Original subtitles

Three. One, two, three.

Okay, Rudy, your question is, who said, I have not yet begun to fight?

Papa Smurf.

Rudy, you've answered every question, Papa Smurf.

Is this wrong?

Of course it's wrong.

Papa Smurf never said, I have not yet begun to fight.

Who did?

Clint Eastwood.

This game's too hard for me.

Possible resident.

Yeah, she is. Hold on for a second.

Vanessa, you have a phone call from a boy.

A boy?

Has he got the right number?

It's probably just about some homework.

He doesn't have that homework sound.

Whoa.

I'll take you to the kitchen.

You guys hang up the second I get on.

Then listen. No.

Can I help you? Yeah, you're a little combustible, all right.

Who? That's a name we used to call your father way back in the old days. Your

father at home, I'm Ernie Scott.

Oh, yeah, hey.

He told us you were coming. Weren't you Dad's old track coach at Hillman

College? Do I look like I could be your father's old track coach?

Don't answer that.

Yes, as a matter of fact, I was his assistant coach.

And I got all these stray hairs from trying to drag your father to practice.

Okay, I'll go tell Daddy that you're here. Thank you. You know, Dad has this

great picture of you when you're lifting him up in the air after he won this big

race. I don't think I was lifting him up in the air. I think I was just trying

to carry him back to the locker room after he had collapsed on me. What

happened? Nothing, nothing. That's just what he would usually do. After every

race, just collapse.

Stadium would be clearing out. He'd still be lying there. Wait a minute. I

understand.

People would be walking by him and nobody picked him up?

That's because he said, please, please.

don't touch me.

Well, they'd have to mold the grass around them in the morning.

Vinnie!

You got the pepper? I got the pepper.

Hey, Cliff, our boy.

You got, oh, you got something else here, too.

All right, come on, tell me what you've been doing besides gaining weight.

The same belt size I had when I was in college. Yeah, that's right.

You used to wear it a little different place, though, didn't you?

You're looking at a man who changed my entire life. Before I met this man, I

happy.

And then he made me run the 440.

Now, look here, Cliff. I've come by to see you because, well, as you know, I go

to a lot of these Masters track meets. What's that?

Track meets for people over 35 who still want to compete.

Yeah, and at every one I go to, I see all your old teammates.

There's Tommy Fields, there's Reggie Struthers, Tucson Jackson.

Well, how are they doing? They're in terrific condition. I mean, of course,

have to be, you know, when you're going to compete at that level. I mean,

they're running against guys like Benny Moore, like Whitfield, Sanford B,

Tailwind Turner.

Tailwind Turner. That's right.

He's still running? Yeah, that's right.

Who's Tailwind Turner?

The only man ever to beat your father. Remember that?

Pin relays. Hillman College versus Norton University. Battle of the two

Anchorman, Sanford B., Tailwind, Turner, Heathcliff, Combustible, Huxtable.

Let me tell you something.

It came to the Anchorman, Tailwind, and Dad.

I call myself Combustible because boom, and I explode.

They had a 20 -yard lead.

Tailwind took off. I felt him.

I got the baton, and I took off. Now, this is a pin relay. You got about 43

,000 people talking about war.

I got to hold back, you understand. I can't listen to the crowd, so I'm

to myself.

I said, we use intelligence.

Stay loose, long, hard strides.

Pull out my fishing rod.

and put a hook dead in his back and started to reel him in.

Started coming back to me. And I'm staying smooth, bottom lip just

Came around the turn. Now I'm five yards off of him, man. I said to myself,

combustible, bust him out.

And I'm up on his shoulder and I hear the crowd say, whoa!

And I did a body check, and the body said, go ahead.

The body said, go ahead. Said, if you want him, go get him. And I said, look

out. And this man started to edge over.

In other words, he was pushing me. Without touching me, he's pushing me.

me from lane two to lane six, almost up in the stands. Now, wait a minute, wait

a minute. Turner said he never ran you wide.

He's a liar.

It's been going on for 26 years.

Until finally, last week, it all came to a head.

What do you mean, to a head?

I challenged him to a rematch. You did? Yes, sir. Good, good, good.

Hillman versus Norton. Three weeks from Saturday, it's going to take place at

the Masters meet at the Meadowlands. Well, good. My family and I, we're going

get tickets and we're going to come out and watch it.

out of shape. Dad, you're in good shape. You jog a couple of times a week.

To jog is to go pit, pet, pit.

To run the 440 is to go fish, fish, fish, fish.

How much did you weigh in college?

175. How much you weigh now?

175.

With your clothes off?

206.

And guess what?

What? Dad is running against Tailwind Turner.

I never said I was running anything.

Tailwind Turner?

Yes. That tired little toad. Claire. Oh, now, come on. If you know you wouldn't

have caught him that day, honey, you should have seen your father.

He took off like a streak of lightning, honey. He had on white shoes with red

shoelaces that I had bought him myself.

I was looking smooth, wasn't I, dear? You were looking awesome.

Yes.

Only time I've ever...

This man run the last 100 yards of the race without tying up. Coming around

curve. Smooth as whistle in the wind. Little head turn.

He was overtaking me. He was getting ready to pass him. And then this little

sneaky snake starts to edge over and tries to push your father up to the top

the stand.

And he only beat me by half a step.

Oh, no, no, no, no. Turner has been bragging for years.

that he'd beat you by a full ten yards.

No, he didn't say that. Yes, he did. No, he didn't. He said he had already had

his sweatpants on and was eating himself a hot dog by the time you staggered

across the medical aisle.

You know he wouldn't say that to my face.

He said he would say that to your face. He said the only problem is you probably

wouldn't recognize him because all you've ever seen is the back of his

He said that?

That's what he said?

He said that, huh?

That's what he said.

Dad?

Yeah? Haven't we been doing this long enough?

You cannot loosen up too long.

This is what you want to do.

Three 600s, four 300s. That's right.

Do me a favor. I want you to start out with a 200.

You run a 200 like I showed you before. Stay relaxed. Keep your elbows pumping,

lifting, running.

Stay loose. No problem. Over here. Here we go.

Stay relaxed.

Don't get excited, right? That's it!

29 .8. That's okay.

That's great, isn't it? That's okay.

I'm going around twice.

I won't stop here. Twice.

Okay.

No,

you don't yell ready.

I'll let you know. When my arm drops, then you hit the watch.

You're looking good.

You're looking good, Dad. Come on. You're looking good. All right. Come on.

on, Dad.

Looking good, Dad. Come on. Looking good. Looking good. Come on.

We didn't go.

Dad, what's the matter? You said you were going to do two laps. You got a

lap to go. No, it's fine.

Fine, but look. I'm sorry. Look, you said you were going to do three 600s and

four 300s. But we don't need to do those today.

This is in case I wasn't in shape, and I'm in shape now.

You want to see your time? No.

Let's go home.

Home?

How do you do? Please don't touch me.

You weren't out there very long.

I went out there.

I said I was going to run three 600s and a couple of

400s. So I took off on a 400, which is two laps around.

And the first lap, I stayed pretty small.

But then I went behind the bleachers.

And the bear was waiting for me.

And the bear gave me a sofa and a refrigerator and

wanted me to carry it for the rest of the race.

I started hurting all over.

It started to get warm.

My lungs wanted oxygen.

I was trying to give them everything I could take in.

And then my lungs got confused and wanted to see what was happening.

And so they came out.

Oh, Cliff.

The first day is always the hardest. You have to give yourself a chance.

Every person that Ernie has lined up is in shape.

I'm not going out there and embarrass myself.

Okay.

Claire. Yes?

Would you bring the shower down here?

Dr.

Huxtable here.

Is this Dr. Heathcliff Huxtable?

Yes, it is. Who's speaking?

This is Colonel Sanford B. Turner, better known to you as Tailwind.

Yeah, Tailwind, how you doing?

on the coach of the track team here.

Oh, yeah?

Well, the rumor is that you and your old cronies from Norton are looking for

some kind of rematch. That's right, and I heard that you have a long, long way

to go to get the pepper.

Ha! Well, I got enough pepper to sprinkle on your little head.

Carl, I'm the guy that gave you a full -course cinder dinner some years ago.

Gave me a what?

You know, cinder dinner. You ate all the cinders I kicked up in your face.

I guess what you're saying is, You want to eat a little bit of something

yourself, huh?

I'll see you on the track, and if you can't find your way there, I'll send a

for you.

Well, I think you better keep it, because after the race, you'll need

to take you to the cemetery.

Elbows in.

Pump the arms.

Bring it around.

Here it comes.

All right.

Hit it.

Now keep your elbows in. Keep them in. Keep them in. Keep them in. Come on,

that's it. Relax.

All right. No, no, no. Here, slap it in. You got to slap it in. I'll hurt you.

No, no, don't. Just slap it in. Come on.

Dad?

Huh? Do I look... okay for Leon's birthday party? Well, I mean, Leon is in

trouble.

Thank you.

I'm sorry I'm gonna miss your race. I'm sorry I'm gonna miss Leon's birthday

party. Beautiful, Vanessa.

Thank you, Rudy.

Dad, could I talk to you for a minute? Yeah, sure.

Privately. It's about boys.

Excuse me.

You could wave it to people who are coming in later.

Dad, this is serious.

Okay. All right, now the slow record comes on.

Baby, what?

Uh, Vanessa?

Hmm?

You don't mash your body.

You're not going to mash your body.

Now, step back 12 inches.

Thanks, Dad.

All right.

You got the pepper?

I got the pepper. All right.

Oh, good luck. Honey, we'll be right up in the stands.

We'll be rooting for you, Daddy.

Okay, now, Ernie, I want you to make sure that Cliff's red shoelaces are tied

tightly, that he's properly warmed, and that he doesn't pull anything.

Do it to him, Dad.

Come on. I ask you, have you got the pepper?

I've got the pepper. All right, come on. We've got to go smoke now. Come on.

I hope he wins.

I hope he comes out of it alive.

great tonight.

Thank you. And I don't care what anybody says, it was not a tie.

Beat that little weasel.

I think I beat him, too. And looked good, didn't he? Did I look good? Oh,

were so cute in your little shorts and muscles rippling.

Oh, my goodness, rippling.

Long, beautiful strides. Oh, yeah.

You know what else?

I really feel good. My stomach is flattened out a little bit from those

workouts. It's really good for me.

Why don't you turn out the light?

I would,

but I'm so stiff I can't.

Because the show is taped in front of a live studio audience.