Original subtitles

Thank you.

Thank you.

after you ate it.

Hey, how am I supposed to concentrate on my game? Did you see those cheerleaders

practicing at the other end?

Lyle, the way you were shooting, it looked like you were trying out for the

cheerleaders. Yeah? Well, the closest you'll ever get to a cheerleader was in

that gym today.

Oh, good one. He got you, Gordon.

Lyle, you're just jealous because I went out Tuesday night with Sherry Jarboe.

Big deal. I'm sure nothing happened anyway. Then why have I been smiling for

past three days, huh?

Which reminds me, Theo, you haven't told us what happened on your date with

Christy Evans.

Yeah, Theo.

Well, what's it worth to you? Knowing you, probably three cents.

All right, fellas, go ahead and laugh, but let's put it this way. If you guys

won the lottery, you still couldn't afford my details.

Well,

if you're looking for an MVP, maybe I should tell you about my date with Nancy

Jenkins. Oh, don't tell me you got the first base with Nancy Jenkins. First

base? I hit it out of the park.

Thank you, thank you. I'll be signing autographs for you.

What about you? You haven't said anything.

Didn't you go out with, uh, Jennifer Higgins? Yeah, Lyle, what happened? You

read all about it when the book comes out. Oh, yeah. Thank you, Mother's Let

Buy It.

We are definitely all stars.

Yeah, when we graduate, they're gonna put a plaque up in this locker room.

Yeah, and you know what it's gonna say?

On this site, send some real men to learn everything they know from Lyle

Thompson.

Ladies and gentlemen, lovers of magic and prestidigitation, I present for your

enjoyment that mistress of illusion, that madam of mystery, that lady of

domain, the great Rudini!

Thank you, ladies and gentlemen. And thank you, my loyal assistant, Momina.

Are you ready to perform feats of magic, oh great Rudini?

Yes, I'm ready.

and an ordinary drinking glass.

Please, hold your applause until the end.

My assistant will pour milk into the glass.

Momita, the milk.

Thank you, ladies and gentlemen. Isn't she beautiful?

Are you going to drink the milk, oh great Houdini?

No, I'm going to make it disappear.

Impossible. You shall see, oh doubtful one.

I shall now say the magic words.

Abracadabra, hocus pocus, make this milk go out of focus.

Wait! Wait!

There is more.

Really? Now what has happened to the milk, oh great Rudini? The milk has

a beautiful milk bottle.

How'd you do that? I cannot reveal my secret to mere mortals.

I'm sorry. The mere mortal apologizes. Would you go off to your magic room?

Okay. Thank you, and good night. You've been a terrific audience.

Isn't she something?

That's not bad. How'd she do that? Oh.

As the magician's assistant, I'm sworn to secrecy.

How did she do it?

I'm serious, Cliff. I promised the great Rudini I'd never tell.

Okay, I'll find out one way or the other.

Hey, Dad, hey, Mom. Hey, son, do me a favor. Before you go out, let me know

because you and I have some detective work to do around here. Sure.

Did I get any phone calls? You certainly did. There's some messages for you on

that pad.

Danny, Minnie, and Lyle.

Oh, Theo, wait a minute. That call from Lyle isn't for you. What do you mean? He

called for Vanessa.

What did he want with Vanessa?

He asked her out. They're going to a movie tonight.

You mean you gave Vanessa permission to go out with Lyle Thompson?

Well, sure.

They're going to an early show.

But, Mom, you don't even know the guy.

Theo, he's your friend. You brought him over here a million times.

Where's Vanessa?

Upstairs in her room.

Okay, thanks.

The glass.

has a false bottom.

Nope. She didn't have tubes running up her arm.

Not even close, Cliff. You're never gonna get this.

You're not gonna tell me, right? Oh, no.

Okay. Well, I'll go down to the magic shop, and when I come back, I'm gonna

you disappear.

And then I'm gonna make her disappear.

And make everybody disappear if I don't find out how that trick works in that

glass.

People say, what happened to her family?

I put them all in the glass. They disappeared.

The milk has become a beautiful little scarf.

Wow!

How'd you do that? I cannot reveal my secret.

Vanessa, I need to talk to you.

Who dares interrupt the great Rudini?

This will only take a minute, Rudy.

Okay.

Vanessa, I hear you're going on a date with Lyle Thompson.

Yeah. I saw him at a Latin club meeting and he asked me to go to a movie with

him. Well, I don't think it's a good idea. Why not?

Well, because of a lot of reasons.

Like what?

First of all, he's a junior and you're a freshman.

So? He's two whole years older.

Well, what's wrong with that? Dad is four years older than Mom.

Yeah, but Vanessa, they're old.

It doesn't matter to them anymore.

Age doesn't matter to me either.

Well, it should. Are you aware of the fact that women live an average of five

years longer than men?

You're getting involved with the guy who's going to die way before you.

What am I supposed to do, date someone Broody's age?

You can ask your bud.

Okay, Vanessa, I didn't want to talk about this, but there are other reasons

should not go out with Lyle Thompson.

You've got to experience this.

Well, if you don't know, then that's another reason you shouldn't go out with

him.

See, I think Lyle's a very nice boy, and that's why I'm going out with him.

Vanessa, believe me, you should not go out with him. And I'm only saying this

because I care about you.

You never seemed to care about me before.

Vanessa, I care about you a lot. I always have.

Do you remember one time when you were a baby, and you fell out of your crib,

and I reached down and picked you up and gently placed you back?

No, but I do remember the time you tried to feed me flies.

were raisins.

Okay, Vanessa, I tried to be sensible. I've tried to be understanding, but now

I'm going to have to pull rank.

As your older brother, I forbid you to see Lyle.

You forbid me? Yes.

I didn't know an older brother could do that.

Well, I can.

Yeah, when you get out of here, only mom or dad can forbid something.

Yes, but I'm responsible for the things that slide by them. When mom and dad

make a mistake in judgment, that's when I step in.

I'm sorry, Theo. I am going out with Lyle Thompson.

Okay, Vanessa.

But I'm warning you.

You can end up a shattered woman laying in a gutter saying, I should have

listened to Theo. But now, it's too late.

Love dodgeball. They should put it in the Olympics.

Hey, you guys. Hey, what's up?

Lyle. Lover boy.

Hey, how about a report?

A report?

Yeah. How was your date with Vanessa? Give us some details.

Hurry up. Hostel's in the shower. Look, guys, I have nothing to tell. Are you

trying to say nothing happened between you and Vanessa?

No, I'm not saying that.

So then something did happen.

Maybe.

You know something, guys? This man got nowhere.

Yeah? Yeah.

Well, let's just say when Vanessa went out with me, she was a freshman.

Now she's ready for graduation.

Fix those showers.

Nothing comes out but cold water.

Lyle, you better get in there. You could use a cold shower.

What's that supposed to mean?

Nothing. Lyle is just overheated.

Lyle, what do you tell these guys?

About what?

You were talking about your date with Vanessa, weren't you?

Yeah, all I said was I had a good time. Did he ever?

Tell them what happened.

Tell them that my dad drove you and Vanessa to the movie theater, and when

movie ended, drove you straight home. Of course, who knows what Vanessa's like

in the movie theater when her dad's not around.

Well, straighten these guys out. Tell them nothing happened.

Theo, what goes on between me and your sister is our business.

He's right, Theo. You have to respect the man's privacy.

I don't have to tell you about that date or any other date I have with Vanessa.

That's because there's not going to be another date with Vanessa.

Understand?

Sorry, I'm taking her to the library after school.

What for?

Sounds like there's nothing left for her to study.

You guys are wrong.

You need to be put away.

You know, I'm sick and tired of seeing your faces.

What got into him?

Hocus Pocus, make this water go out of focus.

make so much noise sound like a bunch of horses coming down the stairs? You

frighten me.

Dad, you were trying to do my trick, weren't you?

No. Yes, you were.

The trick can only be done by the great Houdini.

Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

Oh,

Cliff. You have to know everything.

Can't there be some things in life you just experience without knowing how they

happen? Look.

This particular thing, I want to know. No.

Okay. Just telling you, things are going to get a little messy around here.

Because I'm going to keep attempting that until I find out how it works. And

just may attempt it over somebody's open attaché case.

Mom, Dad, we got to talk.

Okay.

What's up?

I think he made a big mistake letting Vanessa go out with Lyle Thompson.

He chases women.

Really?

Now, I know I've always presented Lyle to be a good guy, but I never told you

what he tells us in the locker room about the woman after he catches them.

What does he say?

You know.

I know.

You see, Lyle has had these experiences.

What kind of experiences?

The kind you don't want to talk about in front of your mother.

Boy, will you say what you have to say? Okay.

Mom, Dad, Lyle Thompson's going to lead your daughter down the road to

degradation.

Little Lyle.

The boy who cried when his mom was late picking him up from your birthday party.

Mom, that was eight years ago. He's a man now.

The guy knows what he's doing. He even joined the Latin club.

And that makes him a man?

Don't you see, Dad?

The Latin club is mostly girls. That's why he joined. He's always on the prowl,

and now he's prowling after your daughter. So we shouldn't let Vanessa go

with him anymore.

Well, not if you're worried about the reputation of your daughter and the

name.

If you let Vanessa go out with Lyle, it could hurt both of you professionally.

Well, thank you very much for your viewpoint.

But I want you to know we raised two older daughters.

prior to this one. So you aren't going to stop Vanessa from going out with

No, we know our daughters. We trust them to do the right thing.

Okay.

I just have one thing to say.

This is a sad day for the Huxable family.

What do guys talk about in the locker room?

Well, the usual thing, dear.

Recipe.

Different kinds of hairspray.

Nail polish.

You used to talk about women in the locker room, didn't you? Mm -hmm.

After a date, what did you say?

I told them she's intelligent, she's beautiful, she's sensitive, and she's my

equal.

And if Claire ever finds out, she'll kill me.

I think I should change.

Why?

Well, it's a nice outfit, but it doesn't go with my green notebook.

Well, then use your English notebook. It's red. I don't have any English

homework. Then just tear the pages out of your green notebook and put them in

the red notebook.

That's a great idea.

Janet, I am so glad you came over.

My pleasure.

So, tell me, what happened when you and Lyle got to the movies?

Well... Dad let us out at the theater. We went in, and Lyle bought the tickets.

Now, naturally, I offered to pay for my ticket, but he said, that's okay. You

can buy the popcorn.

I hope you bought a large tub so you could share.

Of course.

Lyle was such a gentleman.

He put my seat down for me, and there was popcorn in it, and he brushed it

The lights went out, and the movie started. We watched for a while, and

happened. What happened?

We both reached into the popcorn box at the same time.

And our hands touched.

We just sat there watching the rest of the movie with our hands in the popcorn

box.

Oh, that is so romantic.

Then Dad drove us home.

Now, Lila and I sat in the back seat, and Dad kept watching us through the

rearview mirror.

Hey, Theo.

Hey, Janet.

Uh, Vanessa, remember yesterday when I came in here and tried to forbid you to

see Lyle? Yes.

Well, I was wrong, and I apologize.

Apology accepted.

But I want you to know one thing.

Your name is being dragged through the mud.

By whom?

Well, everybody at school knows you two went out. You know how guys talk.

Vanessa, do you realize what this is doing to your reputation, not to mention

mine? What does this have to do with your reputation?

Well, if guys start talking about you and Lyle, it's going to reflect on me

because I'm your brother.

I might as well be dating Lyle.

Oh, so it's not me you're worried about, it's yourself you're worried about.

Hey, Vanessa, I'm a popular guy at that school.

I'm a senior.

I don't want to go down to flames with you.

Well, in that case, I better tell you what Lyle and I are going to do this

afternoon.

What?

We're not really going to the library.

We're going to a motel.

And after today, I'm going to dump Lyle and start dating all your friends.

After she's done, I'm going to date them.

You guys think this is real funny, huh? Yes.

All right, Vanessa.

You know, I've tried to appeal to your sense of decency, but you scoffed at me.

Now, I really forbid you. Did you hear him? You scoffed at me.

Theo, you're starting to sound like an old person.

I don't care.

But if you want to go out on this date with Lyle, you have to get past me.

Please, Theo, will you get out of here?

No, Vanessa, I'm serious.

Come on, Theo, move.

Vanessa, don't even try. You're not getting past me.

I don't move.

Vanessa, no, you can't go in there. Ow!

Stop it!

Stop it!

Dad,

let me tell you what's going on. I don't want to know. But, Dad, you're a

father. You're supposed to jump in the middle of this, ask us what's wrong, and

solve our problem. Yeah, well, it doesn't work that way today, okay?

I'm tired.

Goodbye.

All right, I'm leaving, but I want you to know one thing.

Next time, I'm not going to be so easy on you.

Oh, it's you.

Well, I guess you're not going to invite me in, so would you tell Vanessa I'm

here? You might as well come in. Everything else went wrong today.

Vanessa, your date is here.

I'll be right down.

Don't try anything with Vanessa. She's tough.

Why would I want to try anything?

I really like your sister.

Hey, I heard you guys laughing in the locker room today.

You must have said something about her.

Well, I did, but I didn't say anything different from what I usually say.

Well, I know what you usually say.

If you said that about my sister, then you were lying.

Theo, what was I supposed to do?

If I had come into that locker room and told the guys the truth about my date

with Vanessa, that I'd open the door for her?

That we only held hands in the movie? That I didn't even kiss her goodnight?

They would have called me a wimp. But that was my sister you were talking

Yeah, I know.

But what if it wasn't your sister?

And I told you the true story about some other girl?

What would you say?

I'd say you're a wimp.

See, you talk about girls a lot, too.

Don't you ever bend the truth a little?

No, man. I stand behind everything I've ever said.

What about that story you told about Lana Herman?

When you said you were in your bedroom with her the whole day?

Absolutely true.

And you said the reason you were feeling so weak is because of what happened in

that bedroom.

You know, Theo, I never told you this before, but I ran into Lana Herman the

next day in school.

You did?

Yeah, and she happened to mention that she was keeping you company because you

had the flu.

She also said your mom was in there the whole time and that the two of them fed

you soup and helped you put together a jigsaw puzzle.

So? I didn't lie?

I said I was weak from being in my room all day.

Theo, let's face it. You are a wimp.

I know, but you are too.

Hi, Lyle.

Hi, Lyle. Hey, Janet.

Hi, Vanessa.

These are for you.

Oh, thank you.

They're beautiful.

Would you put this in water for me? Oh, sure.

Thank you. Well, I guess we should go.

Yeah, I guess so. I'm ready.

Bye, Janet.

Bye, Theo.

Bye. See you all later.

You know, Theo, now that one of your friends is going out with Vanessa, maybe

you'd be interested in going out with one of Vanessa's friends.

He's about my size, the same color eyes as mine.

Well, you know, Janet, I would, but I'm afraid of what you girls would say

behind my back.

We wouldn't say anything that you guys wouldn't say.

Then we're never going out.

How's that ice cream?

Good. Chocolate's my favorite. Yes, indeed. Would you like some more hot

chocolate on top?

No, thanks.

What about some chopped nuts?

Chopped nuts.

Good old chopped nuts.

Thank you.

All right.

You know, I was really amazed at how you were doing all that magic.

But, you know, I think that a magician is only as good as his or her assistant.

Is that so? Oh, yes. Now, I have nothing against Mamina, but what you need is

someone who can give you that flair, that, you know, ta -da, someone who can

divert the audience's attention so that you can do your thing.

Well, you know that can do that.

Mom told me that you want to be a magician.

Really? She said it's all right. Well, good. In order to make this a crack duo,

I will have to know how the trick works with the glass

and the milk. I don't do that trick anymore.

Oh. I'm learning a new trick, but you can help me with it.

Okay, what is it?

Drawing my assistant in half.

No, no, you're not sawing me in half. I'm not going for that.

Okay, then you'll help me with the disappearing caterpillars.

Disappearing caterpillars? How's that work?

First, my assistant has to take the caterpillars out of this.

Okay, so we got the caterpillars here, right? So then I just...

The end.

The Cosby Show was taped before a studio audience.