along, after business school, I went to Wall Street

a job with a major investment firm. They started me at the bottom.

I cleaned up after the bull every morning.

Which wasn't too bad because he only left blue shit.

Would it help if I said I knew the Smurfs personally?

I guess not.

You know, I read recently where a university was using stockbrokers and

medical experiments.

But they had to stop because people felt sorry for the rat.

Kid, kid, kid.

You know, my nephew told me some jokes I'm sure you've never heard.

What did the pen say to the paper?

I bet you don't know this one.

What did the rug say to the floor?

Hands up. I've got you covered.

Good luck. Thank you. You've been a wonderful audience.

That was Andy Witherspoon III.

Come on out here, Andy, for another bow.

Forget it.

Well, ladies and gentlemen, I think I see what may be called for here.

We will need just a...

moment while the next act gets ready. So if anybody has to go

to the bathroom or anything, this would be a good time.

Yes, sir.

No,

you can't sneak out. It would be impolite.

Hope it gets better.

Hi. Hi.

Are you guys enjoying the show?

Yeah.

over here, and I was just wondering about the next act.

Now, who is it?

Eddie, the emcee. Okay, now, what does he do?

Well, that's hard to describe. He does this combination of physical, musical,

comedy, dance thing with contemporary, traditional clown things.

A clown?

Yeah. Aha!

Now comes the clown!

Ta -da!

No, he doesn't do that anymore.

Will he wear a red nose?

Sorry, he's old at nose.

What kind of clown doesn't have a red nose?

Well, it doesn't make any difference if he doesn't have a red nose. He's going

to be funny. You say that.

I'm sorry.

Button draw.

All

right.

We'll show Dr. Huxtable what vaudeville's all about.

Yeah, this has got to be good.

Oh, sorry.

Yeah,

okay. All right, gang.

Come on, that's it. We've all had a wonderful time. Dr.

Huxtable, the show's not quite over yet.

Oh, it isn't? No, in the great vaudevillian tradition, we have a little

be sure to take me for a studio audience.