Original subtitles

Daddy, you know Suzanne's coming today. Girl from your social studies class.

Yeah.

You're in your pajamas.

Right, well, you said the two of you wanted to observe normal, everyday

activity. And this is what you're wearing? Denise, today's Saturday.

lucky I have on what I have on.

Daddy, please. Come on, give me a break. Okay, I'll put on something

presentable. Thank you.

Hiya. Hey. Byeya. Hey, Theo, you can't go. Why not?

Because I need your help for my school project. Denise, school is Monday

Friday. On Saturdays... I don't have to think.

Now, that is normal.

Come on, Theo.

We're doing a report on the lifestyles of a large family, and I need you here.

Just say you don't have a brother.

I'm perfectly willing to say I don't have a son.

Thanks, Dad.

Son, this project is very important to your sister.

About as important as the time I stayed up all night helping you with that

history paper.

Okay, stay.

Thank you.

Daddy, that's her!

Go get dressed.

I only want to hang around for an hour. I may need you longer than that.

But I'm not staying long.

I'm a busy man.

Hi, Denise. Hey, Suzanne.

It's been 20 minutes.

I know.

We're not doing anything.

We can't write a paper if we don't have anything to do.

What's it like being in a big family?

There's never enough cereal.

I see.

And you know something?

What? Nobody lets me talk.

Why not?

Every time I try to say something, they say I'm too small.

Could you write down that I want my own room?

Vanessa, you're not supposed to use this for personal gain.

Okay, forget the room. Just say I want my own...

for you.

Okay, okay, no problem.

I'll be in my room, Suzanne.

Are you all right, Theo?

Yes, sure.

Hey,

how's it going? Great. Ness and Rudy gave us some fascinating stuff. Yeah,

can be pretty fascinating at times.

We're on our way to Theo's room now.

Are you going inside?

Yes.

I would just like to say that the condition of certain rooms in this house

not necessarily reflect the views of management. Thank you.

Theo, it's us.

Just a minute.

Thank you.

Why did you change your clothes?

I wanted to wear something more comfortable.

A tie?

Suzanne, make yourself at home.

I was just going to do some studying.

You know, we're here to observe normal behavior.

She's always giving me a hard time.

Well, I really can't wait to read your report.

You're interested in sociology?

Oh, me? Yeah.

Well, you see, sociology is the study of human behavior.

And since we're all human, it's something we should all be interested

Very well put. Thank you.

Did you enjoy the soda?

Yes.

You know, Denise, you never told me your brother was so charming.

You're right, I didn't.

You know, Sue, I just realized something.

You're the only male child in the house.

That's right.

It's a beautiful experience.

You know, Denise, I find this stuff so interesting. I guess it's because I'm an

only child.

Really? What's it like?

Well, actually, I think I'd rather be here. It just seems to me like large

families do a lot more sharing and have a lot more fun.

That's exactly how I feel.

Especially the sharing part.

Now, some guys might find it hard living with four sisters, but I think it's

made me more sensitive to the wants and needs of women.

talk to my brother outside in the hall for a minute.

Do you mind? No, not at all. Give me a chance to write down what he said.

What are you doing? What am I doing, Theo? What are you doing?

What do you mean? You changed your clothes. You cleaned your room.

Cologne, Theo.

This is after over from last week.

You're trying to impress Suzanne.

I am not.

Oh, then why did you say you're sensitive?

And what's wrong with that?

Sensitive, Steve. Everybody needs a word before.

Denise, I am sensitive.

And if you were sensitive, you'd know that.

Look, I just want you to stop coming on to Suzanne, okay?

Coming on? Yeah. I'm just trying to help.

You're helping for the wrong reasons. And I'm telling you right now, it's not

going to work.

Suzanne would never be interested in you.

And why not?

Because you're a sophomore and she's a senior.

That's only two years difference.

Physically, yeah.

Not maturity.

Theo, those years are like dog years, okay?

Suzanne is actually 14 years more mature than me.

What?

You can relax.

I'm not interested in Suzanne.

You swear?

Yes. And you're going to go back in there like your normal self?

Yes. Good.

You're too kind.

Well, it's to frighten the children away.

Thank you. Yes.

Well, here I am standing out on the Huxtable Spread

watching my wife plow the back 40.

Seems like only yesterday me and the missus packed up the youngins and put a

wagon together and just drove on out here.

Oh, lovely, how come you're not down here giving me a hand?

Because that's dirt.

No, to you, it's dirt. To me, it's life.

Ah, then why is it that you get upset when the children track life into the

house?

Now, you know what your problem is.

You're a doctor who walks around all day in his prissy little white coat,

washing his hands, holding your hands up like this. I do not hold my hands up

like this. Yes, you do. Now, you know what you need? What? You need to feel

pleasures of nature. Now, come down here. I don't want to feel life. Like I

said, come down here.

Put your hands in the life. Put your hands in the life.

Twist through your fingers.

Now, what do you feel?

A worm.

Dad, I need your help. What's up? Theo, he's acting weird and he's ruining my

project. Oh, dear. How is he acting weird and ruining your project?

He's trying to impress his aunt.

What's he doing?

He changed his clothes, he cleaned his room, and now he's upstairs studying.

Come on.

Well, see if we can get her to move in.

I think he's going to ask her out.

Denise, I really do think you're overreacting. reacting to this now. I

what's the worst that could happen? He'd ask her out and just say, yes, so what?

You'd have a friend dating your brother.

Mom, no!

You don't understand. Theo could end up at my senior prom.

And what if Susanna and I go to the same college?

Then Theo's gonna be hanging around there, and then he's probably gonna go

that college.

This could be the beginning of life with Theo.

Elise?

Yeah, Dad?

Better you than us.

And what are you laughing at? I'm laughing because this girl doesn't

The boy is 15 years old. At 15 years old, a boy will hit on a snake.

But the boy does have good taste.

Better than you did.

I beg your pardon?

Cliff, I saved you. You saved me.

Right. I say to you, before I came along, you were chasing every low -life

of uncertain reputation in the neighborhood.

Yes, you were. I was not. I was not. You were sad, pitiful, desperate, and

tired.

Why do you think they called you Overheated Huxtable? I remember the

were chasing before I came along.

There you were, little bright -eyed, knobby -kneed boy of 14, chasing a

15 years old who was still in the ninth grade.

I saved you, you sad thing.

You know, I still wonder about her sometimes.

And what do you wonder?

Oh, I wonder if she's still in the ninth grade.

Suzanne. I'm telling you, man, you've never seen anything like this girl.

We're talking a fine -tuned body here.

And her eyes?

Oh, you guys are gonna fall out when you see her.

And you know Georgia's girlfriend?

She makes her look like George.

Yeah. I'm thinking about asking her to Freddy's party next week.

And when I walk in, heads will turn.

And if you're nice to me, I just might let you meet her.

Are there any activities you enjoy doing without the children?

All of them.

It's true.

What Dr. Huxtable means is when you have children, you enjoy those moments alone

that you have as a couple.

That's not what I mean.

Would you cooperate, please?

Oh, Suzanne.

I didn't know you were still here.

Why is your shirt wide open?

Hi.

That's what we heard.

Sorry to interrupt, Dad. I need to ask you something.

Go ahead.

Did you borrow my razor?

No, son, I never borrow your razor because your beard is too hard on the

Well, I guess I'll find it somewhere.

I don't need it till later anyway.

Suzanne, just go ahead and do what you're doing.

Pretend I'm not even here.

Okay, let's see.

There's one more thing, and you don't have to answer this if you don't want

Go ahead.

What kind of arrangements have you made for your children in case of your

untimely passing?

We're going to take them with us.

Why would you stop this?

We both have insurance policies.

Mom, Dad, I want you both to know.

that if anything should happen, you can count on me to step in and give the

family the emotional support it needs.

I'm glad I'll be there.

Thea, what a wonderful thing to say.

It wasn't that wonderful.

Denise, it was.

You know not many guys have his sense of responsibility at his age.

Did I mention his age was 15?

I'll be 16 in seven months.

Just around the corner.

I'll get it.

Suzanne, I'll be right back.

Hi. Hi.

Denise, somebody for you. No, no, no. I'm looking for Suzanne. Is she here?

Yeah, Mark. Hi.

Hey, is this your brother?

No, he's my boyfriend.

Mark,

come in. I want to introduce you to everyone. Thank you.

Denise, you know Mark?

Yeah, you're on the wrestling team, right? Yeah. Yeah, I've seen you around.

Nice to finally meet you. Same here. Thanks.

Dr. Huxtable, Mrs. Huxtable, this is my boyfriend, Mark Roberts.

How are you? Fine. Nice to meet you. Hello. Hi.

And this is Denise's younger brother, Theo.

Theo! How's it going? All right.

Theo, did you know that you and Mark are interested in the same thing?

We are?

What?

Sociology.

Sociology? Remember earlier?

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Sociology is the study of human behavior.

Mark's going to major in it at Central State.

Oh, in Wilberforce, Ohio?

Yes, sir. What school?

I got a scholarship.

Yeah. If I could put guys in the headlock, I'd get a scholarship, too.

It's not for wrestling.

It's an academic scholarship.

Oh.

Son, why don't you take him upstairs and teach him how to shave?

Goodbye.

Sit down. Do you want anything to drink?

No, thanks.

Okay. Well, I have things to take care of in the backyard.

Suzanne, nice meeting you. You too, Theo. Mark, see you.

Okay, Theo.

Theo is going to ruin my garden. That basketball just landed right in it.

dear, dear. It didn't land in the plants. It landed in the life.

He's not even playing basketball, Cliff. He's just banging it against that

backboard. Honey, honey, honey, don't worry about it. This is what boys do

they have problems with women. They burn that energy off that way.

All right, okay.

But if he does any damage, I'm the very next woman he's going to have a problem

with.

Oh, Cliff, I ran into you. No, no, no, come here, dear, don't.

Don't, please, please, don't worry about the radishes. We weren't going to eat

them anyway.

Why not?

Because the radishes were pitiful. I pulled one out of the ground. It didn't

even have any color.

You pulled one of my radishes out of the ground?

Yes, I was doing quality inspection, dear. Clem, I have worked on this garden

for six months, and we are going to eat everything in it. And I'm not... I'm

going to stand here and let my labor be destroyed. I'm going out there and I'm

going to talk to him. Yeah, but wait.

See, you can't go out there in this condition. See, this calls for cool

This is the only son we have.

Now, just let me go out.

I'll talk to him. What are you going to say? I'm going to tell him to stop

killing his mother's radishes.

And those corn she's growing.

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

Man, that's your mother's garden.

Come down to there.

Oh, boy.

We have to eat that stuff.

Look, come on. Why don't you just take a little break, okay? Don't feel like it.

I'll tell you what. Let's have lunch together, okay?

No,

no. I'm talking about Dad firing up the barbecue and making your

favorite bacon burger dog.

What's the matter with you?

Usually I say bacon, burger, dog, and your tongue comes out of your mouth. You

start licking your face.

Come on.

I'm not in the mood, Dad. What do you mean you're not in the mood?

Well, you know what Suzanne did to me.

What did Suzanne do to you?

She came over here.

She hung out in my room. She acted like she liked me.

You know what's worse?

To me?

My own sister?

Never bothered to find out if the girl had a boyfriend.

I see.

They made a fool of me, Dad.

Theo, I think you've lost your mind.

The girl came over here to help your sister with a report. She didn't come

here to become your girlfriend.

You were the one who put cologne on yourself, cleaned up your room, started

reading books. You were walking around, hi, my name is Theodore.

You're the one who did that. Now, she has a boyfriend.

Now you're out here pounding the basketball up against the wall, killing

wife's garden.

And I'm telling you, if you love her, you want to get rid of the guy, you do

like the old days. You call him up on the phone. You say, I love that woman.

And I challenge you to a duel.

I'm serious.

Whoever is alive at the end can call her up, toll free, and say, I'm your man.

It's dead.

All I needed to do was play for a couple more hours. No, no, no, no, no.

What I want you to do then is take that energy and go to the library.

Are you serious? Go to the library and just pour that energy out into the

Dad, I have books in my room. That's not the same thing.

You need to sit in a hard wooden chair. You need to hear the silence of the

pages flipping.

You need a hint.

Of the mildew.

Are you trying to trick me into doing my homework?

No, no. I'm just trying to help.

I'm trying to help you, my boy, because I used to be in that position myself.

Now, I want you to go upstairs, and I want you to get those overdue books, go

the library.

Huxtable residence?

No, Theo went to the library.

Yes, I am positive. The place with the books, that's where Theo went.

We'll try again later.

Hey, Mom.

I've been reading the notes that Dan and I took for our report.

Oh, yes? How does our family look?

I hope you don't mind, but I'm not going to use our real names.

I can understand that.

Sorry, this is the kitchen, and this is where I stay.

Hello, Theo.

Oh, hi, Mom.

This is Tori Beckwith. Hi.

Hello. She'd like to take a look at your garden.

Oh, that could be arranged.

Theo, aren't you going to introduce me?

Oh, yeah. Tori, this is my sister.

Denise.

Do you guys go to school together? No, I just met him at the library.

Oh. You see, I was walking Tori home, and I was telling her about your garden.

My father owns a nursery.

Mom could teach your dad a few things. She really knows her vegetables.

Thank you, Theo. It's so nice when my children take an interest in what I do.

Don't worry. Why don't we step out into the backyard and take a look at it?

Great. You two go ahead. I'll make some beverages.

Hey, pretty.

Hey.

You're lucky, too.

What do you mean?

It's you.

You think.

Okay.

Theo! Hey, Dad.

was the library.

Great.

It was?

Oh, yeah.

Dad, you were right. The library is the place.

So you really enjoyed it.

Oh, yeah, definitely.

And I see you brought something back with you.

Sure did.

with your mother?

Oh, yeah. Her name is Tori Beckwith.

Well, is she a friend of your mother's?

No. I met her at the library.

Yeah. Dad, I didn't even make the first move.

She walked by and dropped the book.

And you picked it up?

I had to. I'm a gentleman.

And? I handed it to her.

Yeah. So we introduced ourselves, and here we are.

Is this serious?

Dad, I can't speak for her.

But as far as I'm concerned, I'm not in love or anything yet.

Take it slow.

I will.

All right. Oh, Dad.

Yeah. You think maybe we could have a barbecue?

I think that I'm sharp enough that I can whip up the best bacon burger dog

I've ever made.

Let's take it slow.

I think we should start her off with just, I'll bear her at all. I'll bear

at all.

The Cosby Show is taped in front of a live studio audience.