Original subtitles

Hi, Mom.

Hi, Theo.

Where are you going?

Down the street to play touch football.

Theo, it's five degrees out there.

I've got two pairs of socks on.

Well, you are putting on gloves and a hat.

Mom, this is freeze football.

If you wear a lot of stuff, you're not a real man.

So how's a real man going to feel when his mother shows up on the field

his gloves and a hat?

Hey, Dad.

Hey, where you going?

Freeze football.

freeze football what happened you gotta take that stuff off their mom's idea oh

well where the heck hi dear how was school school dear i

brought home two children that may or may not be ours when i

pulled up to the school there was a whole pack of them like this

trying to find in. There was one woman who was going through the whole pack,

just picking them up, turning them around, looking at them, and then

them over her shoulder.

And so I brought these two phones because they were the right size.

Hi, Mom.

Oh, I think this is one of ours. We don't have to take it back.

Let's see this one.

Who are you?

Rudy. We don't have to take them back.

Please get them undressed. I'm going to start the dinner.

It takes a long time to do this, dear.

Daddy, I'm getting hot.

I know you're getting hot, dear. Dad's taking off the clothes as fast as he

Okay, here we go.

I need to speak to you right away. Right now?

Right now.

What's that?

Nothing. Would you just help Rudy get undressed? And then the two of you go

upstairs and there's something I want you to see.

What's the matter?

I came in here and I accidentally knocked Theo's book off the table. Yeah.

And found this.

Maybe he's doing a book report on drug abuse and...

He's using this as visual aid.

Yeah, that's the real thing, all right. See, I hate to think of him starting

with that stuff.

Yeah, but wait a minute now. The boy knows where we stand on this. I'll bet

those kids he hangs out with. Well, the kids seem to be all right, honey. All

right? Yeah.

Cockroach, buzzard, female.

mouth and i don't know who that is but that's some child that called up here

other day to ask the speaker ceo he said well tell him dear mom don't you find

it a little bit suspicious that these people are running around and nobody is

using their real name come on now you know that when children are born parents

just look at the child and say lillian roy you know richie but after the child

develops whatever comes out the neighborhood looks at it and says

Looks exactly like a cockroach.

Yes. Now, suppose these kids are using those names as decoys. And suppose Theo

is their contact. I mean, suppose these guys are just selling this stuff.

Now, please.

You found this in his book.

Doesn't look like he smoked it. We haven't seen him smoke it.

Already, though, you have our son.

Flying back and forth to Turkey.

My point is this. Why don't we use this? Be rational.

All right.

Okay. Where are you going?

I'm going up and search his room.

Cliff.

Cliff, you can't do that.

I wasn't going to.

Anyway, that's Theo's room. You couldn't find 12 acres of grass growing up here.

The University of Hawaii.

Denise, has your brother been acting at all strange?

Yeah. Since when?

Since he was six.

Is he in trouble?

Stupid question.

Guess what?

That's a bunch of wimps. Only one other guy showed up and he wouldn't get out of

his mother's car.

You can fill my ears.

I forgot to put the milk back, didn't I?

Hi, Dad.

Excuse me, Dad.

Is something wrong, Dad?

Theo, I accidentally knocked your geography book off the table and found

That was my geography book?

Your book.

Well, how did it get there?

I don't know. Joints don't breathe, do they?

Well, it's not mine. Then whose is it?

I don't know.

I wanted a piece of fruit.

Okay, you can have a piece of fruit. Then go back upstairs.

Who knows?

Eat it in the hallway.

Which is healthier, Dad?

An apple or a banana?

Banana. Well, how about a pear?

Vanessa, it's all healthy fruit, and I think what's healthful for you is if you

get out.

You know how I feel and how your mother feels about drugs.

Now, as long as you are living... Look at me.

As long as you're living in this house, you are not to do any drugs.

When you move into your own house, you are not to do any drugs.

When I am dead and you're 75...

I never have.

Theo, if you can honestly say that this isn't yours, then I have to take your

word for it.

Dad. I mean, let's look at it this way, man. You're a lot of things. Some good,

some bad.

But you're not a liar.

If you say that is not yours, then it isn't.

The joint is not mine.

Fine. Okay.

Case closed.

Case closed.

You all right?

I guess so.

Maybe we should take him out of that school.

If we took the child, put him in a school in the South Pole, flew to the

Pole, there'd be penguins, 12 of them, out there with joints in the mouth,

walking around, breakdancing all over.

Can

I come

in? No.

Are you sure?

No.

Mom and Dad were asking about you earlier.

Is everything okay?

You know, if you're in trouble, you can talk to me about it.

I know. You did something stupid because of a girl.

Women, you can't live with them. You can't live without them.

Hey, it's not a girl.

You brought a D home from school.

Close. An E?

No, a J.

Somebody stuck a joint in my geography book, and Mom and Dad found it.

Whoa. I told them it wasn't mine. They said they believed me.

So then everything's okay.

I just don't like that it happened.

I didn't do anything, and I feel like there's a mark on my record.

Theo, your record wasn't exactly spotless.

Yeah, but there's a big difference between this and the way I usually mess

I feel like Mom and Dad are going to look at me differently after this.

Mom and dad are not like that. If they say something's settled, then it's

settled. Well, it's not settled for me.

Oh, what are you going to do? Put a note on the bulletin board that says, found

one joint, contact Theo Huxtable?

I don't know.

But I'm going to go to school tomorrow and find the guy who did it.

And when I find him... Well, good luck.

You want to share my pear?

That's the healthiest fruit.

Leave me alone.

Come on, Theo.

We're all family.

If one of us is in big trouble, we all should know.

Vanessa, if you were the last person on this earth, I still wouldn't tell you.

You don't have to tell me what you did.

Just tell me what they're going to do to you.

Get out.

Okay, Theo, but I'm giving you until morning.

And then I'll be forced to go to my other sources.

Now, look.

Before I put all these clothes on you, do you have to go to the bathroom?

Do you? No.

Okay. Now, this sweater...

It's what we call the primary sweater. We put this on. This will protect us in

the classroom just in case the classroom is a little bit chilly.

And it is meant not to be a super, super warm sweater because, look, it's cute.

Okay? Now, this sweater is a serious sweater.

That's why it's not that good looking.

This sweater is meant to protect the cute sweater.

You keep this on walking up and down the hallways and almost going outside.

You got that?

Now, here we have the super NASA jacket.

You understand that? This jacket will protect you from the cold wind and the

storm. You got that, coach? Now we will put on the hat.

Remember to put this hat on properly because if you don't, that's going

to happen.

Here we go. Put this on like this and tie this around.

When you take this off, don't let anybody yank from the top. You know why?

Huh?

Because then you look like that.

All right, now you're ready to go.

Daddy? Uh -huh? I have to go to the bathroom.

always know ahead of time.

Well, go upstairs, ask your mom to take all his clothes off so you can go.

All right?

Bill left for school already.

He seemed like he was in a hurry.

Yes, he was.

Too bad about what happened to him.

Yeah.

And that it could happen in this house.

That was the thing that bothered me the most.

What did you say when you found out?

Well, you know me.

So that's what I said.

What did Theo say?

Only thing he could say.

Oh. What do you think you would have done in that situation?

I thought about it, but then I said no, because I know how you hate to get in

other people's business.

Yeah.

Bye, Dad.

Okay. Have a good day at school, kid. See you later. All right.

Hey, Wickers!

Wickers!

Wickers! Oh, hi, Huxtable. How's it going? Not good.

Yesterday, somebody put a joint in my geography book.

Don't give it a minute.

Wickers, try to stay with me on this.

Who put the joint in my geography book?

I'd say it was someone in your geography class.

Who's this next to you?

You do.

It wasn't me. I don't do drugs.

So you can't help me.

With what?

Who put the joint in my book?

You know, if I were you, I'd ask Braxton.

Braxton! I never thought of him. I don't blame you.

Hey, Braxton.

Who are you?

Theodore Huxtable. I'm in your geography class.

That's nice.

Listen, yesterday I found a drain in my book.

You know anything about it?

Is that your book?

Don't sweat it, Huxtable. You can keep it.

We'll call it a gift.

Hey, I don't want your gift.

Why'd you put it in my book?

A teacher walked in the room and I didn't bring my book.

Well, my folks found it.

No sweat, Huxtable. Tell him it's mine. I don't care.

No, I want you to tell him it's yours.

Me?

Sure, Huxtable. I'll run right over to your house and do it.

I'm serious, man. You gotta do it.

I don't have to tell anybody anything.

You put your trash in my book and I pay for it. Get out of my face.

I'm not asking you to go.

I'm telling you.

Well, tell me again.

Look, Braxton.

If that's what it's gonna take, I'm ready.

You wanna fight me right here in the hallway?

I've got nothing to lose.

This is Montgomery.

Hello, Doctor.

Sorry to keep you waiting.

I'm just glad you could fit me in today.

You know, Mrs. Montgomery, this is not your folder.

Had you opened this up, you would have found brochures on Jackson Hole,

This is your folder.

So, what can I do for you? Remember, Doctor, when I had the amniocentesis?

and it came out fine.

And remember you asked me if I wanted to know whether it was a boy or a girl?

Yes. Is it a boy or a girl? No, no, no, no. I'm not getting into that again

because the first time you asked me and I started to tell you, you said, no, I

don't want to know.

And I said, okay. And then you came right back and you said, I want to know.

I started to tell you and you said, I don't want to know.

Forget about all that. I was wrong.

Can you recall?

that you called me a month ago, 3 o 'clock in the morning. I was asleep,

and you said, I want to know.

I got out of the bed. My toe has not healed still from when I stubbed it to

all the way down here. I got your file out. I looked.

I picked up the phone. I said, Mrs. Montgomery, you said yes. I said, it's,

and you hung up on me.

Doctor, I can't wait.

I finally decided I have to know. Why?

Doctor, I have four children, all boys.

I love them dearly, but I'm ready to love a girl.

Okay. Are you sure?

Sure. You're ready for this?

Yes. Okay.

Forget it.

See? You do that every time.

How about a hint?

Okay.

Your child will have...

Okay. If I was to buy a present, what should I get?

Booties.

What color?

Plaid.

No.

You're not going to tell me, are you?

Okay.

I'm going to write it down on a piece of paper.

And I want... Please.

I don't want you to open this paper until you are home.

All right?

I'll see you next week. Thank you, Doctor.

Bye -bye, Mrs. Montgomery. Bye.

Don't open it!

You wrote, ha, ha, ha.

This is not funny.

You tell your four boys to get ready for their sister.

It's a girl!

Hey, you guys, where's Mom and Dad?

In the Hall of the Market.

See ya. Hey, I almost fought you once, and I'm ready to do it again.

We'll wait.

Sit down.

Who are you?

Anthony O. Braxton. I'm Rudy Lillian Huxtable, and I got my mittens back at

school today.

Great. But I got somebody else's lunchbox.

Sorry. Would you guys please go upstairs?

Go ahead, Rudy.

Nice meeting you. You too.

I want you upstairs too, Vanessa.

And I'm not kidding.

Got anything to eat?

Hey, Dad.

This is my dad. Say hi.

Hello, Mr. Huxton. Dr.

Huxton. This is Tony Braxton.

What name do you really go by?

I'm the enforcer.

I'm the dad.

Braxton came over here because he wanted to tell you something.

I put the joint in his book.

Why? He walked in the room. I had to put it someplace.

Why didn't you throw it in the trash can?

I wanted to smoke it later.

Look, I'm not your father, but I do think that you have a problem, son.

And I think you ought to talk to your parents about it. And if you don't want

talk to them, talk to a counselor, talk to somebody at school.

And if not,

you can come here.

I'll think about it.

Okay. Have a seat.

Let me talk to you for a second.

Didn't I tell you that everything was cool?

Didn't I say that?

Yeah, but I wanted to make sure.

That's a big dude.

Yeah?

But look, I don't think it's necessary for you to risk life

and limb to prove something to your mother and me.

When we've said to you, we believe you and we love you.

Okay?

I know that.

Thank you for coming over.

Anytime. All right.

I don't get it, Huxtable. They probably said they believed you.

And yet you were ready to fight me to get me to come over here.

Hey, I would have come home with a broken arm if I had to.

See?

What my parents think means a lot to me.

Well, I'm glad I could help out.

See? See?

Hey, man, what are you doing at the school tomorrow?

You ever play freeze football?

No. We can always use an extra player, as long as he's not high.

I'll be there.

Wait! But don't tell your mom you're playing, because she'll make you wear a

and gloves.

Either your mom does?

Yeah. But as soon as I'm out of the house, I hide them in the mailbox.

Listen, which flavor is healthiest, vanilla or chocolate chip?

Fruit. Okay, so we'll put a banana in it.

You get the syrup.

I'll get the bones. No, Cliff. No, no, no, no, no.

You know you love it. Come on.

Before dinner, Cliff, suppose the children catch us. We'll tell the

that we've eaten already.

We can't do that.

What do you mean I can't do it? I live here.

Hey, daggers.

Hey. We ate early, son.

Uh -huh.

So, how was the game?

Great. I ran for three touchdowns. No, you didn't. Hey, it was easy.

My boy.

I was running behind the fourth.

Theo, where are your gloves and your hat?

Oh, wow.

Oh, man.

I must have lost them somewhere between here and the field. I'll go look for

them. Oh, Theo.

Don't bother, son.

Somebody must have found it and mailed it to you.

The Cosby Show is taped in front of a live studio audience.