Original subtitles

Oye, por ahí viene Bill Cosby! Óyeme!

What are you doing?

Having breakfast.

I've got it!

What is that?

My free packet of snappers candy.

You ruined a whole box of cereal to get to the snappers?

I didn't ruin it. You did. You put your little grubby hands all in the food.

Don't touch it anymore.

Nobody's going to eat that.

I will.

Hey, Dad.

Oh, great, you opened a new box of cereal.

Did you find the snapper's candy?

What's up? Sure. Wait a minute, you know about this?

Yeah. How much does this box of cereal cost?

Uh, $1 .79. How many of those did you get?

Five. How much did five go into $1 .79?

Uh, it was somewhere around 35 cents or something.

So each one of these comes out to how much apiece?

35 cents apiece.

Now, when you go to the candy store, what do you pay for these things?

You get two for a penny.

Two for a penny.

But out of the box, there's 35 cents apiece. Now, what have we learned from

this?

Theo, will you play with me?

Rudy, today's Saturday. It's my day off.

I'll give you all my snacks.

Yes, if you do.

You mean you'll give me all five of these snappers just to play with you? Uh

-huh. Okay, come on, Rudy. You don't have to do that. I'll play with you

Just give me three of them.

Well, okay. That's a shame, Dr.

Bolden. Yeah. Well, I'll talk to somebody as soon as I can.

But that is a shame.

Bye -bye.

Honey, what's a shame?

They're cutting 30 people from the staff at the hospital.

Oh, that is terrible.

Yeah, but the main thing is they're cutting Mrs.

Granger. Who's she?

Mrs. Granger. You know, the nice lady I told you about does a fantastic job

cleaning up the doctor's lounge and gives us the cookies.

And leaves you the apples when you gain weight. Yes, yes, yes. I like that lady.

Well, they're letting her go and I'm not taking it. I'm going to talk to

somebody. That's not right.

Good for you.

Yeah. I'd love to sit here and talk to you about this, but I got to rush down

the office.

I'll be back this afternoon. Will you hurry home?

Cliff?

Yes?

Now, I bought this cereal for the children. What are you doing over here?

You're in here digging for those candies, aren't you?

Don't you eat this cereal. You put that cereal back.

Vanessa, did Rudy come through here?

Well, she wasn't here, but I don't see her now.

Gotcha, you're it.

Hey, hey, you guys better take it easy. You know how Mom and Dad feel about

horseplay. Vanessa, we're just playing the game of tag.

You're it.

I'm not playing. We're not supposed to do this kind of thing in the house.

you know you're going to get in trouble.

Vanessa, I promise Rudy I will play with her. Quit being such a downer.

Okay, have it your way.

Come on, Rudy, let's play in my room. We don't need Miss Killjoy.

Yeah, sour head.

Someday you'll appreciate me for my wisdom.

Well, that's what someday I'll be happy if I just appreciate you.

You're it.

Hi, Dad.

How you doing?

Did you go shopping?

Yeah.

Looks like you bought a lot.

Take your hand away.

Oh, Rudy, you look awful.

Oh, thanks a lot.

No, no, you don't look awful. You don't look awful. I want to see a doctor.

I am a doctor, okay? No, you're not. You're a daddy.

I understand. Okay.

I want Mommy. Mommy went away. She won't be back for a while. No, wait.

No, no, no. Come on. I got to look at it here.

No, no, I haven't touched you yet.

Okay, suppose I touch you the way Mommy taught me.

Okay. All right? Now, my hands are approaching your face. No, I haven't

you yet.

Come on, here. I'm putting my hand on top of your head, all right? And I'm

putting this one on top of the head. This one is free, all right?

Now, I'm coming in, just want to take a look at it. No, no, I haven't touched

you yet. I haven't touched you.

I'm touching your face, by the way.

Ow! No, no, it's too late now.

Okay, now, all you've done is you've scraped your face there.

I don't think any bones are broken.

You got a little cut there, an upper lip. Yes.

I'll get my bag, be back, clean you up. All right?

Okay.

Keep an eye on her.

I told you guys not to run in the house.

We weren't running.

Well, then how did it happen? It was an accident.

What were you doing?

Well, remember the tumblers we saw at the circus?

The ones that push people up in here with their feet and then catch them?

Instead, it was an accident.

Right, like the time when I was six and you made me be the human cannonball?

How was I supposed to know you were going to go that far?

What's the human cannonball?

Theo locked his hands in front of him. Then I put my foot in his hand. He yells

fire. He throws me straight up in the air.

I'm supposed to curl up in a ball and land on the bed.

Except Theo throws me over the bed and I land on the dresser.

You opened up. You weren't supposed to open up.

That was your fault. I yelled fire, and you panicked and started waving your

arms.

Judy, never listen to him. No matter how much fun he says you're going to have,

don't do it.

He's injured every girl in this house.

Look, one of these days, we're all going to get together, and we're going to

hurt you good.

Forget about that.

You've got to come up with an excuse.

What do you mean, an excuse?

Well, remember how much trouble we got into when Dad found out we were doing

human cannonball?

We got grounded for two weeks.

I don't want to get into trouble.

That's why we've got to be cool about this.

Wait, I got it.

If Dad asks what happened, we'll just say you fell off the bed.

Which is sort of true because you bounced off the bed right after you hit

wall.

Wait a minute. You've got to come up with more than that. What if Dad asked

Rudy was doing when she fell off the bed?

How about if we say she was reaching for a book and she slipped?

What do you mean, we say?

I'm not saying anything. I'm just an advisor.

Well, then advise me.

Well, you're going to have to say Rudy hit her head on something when she fell

off the bed, like a shoe.

No, a shoe wouldn't hurt.

How about if we say she hit her head on one of my barbells? That sounds good to

me. Okay, Rudy, remember, you were on the bed, you reached for a book, you

slipped, then you hit your head on one of the barbells. Got it?

Okay.

Thank you.

Hold on to this.

When I'm finished, you put that ice on her face to keep the swelling down.

What are you going to do to me?

I'm going to clean your face off with some of the things in this bag that I

borrowed from a real doctor.

Good one, Dad.

Now, how did this happen?

Um, I slipped on the book and I hit my head on the shoe.

I finished my work as fast as I could so I could come home and be with you.

And I took a nap so that when you'd come home, I'd be fresh.

Are you fresh?

Farm fresh.

Hi, Mommy.

Rudy?

What happened here?

Oh, she'll be all right, dear. Face is a little swollen, maybe a little pain,

but she's all right.

Honey, how did you fall?

I slipped off Theo's bed.

Cliff, how did this happen?

I wasn't there when it happened, dear. You have to ask Theo.

Honey, what were you doing when you fell?

I was reaching for a barbell, and I fell on my shoes.

Honey, go upstairs and tell Theo to come down, please.

Okay, Mom.

Now, did you hear that pitiful excuse she reached for a barbell and fell on

shoes? The child is obviously not telling us the truth, and whatever has

happened, I will bet that Theo is involved. What did he have to say?

I didn't ask him anything.

Cliff, don't you want to know how Rudy got hurt?

Oh, dear, I've been living with these children for 20 -some -odd years, so I

don't ask him anything. I just patch him up.

Fine. T .O., you were with Rudy at the time of her accident. Is that correct?

Oh, well, you see, actually, I was with... I'll just answer yes or no.

Well, yes.

Is this the result of the human cannonball?

No, Mom, I promise you, it was not the human cannonball.

All right, then what were you doing?

Uh, doing?

When this happened.

Oh!

You see, we were upstairs. May I remind you that there's a stiff penalty for

lying to your mother?

All right.

We were playing a circuit, and we were the tumblers, and I threw Rudy in there

with my feet, and she hit a wall.

A wall?

I hit the wall.

You hit the wall with your face?

Baby, are you sure you're all right?

I can't breathe through my nose.

Now, this is serious. We have to call a doctor.

I told him to.

I think she'll be all right, dear. She doesn't need a doctor. How do you call

Dr. Collins?

She's going to be fine. I don't want to have to call Dr.

Collins and have her open up her office on a Saturday.

Okay, then I'll call her. I'll have her meet you at the emergency room in the

hospital. Come on, Rudy. We're going to the hospital.

Good. Well, I'll come along.

No, Phil, that's all right. You don't have to go.

Since you're so interested in the circus, I'll let you join one.

The Huxtable Circus. And you can start at the bottom. This is the big top, and

your job is to clean the big top from top to bottom. You can start with those

windows over there, and after that, you can do the floors.

Yes, Mom.

Son, look at it this way.

Here, no elephants.

Hi, Mr. Howell. Ah, Dr. Oxtable. Come in, come in. Thank you.

You here to do a delivery?

Oh, no. My little daughter bruised her face, and I brought her in so Dr.

Collins could see her. Please, please, sit down.

Thank you, thank you.

You're here to talk about the layoffs.

Right. Now, who do you want me to put back on staff?

Uh, Mrs. Granger.

Oh, yes, the lady that cleans the doctor's lounge.

You know, you're the twelfth doctor who's asked me to keep her. Well, good,

because she's fantastic.

Dr. Oxtable.

I'm the hospital administrator.

It's not my decision.

The board of directors ordered me to cut 10 % of the hospital staff.

Yeah, but she's been here 15 years.

Okay, Dr. Huxtable, here.

Now, you're me, and you're doing my job.

Take a look at this list. Tell me who I should lay off and who I should keep.

Come on, Mr.

Howe. No, no, no, no, no. I am Dr.

Huxtable. You're Mr. Howe. Do your job.

All right, we'll keep Mrs. Granger. Fine. Now, all you got to do is find

somebody else to lay off.

Okay. George W. Beck.

Why George W. Beck?

Because I don't know him.

He's an orderly on the orthopedic floor.

Now, 16 doctors have told me that he's crucial to that department.

Well, then you better keep him.

You know I'm not a man who believes in throwing people out on the street. But

this hospital serves many low -income patients.

And when our funds get cut, we've got to do whatever we can to ensure that these

people continue to receive proper health care. Unfortunately, you can't argue

with math.

Okay, well, I'll just keep thinking, then.

Good. If you have a solution, come and see me. No waiting.

All right. How's the wife?

Just as feisty as ever.

Well, just make sure you don't lay her off.

Oh, Mrs.

Granger, nice to see you.

I'm glad you're here.

I brought some cream.

Uh -oh.

Ah, cookies.

Yeah, I have cookies and I have apples, but first we have to see which you're

going to eat. Uh -oh.

You're holding it in.

All right, but you're within the limit, so you get cookies.

Good, good, good. What kind?

Those are a peanut butter chocolate chip with macadamia nuts. All right.

Well, these should be eaten.

I hope you brought some for the other doctors. You too. That's it.

Oh, no.

So, how you doing? I'm fine.

How are you doing? Oh, great.

And how is that grandson of yours? Oh, the joy of my life.

I asked him, what do you want to be when you grow up? He says, I want to be a

grandma. And I said, why a grandma?

He says, because everybody loves grandmas, and grandmas love to give

presents. Now, I'm no fool.

Uh -huh. I mean, I know that kid is trying to con me into giving him a

So, did you get him one? Of course.

I love what he has to say about grandmas. Mm -hmm.

What does he have to say about grandpas? Oh, nothing.

He's never seen him.

Oh, well, I'm sorry to hear that.

I'm not.

My grandson isn't missing anything.

You see, I got married to my husband when I was 16.

Now, that I didn't know. Oh, yeah. I was pregnant, too.

And that you didn't know.

Sixteen? Sixteen. It took me five months to tell my parents.

Well, the next morning, my father took me and Innes, and we stood there in

of the judge.

It was some honeymoon.

And I spent it trying to find a job, and I spent it trying to find an apartment

that we could afford.

So you didn't go to Niagara Falls?

Oh, no.

Well, anyhow, the night of our first anniversary, Innes said to me, listen,

honey, I'm going out to buy a pack of cigarettes. I'll be right back.

Well, it must have been one long line of that store because he never came back.

Oh, yeah.

For three days, my father and I looked for that boy.

Suddenly I realized, what am I killing myself for?

I mean, why should I worry about a piece of trash like that?

But, as the old saying goes, It is better to have loved and lost than never

have loved at all.

Shakespeare. Alfred Lord Tennyson.

Ah. He's an English poet. Don't you know that?

Was it in the 1800s?

Downtown.

You know, my daughter taught me all about Tennyson.

Really? Oh, yeah.

I worked at two jobs. See, that girl's just cool.

Mm -hmm.

Every penny went into her education.

And then...

She used to come home at night with all the books that she had studied.

She'd sit me down, and she'd say, Mom, you have to read this.

Good for her.

I not only got educated, but that girl graduated in the top 1 % of her

class. Did I tell you that?

No.

Well, my daughter is a college professor, and her husband, Jake, is an

electrical engineer, and he...

Doesn't smoke.

So it won't be going out for any cigarettes.

You better believe it.

I'm going to miss you.

I heard about the cutbacks. Is there anything I can help you with?

Nope. Okay.

So what are you going to do?

Well, I'm not sure.

First, I was a little afraid.

But then my daughter says, Mom, you're a bright, intelligent woman.

Well, I couldn't disagree with that.

But then she says, since you paid for me to go through college, how about if I

pay for you to go through college? I love it. I love it. Oh, come on. No, I

it. Get out. Can you see me bopping around a college campus?

Yes. Yeah, sitting in a classroom?

Yes. With my grandson on my back feeding him homemade cookies? It would be

beautiful, yes.

Yeah, I can see that.

Mm -hmm.

I mean, I'm not saying that I'm definitely going to school.

But I'll tell you one thing.

For the first time in my life, I am in charge of what I am going to do.

I am the master of my fate.

I am the captain of my soul.

Who said that?

Uh, Alfred Lord Tennyson.

Buddy Rich.

Look it up. Look it up.

Well, I am going to miss you.

Yeah, oh, uh, listen.

What?

Oh, no, no, no, no.

Cookies are on me.

Excuse me, Dr. Hutzable?

Yes, sir. You don't know me, but my name is Warren Davis. I'm in laundry

service. This is my last day. They just laid me off.

Yes, well, I'm sorry.

Well, I hear you went to Mr. Howell to get Mr. Granger her job back.

Yes, I did, yes.

Well, it's all over the hospital, and I heard you beat him up real bad, too.

Well, no, I didn't. Well, that's exactly what I want you to do for me. Well, Mr.

Davis, see, I... Go down there and tell him about me. Now, the name is Warren L.

Davis. Okay.

All I want is my job back. Oh, Mr. Davis, I talked to Mr. Howe, and he said

has to go anyway.

What? I said...

I went down there and I talked to Mr. Howe and Mr. Howe said, I'm sorry, I'm

going to have to let Mrs.

Granger go also.

Oh, well then don't say nothing for me then.

Because you're the wrong man.

I'm going to go and see if I can find Dr. Ross.

Because somebody's going to tell me something because I ain't got my job

here.

Dr. Collins said it was just a little swelling, no broken bones, nothing

important. Same thing another doctor said, who will remain nameless before he

was put out of the joint.

I think you look beautiful.

Thanks. You should have seen her, dear. She was so great, we went into the

emergency room there, and she went right up, gave her name, her address, knew

her phone number and her zip code.

Oh, good for you.

And where did you get that lovely hat?

It was a present.

All the nurses chipped in and bought the hat and took her around and gave her

lunch and everything. And she almost got out of the hospital with some doctor's

reflex hammer.

I had a good time.

I would say so. Why don't you take your things upstairs?

Get ready for a nap, okay?

Okay. All right, I'm going to come up later and see how you're doing.

All right. Do me a favor, please, miss.

If anybody wants to make a cannonball out of you and bounce you off of a wall,

you send them down here first. I'll bounce them.

Okay.

Well,

I saw Mrs.

Granger this afternoon.

How's she taking it?

Are you kidding me? Her daughter's going to put her through college.

Stop it. Listen, I'm telling you, she's going to go to college. Her daughter

said, Mom, since you work... two jobs and sent me through college. Now that

you're not working, I'm going to send you through college. And she said she

might go.

That's wonderful.

Yes, I was thinking about asking her daughter to come down here and talk to

children.

But we've already been through college.

That's all right. I'm willing to settle for the cash.

The Cosby Show is taped for a studio audience.