Original subtitles

Hey, there's Bill Cosby, listen to him!

Hey. Cliff, I just got a letter from Hillman College.

Dear Claire, as you know, in June, Dr.

Zachariah J. Haynes, president of Hillman College, will be retiring after

years of service to the school.

Oh, you better watch it. That's going to cost you some money.

I don't think so. Listen to this. As a distinguished graduate, we would like to

invite you to serve on the executive committee to plan a celebration in honor

Dr. Haynes to be held graduation weekend.

Mm -hmm. Is that something? Yeah.

Well, they want me down there a week from Saturday for ten days.

Dr. Haynes is a very, very special person. Mm -hmm.

What are you looking for?

Looking for my letter.

What letter?

My letter from Hillman.

You didn't get one.

Well, uh, they probably meant that letter for both of us, then.

No, I don't think so, because here it says, uh, Claire, give our regards to

Cliff.

Well, re -read it again.

Read the letter again, please.

Dear Claire, as a distinguished graduate, we would like to invite you to

on the executive committee to plan a celebration in honor of Dr. Haynes to be

held graduation weekend. Shall I go on? I don't understand.

I'm a distinguished graduate?

Yeah, you were a distinguished graduate. I was a good student.

No, your mother's been talking about visiting Denise. You think she'd like to

with me?

Yes, she'll enjoy that.

Well, I'll give her a call. I don't understand how they could leave out one

the most distinguished students ever in the

history of the school. You know what? They're probably sending

me a special delivery letter asking me to give the keynote address.

Well, I don't think so, because it says here that the incoming president will be

doing that.

I don't understand how they could leave out probably the most distinguished

graduate in all of Hellman. That's why they did it. Because you were the most

distinguished and the most loved, and everybody would be looking at you, and

they would just forget all about Dr.

Hayes and his little 53 years.

Are you laughing at me? Oh.

Okay, okay, now just relax. There's no need to panic.

I know this is your first baby.

Now, why don't you just sit down, take a deep breath.

Good.

Okay. Now, tell me, how far apart...

Are your wife's contractions, Mr. Rowland?

35 minutes?

Well, it doesn't sound like she's in labor.

Well, no, no, no, don't be embarrassed. Just call me when they're about seven or

eight minutes apart.

You're still nervous?

Okay, why don't you now go to the hospital?

and your wife will call you when she's seven, eight minutes apart, okay?

All right. Talk to you later.

And who are you?

Your father.

Can't be. My father ran away with the circus when I was born.

He's back.

Oh, my goodness.

Well, you don't smell like you've been around elephants.

Listen.

What is all this stuff for?

Well, since I'll be staying here while Anna and Claire are at Hillman, I went

the store and picked up some things.

So, uh, Dad, we have oatmeal.

You didn't have to buy it. Yeah, not that kind. That's Norwegian oatmeal.

Havregrat. Havre who?

That's the oatmeal the Vikings ate. Okay, that's fine. What is this, soap?

Mm -hmm. Was it Viking soap?

No, son.

The Vikings never had soap. They just jumped off the boats and swam in the

fjords.

What?

Fjords. Fjords. Okay.

Fjords. I have something I want to discuss with you. Yes, sir. Now, I

going to be staying with you for five days, and I want you to know that I

to pay my own way. Now, Dad. Don't talk back. I've estimated how much it's going

to cost you to have me here for a day.

I made up a list.

Yeah, but... Hush.

I have it down on paper. Food, hot water, entertainment.

Entertainment? When I watch the news on television.

Our TV's paid for. You don't have to put a quarter in it anymore like old days.

Please let me pay for my share of the groceries.

Take your hands out of your pocket. Your money's no good here. I mean that.

We'll talk about it later.

Yeah, and that's another thing you do. You say, we'll talk about it later. And

that's only used to wear me down.

We'll talk about that later, too.

Hey. That's right. Just act like he's the only one in the room.

Just leave me sitting here. You don't know.

Hi, Daddy. Hi, Daddy. What's in the bag?

Oh, some things that your granddad brought home. That's true.

But if I dig deep into this bag, I might find something you children would love.

Chocolate chip cookies!

No, no, no, no, no. Can we have one?

If it were up to me, I'd give you one. But you have to ask your father.

Can we have one?

One, one. Thank you.

You can have one.

May I have one, please?

I don't think so, son. At your age, this turns right to fat.

Hux for residence.

Oh, hi, Mom.

Oh, it's just a chocolate chip cookie.

Well, Dad said I could.

Mom wants to talk to you.

Hi, dear.

Huh? Yeah, yeah, I know it's close to dinner.

But... But... But... But...

Claire says Mom wants to talk to you.

Hello,

Anna.

I miss you, too.

Okay, I'll put him on again. Claire, if your mother wants to talk to you.

Hey, Mom.

I know it's close to dinner, but...

I brought the cookies here.

Mom wants to talk to you.

Hi, Alan.

Yes, but... What a

shame.

What's wrong?

Listen to this.

Douglas B. Hopper, 85, passed away yesterday.

Survived by his wife, Eileen, and his two sons, Oliver and Walter. It's a

Was he a friend of yours?

No, I just read the obituaries.

Do you do this often, Dad?

Every day.

Now, here's a guy who went only 52 years old.

I got him beat.

He survived by his wife, his children, his father.

His mother survived by everybody.

52? Uh -huh.

Oh, listen to this. It says he left the bulk of his estate to his father.

Must have been a nice boy.

Yeah.

I bet he's in heaven.

is not home yet. He's at wrestling practice.

Well, young lady, may I take a message?

The young lady called up for Theo.

I said, can I take a message? She just went... Well,

when you were down in your office, a couple of ladies called.

Wouldn't leave their names. One of the girls said, um, tell Theo he's a doll.

Hey, Grandpa. Hey, Dad. Hey, son. Theo, how was wrestling practice?

Okay. Grandfather took some calls for you.

He has a message.

Really? What is it? Theo, you're a doll.

That's what she said.

She? Who?

She wouldn't tell me.

Well, are you sure it was a she? Definitely. I know my she's.

Yes, yes, you have been getting quite a few calls and have been girls who've

just been giggling, teething, and then hanging up the phone.

Are you guys teasing me? Would we tease about something as serious as this?

Yeah.

Well, we're not doing it this time.

You know, this is strange, because all day -to -day girls were smiling at me

giggling and waving and giving me the eye.

And when I asked them what was wrong, they said, I heard about you.

Something strange is definitely going on. Well, maybe not, Theo. It could be

you're finally turning into a Huxtable Man.

There you go.

The caterpillar turning into the butterfly.

A miracle of nature.

What are you guys talking about?

See, what happens is Huxtable Men, all of a sudden, they blossom and they

become irresistible.

To the female of the species.

Well, how come you never told me this was going to happen?

Because I didn't think you could handle it.

I'll get it.

Huxwell residence.

Speaking.

I am?

Well, who is this?

Okay, at least give me your initials.

Well, can you tell me what homeroom you're in?

203. Hey, that's a great homeroom. Uh, what row do you sit in?

Hello?

Dad, you were wrong.

I can handle it. You can?

Such a shame.

Did somebody else die?

No.

It's these pencils.

Look at them. They're all chewed up.

Claire.

I recognize these teeth marks.

You've been doing this ever since you were a first grader. Yeah, well, I can't

help myself.

Son, this is a sign of high anxiety.

This desk is just full of chewed pencils. Well, that's the spot where I

bills. Well,

I'll buy you a strip of rawhide.

No, I will buy you an ice -cold glass of papaya. Ooh, I love papaya juice. Did

you know that it's very high in vitamin A and C? Yes, I knew that. Did you know

that the Inca Indians used the papaya for medicinal purposes?

Yes, I knew that. It also contains a very effective digestive enzyme. Do you

know what the name of the enzyme is?

Yes, I do.

Haparpepsininpinamine.

Anxiety is papain, spelled like it sounds. P -A -P -A -I -N.

Aha. So why don't you come sit over here and get a nice cold glass of papain.

Son, it's not my place to tell you how to run a household, but you've got some

problems here in the cupboard.

What do you mean?

Your cereals, your flour, and your sugar. All these boxes should be wrapped

plastic bags.

Why? Keeps out the ants.

Dad, we don't have ants. Not yet.

All it takes is one, the scout ant.

Come on, the Scout Ant.

He's the one that all the ants send out to find food. And if he sees that,

before you know it, you have a house full of ants.

Well, I just want to tell you that my wife and I have been here for 20 years.

No ants.

Well, that's the way ants operate.

They lull you into complacency.

Take on the Scout Ants now.

Rudy, who's this?

This is my friend Kenny. His name used to be Bull.

Nice to meet you, Kenny.

Thank you. I have a grandpa, too.

What's his name?

Grandpa.

If you're gonna go out and play, I want you to put hats on, because it's cold

out there.

I didn't bring a hat. I'll get you one. Come on.

That looks like a happy team.

Yeah, happy for about three minutes, and then they'll be arguing again. No, I

don't believe it. Not those two.

I hope you're right, but you're not.

Here, wear this hat. It's Theo's.

Okay, thanks.

Let's go.

Wait. I have to open the door for you.

No, you don't. Yes, I do. I'm a man. You're a woman.

So, a man's supposed to open the door for a woman. Who's that?

My big brother.

He's 19, and he knows everything.

Well, Sasha says a woman can do anything.

No.

A woman can do it. Man says.

Then you'll never get married.

I will if I want to. Okay, but you'll have to stay home and cook and wash

clothes.

Not all a woman can have any job she wants.

No, she can't.

Give me back my hat, bud.

My name's Kenny, bud. My name's Kenny, bud.

My name's Kenny. Stop it, stop, stop. Now, what's the matter?

He's not my friend anymore.

Yes, I am. No, you're not.

Yes, I am. No, no, no, stop, stop, Ed.

Now, what is the matter?

He tried to open the door for me.

Oh, okay, okay.

I'm supposed to. I'm a man.

Wait, wait, just one second.

Now, look, Alvin.

Who?

No, no, no, not you. You're Kenny.

All right, Kenny.

If the two of you want to act like a man and a woman, then if you're going to

discuss things, you have differences, you do it politely. You understand?

Yeah. All right, fine.

Now, I am going to open the door for both of you. Not because I'm a man, but

because I'm a tired adult and I'm throwing you out.

I must say, son, you handled that well.

Well, thank you, Dad. I had a good teacher.

Hi. Hey, Dad.

You have to sign that.

Really? What is it? A note from our principal.

Why do you have a note from the principal?

Well, I found out why I've been getting all the phone calls.

The girls at school picked me a thoroughbred of the week.

All right.

Thoroughbred? Yeah, you know, a winner.

You see, every week the girls pick a guy in the junior class, and they put his

name and phone number on the wall of the girls' washroom.

So why do I have a note from the principal?

Well, when I found out about it, I waited until after school.

And then I went into the girls' washroom, and I started scribbling over

and number.

That's when the principal, Ms. Walker, came in and caught me.

She said you have to sign that as proof that I told you about it.

Well,

you've told me about it.

And I'm signing.

Thanks a lot, Dad.

You're welcome.

You know, son, it seems like raising children is a lot more difficult now

when I was raising you.

Well, I wish you'd have thought about that when you put the curse on me and

said, I hope you have some children who act exactly the same way that you act.

I know.

And things are working out better than I expected.

Scillis is ready to have her baby.

I have to go over to the hospital now.

What time is it?

2 .15 a .m. So why don't you come on and sleep in my bed?

I'd like to, but I don't think I can get out from under Rudy.

I'll show you how to do this.

How'd you get in here anyway?

Rudy couldn't sleep, so I told her the story of Hugo the Bear and the Lost

Really? I wish you'd told me you were going to do that. That's my favorite

story. I'd come up and listen.

Oh, but you get so excited every time I tell that story, and I was afraid you'd

make so much noise you'd keep Rudy up.

I understand.

I'll see you in the morning.

Night, son.

Good night, Dad.

Hey, Dad.

Oh, it's almost 11 o 'clock. Have you been up all this time?

Yes, Mrs. Gillis finally delivered the baby. I'm telling you, that child came

right there and stopped and stared at me like this.

How would you like a big steaming bowl of hobbler grits?

Well, Dad, I don't think I want any hobbler grits.

I'm just so tired.

I'm going to go in here and take a little nap.

Thank you.

I think you should go upstairs to bed.

No, I can't.

Mrs. Rowland's ready to deliver.

Her labor pains are 15 minutes apart, and her husband's are seven minutes

Oh, you'll close your eyes and get some rest.

Well, thank you.

We're back.

Let's go, Dash.

Your father's just got back from the hospital, and he may have to go back.

He needs his rest.

But he promised he would take us to buy some jeans.

Well, I think you're going to have to forget that.

But, Granddad, we came all the way back from the record store for this.

When I was your age, every Saturday, my father expected me to go out into the

backyard and shop wood all day long until there was enough to heat the house

entire week.

Grandpa, they don't understand what you're trying to tell us. I'm trying to

you the children should help their parents more.

But, Granddad, we only have one tree in the backyard.

My mom planted it, and she would get real upset if we hit it with an ax.

Well, the kitchen floor could use a good scrubbing and waxing, or you could do

your homework. Which would it be?

Homework. Definitely.

Good choice.

Thank you.

Thank you. Sleep, sleep, sleep.

You know, I never realized how much activity there is in this house.

And you do a fine job with it.

Oh, thank you.

I mean, I've told you many times that I love you, but I've never told you I'm

proud of you.

And I am?

You're all right.

Oh, so are you.

Would you do me a favor?

You name it.

Would you tell me the story about the bear?

Wouldn't you rather sleep?

No.

Once upon a time, in the woods of a magic kingdom, there lived a bear named

Hugo.

He was a very sad bear.

One day, after having a picnic all by himself, he was walking home to his cave

when he saw a wolf who looked very confused.

Was the wolf lost?

Yes, he was.

And was the wolf's name Hans?

That's right, Cliffy.

I'll get it.

Hello?

Hello,

son. You rest.

Occidental residence.

Uh -huh.

How far apart are they?

Son, it's Mrs. Rowland.

Yeah.

Hello, Mrs. Rowland.

Oh, they are, huh?

All right.

This is it.

I'm on my way over.

Okay. Bye -bye.

There you go. You have to go to the hospital.

Yes, sir.

Isn't there something I could do for you?

Yeah, you could go over there and deliver the baby.

How about if I just give you a ride?

Yes, that would be fine.

On the way, I'll finish the story.

Good. I'd love that.

Now, where was I?

Well... The bear had just finished having his picnic, and he saw Hans, and

was confused.

Okay. Anyway, the reason Hans the wolf was confused was because he was lost.

Yes. Which made him feel very lonely, too.

Yes. And do you think that Hans and Hugo will become friends?

Now, son, be patient.

I'm going to get to that. Okay.

Okay. Anyway.

Yeah. Hugo went over to Hans, and he said...

What's wrong, my friend?

Yeah. You look confused.

And Hans said, Oh, Mr. Bear, I'm so lost.

That's right, Clem. And Hugo said, I have never seen anybody walking down the

street.

The Cosby Show is taped before studio audio.