Original subtitles

Thank you.

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Sandra, I'm sure that Elvin only said that because he was upset. What did you

say to him?

Sounds like you were kind of upset, too.

Honey, you had a fight, so what?

Baby, don't worry about that. Married couples have fights, you know.

Sure.

If you want to talk about this some more, we'll always be here.

Yeah.

I love you, too.

Bye -bye.

Sandra and Elvin had a fight, huh?

Yeah. Yeah, the first fight.

That brings back memories.

You make that sound like those are happy memories.

Well, no, no, I was just thinking about how silly it was.

Now it seems silly, but I remember at the time we were pretty shaken up. Well,

how's Tondra taking it?

She's pretty shaken up.

She said Elvin went for a walk and he's been gone for over an hour.

This is Elvin.

Hi, Mom. Hi, Dad.

How's your dad taking the walk?

Beautiful day for a walk. Sure is.

A day like this, you can walk your troubles away. Not that I have any.

So, everything's going well?

Absolutely.

Tremendous. Life is great. I sang all the way here. Sandra calls.

Oh, we had such a terrible fight.

It was a blowout. Our whole relationship's over.

Gone forever.

Get a hold of yourself, boy.

Help and everything will be all right.

It was over such a... Stupid thing, too.

You see, I've been working every night at the wilderness store, and it was my

turn to do the dishes.

Well, I mean, that's why I was so tired. So anyway, I said to Sandra, Sandra,

dear, could you please do them for me? I'm so tired, honey, please.

And she said, well, I've been working a double shift at the restaurant. I'm just

as tired as you are. So I said, well, muffin, you're probably not as tired as

am. So she said, well, yes, I am. I said, well, no, you're not.

So anyway, Dad, we were fighting over...

Who was more tired?

One thing led to another, and finally she said, I should have listened to my

parents. When we were dating, they said that I should find someone else.

Now, that can't be true, can it?

Can it?

Oh, Elvin, wait a minute. Now, stop. Leave that jacket where it is.

Now, you have to remember, when you and Sandra first started going out, you

really weren't getting along that well.

So, we...

We sort of suggested that maybe she should explore some other possibilities.

Since you and Elvin have broken up, why don't you take this opportunity to call

somebody else?

There is no one else.

Sondra, please. There is someone else who's intelligent with a good sense of

humor. I can't think of anyone.

Don't you have some friends who could tell you about somebody?

Well, there is this guy that my friends keep telling me I should meet.

Call him.

Call him.

Dad, he goes to Oberlin. That's in Ohio.

We'll fly him in.

Well, he is from New York. Well, then he may be home this weekend, so call him.

No, I'll have to think about it. Call this boy.

And you get his number and you call him and you apologize and tell him you're

sorry you waited so long before you called.

I don't care. Just call the boy. That's all. Call him.

Call the boy.

Please.

Of course, she never called him.

She did.

She never told me about him. Well, Elvin, it was only one date.

Griff invited him to dinner.

Dad!

I'm very hungry.

All I'll say, Elvin, is it's a lucky thing that you were on your way over

to pick up Sandra.

Dr. Huxbull, I want to thank you for having me over. You have a terrific

Yeah, uh, Daryl, you're failing.

Failing? Yes, but Sandra, you're not moving fast enough.

Excuse me?

You're supposed to be in there talking to my daughter. Now, you like her, don't

you? Well, from what I've known of her the last five hours, uh, she's

Very bright, attractive.

Well, then cut it!

Uh, look, Dr. Huxtable, it is a little awkward. I mean, this is our first date,

and the whole family has been around us.

And it's really not my style. I mean, I'm more of a slow mover.

You don't have time.

Why not?

Because he's coming.

Who's coming?

Alvin.

Who's Alvin?

Alvin is the fellow that she likes.

Oh. Then why am I here?

Because you're the fellow I like.

Dad, how could you do that to me? Different time, different Elvin.

That's right.

When you first started coming over here, Elvin, I, for one, had a bit of a

problem with your personal philosophies. What do you mean?

Well, remember that time I offered to get you some coffee?

Would you and Dr. Huxtable like some coffee?

Coffee? Yeah, coffee.

You mean you're going to get it?

Yeah. You're surprised?

I'm sorry, Mrs. Huxtable. I didn't think you did that kind of thing.

What kind of thing?

You know, serve.

Serve whom?

Serve him.

Oh, serve him. As in serve your man?

Well, yeah.

Let me tell you something, Elvis.

You see, I am not serving Dr.

Huxtable. Okay? Okay. That's the kind of thing that goes on in a restaurant.

Now, I'm going to bring him a cup of coffee just like he brought me a cup of

coffee this morning. And that, young man, is what marriage is made of. It is

give and take 50 -50. And if you don't get it together and drop these macho

attitudes, you are never going to have anybody bringing you anything, anywhere,

any place, anytime, ever.

Now, what would you like in your coffee?

Maybe I could get you some coffee.

Sorry, Elvin, but you deserved it.

Actually, you've been one of the more normal boyfriends we've met. Some of the

others have been a little strange.

I

see

you're watching the old music station.

You're into reggae, huh?

Yeah.

I'll see you.

I don't believe in grades.

You do?

Usually, people who don't believe in grades do so because of the grades

getting.

I get all A's.

But what is an A? I mean, what does it really mean?

I've been reading Socrates, and he believed that true learning comes from

observing the world.

Where can I get that book?

You don't read, son.

Maybe there's a movie about it.

Claire. Yes?

Did you tell Denise she could go out on a date tonight?

Yes, I did.

Well, have you seen the boy?

Yes, I have.

Well, how ugly is he?

I mean, four daughters keeps you busy when you're a father.

Especially if you're a father like Cliff.

See, he's always seen himself as the protector of his daughter.

Basically, you are rough.

No, I am not that rough, honey.

Well, what are you?

Well, the way I see it is I'm like Old Yeller.

You know that movie Old Yeller where the dog protected the home? It's my job to

protect the home.

So I have to bark.

Now, boys come by the house, and I bark.

Pretty soon, boys come by, and they say, Old Yeller lives up there.

And all I'm saying is that some good ones come by, and some bad ones come by.

That's who I am. Old Yeller. That's my job.

Cliff, you know, at the end of that movie, they shot Old Yeller.

I came over to visit your parents. They've been telling me about some of

Denise's boyfriends.

Yeah, they were weird.

Well, I was never surprised by the guys Denise brought over. Weird attracts

weird.

Denise just has an interesting way of expressing herself. There's no reason to

call her weird.

You're right, Mom.

Vanessa's the weird one.

Vanessa!

Come here.

Come here.

Here. Here.

Here.

See, there is there. This is here. Come here.

Dad, Denise pushed us out of the bathroom and threw the shampoos in

and she wouldn't let me rinse it off like Mom said to. And now Rudy might be

blinded for life.

If she is, can we get a dog?

Theo, you shouldn't call anyone in this house weird.

Okay, I'll just say we're all unusual.

Remember the time when I told you and Dad that I wanted to go out into the

world?

They decided to show me what the real world was like.

Hey, Dad, how you doing? Who?

Oh, I'm sorry. I mean, Mr. Landlord.

My name is Harley.

Harley Wewax.

We want to welcome you to the real world apartment.

Take a look at this.

As you can see, the woodwork here is all...

That's Millie Farquhar. She runs the Chuckwagon restaurant.

Howdy. Good one, Bob.

I'm sorry I mean Mrs. Farquhar.

Look forward to seeing you real soon.

Well, here comes Mrs.

Griswold.

She owns this building, but she drinks heavily.

That's pretty unusual.

Not for this house. You weren't around when Rudy was mourning the loss of her

goldfish.

We're here to say goodbye to a cherished friend.

Lamont Goldfish.

Daddy? Yes, dear?

I want to watch television.

Yeah. You see, we're having a funeral for your friend.

I want to watch TV now.

Me too.

Nobody is going to watch TV until the funeral is over. Is that clear?

If she doesn't want the funeral, maybe we shouldn't have it. We got dressed up

for this.

You want to talk to Lamont by yourself?

No, I want to use the bathroom.

I don't remember having a funeral.

Rudy, you probably don't even remember having a goldfish.

Well, I bet you don't remember getting your ear pierced. Yes, I do.

That was better.

I had it done Friday after school. That's great. It looks fantastic.

And you know what it says?

That I'm old enough to make my own decisions.

Wait, Theo, your ear looks red.

If I want to put an earring on my ear, that's my business.

Theo, it looks puffy.

When people see this, they're going to know they're dealing with a man.

There's no music coming through the headset.

You still bopping to what's left of your brain?

No, no.

Take the headset off, please.

I

sure

can't get up. can't it? Yeah.

Oh, you leave him alone, Cliff. Now, he's not the only male in this house who

makes mistakes.

Hi, dear.

Cliff, come here and look at this.

I want you to see what someone did. Take a look at that.

What? Now, did you see that someone has broken the handle off my favorite coffee

mug? You're kidding.

And do you know what they did after they broke it? They tried to glue it

together and put it away.

Somebody just took the thing and just glued it and then put it way back in the

cupboard, huh?

How'd you know it was in the cupboard, Cliff?

Because I just guessed that it would be way back in the cupboard. How did you

know it was way back in the cupboard?

Am I going to need a lawyer? I think so.

You broke my mug.

See, I tried to. I see what you tried to do with all this old tired -looking

glue all clumped up in here together like this.

Pieces missing, all chipped up glue on the inside of the cup. But see, I did

that on purpose.

Why? So that you would think that one of the children did it.

went to the children and accused them.

Right. And then they would have denied doing it. But I wouldn't have believed

them. That's right.

to put one over on mom oh p .o i wouldn't talk about you you've tried to

over on us a few times me yes you there's a certain designer shirt that

mind that when i wear this on my date with christine oh she is gonna die

does it again how much is it see the label gordon

gartrell this is the shirt gordon gartrell is a big designer how

one quality, you're going to have to pay for it.

$95.

Oh, well, there must be a pair of pants in there, too.

See you.

I don't have a $95 shirt, and I have a job.

Don't you want something better for your son?

Sure. You want to trade your room for that shirt?

No. All right, then.

The shirt goes back.

But, Dad, I told Christine I was getting a Gordon Gartrell.

You tell Christine you lied.

Dad.

No 14 -year -old... old boy should have a $95 shirt unless he is on

stage with his four brothers.

Then Denise promised Theo she could make him a shirt just like that one for $30.

Did she?

Well, she came close.

Come talk to me.

Me?

I'm a little nervous about the shirt. I need company. Okay.

Anything. Uh, Jan and Martha got a new bike today. It's really great.

Of course.

question again.

You don't like it? Look at these sleeves.

My arms are the same length. Where are my sleeves?

This collar's all crazy and it's thin because it's so big.

Maybe you can touch it in a little more.

It's tucked into my throat.

Well, this has been very helpful hearing about your family.

I feel like I understand Sandra better.

But why didn't you tell me all this before we got married? Well, because we

afraid you might not show up for the wedding.

Hi,

everybody. Hi, Vanessa. Hi, Elvin. Hi.

How did you know you were coming over today?

Well, it was so beautiful out, I thought I'd take a little walk. You walked

here? Elvin, you live 70 miles away.

What's wrong with that? A married man can take a long walk if he likes.

Sandra just didn't want to come with me. But Sandra likes to walk.

Okay, we had a fight.

You got it out of me.

Elvin, when people are married, they're going to have fights.

You mean you and Dad have them? Oh, yes, we do.

And over the silliest things. Like the time my friend's wife passed away and he

started to date a younger woman?

Cliff, I just want you to know that if I die, you have my permission to marry

again.

I have your permission?

Yes.

You're dead.

I want you to find a woman who can make you happy and help take care of the

kids.

Thank you.

Would you?

Would I what?

If I died, would you marry again?

Well, talk about it when it happens.

We can't talk about it then.

Okay.

No, the answer is no, I wouldn't. Under no circumstances, if I died, would you

marry again? You would be single forever.

Yes.

Would you date somebody?

No, I wouldn't.

Okay, Cliff, I'm dead. I'm gone.

And you're still in the bed with me?

What if you met a gorgeous international type of beauty?

Not interested.

What if you met a woman who could sing jazz?

And can sketch.

Like Ella Fitzgerald? You see.

Not my type.

Then what is your type?

You.

Okay, say you met me.

You're dead.

But there's somebody out there just like me.

You're dead?

Gone.

Okay, now you're not coming back, are you?

No, I'm... You're not coming back. I'm not coming back. So you're dead. I'm

dead. And then I bump into this woman and she looks exactly like you. Exactly.

And you're dead.

Oh, boy.

Okay. So then what I would do is I would call her up.

And I would ask her if she would go out on a date with me. And then I would

court her and I would send her flowers and I would call her.

And I would introduce her to the children. And then I would marry her and

her in here.

Would you keep my picture up?

Well, dear, I don't have to keep your picture up because she looks exactly

you.

Good night, Cliff. You need some sleep.

What is it? What is the matter with you? You're not

going to keep my picture up?

Yes, I'll keep your picture up, dear. Where are you going to keep it?

Out in the hallway.

I'll put it in the closet.

Oh, sorry.

Where? I'll put it over the bed. A blow -up over the bed, Cliff. I want a blow

-up over the bed. With lights?

Yes. Yes.

What are you going to do with my clothes?

I'll wear them.

I'll wear them.

Just be sure you don't let her wear them.

Oh, no. No. What will the children call her, Cliff?

Lola. Ah!

That's what I love about our discussions. They are at such a high

level. But the part I like the most is making up afterwards.

It's amazing that you can still be so romantic after 23 years of marriage. Oh,

well, it isn't the 23 years that makes it amazing.

It's the five children.

If you're going to have five children, you better have a whole lot of stamina.

Let go of my hair, Vanessa!

Let go!

What's going on in there?

Fight! Fight!

Stop. Stop. Stop.

No, come on. Come on. Stop.

Stop. Look, the two of you...

Dad's taking out the clothes as fast as he can.

Okay, here we go.

I didn't know they were hooked to her, Dad.

All right, got the bucking horse now. We have the championship. We're going for

the last time around. Here comes our challenge.

the first two times out, but I know this time that she's going to do well. All

right, you know the rules. Arms sideways.

All right, we're riding.

And the horse looks like arms to the side. Now, you're just falling off, and

there she goes.

She's doing it, and the horse...

to study for the test.

Dad, they won't throw him at you.

Please, Dr. Huxtable.

Step out of the way.

Thanks, Dad.

Now,

Dad, we were laughing with you, not at you. Yeah, liar.

Elvin, if you're going to become a parent, it takes more than just physical

stamina. It helps if you have mental stamina.

But Dad has said I have germs.

What kind do I have?

Oh, yeah. Well, see, you have... You have the tryptophanas.

Tryptophanas? See, the tryps, as they like to call themselves, they hang

water fountains and glasses and things like that, and they just keep saying,

Hey, where's the party?

I love to party.

I just love to just get inside of a young body and just...

because you're young and you're cute.

And they go inside your body and they say, hmm, this is a lovely place to

And they start moving around all fast, you know, hmm, this is a hot party.

And they bumped into the corpuscles and they did the boogie down.

Party, party, party.

Party, party, party. Mommy does the airplane.

Well, what? You want a single engine or a jet?

Open up and raise your voices.

No problem.

See, I'm not going to college.

Damn right.

I am going to get through high school and then get a job like regular people.

Regular people?

Yeah, you know, who work in a gas station, drive a bus, something like

So what you're saying is your mother and I shouldn't care if you get D's because

you don't need good grades to be regular people.

Right.

Okay. Oh.

Suppose you graduate from high school. Let's say you just slide by.

All right. Now, you've got to find a job.

Now, what kind of salary do you expect for a regular person?

$250 a week.

$250 a week? Yeah. Sit down.

I'm going to give you $300 a week. Yes, indeed.

$300 a week, $1 ,200 a month.

All right? Great. I'll take it. Yes, you will. And I will take $350

for taxes.

Whoa. Huh?

Yeah. Now, because, see, the government comes for the regular people first.

Now, how much does that leave you with?

$850. All right.

Now, you've got to have an apartment because you are not going to live here.

So, an apartment in Manhattan will run you at least $400

a month.

I'll live in New Jersey.

All right.

You live in New Jersey, you've got to have a car.

I ride a motorbike.

You need a helmet.

Figure $100 a month for clothes and shoes.

Figure $200. I want to look good.

Okay, so what does that leave you with? $200.

So, no problem.

There is a problem. You haven't eaten yet.

I can get by on bologna and cereal.

So I got everything I need, plus $200 left for the month.

You plan to have a girlfriend?

For sure.

You're a doctor and Mom's a lawyer. And you're both successful and everything,

and that's great.

But maybe I was born to be a regular person and have a regular life.

If you weren't a doctor, I wouldn't love you less.

Because you're my dad.

And so, instead of acting disappointed because I'm not like you,

maybe you can just accept who I am and love me anyway because

I'm your son.

Dumbest thing I've ever heard in my life.

You know, when you get D's in everything.

Now, you are afraid to try because you're afraid that your brain is going

explode and it's going to ooze out of your ear.

Now, I'm telling you, you are going to try as hard as you can.

And you're going to do it because I said so.

I brought you in this world, and I'll take you out.

You know,

I've really enjoyed this. Someday, if Sandra and I do have a family, I hope we

can sit around and talk as openly and freely as you do.

Elvin, we've always encouraged our children to tell us anything and

Mom, I remember a discussion we had where you didn't seem so happy to hear

we had to say.

Now, this is serious now. Your father and I want to know that you feel you can

really come to us.

Yeah. About anything?

Yeah.

Okay. Okay. Let me give you an example. All right?

Let's say that one of you became pregnant.

Dad!

No, no, I'm serious.

Hey. I know it's not me.

Okay, let's say it's you.

Me? Let's say that you are pregnant, okay?

Now, what are you going to do?

Well, first, I want to find out who did it.

You didn't find out.

You didn't find out.

Now, what would you do? Could you guys help me on this one?

Don't look at me.

Don't even think of looking at me.

No, no, no. Come on, come on. Help your brother now.

Well, I guess I'd be scared, wouldn't I?

Definitely. Very definitely.

Well, Dad, if I was scared, I would probably go to a friend first.

If you become pregnant, you would go to cockroach?

Dad, you didn't be honest.

I know I didn't be honest.

I'm just amazed at the fact that you would go to cockroach and not come to

Well, Dad, I would be afraid we'd get mad.

Mad?

I'm not going to get mad.

Yeah. I wouldn't get mad.

Dad, you can say that now because it hasn't happened.

Yeah, but I'm telling you that I wouldn't get mad. Now, when I say I

get mad, I mean I wouldn't get mad. You understand?

Now look, there is nothing more important to us than your health and

-being. Well, sit up in there and tell me I get mad.

And if you've got a problem, we want to know about it so we can help you.

I mean, I know when I'm mad about something.

Okay, Dad.

Okay what?

In the first place, let's get things straightened out.

Dogs get mad.

Human beings get angry.

Okay, Dad, okay.

So if you promise that you're not going to get angry, maybe we should give you

some examples.

Go ahead.

Okay. Say Vanessa comes to you and she tells you that she's been secretly

a boy who's 17.

Oh!

Way to go, Vanessa.

Well, first of all, first of all, I think that I would not get angry because

came to us.

No, we wouldn't get angry, but we would get serious, very serious.

And we would sit Miss Vanessa down and have a long talk.

But I didn't do anything.

I'm not seeing anybody secretly.

Well, there's Robert, but he's only 12.

Please, you stay careful without me in it, okay?

Okay. All right, Mom.

I got one for you.

Okay.

Now, remember when I spent the night at Jeanette's house a couple weeks ago?

Yes, I do.

Okay, well, um...

I didn't really spend the night at Jeanette's. I spent it at Tommy

what?

Why didn't Mr.

and Mrs. Watkins call us and tell us about it? They were on vacation.

They were?

You spent the night at Tommy Watkins' house and his parents were not there?

Yeah. We didn't do anything.

Are you angry?

I'm mad.

I was just kidding.

That was a good one. I made it up. I did.

Is it true?

You need someone to talk to you. I was kidding.

I was kidding.

I spent the night at Jeanette's. You could call her mom and ask her.

I think that what we have to understand is that

we're going to get angry.

But what we're hoping for...

is that you all would still come to us if you have any problems as

opposed to going to other people. I mean, we love you. And I don't think

anybody can care for you with the love that we have.

No one cares more than your mother and me.

Okay? Okay.

Well, I am certainly glad we had this little talk.

And now I'm going upstairs.

I'm going to call Jeanette's mother.

I was kidding!

Must make you sad that only three of your children are still living at home.

Elvin, your children grow up and they go away to college, and yes, you do miss

them a lot.

That's why I'm going to keep on living right here.

No, son, we want to experience the joy of missing you.

Elvin. Hi, Sandra.

What are you doing here with my family? We had a fight.

You're supposed to be with your parents.

Well, I went over there, but nobody was home.

Are you still angry with me?

No. I feel pretty good about things now.

You do?

Sure. Every married couple has to have a first argument and I think ours was a

pretty mild one.

You mean the fight's over?

Of course.

Oh, and when the Huxtables get married, they stay married for a long time.

That's right. It runs in the family.

We figure after 49 years of marriage, perhaps the two of you need a little

romantic inspiration.

Okay, now here we go.

The show is taped before a studio audience.