Original subtitles

Thank

you.

Thank you.

home yet?

No. Are we going to be late for Vanessa's play?

We better not be. I'll give him three more minutes, then we're going to leave

without him.

Ah, my fine fellow patrons of the arts, are we ready for a rousing evening of

musical theater?

Yeah! All right.

Cliffio isn't here yet. Did you tell him to come straight home after that cross

-country meet?

Yeah, I told him six o 'clock, but maybe the meet ran late.

Okay, well, I'll write him a note to tell him we left, and we really should

going. There you go.

to be left in the place.

We're going to whistle at her when we see her on stage.

No, no, you can't whistle. Please, sit down, all three of you. Let me tell you

something about when you go to the theater.

You must comport yourself in the proper manner. Do you understand?

You sit tall like this when you're at the theater.

Yes. Relax a little. That's it. And when we see something we like, we don't,

that's all, we don't stamp our feet. We paw like this.

And when we say bravo.

Bravo.

Fantastic.

Fantastic.

Marvellous.

Marvellous. I say.

I say.

Okay, Cliff, I finished the note.

Bye.

I'm sorry we had trouble coming off of the crack meet. Yeah, it was a mess.

We were about to leave you. Let's go.

Okay. Wait, wait, wait. Where are you going? Your mother said we're leaving.

Yeah, but can we get something to eat first?

Doesn't the coach take the whole team to Circus Burger after every meet?

Yeah, but we're still hungry.

Starved. All right, you've got five seconds to grab something out of there

you can have in the car, and then let's go.

And I'm counting. One.

Now, how can those boys just come from Circus Burger and still be hungry? Dear,

you run two and a half miles. You need... Something to supplement the

on, you guys. Let's go. We're going to be late.

I'm glad you didn't give him ten seconds.

Ladies and gentlemen, introducing the first lady of musical theater, the

inimitable, the indestructible, the unsinkable Dame Vanessa Vegetables.

I have seen many, many productions of South Pacific, but this was by far my

favorite. Thank you. I had no idea there was so much talent in your ninth grade

class.

Thank you, Mom. It's just too bad you missed the first part of my song, Theo.

Vanessa, I already said it. I'm sorry I made us late. I did everything I could

to get home on time. I even left Circus Burger without eating.

But you walked in in the middle of my only number, just as I was saying,

Pourquoi? Pourquoi?

Vanessa, it was in French. Nobody cared what you were saying anyway.

Wait, we've had a wonderful evening. Let's not ruin it. All right, Dad. I'm

going upstairs to take my makeup off. Thank you. Can I watch?

Oh, sure. I'll tell you what it's like being adored by hundreds of people.

I'm going to get something cold to drink.

Son, take it easy on us. We only have five quarts of milk and two gallons of

juice left.

My head.

What? Oh, my head.

I don't mind having to listen to some 14 -year -old singing and dance, but when

they pick up a musical instrument there, it tears me apart.

It sounded like somebody had sat back on a rocking chair and caught 18 cats by

the tail.

You know, Chris, you just said something that's got me puzzled. Huh? Well, now,

when Phil... came home this evening. He was 15 minutes late. He told us he had

eaten at Circus Burger, but he was still hungry. Just now he told Vanessa that

he didn't eat anything after the track meet. Dear, I told you, you run two and

half miles and all the oxygen doesn't get to your brain.

Sometimes you can't remember if you ate.

I think there's something else going on here besides a lack of oxygen, and I'm

going to ask him about it. But dear, what about my head?

It'll be here when I get back.

Well, I don't know about that.

It might go upstairs.

Theo.

Don't worry, Mom. I'll save some for breakfast.

Thank you.

Theo, didn't you tell us that you had eaten at Circus Burger?

Well, no. I told you we went to Circus Burger. I didn't say anything about

eating. You were at Circus Burger and you didn't eat anything?

Well, I couldn't. Coach told everyone to get on the bus before we got our

burgers. Well, that sounds odd. Why would the coach make everybody get on

bus before they could get anything to eat?

Well, they didn't do it to everybody. Only some of us didn't get to eat. How

many? Two.

Me and Cockroach.

Hey, Theo.

Come here.

Come here.

Yeah? Only you and Cockroach?

Yeah, it was strange.

You see, Cockroach and I were in line waiting for our burgers. When all of a

sudden Coach comes in and yells, everybody, that's it. Get your things.

getting out of here.

Well, that doesn't sound like proper behavior for a coach.

Well, I know, Dad.

But you see, this is kind of a difficult time for him right now. It is?

Yeah. You see, some of the guys on the team are saying that he's having

problems. You know, husband and wife stuff.

So I guess it all just built up until he just lost his mind.

Well, do you think we ought to call somebody who can talk to the coach?

Well, no. I wouldn't do that. You see, coach is still doing a great job, and we

all feel loyal to him. We're willing to wait until he gets over his emotional

problems. I see.

Well, I'm beat. Good night.

Mm -hmm.

Cliff, there is something going on here. And Theo's not telling us the whole

story.

If you don't mind, as far as I'm concerned, the boy was 15 minutes late.

know. To a father, he was just 15 minutes late.

But to a mother, why was he late?

Mr. Loken?

Right, your principal.

Did you tell Mom and Daddy he called?

No. Good.

You must be in big trouble.

You didn't tell them, okay?

And please don't tell anybody about this.

Hello, everybody.

Hi, Mom. Hello.

Were there any phone calls?

Yes, there was one for you.

Thank you. And one I'm not supposed to tell you about.

You can keep that one for yourself, but who called me?

Aunt Sarah. She said she'd call you back later.

Okay, thank you.

How'd I do?

Good, thanks.

But I just hope Mom doesn't look at the refrigerator.

Why? That's where I left the message for you that Mr. Lucas called.

Hi, Mom.

Hi. How's the water?

Good. Good.

I think I'm going to get something cold to drink.

I'll get it for you. No, I'll get it. Drink your water.

Hi, son.

Hey, Dad.

I was crack practice today.

Oh, good. Excellent.

Coach behave himself today?

Yeah, he was fine.

Oh, by the way, Theo, did you get the message that Mr. Lukens called for you?

Who? That message that you just stuck in your pocket.

Oh, yeah.

Thanks. Mr. Lukens, the principal?

What's that call about?

I don't know, Dad.

Maybe he wants to tell you that you've made the honor roll.

Maybe he wants to tell you that he wants you to speak at the graduation.

Hey.

Theo, could this call be in any way related to your lateness yesterday?

You know, I know what it is.

Coach got in trouble for what he did at Circus Burger, and Mr. Lucas is calling

me to check the story.

Well, then you should call him back on his phone right now.

This phone?

Yeah, I mean, there's no reason why you wouldn't want to use this phone, is

there? Well, no, but it's a Saturday, and it's Mr. Lucas' day off.

Theo, if anything happened yesterday, now would be a very good time to tell us

about it.

But there's nothing to tell you.

So you're saying we know everything that we should know?

About yesterday.

Yes, you know everything you should know about yesterday.

You're sure?

Mom, why are you all of a sudden so suspicious of me? I mean, I was a couple

minutes late.

I don't get it. You know, I'm 17. You know, I'm an adult.

And you're treating me like I'm some kid.

Theo is not telling us the whole truth, and I'm going to find him out. He wants

to be treated like an adult?

Okay, I'll treat him like he's an adult.

What are you going to do?

You will see.

Hey, I'm an adult. You can tell me.

You'll see when you're supposed to see.

I'm 50 years old.

Hey, Dad.

Hope you two are hungry tonight.

Decided to make a special dinner for you. Really? Yeah.

Pancakes, french fries, bacon burger dogs.

Whoa, for dinner? Count me in.

Yes, indeed.

Why are you doing all this? Well, son, I have a feeling that your life is going

to change very soon.

I want you to remember the good things about living here.

Oh, okay.

Theo, just the person I'm looking for.

What's up?

Well, See, I'm still having a hard time with yesterday.

You know, your lateness, the circus burger and everything. So I thought

and I said, well, one way for me to get to the bottom of all this would be for

me to call Mr. Lukens myself.

Did you?

No.

Because I realized that's not the way we do things in this family.

Well, you know, I'm glad, Mom, because I know some parents who will call other

people to check on their kids and it kind of tears the family apart.

But, Theo, I am still having a hard time understanding exactly what happened.

So you leave me with no choice.

Here. What's this?

Summoned? Brilliant.

You, the defendant, Theodore Aloysius Huxtable, are directed to appear in the

family court of Brooklyn, located in the Huxtable living room, where you will be

tried before a jury of your peers.

Come on, is this a joke?

No.

What's the charge?

Read on.

You were charged with the telling of half -truth and other crimes against

parents.

Magnificent.

You're putting Theo on trial?

Yes. Okay, this is unbelievable.

You guys come up with the craziest things to do here. I love this house.

Walter, I'm so happy that you feel that way. This is for you.

What's this? That is your subpoena to appear in court as a witness.

You can't do this to me. My last name isn't Huxtable. You know something? You

are right.

I should call your parents and ask their permission.

No, no. I'll be happy to join in the fun.

Good. Then I'll see you two gentlemen in court at 3 p .m. sharp.

Welcome to the family, Walter.

Mom is definitely furious.

Are you sure we can handle this?

After all those courtroom shows we've seen on TV, man, we're solid.

Good afternoon, Mr. Huxtable, Mr. Bradley.

Uh -oh, she called us mister. We're dead.

No, no, no.

She's just trying to rally you. Chill out. With me as your attorney, you have

nothing to worry about.

Now in session, we'll be hearing the case of the family versus Theodore

Huxtable. All rise and stand for the judge, please.

No, I object.

I don't want to get on the judge's bad side right from the start.

I apologize, Your Honor.

I'm very pleased you're our judge.

Just make sure it doesn't happen again.

Yes, Your Honor.

Bailiff, bring in the jury.

Jury.

better object now.

Are you kidding? This is perfect. I know exactly what to say to kids. I'll play

them like violin.

The court will come to order.

Jury, first you will hear from Mrs. Claire Huxtable, attorney for the

prosecution. Mom. Thank you. Lady and gentlemen of the jury, I hope to prove

beyond a shadow of a doubt that this young man, Theodore Aloysius Huxtable,

been knowingly and shamelessly telling his parents half -truths and other

deceptions. Is that clear?

When do we get to say Theo is guilty?

I'm not guilty.

Truly, Theo is not guilty. He's innocent.

He is? Yes, absolutely.

You see, in order for Theo to be guilty, I have to give you enough evidence to

prove that. Innocent until proven guilty. That is the basic privilege of

citizen of the United States.

I like that.

I like that.

Bailiff, I will not tolerate such outbursts in my courtroom. Is that

Is there an opening comment from the defense?

Don't bury me. It's under control.

Lady and gentlemen of the jury, I just have one question for you here today.

Why are we here?

Because Theo was late.

Precisely. But, I mean, is being late such a big crime?

Haven't we all been hassled by our parents for no reason at all?

Have you ever been out in your backyard having fun, doing something you really

like to do, and then your parents come out and say, stop doing that?

Yeah. Yeah. I hear you. And how?

How many times have we been talking with our friends about important things like

toys, clothes?

and makeup.

And we come in a few minutes late, and our parents have to listen and say,

have you been?

Go to your room, lady and gentlemen of the jury.

It's not just Theodore Huxtable who's on trial here today. It's all children.

And you, as the jury, have the chance to put an end to this harassment of

children everywhere.

So let my client go free, and we can all go out and get some ice cream.

Yay!

Can we go to the mall? I object, Your Honor.

Mr. Bradley's last comment was clearly made to bribe everybody.

Now, may I remind you that your first responsibility is to this trial.

You're right, Mom. I'm sorry.

Uh, jury, there will be no ice cream after the trial.

I'm a mayor!

I'm a new judge!

Would the prosecuting attorney like to call her first witness? Thank you. I'd

like to call her to stand Heathcliff Huxtable.

Me? Yes! Yeah, I'm the bailiff. You should call somebody else.

I know, but you're also my surprise witness.

I don't want to be the surprise witness.

You ought to make him take the stand.

Bailiff, you have an attitude problem.

Now, this is the second time I've had to warn you, take the stand.

Please, Daddy.

Do you plan to tell the truth? So sit down.

Dr. Huxtable, what is your relationship to the accused?

It's my son.

For nearly 18 years.

And would you say that mostly he's been a good son?

Oh, yeah.

He's all right.

Just yes or no will do?

Yes.

Thank you. On the 21st day of this month, did you tell your son how

that it was that he come home on time?

Yes. And since he did not come home on time, would you say that something out

the ordinary must have occurred?

Yes. Thank you. No further questions.

Dr. Huxtable, you may not leave the stand until I say step down.

Well, say step down.

I can't. You have to be cross -examined.

You're a witness, cockroach.

Cockroach?

Now, Dr. Huxtable, do you know why your son went out for the cross -country

team?

Uh, the... May I remind you, you're under oath.

Why did your son go out for the cross -country team?

I know I'm under oath. Isn't it true that you were so desperate to have your

on the team that you promised him if he finished the season, you'd buy him a

car?

Cliff. Answer the question, please. Hey, boy, let me tell you something.

Answer the question.

Come on, Dad.

Yes, I promised my son a car if he went out for the team.

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I submit.

that if Theo had never joined the team, he would have not been late on that

fateful night.

And he only joined the team because his father promised him a car.

Therefore, I conclude that if any crime was committed, it was committed by this

man. He's the guilty one.

No further questions. I rest my case.

You're going to rest something else later, Sporty.

Reporter, if you would not like to call to the stand, Mr. Theodore Huxtable,

please. Theodore Huxtable to the stand.

Do you promise to say it? I did. There you go.

Mr. Huxtable, did you tell me yesterday that your coach was having domestic

problems? Yeah. Where did you hear this?

From a reliable source on the team.

Who? Cockroach.

So you heard from your teammate, Cockroach, that your coach was having

problems? Well, yeah. You see, he read that when you have domestic problems,

take it out on other people.

The coach is always taking things out on us. So you have no personal knowledge

of the coach having domestic problems?

Well, no.

Okay, so then what you told me wasn't a lie, but not exactly the truth.

Well... Let's go to another subject, Mr. Huxtable. Circus burgers. Would it be

fair to say that you love circus burgers?

Not as much as I love my parents.

My sisters.

And their friends.

But you do love them?

Well, yes.

If you can love a hamburger.

Then you should have been very excited when the cross -country team went to

Circus Burger yesterday.

Yes. When the bus pulled up, did you and Walter rush in?

Yes. Were you first in line?

Well, no. You see, we're not the fastest guys on the team, so we ended up being

in the middle.

But, Mr. Huxtable, you told me yesterday that you and Walter were the only two

team members who didn't get a chance to eat their burgers.

Yeah. Well, how is it that the team members behind you got their burgers and

didn't get yours?

They're animals.

They'll do anything to get a circus burger.

And you wouldn't? Well, not if it means being impolite.

Excuse me, Mr. Huxtable. Last week, I saw you push your father aside and step

your little sister to get in front of the circus burger line.

Oh, yeah, but I was hungry.

You were not hungry yesterday?

Well, I was, but not... Something prevented you.

From getting your circus burger.

Something out of the ordinary. What was that something?

Uh... Did you run out of money?

No. Did you suddenly become vegetarian?

No. Did you forget how to order?

No. Did your feet fall asleep?

Were you standing in a milkshake -only line?

Or were you tackled by the circus burger clown?

Mom, stop.

Come on. I'm not some criminal. I'm your kid.

No, you're not.

You told me to treat you like an adult.

Well, is this how you treat adults? When I take them to court, yes.

Now, are you going to tell me the whole truth, or do I begin to play rough?

Okay, I'll talk.

Now, we didn't mean any harm by this, Mom.

And if we knew this was going to happen, we never would have done it.

What did you do?

Well, there was this girl behind the counter, and she was kind of overweight.

And Cockroach and I were making jokes about her. But we didn't think she could

hear us.

But some other guys on the team started laughing, so we started telling more

jokes.

And by the time we got to the front of the line...

She was crying.

I guess you overheard us.

And that's why your coach was yelling at you and made you get on the bus.

Yeah. He took everybody else home first, and he stopped the bus and gave me and

Cockroach a 20 -minute lecture.

And that's why you were late.

Yeah. So what did he say to you today at practice?

Well, we didn't go to track practice.

After the lecture, the coach took our uniforms.

So you're off the team.

Yeah. I'm sorry. I tried to keep it from your mom.

Theo. Is there anything else you're keeping from us? Like you're being sued

Circus Burger or you have a wife and child on the other side of town?

No, that's it.

There's nothing else.

Now, how many times do we have to tell you to tell us the truth no matter what

it is?

Because when you don't tell the truth, your life falls apart.

I mean, look at you. The past couple of days you've been around here scrambling,

backpedaling, covering your tracks, giving all this deception.

None of this would have ever happened, Theo, if you had just told us everything

from the beginning. And, honey, that's what I'm trying to get through to you.

Do you understand?

Yeah. Does everybody here understand?

Huh?

Rudy, were you listening to me?

Yeah. Okay, what did I say?

I don't know.

Now, tell your sister what I said.

Oh, Mom, I was concentrating on being a judge.

Anybody here today learn anything from all of this? Well, I did.

From now on, I'm going to tell the truth because I don't have enough money to

hire a good lawyer.

That's good enough for me.

I withdraw my charges and this trial is over. Oh, good.

Hey, we didn't get to say Theo's guilty.

Let's go get some ice cream.

Yay!

At the mall?

At the mall.

You know, Ma, I want you to know, the first thing in the morning... I'm going

go down to Circus Bergman and apologize to that girl.

Can I believe that?

Well, hey, I'm reformed.

Dr. Huxtable, I hope there are no hard feelings.

No, no, no.

You know, this was a rewarding experience for me here today.

Well, I'm glad to hear that.

You see, I always feel like I grow as a person when I'm in this house.

So I was hoping that whatever was brought up here today remains here.

You're telling me you don't want me to say anything to your parents?

Yeah, correct.

Did you understand anything that Mr. Tuxtable was trying to say?

About what?

That's what I thought.

Cosby Show was taped before a studio audience.